How does a single mother make it?

[TimmyBoy]

What you say here is true - I have no qualms about that. I have been married twice - neither of them beautiful packages, lol - that has never been a priority of mine. The first time when I was just much too young - we simply grew apart - and we are still good friends. My second marriage was completely different, though. I thought I had found my soulmate, but he turned out to be pretending - and messed up, seriously, no bitching about "how guys are" here - he is messed up. I worked to keep it going much longer than I should have for the sake of our daughter which in this case, was a mistake. Now I am providing the stable home on my own, pretty much as I always have, lol. I've come to understand there are very few absolutes in this world. Thus my reference to the "big city." (Which has affected not only my view of life in general, but in politics as well. Imagine that!) But, you seemed to show a lot of anger towards women in your posts and I think its important to realize that many things that can go wrong in a relationship cannot be chalked up to the differences between a man and a woman. I go on and on, I know, but ya know....I'm there. :mrgreen:

I wish you a lot of luck with your girlfriend. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Just keep lovin' her and try not to put her into a "woman" box. Hopefully she will do the same for you.

No, it's just my way to get women stirred up and mess with them so that I can get a few laughs by telling exaggerated sterotypes in a funny way. Some people take it the wrong way, but you just have to know me. If you seen me face to face making the comments, you would see that I was trying to be humorous, but their is some truth to some of my comments even though I was trying to put a humerous spin on it. It wasn't meant to express anger in any way. And I'll also say that women are more evil than men. My girlfriend, she works doing other women's hair with a bunch of other women and she will tell me all about the backstabbing that goes on in her work place and how women will be all nice to your face and then stabb you in the back. I always tell her that smiling faces tell lies. Guys, generally speaking, if they don't like you, they will just stay away from you or if they have a problem with you, they will generally try to talk to you about it for the most part. And just because I am anti-abortion, doesn't mean I hate women or I am opposed to women's rights. I tell my girlfriend my views on abortion and for the most part she agrees with me. Love is a game of give and take and it is about respect. We have been together for 7 months and it took time to build a relationship. True love doesn't come easily and I personally like to take things slowly and I am in no rush to be married. I like to be honest and genuine with my woman and don't like to put on some kind of fake show. I tell her some of the same jokes that some women might find sexist like the "GEEE, wish I had a vagina (or use the other word heh heh) .... " and she thought it was pretty funny and she told me how she was flirting with a guy to get me out of a late fee at the video store and while she was doing that, thinking about the joke I told "Geee... I wish I was born with a vagina...'"" ha ha anyway mixedmedia. I don't have anything against women it's just that I am not stupid either and I know what a woman is capable of. I don't give my trust away very easily and it is something that must be earned.

 

[Stace]

Glad I don't live in the big city. I mean me personally, marriage can be a pain in the ass. People get married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. They get married too quick believing they are in love when in fact they really don't know each other too well or don't even know what the true meaning of love is. They marry for superficial reasons rather than spiritual reasons of the heart and soul. They end up having kids and in the end, getting a divorce, which the divorce, depending on what exactly happenns in the divorce leaves bitter feelings between the man and the woman and then the kids have to grow up with less than solid foundation which will carry through for them into adulthood. That doesn't necessarily mean they will turn out bad but they won't have the advantage of growing up in a solid foundation that a genuinely loving household, where no divorce took place can provide. It takes both a man and a woman to raise kids and in this day and age, most women are left with raising the kid with the kids not having a father figuire. I personally never had to go through a divorce growing up as a child and my father and mother always respected each other. Their relationship was based on a two way street and not a one way street and I feel like I have had a big advantage over most people who grew up in single parent homes. My girlfriend, is not exactly a super model but she has a good heart and soul and I find myself genuinely happier in my relationship with her than guys who might be hooked up with top model women. So much superficiality in today's world that few understand the true meaning of love and value. True value and love do not necessarily come in beautiful packages. But if I was miserable with a woman I would get rid of her or she can get rid of me, it makes no difference because the relationship would be no good to either one of us. Me personally, when I do marry, I want to be sure it is a woman that has true beauty on the inside because those the only kinds of women that can provide true happiness and help to provide a stable family.

I never had a "stable" family as you describe. I have two brothers: one of them shares the same mother with me, the other, whom we lost in an accident this past year, shared the same father with me. I never got to know the brother that I lost because his mother wouldn't let him visit with us very often. My mother divorced my father when I was five years old. I've rarely seen or heard from him since; in fact, my brother's funeral was the first time I saw or spoke to my father in four years. I had a stepfather from the time I was seven until I was eighteen, but he was extremely abusive towards all of us. Physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive towards my brother and I....though he was careful to hide the physical aspects from Mom. He only raised a hand against my mother once and I kicked his ass as well as a fifteen year old girl could against a man three times her size. Mom finally realized how bad that environment was when my brother joined the Navy and I moved out with my fiance at the age of seventeen, but she didn't divorce him until I joined the Air Force the next year. I don't blame my mom for any of that, she was trying to provide us with a stable home and that's all anyone could have asked of her. The only thing I regret is that I stayed in an abusive relationship with my (now ex) fiance for far too long, even after the physical abuse started, because it was nothing compared to what I had dealt with at the hands of my stepfather. But it sure did seem normal to me, so I didn't question it for the longest time. My ex and I are now on friendly terms, and I'm glad to see that he's grown up and matured a lot, because he has a wife now and a baby girl due next month, and I'd hate to see them go through what I did.

My husband and I got married after only knowing each other for three months. And guess what? We're still here, three years later, and I can honestly say that it's been the craziest three years of my life....but mostly in a good way. He knows about my past, and he knows that I will leave in a heartbeat if he EVER tries anything like that. We don't have children yet, but I do hope to be able to raise our future children together. But I have no qualms about raising children alone if I have to.

Moral of the story is, you don't have to be raised in a stereotypical stable home to be able to provide one for yourself and your children. Some of us can rise above the odds that are stacked against us.

 

[TimmyBoy]

Moral of the story is, you don't have to raised in a stereotypical stable home to be able to provide one for yourself and your children. Some of us can rise above the odds that are stacked against us.

I never doubted that. But I am glad to have had a decent father. He has passed away now, but he was a good man who worked very hard for his family. And few people in this day and age have had the privelege that I have had. And I think a man in the family can teach their children valuable lessons that can only come from a man. Women tend to be more nurturing where my father would make me get out and work alot as a child and teach me about how shitty the world can be. How to stand up for yourself and hang tough when the going gets rough. He instilled good work ethics and good values as well (both my mother and father instilled good values). I still say, that it takes both a man and a woman to raise a child.

 

[Billo_Really]

Originally Posted by Stace
Moral of the story is, you don't have to raised in a stereotypical stable home to be able to provide one for yourself and your children. Some of us can rise above the odds that are stacked against us.

I know what your saying. I missed my EX. But I moved on.
I took a good swing, but she ducked!

Just kidding, just kidding...

 

[TimmyBoy]

I think another valuable aspect besides good values I learned from my family like honesty, integrity but it was also solidarity. Everybody worked hard for each other. We didn't have as much as some people, but it was all about being in it together, solidarity, doing the right thing, working hard, good values, treating others the way you wanted to be treated. I learned to love the land from my father because he was also an avid outdoorsman. Their was nobody who knew the woods or the wildlife as good as he did. He could go in the woods and know every little part of it. I listen to some people say that their isn't much to do in the rural life, but I have to disagree. Their is much to do and a peace that can found in nature that cannot be found in city life. Mother nature is a provider, she gives and she takes and as long as you respect her, you won't have any problems. Their is much entertainment one can find in nature as well. But that is one thing that stands out about my father, was his love of the outdoors and his great skill as an outdoorsman. Me, I was more of a computer kind of guy and took after my mother side of the family, which had cops, engineers and a few programmers but I learned to appreciate mother nature from him.

 

[alphieb]

One more question and I appreciate your support so much. I found out he was spending the night with his ex-wife while I was pregnant with my one year old. We would get in a MINOR spat and he would leave and not come back until the next day. One night I followed him, she lived 3 hours away and sure be it, that is where he went. Now this was at about 8:00pm or so. He has a 12 year daughter (my sweetie), his claim is he was going to see her. Her bedtime is about 8:00 pm. She gets sleepy early. He would get home at like 9:00 am or so in the morning. Now confirm my claims that he is lying.

I never did anything violent as I saw where he was going, but it crossed my mind. He tells me nothing happened and he slept on the couch. Would I not be a complete idiot to believe him? Sometimes, when you're on the inside things get foggy.

 

[Billo_Really]

Originally posted by alphieb:
One more question and I appreciate your support so much. I found out he was spending the night with his ex-wife while I was pregnant with my one year old. We would get in a MINOR spat and he would leave and not come back until the next day. One night I followed him, she lived 3 hours away and sure be it, that is where he went. Now this was at about 8:00pm or so. He has a 12 year daughter (my sweetie), his claim is he was going to see her. Her bedtime is about 8:00 pm. She gets sleepy early. He would get home at like 9:00 am or so in the morning. Now confirm my claims that he is lying.

I never did anything violent as I saw where he was going, but it crossed my mind. He tells me nothing happened and he slept on the couch. Would I not be a complete idiot to believe him? Sometimes, when you're on the inside things get foggy.

Sorry for the ice water, but if you allow this to happen to you, then you deserve to have it happen to you!

 

[alphieb]

Sorry for the ice water, but if you allow this to happen to you, then you deserve to have it happen to you!

Thanks, thats what I wanted to hear. I have not taken him back, he told me tonight that I was a crazy B!(ch.....I told him that I would have to be, to be with him.

 

[Billo_Really]

Originally posted by alphieb:
Thanks, thats what I wanted to hear. I have not taken him back, he told me tonight that I was a crazy B!(ch.....I told him that I would have to be, to be with him.

You get an "A" and now have a Ph.D in relationships.

 

[alphieb]

You get an "A" and now have a Ph.D in relationships.

Ironically an "A" = single and divorce is that really an "A". Divorce is all too commen these days. My grandmother told me at one time she wanted to divorce my grandfather and went to an Attorney, but she started crying so hard she couldn't even talk. They stayed married for over 40 years until he deceased, what happened to those days?

 

[mixedmedia]

Ironically an "A" = single and divorce is that really an "A". Divorce is all too commen these days. My grandmother told me at one time she wanted to divorce my grandfather and went to an Attorney, but she started crying so hard she couldn't even talk. They stayed married for over 40 years until he deceased, what happened to those days?

She stayed unhappy. Not all folks did in the "old days" though. My maternal grandmother and grandfather married each other three times. Yes, they divorced not once, but twice.
There is no shame in saving yourself from a lifetime of hurt. It's not as if you are leaving him on a whim.

 

[alphieb]

She stayed unhappy. Not all folks did in the "old days" though. My maternal grandmother and grandfather married each other three times. Yes, they divorced not once, but twice.
There is no shame in saving yourself from a lifetime of hurt. It's not as if you are leaving him on a whim.

What do you think about the ex-wife thing? My mother and sister are so Catholic that they are completely anti-divorce. They are no help, my friends hated him from day one so they just say "I told ya so"

 

[Billo_Really]

Originally Posted by alphieb
Ironically an "A" = single and divorce is that really an "A". Divorce is all too commen these days. My grandmother told me at one time she wanted to divorce my grandfather and went to an Attorney, but she started crying so hard she couldn't even talk. They stayed married for over 40 years until he deceased, what happened to those days?

It takes two to tango. If one person is giving, but the other one is not, it's not going to work no matter how hard or long you try.

There was a survey of couples that celebrated their 50th wedding anniversery. They were asked how did they do it. What advice could they give young couples as to the most important thing in a relationship. The No. 1 answer was communication. No. 2 was sense of humor. If you don't have either of those in spades, forget it, the relationship is doomed. And those are just positive spades. I don't have to tell you about the negative ones that also doom a relationship.

 

[mixedmedia]

What do you think about the ex-wife thing? My mother and sister are so Catholic that they are completely anti-divorce. They are no help, my friends hated him from day one so they just say "I told ya so"

I think he's cheating on you and if it weren't with the ex-wife it would probably be with someone else. He probably finds a measure of security in cheating with a "known" quantity, though.

And your mother and sister are not married to him, nor are they the parents of your children. You should do what you know in your heart is right. What he is doing is selfish and disrespectful of you, your marriage and your family unit.

I don't want to presume that I know enough to tell you what to do, who you are, who your husband is.....but I know that most people don't change. If this is a situation that makes you feel humiliated and angry...get used to those feelings if you decide to stay with him.

I know what you mean about feeling "foggy" when you are in it. It is impossible to get a true perspective when you are in turmoil and around the cause of it. I suggest, if you are unsure about what you want, that you take a nice, long consistent break from him. I know that's impractical since you have children together, but when you do have to see him, keep it professional. Don't let him manipulate you into talking about it so he can try to convince you to take him back. You need time on your own to breathe.

That help? :2wave:

 

[Billo_Really]

alphieb,

There's a book I recommend that you should pick up. It's only about $13-$22.00 so its not that expensive. But it is the best book on relationships I have ever read. So many miss the mark like Gray's book about Mars and Venus. He took a very complex problem and tried to break it down in very simple terms and that is not the case.

If you can, go out and get the book:

Getting the Love you Want by Harvel Hendricks

I cannot tell you the impact this book has had on me. It is tailor made for couples. But it helps singles as well. It helps anyone that wants answers about relationships.

 

[alphieb]

I think he's cheating on you and if it weren't with the ex-wife it would probably be with someone else. He probably finds a measure of security in cheating with a "known" quantity, though.

And your mother and sister are not married to him, nor are they the parents of your children. You should do what you know in your heart is right. What he is doing is selfish and disrespectful of you, your marriage and your family unit.

I don't want to presume that I know enough to tell you what to do, who you are, who your husband is.....but I know that most people don't change. If this is a situation that makes you feel humiliated and angry...get used to those feelings if you decide to stay with him.

I know what you mean about feeling "foggy" when you are in it. It is impossible to get a true perspective when you are in turmoil and around the cause of it. I suggest, if you are unsure about what you want, that you take a nice, long consistent break from him. I know that's impractical since you have children together, but when you do have to see him, keep it professional. Don't let him manipulate you into talking about it so he can try to convince you to take him back. You need time on your own to breathe.

That help? :2wave:

Yes, it helps a lot. I was cleaning my house and cranking my Aerosmith CD, "amazing" came on and the words were very encouraging. I Love Aerosmith.....

I'm Going to get a restraining order today!

Thanks Mixedmedia

 

[mixedmedia]

Yes, it helps a lot. I was cleaning my house and cranking my Aerosmith CD, "amazing" came on and the words were very encouraging. I Love Aerosmith.....

I'm Going to get a restraining order today!

Thanks Mixedmedia

You go girl. :2wave:

 

[alphieb]

He was here today, so I played that song "Leave (Get Out) about ten times real loud. I wonder if he got the picture?????? :roll: :2wave:

 

[Billo_Really]

Originally Posted by alphieb
Yes, it helps a lot. I was cleaning my house and cranking my Aerosmith CD, "amazing" came on and the words were very encouraging. I Love Aerosmith.....

Next time he comes over, lock all the doors and play "Dude looks like a Lady" as loud as you can stand it, over and over until he goes away.

 

[alphieb]

Next time he comes over, lock all the doors and play "Dude looks like a Lady" as loud as you can stand it, over and over until he goes away.

:rofl ..................

 

[mixedmedia]

He was here today, so I played that song "Leave (Get Out) about ten times real loud. I wonder if he got the picture?????? :roll: :2wave:

Like Fiona Apple? I used to listen to her music and think "Boy, she's an angry one." Now I understand.

Get Gone

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your **** past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I’m not turned-on

So put away that meat you’re selling
Cuz I do know what’s good for me-
And I’ve done what I could for you
But you’re not benefiting, and yet I’m sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won’t get with this
M’i gonna heal from this; he won’t admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It’s time the truth was out that he don’t give a
**** about me

How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can’t breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I’m much obliged to up and go
I’ll idealize, then realize that it’s no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There’s nothing left to grieve

****in go-
Cuz I’ve done what I could for you, and I do know what’s
Good for me and I’m not benefiting, instead
I’m sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won’t get with this
M’i gonna heal from this; he won’t admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It’s time the truth was out that he don’t give a
**** about me

 

[Billo_Really]

Originally posted by mixedmedia:
Like Fiona Apple? I used to listen to her music and think "Boy, she's an angry one." Now I understand

How about Alanis. She's pretty angry too.

 

[mixedmedia]

How about Alanis. She's pretty angry too.

Yeah, but I like Fiona's style better. Not a big fan of Alanis Morisette.

 

[alphieb]

Instead of a restaining order, I filed an eviction. He will be served tomorrow. He thinks he can barge in my house when ever he wants. If that doesn't work I will file a restraining order. Can you imagine his humiliation as a local Attorney:doh I know the women at the court house are gossiping. My ears are burning.:sigh:

 

[HTColeman]

I have kicked my husband out due to physical and mental abuse. When I was with him money was no object. He is an Attorney. I kicked him out two days ago. I am a Nurse, however I have two small children, 6 and 1....As a Nurse, you work evenings and nights until you reach seniority. I can't work those shifts as I have two small boys. I refuse to depend on him as any self respecting women would? I will endure hard times before I expose my boys to that. What do ya think?

I'm not a single mother, but my advise is don't be too proud to ask for help. From family, friends, etc. You don't want to be a burden, but I can guaruntee that there is someone who cares enough to help, maybe more than you know.