Needs and Compromises

[Real Korimyr #9]

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. In fact, I think that if two people are in an exclusive relationship, both should be willing to "put out" at anytime unless he or she is sick or injured in someway. If two people are in an exclusive relationship and one person "needs" sex more than the other person, it could lead to unnecessary temptation.

I agree with you. But this would also include that each partner should be similarly committed to their partner's other needs-- something that most people simply do not consider, because they are not accustomed to viewing themselves as obligated to another person's needs. Most people are only loosely acquainted with the concept of obligation in the first place, and typically view it strictly in financial terms.

It's also why I find myself leaning more toward open relationships. If I am not solely dependent upon one person for my needs, then that one person does not need to be concerned about neglecting me.

 

[jallman]

I agree with you. But this would also include that each partner should be similarly committed to their partner's other needs-- something that most people simply do not consider, because they are not accustomed to viewing themselves as obligated to another person's needs. Most people are only loosely acquainted with the concept of obligation in the first place, and typically view it strictly in financial terms.

It's also why I find myself leaning more toward open relationships. If I am not solely dependent upon one person for my needs, then that one person does not need to be concerned about neglecting me.

I can fully agree with you on this. While my partner and I do not have an "open" relationship, I am tolerant of the occasional distraction. This is partially because I am in my 30's while he is in his 20's and I have had the time to have all my sexual conquests while he has been with me for the bulk of his adult life. It's also partially because we spend extended periods of time apart due to his internship and I would rather have full disclosure than secrets being kept. We are both men; I suffer no illusions that the penis doesn't think for us sometimes.

 

[liblady]

I agree with you. But this would also include that each partner should be similarly committed to their partner's other needs-- something that most people simply do not consider, because they are not accustomed to viewing themselves as obligated to another person's needs. Most people are only loosely acquainted with the concept of obligation in the first place, and typically view it strictly in financial terms.

It's also why I find myself leaning more toward open relationships. If I am not solely dependent upon one person for my needs, then that one person does not need to be concerned about neglecting me.

in a committed relationship, it's about compromise. open relationships that actually work are few and far between.

 

[Aunt Spiker]

Is it wrong for a guy to ask his gf/wife to let him know if she's not going to be in the mood for sex before cuddling, kissing, and stroking his arms/back on the bed for 45 minutes? Assume they have already been intimate with each other before, and assume there is nothing specific that turned her off.

Of course you should advise your partner you're not in the mood before you initiate any mood-stirring actions.

Imagine if it was the other way around and you did that to her, you'd be out at the curb, she's be pissed.

No, though, someone said it - it's not necessary to take care of her needs first. She's a grown up - she can give and she can take with patience and understanding.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

in a committed relationship, it's about compromise. open relationships that actually work are few and far between.

That was my general opinion until I accepted it as a necessary compromise in a relationship that was too important to give up. (Shortly after the one that had soured me on them, no less.) I'm finding myself more and more convinced that it is just as necessary for me as it is for her. Unfortunately, I don't think she's quite as good about accepting her inclinations without guilt as I am.

 

[Kali]

If there's cuddling, kissing and stroking going on, with my man, it's gonna always leads to sex.





Yes, she should be upfront. If there's kissing and stroking going on a man is going to assume there's more coming.

See the thing is a lot of women get sick of some of those things always leading to sex. Sometimes it is nice to be able to cuddle, kiss and such without it always having to lead to sex. This is why some women become distant because they feel if they show their men affection that he will expect sex and maybe she does not want it at that time. Just wants to cuddle and kiss a bit.

 

[Kali]

I don't find that to be indicative of a quality relationship, IMO. I have a male friend who thinks like this as well. He thinks that he should be able to have sex with his wife whenever he feels like it, and that she should engage in acts she doesn't like because he likes them. I'm just glad my marriage isn't like that. Phew.

I think you should try to and wish to please your partner but at the same time they should also respect your wishes if there are certain things that simply do not turn you on and that you are not into. It is all about compromise and without it? There comes resentment that carries over into other parts of the relationship.

I think it is very important to talk about and work this all out before getting into a deep relationship with someone cause these things can have a bad ending.

 

[molten_dragon]

See the thing is a lot of women get sick of some of those things always leading to sex. Sometimes it is nice to be able to cuddle, kiss and such without it always having to lead to sex. This is why some women become distant because they feel if they show their men affection that he will expect sex and maybe she does not want it at that time. Just wants to cuddle and kiss a bit.

It's okay if the woman wants to kiss and cuddle without it leading to sex.

For men though, that's foreplay, and we assume that it's going to lead to sex.

That's why, if a woman just wants the foreplay without the sex, it's polite to let us know that beforehand. That way we won't get our hopes up and then be disappointed when she's not in the mood.

 

[Aunt Spiker]

It's okay if the woman wants to kiss and cuddle without it leading to sex.

For men though, that's foreplay, and we assume that it's going to lead to sex.

That's why, if a woman just wants the foreplay without the sex, it's polite to let us know that beforehand. That way we won't get our hopes up and then be disappointed when she's not in the mood.

Agreed

If the one partner who just wanted some snuggle time says so then the guy will still be willing to snuggle and no harm, no foul
If it's not presented ahead of time then false expectations have been built.
"I'm not really in the mood, let's just cuddle" from someone's lips takes just 2 seconds to say, it's not a big deal.

 

[Kali]

It's okay if the woman wants to kiss and cuddle without it leading to sex.

For men though, that's foreplay, and we assume that it's going to lead to sex.

That's why, if a woman just wants the foreplay without the sex, it's polite to let us know that beforehand. That way we won't get our hopes up and then be disappointed when she's not in the mood.

See that is the thing-for some men they think anytime a female they are with kisses or wants to cuddle that they want sex. I feel you gotta change that kind of thinking and understand it is not always going to lead to sex. Men do themselves a big diservice by acting this way because guess what? You may end up with a woman that pushes you away cause they feel if the give you a hug, kiss, etc. that you are gonna jump them and want sex.

I do agree a woman should tell a man up front she is not in the mood if she is gonna be all touchy feely, stroking on arms and legs, etc. but I also feel that if you are with someone in a commited realationship that you should be in "tune" with a person and be able to pick up on their cues. Maybe I am just strange though.:3oops:

Also some folks are clueless about real foreplay. A kiss and cuddle sex does not equal. But that is just me. Sure those things are usually part of foreplay but just cause a girl gives you a kiss does not mean she wants sex.

 

[Jerry]

Is it wrong for a guy to ask his gf/wife to let him know if she's not going to be in the mood for sex before cuddling, kissing, and stroking his arms/back on the bed for 45 minutes? Assume they have already been intimate with each other before, and assume there is nothing specific that turned her off.

I good way for her to project her intentions is to dress accordingly

 

[Alex Libman]

Monogamy is stupid.

 

[molten_dragon]

See that is the thing-for some men they think anytime a female they are with kisses or wants to cuddle that they want sex. I feel you gotta change that kind of thinking and understand it is not always going to lead to sex. Men do themselves a big diservice by acting this way because guess what? You may end up with a woman that pushes you away cause they feel if the give you a hug, kiss, etc. that you are gonna jump them and want sex.

I do agree a woman should tell a man up front she is not in the mood if she is gonna be all touchy feely, stroking on arms and legs, etc. but I also feel that if you are with someone in a commited realationship that you should be in "tune" with a person and be able to pick up on their cues. Maybe I am just strange though.:3oops:

Also some folks are clueless about real foreplay. A kiss and cuddle sex does not equal. But that is just me. Sure those things are usually part of foreplay but just cause a girl gives you a kiss does not mean she wants sex.

I think you're missing my point. I don't think my wife wants sex every time she gets cuddly, I want sex every time my wife gets cuddly. It's only polite for her to let me know ahead of time whether I'll actually be getting any. I get less disappointed if I don't get my hopes up.

 

[reefedjib]

Monogamy is stupid.

Polygamy is where it's at. Then the chance that at least one of the women is in the mood, increases significantly.

I am actually in favor of clan marriages - don't know if that is considered polygamy or not. But it's multiple men and multiple women in the marriage. This way, those that wish to stay home can stay home, and those that wish to work can work. You increase your economic leverage considerably. Child care is kept in the family.

Sex could be tricky, though. You'll have to negotiate yourself with this one...

 

[Jerry]

Polygamy is where it's at. Then the chance that at least one of the women is in the mood, increases significantly.

I am actually in favor of clan marriages - don't know if that is considered polygamy or not. But it's multiple men and multiple women in the marriage. This way, those that wish to stay home can stay home, and those that wish to work can work. You increase your economic leverage considerably. Child care is kept in the family.

Sex could be tricky, though. You'll have to negotiate yourself with this one...

Just use Twister.

 

[Kali]

I think you're missing my point. I don't think my wife wants sex every time she gets cuddly, I want sex every time my wife gets cuddly. It's only polite for her to let me know ahead of time whether I'll actually be getting any. I get less disappointed if I don't get my hopes up.

Sorry. I totally get what you are saying and was just rambling