Reality-based advice, please

[BDBoop]

A woman on another forum is angry with God (yes, really) because her family has turned into a bunch of slobs. She relocated, giving up a good job, to be a caregiver for her mother. Her boss offered her a telecommute position. She worked that for awhile, and then was downsized.

Now the men of the house are acting like bachelors. Dishes don't get done, food lands and stays (I say get a dog) and she can't go on strike because she can't handle how bad things get.

Here's why I'm in this folder. Nobody has offered her any advice other than to pray more. Oh - and hugs. Lots of hugs. One suggested maid service. NOBODY suggested the men in this situation be on the receiving end of a 'Come to Jesus' chat. I'm not going to post until I have something to say other than "FFS, what is WRONG with you people!!?"

Any ideas?

 

[Ikari]

A woman on another forum is angry with God (yes, really) because her family has turned into a bunch of slobs. She relocated, giving up a good job, to be a caregiver for her mother. Her boss offered her a telecommute position. She worked that for awhile, and then was downsized.

Now the men of the house are acting like bachelors. Dishes don't get done, food lands and stays (I say get a dog) and she can't go on strike because she can't handle how bad things get.

Here's why I'm in this folder. Nobody has offered her any advice other than to pray more. Oh - and hugs. Lots of hugs. One suggested maid service. NOBODY suggested the men in this situation be on the receiving end of a 'Come to Jesus' chat. I'm not going to post until I have something to say other than "FFS, what is WRONG with you people!!?"

Any ideas?

Lazy people are lazy. It's hard to say what she could do in the situation if she really has to care for her mother. It's pretty much a no win situation. But maybe she can start piling all their dirty **** in their rooms till they get the hint. At some point she's going to have to put her foot down. One can pray all they want, or they can take action for themselves. The world is defined by our decisions, actions, and consequences. If she wants to improve her lot, she's going to have to find a way to do so.

 

[BDBoop]

Lazy people are lazy. It's hard to say what she could do in the situation if she really has to care for her mother. It's pretty much a no win situation. But maybe she can start piling all their dirty **** in their rooms till they get the hint. At some point she's going to have to put her foot down. One can pray all they want, or they can take action for themselves. The world is defined by our decisions, actions, and consequences. If she wants to improve her lot, she's going to have to find a way to do so.

I hear ya. Personally, I've advised women to move out until further notice. I don't see things changing for her until she - it almost feels like she's enjoying the control. She feels out of control, but I think the whole cleaning up behind them, resenting them the whole time, is pretty damn controlling.

At least two women thus far have advised her to tell Satan to leave her alone.

 

[VanceMack]

A woman on another forum is angry with God (yes, really) because her family has turned into a bunch of slobs. She relocated, giving up a good job, to be a caregiver for her mother. Her boss offered her a telecommute position. She worked that for awhile, and then was downsized.

Now the men of the house are acting like bachelors. Dishes don't get done, food lands and stays (I say get a dog) and she can't go on strike because she can't handle how bad things get.

Here's why I'm in this folder. Nobody has offered her any advice other than to pray more. Oh - and hugs. Lots of hugs. One suggested maid service. NOBODY suggested the men in this situation be on the receiving end of a 'Come to Jesus' chat. I'm not going to post until I have something to say other than "FFS, what is WRONG with you people!!?"

Any ideas?

Tell her to read some Frankl and Glasser...all she can control is herself but she has absolute control of herself. Let her create her own sanctuary in her bedroom. Buy ONE dish, one set of silverware, cook meals only for herself and clean up only after herself. It aint Gods fault others are making stoopid choices...its theirs. Keep the upset focused on who it belongs to (its OK to be upset, but she only gets mad because she is trying to control their choices and its frustrating when we cant control others) and keep her efforts focused on the only place they will do any good...herself. If the situation finally becomes intolerable, put a plan in place to leave and then do it. She gets to define her happiness...no one else. If she lets them then she is choosing that as well and she has to realize THAt choice isnt on God or them...its on her.

 

[BDBoop]

Tell her to read some Frankl and Glasser...all she can control is herself but she has absolute control of herself. Let her create her own sanctuary in her bedroom. Buy ONE dish, one set of silverware, cook meals only for herself and clean up only after herself. It aint Gods fault others are making stoopid choices...its theirs. Keep the upset focused on who it belongs to (its OK to be upset, but she only gets mad because she is trying to control their choices and its frustrating when we cant control others) and keep her efforts focused on the only place they will do any good...herself. If the situation finally becomes intolerable, put a plan in place to leave and then do it. She gets to define her happiness...no one else. If she lets them then she is choosing that as well and she has to realize THAt choice isnt on God or them...its on her.

Thank you very much. I shall relay.

 

[Hicup]

A woman on another forum is angry with God (yes, really) because her family has turned into a bunch of slobs. She relocated, giving up a good job, to be a caregiver for her mother. Her boss offered her a telecommute position. She worked that for awhile, and then was downsized.

Now the men of the house are acting like bachelors. Dishes don't get done, food lands and stays (I say get a dog) and she can't go on strike because she can't handle how bad things get.

Here's why I'm in this folder. Nobody has offered her any advice other than to pray more. Oh - and hugs. Lots of hugs. One suggested maid service. NOBODY suggested the men in this situation be on the receiving end of a 'Come to Jesus' chat. I'm not going to post until I have something to say other than "FFS, what is WRONG with you people!!?"

Any ideas?

I woulod tell her to cut her losses and begin surrounded herself with motivated individuals. Lazy breeds even more lazy, conversely, success breed even more success.

Tim-

 

[rathi]

If the menfolk are incline towards spiritual arguments, their are plenty of bible quotes about the evils of sloth and sloppy behavior.

 

[BDBoop]

I woulod tell her to cut her losses and begin surrounded herself with motivated individuals. Lazy breeds even more lazy, conversely, success breed even more success.

Tim-

So you advocate divorce, and she leaves her children behind?

 

[Hicup]

Why would she leave her children? Unless she's caught with a needle in her arm it would be very difficult for her to lose custody.

Tim-

 

[Goshin]

My thoughts were straying towards a stout oak axe-handle and enough of a homicidal rage show to scare them into thinking they are about to meet Jesus, in person, right here and right now...

 

[BDBoop]

Why would she leave her children? Unless she's caught with a needle in her arm it would be very difficult for her to lose custody.

Tim-

They're part of the problem.

 

[Slartibartfast]

A woman on another forum is angry with God (yes, really) because her family has turned into a bunch of slobs. She relocated, giving up a good job, to be a caregiver for her mother. Her boss offered her a telecommute position. She worked that for awhile, and then was downsized.

Now the men of the house are acting like bachelors. Dishes don't get done, food lands and stays (I say get a dog) and she can't go on strike because she can't handle how bad things get.

Here's why I'm in this folder. Nobody has offered her any advice other than to pray more. Oh - and hugs. Lots of hugs. One suggested maid service. NOBODY suggested the men in this situation be on the receiving end of a 'Come to Jesus' chat. I'm not going to post until I have something to say other than "FFS, what is WRONG with you people!!?"

Any ideas?

If she cannot help them (and it looks like they are refusing it by taking advantage of her), she should not try to. There is nothing to be gained by action that does not produce any results.

 

[Dogger807]

These guys have a willing if disgruntled servant and they know it . The worse thing she can do is let the status quo continue. One of the hardest things to do is extract yourself from a bad situation when you feel you are abandoning loved ones. It is an over simplification to state that this is exactly what she must do, if only temporarily.

They do not seem to respect her. So let them learn to respect what they got by making they got gone.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

A woman on another forum is angry with God (yes, really) because her family has turned into a bunch of slobs. She relocated, giving up a good job, to be a caregiver for her mother. Her boss offered her a telecommute position. She worked that for awhile, and then was downsized.

Now the men of the house are acting like bachelors. Dishes don't get done, food lands and stays (I say get a dog) and she can't go on strike because she can't handle how bad things get.

Here's why I'm in this folder. Nobody has offered her any advice other than to pray more. Oh - and hugs. Lots of hugs. One suggested maid service. NOBODY suggested the men in this situation be on the receiving end of a 'Come to Jesus' chat. I'm not going to post until I have something to say other than "FFS, what is WRONG with you people!!?"

Any ideas?

I'd advise her to look into the issue of co-dependency. Her life situation has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with her need to be in control of other people. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. She needs to internalize this idea. She is voluntarily caring for people who don't care for her. She cannot control their actions, but she can control her own circumstances and choices. In fact, that's the only thing that any of us, ever, really control.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

Tell her to read some Frankl and Glasser...all she can control is herself but she has absolute control of herself. Let her create her own sanctuary in her bedroom. Buy ONE dish, one set of silverware, cook meals only for herself and clean up only after herself. It aint Gods fault others are making stoopid choices...its theirs. Keep the upset focused on who it belongs to (its OK to be upset, but she only gets mad because she is trying to control their choices and its frustrating when we cant control others) and keep her efforts focused on the only place they will do any good...herself. If the situation finally becomes intolerable, put a plan in place to leave and then do it. She gets to define her happiness...no one else. If she lets them then she is choosing that as well and she has to realize THAt choice isnt on God or them...its on her.

Spoken like another recovering co-dependent.

 

[ksu_aviator]

This is a hard one.

My first strategy would be to pick up all of the crap they leave around the house and put it on their respective beds. Food and all. If they get it, start assigning chores. Rotate through who cleans the dishes every night. Assign days to do laundry, vacuuming dusting, etc. People that don't comply lose privileges. Don't fix them dinner, give them allowances or take away favored possessions. It will take time, but the change can occur.

My second strategy would be to walk out. Tell them you aren't coming back until they get their stuff together. Move in with a friend or family member temporarily. It may take a few weeks, but when they think you may never come back, if they want you back they'll do what needs to be done.

My third strategy would be to get a paddle and beat the lazy out of them.

 

[ksu_aviator]

I'd advise her to look into the issue of co-dependency. Her life situation has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with her need to be in control of other people. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. She needs to internalize this idea. She is voluntarily caring for people who don't care for her. She cannot control their actions, but she can control her own circumstances and choices. In fact, that's the only thing that any of us, ever, really control.

Is it really control to ask others to be considerate and maintain a sanitary living condition?

I will concede that it is entirely possible that this individual is exaggerating the problem.

 

[VanceMack]

Spoken like another recovering co-dependent.

Yep...we know our own!!!

Missed ya BTW!

 

[Temporal]

I don't mean to sound callous, but it sounds like the primary problem is that this woman needs to develop a back bone. I've lived with slobs before and no matter how passive aggressive you try to be, they will not get the message. The only thing that works is the direct approach. I gather their crap and I throw it into their bedrooms, usually on their beds. If they want to **** where they sleep/eat then I will help them to fully live that experience. Then, if they happen to show signs of improvement, you give them positive reinforcement. Thank yous go a long way.

Often, people have this problem because they are so afraid of an actual confrontation, so they say nothing, but they feel angry in private about it. If this woman isn't communicating her angst to her family, then she has no one to blame but herself. If she has but they aren't listening, then she needs to upgrade her approach (I like the direct method).

If she does all that and it doesn't work, then yeah, the best thing she can do is either remove herself from the home, or remove herself from the responsibility of caring for slobs. Best way to do that is to only take care of yourself. Have your own dishes, cutlery, and your own part of the house that is clean and for you only. Then let the slobs figure out the rest by themselves.

 

[MaggieD]

This lady's in an illogical loop.

"I want them to change!!!!" Guess what? Nobody changes 'til you do. Can't stand the mess? Well...clean it up. What help can someone give you other than sympathy? Now, if it were me, I'd be movin' in with the mom I came to take care of....just to make my point. Or...I'd be closing my eyes to the mess and letting it spiral out of control. List of chores on the fridge with names assigned...put her own name on it for laundry (IF it's in the hamper...call the list to their attention and shut up about it. Stop shopping -- that's somebody's else job...'til they want a come to Jesus.

I think no matter what constructve advice you give this lady, you'll hear nothing but "Yes, but......" She enjoys being a victim.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

Is it really control to ask others to be considerate and maintain a sanitary living condition?

It's codependent to do it for them when they refuse, and then bitch and moan about your voluntary victimization.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

Yep...we know our own!!!

Missed ya BTW!

Missed you too, bro. xoxo.

 

[BDBoop]

This lady's in an illogical loop.

"I want them to change!!!!" Guess what? Nobody changes 'til you do. Can't stand the mess? Well...clean it up. What help can someone give you other than sympathy? Now, if it were me, I'd be movin' in with the mom I came to take care of....just to make my point. Or...I'd be closing my eyes to the mess and letting it spiral out of control. List of chores on the fridge with names assigned...put her own name on it for laundry (IF it's in the hamper...call the list to their attention and shut up about it. Stop shopping -- that's somebody's else job...'til they want a come to Jesus.

I think no matter what constructve advice you give this lady, you'll hear nothing but "Yes, but......" She enjoys being a victim.

I think they all moved in to care for the mom, and therein lies the problem. She can't leave, she's caring for her mom. But the rest of the nails are hit on the head. I recognize the poster PAS (passive/aggressive crap). from being raised thereby.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

She enjoys being a victim.

It's not that she enjoys being a victim. Being codependent is NOT fun. It's that she feels a need to be indispensible and to control/manage their behavior. Why does she feel this? Probably, she was raised in an atmosphere that taught her to feel inordinately responsible for other people's happiness and wellbeing.

 

[Jerry]

A woman on another forum is angry with God (yes, really) because her family has turned into a bunch of slobs. She relocated, giving up a good job, to be a caregiver for her mother. Her boss offered her a telecommute position. She worked that for awhile, and then was downsized.

Now the men of the house are acting like bachelors. Dishes don't get done, food lands and stays (I say get a dog) and she can't go on strike because she can't handle how bad things get.

Here's why I'm in this folder. Nobody has offered her any advice other than to pray more. Oh - and hugs. Lots of hugs. One suggested maid service. NOBODY suggested the men in this situation be on the receiving end of a 'Come to Jesus' chat. I'm not going to post until I have something to say other than "FFS, what is WRONG with you people!!?"

Any ideas?

Just tossing things out there.....

• Maid service.
• Peer-pressure form the husband's family
• Marriage counseling
• Divorce.