If you're really looking for love, stop trying to get laid

[Schism]

You're wasting your time. They're materialistic narcissists.

Find someone who just wants to hold hands and talk, watch movies, cook together.

Companionship is consistent with a healthy and fulfilled life of love, family, and happiness.

Build something that lasts. Build something based on trust, transparency, and giving.

 

[Ug make hammer]

What's your advice if this long term partner doesn't like sex? Some kind of open marriage?

 

[Binary_Digit]

You're wasting your time. They're materialistic narcissists.

Find someone who just wants to hold hands and talk, watch movies, cook together.

Companionship is consistent with a healthy and fulfilled life of love, family, and happiness.

Build something that lasts. Build something based on trust, transparency, and giving.

If you're looking for compatibility, I would agree that starting with sex and hoping for the rest is a recipe for disaster. And if you're looking for love, then it should be with someone you already know you're compatible with.

But when it comes to love, every sex therapist out there will tell you that whoever said the way to a man's heart is through the kitchen failed geography. They meant the bedroom. It's primal, crude, and gasp-worthy for some, but it's truth backed by science.

Emotional intimacy typically releases more bonding hormones in women than in men. Things like holding hands and cuddling is certainly meaningful for both, but a man's system just doesn't release as many "love hormones" (oxytocin, vasopressin) during those times compared to the woman's. What really makes a man fall deeply in love - if he allows it to - is physical intimacy.

 

[Artymoon]

What's your advice if this long term partner doesn't like sex? Some kind of open marriage?

They didn't like sex from the get go or they have moved into not liking sex anymore?

 

[OrphanSlug]

You people spend too much time determining for others what to do about relationships, love, sex, what have you.

Do whatever the hell you want with those that want the same, it is not that complicated.

 

[Binary_Digit]

You people spend too much time determining for others what to do about relationships, love, sex, what have you.

Do whatever the hell you want with those that want the same, it is not that complicated.

I know right? What the heck were we thinking, suggesting and discussing relationship advice inside the Dating and Relationships section of the Self Help & Advice subforum. What fools we've been!

 

[OrphanSlug]

I know right? What the heck were we thinking, suggesting and discussing relationship advice inside the Dating and Relationships section of the Self Help & Advice subforum. What fools we've been!

I am not entirely convinced the OP is really about that concept.

 

[Binary_Digit]

I am not entirely convinced the OP is really about that concept.

Me neither now that you mention it. Quite misguided at the very least.

 

[EMNofSeattle]

You people spend too much time determining for others what to do about relationships, love, sex, what have you.

Do whatever the hell you want with those that want the same, it is not that complicated.

This libertine nonsense is the downfall of society.

 

[Slartibartfast]

Just find someone you can have companionship and sex with.

 

[EMNofSeattle]

You're wasting your time. They're materialistic narcissists.

Find someone who just wants to hold hands and talk, watch movies, cook together.

Companionship is consistent with a healthy and fulfilled life of love, family, and happiness.

Build something that lasts. Build something based on trust, transparency, and giving.

I mean that’s the rub. A lot of people who complain about not being able to get a date or a girlfriend (I’m talking men) are really interested in sex and not self sacrifice for another. The “incel” types and the like. (I want to clarify because I’m critical of most uses of this term “incel” is a description of a specific ideology by certain online sub cultures that posits in modern society attractive women all have sex with the top ten percent most attractive men and they are locked out of the dating market) whenever they complain their complaint is always they can’t have sex or can’t get noticed. You never hear them talk about what kind of self sacrifice they’re willing to make for a prospective young woman.

Occasionally I’ve posted on some of their message boards and it’s a hoot because they’ll complain about at 23 they’re a “beta” and will never get a girlfriend and I’ll suggest “well you’re 23, why don’t you make a plan to double your income and lift some weights and then when you’re 27 or 28 come back and try. And the response is always like stupid loser leftist millennials “oh the systems rigged, I can’t get ahead, blah blah blah”

I was on a dating subreddit and some guy was complaining that women never noticed him on dating apps and then complained he was Mexican and whites girls just rejected him. I told him to go to mass and he could have his pick of Mexican girls (he said he lived in Southern California) his response is “I don’t believe in all this superstition, I’m a phd student” I don’t care what leftist women say, that type of man is inherently repulsive to women, he’s a useless know it all. lol

Ok guy.

 

[Superfly]

I am not entirely convinced the OP is really about that concept.

Right? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for him to figure out a way to blame low sex drive on the libs.

 

[Superfly]

I'm in a new relationship for the first time in many moons. I have to admit that, if there is nothing to add by Schism, I actually agree with him.

Not about the whole "not getting laid" part, because that's an important part of any relationship, but the rest is important, too. But you have to be comfortable with someone, even if you're doing nothing. Our Sundays are called "Decompress Days." We spend the entire day bundled up under a blanket on the sofa. We watch TV, or movies, or YouTube videos, or TikTok, or whatever. Doesn't matter. Quality time spent together, and relaxing and getting ready for the week ahead. At first, when he told me how he likes to spend his Sundays, I was like, "Well, that sounds like a wasted day - doing nothing?" then I spent our first "Decompress Day" with him, and was like, "Oh, **** - that's what it's like to relax and have to do absolutely nothing!" It was glorious, and I now guard our Sundays with my life.

 

[code1211]

You're wasting your time. They're materialistic narcissists.

Find someone who just wants to hold hands and talk, watch movies, cook together.

Companionship is consistent with a healthy and fulfilled life of love, family, and happiness.

Build something that lasts. Build something based on trust, transparency, and giving.

I FEEL like pretending that you are trying to find a relationship but limiting your search to getting laid is like searching for a great chess player but only conducting your search in your local Gold's Gym.

However, denying that the physical component is important to the overall romantic relationship seems like removing my French Vanilla Creamer from my coffee.

What's left is still coffee, but it could be so much better. .

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Looking for love is a fool's errand. Marriage is a business arrangement, first and foremost. You're looking for someone who can promote your career while maintaining their own, someone who can raise your kids and keep them from hating you, someone who can keep and secure your home. A proper spouse, a good mate, is someone who enhances all your strengths and bolsters all your weaknesses and enables you to be your best self at home and abroad.

You don't go looking for someone to love and hope to make a spouse out of them. You go looking for a spouse and you love them; if they're a good spouse, and you put in the work to be a good spouse to them, loving's as easy as breathing.

I ran with a number of really sexist idiots when I was younger, and they'd regularly compare marriage to prostitution and then complain they'd married whores. They'd describe all these things they wanted out of a wife, but then the only things they'd ever bother to look for were... sexual practices... and they'd just be mystified that a woman they'd picked on one single criterion didn't magically develop all the others after an arbitrary ceremony.

I don't think it's really where you look or how you look; it's just a matter of being mindful and purposeful of what you're looking for.

 

[Tiny]

But when it comes to love, every sex therapist out there will tell you that whoever said the way to a man's heart is through the kitchen failed geography. They meant the bedroom. It's primal, crude, and gasp-worthy for some, but it's truth backed by science.

Emotional intimacy typically releases more bonding hormones in women than in men. Things like holding hands and cuddling is certainly meaningful for both, but a man's system just doesn't release as many "love hormones" (oxytocin, vasopressin) during those times compared to the woman's. What really makes a man fall deeply in love - if he allows it to - is physical intimacy.

If this were true, a lot of men would marry prostitutes or women who were very good in bed.

The road to a man's heart is not through the kitchen but it's not through the bedroom, either. It's true that sex is very important to men, and if a wife denies her husband sexually too often, eventually he will fall out of love. But just because a woman puts out a lot and gives great sex, it does not mean the man will fall in love with her. He will merely keep coming back for more sex, that's it.

I know right? What the heck were we thinking, suggesting and discussing relationship advice inside the Dating and Relationships section of the Self Help & Advice subforum. What fools we've been!

I am not saying what OP said is bad or wrong. I'm just saying he's trying to tell people what they should seek in a romantic partner.

If someone chiefly wants sex, that's their right.

Occasionally I’ve posted on some of their message boards and it’s a hoot because they’ll complain about at 23 they’re a “beta” and will never get a girlfriend and I’ll suggest “well you’re 23, why don’t you make a plan to double your income and lift some weights and then when you’re 27 or 28 come back and try. And the response is always like stupid loser leftist millennials “oh the systems rigged, I can’t get ahead, blah blah blah”

Saying things like how people could get dates if they had cleaned themselves up is not seeing the reality that some situations are simply beyond help. Some people have been dealt such a bad hand, genetically speaking, that there is nothing they can do to improve their lot. It's totally possible to have such irredeemably bad genetics that one is doomed to be alone completely and forever.

 

[EMNofSeattle]

If this were true, a lot of men would marry prostitutes or women who were very good in bed.

The road to a man's heart is not through the kitchen but it's not through the bedroom, either. It's true that sex is very important to men, and if a wife denies her husband sexually too often, eventually he will fall out of love. But just because a woman puts out a lot and gives great sex, it does not mean the man will fall in love with her. He will merely keep coming back for more sex, that's it.


I am not saying what OP said is bad or wrong. I'm just saying he's trying to tell people what they should seek in a romantic partner.

If someone chiefly wants sex, that's their right.

Saying things like how people could get dates if they had cleaned themselves up is not seeing the reality that some situations are simply beyond help. Some people have been dealt such a bad hand, genetically speaking, that there is nothing they can do to improve their lot. It's totally possible to have such irredeemably bad genetics that one is doomed to be alone completely and forever.

This is a tiny fraction of cases though, most people who complain about such things are just lazy.

 

[Binary_Digit]

If this were true, a lot of men would marry prostitutes or women who were very good in bed.

The road to a man's heart is not through the kitchen but it's not through the bedroom, either. It's true that sex is very important to men, and if a wife denies her husband sexually too often, eventually he will fall out of love. But just because a woman puts out a lot and gives great sex, it does not mean the man will fall in love with her. He will merely keep coming back for more sex, that's it.

That's why I said, "If he allows it to". Men can easily disconnect love from sex if we want, that's not a secret, but we can't easily feel love (or loved) without it. You even admit he will eventually fall out of love if there's not enough, so you're essentially agreeing with me.

 

[Tiny]

That's why I said, "If he allows it to". Men can easily disconnect love from sex if we want, that's not a secret, but we can't easily feel love (or loved) without it. You even admit he will eventually fall out of love if there's not enough, so you're essentially agreeing with me.

I am not.

If you are simply saying sex is very important to men, then I agree. However, you seem to be saying more than that. You implied that the way to make a man fall in love, (and I am paraphrasing here but this is what I think you are saying) is through sex. I am telling you this is not true. Men fall in love if their emotions are engaged. How this is done is slightly different from the process for women. But men won't fall in love simply because there is sex or if the sex is good. Which is what I think you were claiming when you said, "the way to a man's heart is through the bedroom".

Sex is a necessary component of falling in love for men but it by itself is not sufficient. In other words, no sex, no love. If sex, then maybe love.

 

[NatMorton]

You're wasting your time. They're materialistic narcissists.

Find someone who just wants to hold hands and talk, watch movies, cook together.

Companionship is consistent with a healthy and fulfilled life of love, family, and happiness.

Build something that lasts. Build something based on trust, transparency, and giving.

Killjoy.

 

[Binary_Digit]

I am not.

If you are simply saying sex is very important to men, then I agree. However, you seem to be saying more than that. You implied that the way to make a man fall in love, (and I am paraphrasing here but this is what I think you are saying) is through sex. I am telling you this is not true. Men fall in love if their emotions are engaged. How this is done is slightly different from the process for women. But men won't fall in love simply because there is sex or if the sex is good. Which is what I think you were claiming when you said, "the way to a man's heart is through the bedroom".

Sex is a necessary component of falling in love for men but it by itself is not sufficient. In other words, no sex, no love. If sex, then maybe love.

That's why I said, "If he allows it to". You don't seem to be following very closely.

 

[Schism]

Killjoy.

 

[JetBlue]

Just find someone you can have companionship and sex with.

Yep.



This is a really odd OP.

 

[Slartibartfast]

Yep.



This is a really odd OP.

Relationships are awesome if you find the right person and something healthy, supportive, loving, familiar, and fun is developed to the point it builds a lifelong foundation.

I, unfortunately, made several mistakes before I found my person.

 

[JetBlue]

Relationships are awesome if you find the right person and something healthy, supportive, loving, familiar, and fun is developed to the point it builds a lifelong foundation.

I, unfortunately, made several mistakes before I found my person.

Well, yeah - yours is a fairly typical story.