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rom the perspective of the species, it’s perfectly unmysterious why people have children. From the perspective of the individual, however, it’s more of a mystery than one might think. Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of disciplines. Perhaps the most oft-cited datum comes from a 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize–winning behavioral economist, who surveyed 909 working Texas women and found that child care ranked sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities. (Among the endeavors they preferred: preparing food, watching TV, exercising, talking on the phone, napping, shopping, housework.) This result also shows up regularly in relationship research, with children invariably reducing marital satisfaction.
A few generations ago, people weren’t stopping to contemplate whether having a child would make them happy. Having children was simply what you did. And we are lucky, today, to have choices about these matters. But the abundance of choices—whether to have kids, when, how many—may be one of the reasons parents are less happy.
That was at least partly the conclusion of psychologists W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge, who, in 2003, did a meta-analysis of 97 children-and-marital-satisfaction studies stretching back to the seventies. Not only did they find that couples’ overall marital satisfaction went down if they had kids; they found that every successive generation was more put out by having them than the last—our current one most of all. Even more surprisingly, they found that parents’ dissatisfaction only grew the more money they had, even though they had the purchasing power to buy more child care. “And my hypothesis about why this is, in both cases, is the same,” says Twenge. “They become parents later in life. There’s a loss of freedom, a loss of autonomy. It’s totally different from going from your parents’ house to immediately having a baby. Now you know what you’re giving up.” (Or, as a fellow psychologist told Gilbert when he finally got around to having a child: “They’re a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to ****.”)
And couples probably pay the dearest price of all. Healthy relationships definitely make people happier. But children adversely affect relationships. As Thomas Bradbury, a father of two and professor of psychology at UCLA, likes to say: “Being in a good relationship is a risk factor for becoming a parent.” He directs me to one of the more inspired studies in the field, by psychologists Lauren Papp and E. Mark Cummings. They asked 100 long-married couples to spend two weeks meticulously documenting their disagreements. Nearly 40 percent of them were about their kids.
“And that 40 percent is merely the number that was explicitly about kids, I’m guessing, right?” This is a former patient of Nachamie’s, an entrepreneur and father of two. “How many other arguments were those couples having because everyone was on a short fuse, or tired, or stressed out?” This man is very frank about the strain his children put on his marriage, especially his firstborn. “I already felt neglected,” he says. “In my mind, anyway. And once we had the kid, it became so pronounced; it went from zero to negative 50. And I was like, I can deal with zero. But not negative 50.”
What a sad pathetic article... :lol:
It's only repeating what dozens of studies have shown. Why is it pathetic? Did you even read it?
And couples probably pay the dearest price of all. Healthy relationships definitely make people happier. But children adversely affect relationships
Children only affect relationship when you define your relationship according to non-child-having standards and freedoms.
If you don't set your sights too high you won't be let down or disappointed.
But I can't talk from experience - I've been a mother since I was 17. I have no idea what it's like to have a free and normal 'non-child' life - so I have no concept of "when I was free to do whatever I wanted!" to bring me down a notch or depress me. Because of this constant 'parent-state' I involve my kids in a lot of what we do - trips and everything else - and I get a thrill when they're happy and get along. I'm uncomfortable without them around, really - sometimes my parent's watch the kids for a night per request of my husband which leaves me feeling lost and bored . . . I absolutely *need* them around to keep life interesting and constantly in motion.
I can't see how people can be happy - I see a single's or a childless life and think it's quite terribly boring. but I've never been one to want to go places and do a lot of things - so if I didn't have kid's I'd sit around and be a dork playing video game and making maille.
What's really tragic in all of this is that people, like your sister, don't realize the wonderful thing they have when they have it, until it's gone and too late to get it back.
"You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone"
I think it's a classic issue found in all sorts of things - having children is just one of those areas.
You're not understanding, she would be devastated if she lost her kids for some reason, or if something happened to them. There's no 'going back' for her now. She loves them with all of her heart, they are her world. But because of that, she is lonely, continually frustrated, continually exhausted in all aspects, unable to have a moment's peace or any time for herself at all, financially strapped, and sexually frustrated.
You've gotta be careful with assigning causation. What factors might influence both happiness and having children? On average, well-educated middle-to-upper-class Americans have disproportionately less children whereas less-educated lower-class Americans have disproportionately more children. Single mothers are another angle. Do the factors that lead to a woman being a single mother tend to contribute to her being unhappy as well? I could probably think of a half a dozen other sources of correlation as well.
You're not understanding, she would be devastated if she lost her kids for some reason, or if something happened to them. There's no 'going back' for her now. She loves them with all of her heart, they are her world. But because of that, she is lonely, continually frustrated, continually exhausted in all aspects, unable to have a moment's peace or any time for herself at all, financially strapped, and sexually frustrated.
Actually, the report indicated that those with more money were more unhappy. (with kids)
All I can say is that I love my son, and that he is one of the greatest joys of my life. Do we have our not-so-great
moments? Sure. But I wouldn't trade him for a 100 million dollars and a personal executive jet. :mrgreen:
I love being a father. I love teaching my son things: not only skills, but things about life. Watching him grow into a fine young man has been more satisfying than anything else in my life... and yes, I spent an adult decade roaming the world free and unfettered, I've traveled and had adventures, and while all that was way cool, being a father is better.
Heck I'm thinking about marrying a chick half my age and having three or four more. :mrgreen:
This
My son is only one. But a lifetime of heartbreaking and life taking pales in comparison to this.
that sums it up“Economically worthless but emotionally priceless.”
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