Maybe some attorneys here know better, but I do not think it is up to you any longer.I feel in a moral dilemma, so I thought strangers on the internet might provide me some perspective. Though it's a long story, I will try my best to keep it brief. Thanks to all who read and comment.
My ex and I divorced 3 years ago after 12 years of marriage. She developed a drinking problem, and had an affair. I am hard to live with and stubborn.
Initial custody for our children was setup as joint custody no support. Then she let her drinking problem get the best of her, and put the children in a bad situation. I filed for emergency custody, and was eventually granted sole custody. Still no support was awarded.
I've been telling her about co-pays, dentist appointments, prescriptions, etc. that kids need, and I buy. She never helped out once, and even chastised me for only contacting her when I need money. So, I went through my state agency and sued for child support. I easily make twice what she does every month, and she barely makes enough to keep her lights on. Even still, I felt like she should have some responsibility to the kids. I didn't expect much. I was just hoping to compel her to pay at least part of the expenses for the kids.
Apparently the judge agreed that she needed to be responsible. He awarded me a full third of every paycheck she gets, back payment till the time I took sole custody, and all court costs.
Now that the back story is out there - here is my dilemma. I could get by completely without her help. It's really only a quality of life issue. We are going to have a better life if she was helping out. Apparently the purpose of child support is to maintain the kids quality of life they would have had if the parents had never split up. I like that plan, but in doing so, I know I am putting their mom in a really tough position financially. She's going to have to make some real sacrifices and/or changes to meet her obligations now and still be able to live.
So what are the thoughts of the community? Make her pay? Back off? What would you do?
You are in a tough situation and I don't envy you having to deal with anyone with an alcohol problem.
That being said, the complete logic of the situation seems to be:
You said she barely makes enough to keep her lights on. So forcing her to pay child support on top of this would likely result in her losing the lights and probably the home through eviction (assuming she's a renter).
Once someone is homeless, keeping a job is a challenge that is rarely held to.
End result. She is jobless, homseless, and can't pay you child support anyhow.
Another avenue might be to force her into AA instead through court order or however else you can. Once she cleans up her act then, maybe, she can do a better job at contributing. I don't know how the court approaches this but it might be worth asking your lawyer about.
Hope that is some help and I wish you the best of luck in the situation. The most important thing is that at least you are with your children and they are not in that situation.
It's not about her at this point. You already made the decision to go for the child support and the court has made it's decision, there is no undoing that. If you believe the children would benefit from the situation, and obviously both you and the court hold that belief, then pay she should.
Just a fair warning. Report when she underpays/does not pay. You don't have to pursue it or be a dick about it with her, the state will do that on their own. But if you let her slide you're taking away a very useful arrow from your quiver when she eventually sues to have full custody restored to her (and make you pay the child support).
It's not about her at this point. You already made the decision to go for the child support and the court has made it's decision, there is no undoing that. If you believe the children would benefit from the situation, and obviously both you and the court hold that belief, then pay she should.
Just a fair warning. Report when she underpays/does not pay. You don't have to pursue it or be a dick about it with her, the state will do that on their own. But if you let her slide you're taking away a very useful arrow from your quiver when she eventually sues to have full custody restored to her (and make you pay the child support).
I feel in a moral dilemma, so I thought strangers on the internet might provide me some perspective. Though it's a long story, I will try my best to keep it brief. Thanks to all who read and comment.
My ex and I divorced 3 years ago after 12 years of marriage. She developed a drinking problem, and had an affair. I am hard to live with and stubborn.
Initial custody for our children was setup as joint custody no support. Then she let her drinking problem get the best of her, and put the children in a bad situation. I filed for emergency custody, and was eventually granted sole custody. Still no support was awarded.
I've been telling her about co-pays, dentist appointments, prescriptions, etc. that kids need, and I buy. She never helped out once, and even chastised me for only contacting her when I need money. So, I went through my state agency and sued for child support. I easily make twice what she does every month, and she barely makes enough to keep her lights on. Even still, I felt like she should have some responsibility to the kids. I didn't expect much. I was just hoping to compel her to pay at least part of the expenses for the kids.
Apparently the judge agreed that she needed to be responsible. He awarded me a full third of every paycheck she gets, back payment till the time I took sole custody, and all court costs.
Now that the back story is out there - here is my dilemma. I could get by completely without her help. It's really only a quality of life issue. We are going to have a better life if she was helping out. Apparently the purpose of child support is to maintain the kids quality of life they would have had if the parents had never split up. I like that plan, but in doing so, I know I am putting their mom in a really tough position financially. She's going to have to make some real sacrifices and/or changes to meet her obligations now and still be able to live.
So what are the thoughts of the community? Make her pay? Back off? What would you do?
She has a responsibility to fulfill, so she should be taking care of that responsibility. If taking the money bothers you, then put it in a trust fund in the kid's names and use it for their college education.
It looks to me like you are making the assumption that even though her drinking endangered the kids it will not endanger her income, which seems weird. Also you dont say how old this arrangement is, which matters.
If it were me I would likely kick the can down the road, not decide anything for now, wait to see how this plays out. The focus should be what is best for the kids and a part of that is that they have a good relationship with a functional mom but your post has the flavor of you trying to take responsibility for your ex, which seems off.
My guess is that you are going to be looking at her not paying much, her a mess, her with little money to get, with you and the kids scraping by.....so where the rubber meets the road your moral dilemma is barely going to factor. State laws are not the same but I would if possible contact the state if she does not pay and get her on a "deadbeat dad" list, so that you get her tax return money maybe, if there is any, just so that she is not getting off completely.
For the foreseeable future you should plan to be on you own, I see no indication that this woman has hit bottom yet, and the bottom is likely going to see her with no money to get.
I took sole custody in December last year. Since that time, she's had rehab, and everything else to tend to. I can't say for sure she isn't drinking, but I can say that her drug tests are coming back clean. Time will tell.
Great, then dont push too hard right now, she how she does, see how much she does on her own to honor her commitment as a mom, and reevaluate in 6 months. Plan on getting nothing from her, use anything you do get as a treat for you and the kids. I would take a firm calm " you owe this money" stance without arguing the point or taking any action to get it for the next 6 months.
EDIT: Maybe agree to take half, but talk to a lawyer first, that can get you into trouble.
I feel in a moral dilemma, so I thought strangers on the internet might provide me some perspective. Though it's a long story, I will try my best to keep it brief. Thanks to all who read and comment.
My ex and I divorced 3 years ago after 12 years of marriage. She developed a drinking problem, and had an affair. I am hard to live with and stubborn.
Initial custody for our children was setup as joint custody no support. Then she let her drinking problem get the best of her, and put the children in a bad situation. I filed for emergency custody, and was eventually granted sole custody. Still no support was awarded.
I've been telling her about co-pays, dentist appointments, prescriptions, etc. that kids need, and I buy. She never helped out once, and even chastised me for only contacting her when I need money. So, I went through my state agency and sued for child support. I easily make twice what she does every month, and she barely makes enough to keep her lights on. Even still, I felt like she should have some responsibility to the kids. I didn't expect much. I was just hoping to compel her to pay at least part of the expenses for the kids.
Apparently the judge agreed that she needed to be responsible. He awarded me a full third of every paycheck she gets, back payment till the time I took sole custody, and all court costs.
Now that the back story is out there - here is my dilemma. I could get by completely without her help. It's really only a quality of life issue. We are going to have a better life if she was helping out. Apparently the purpose of child support is to maintain the kids quality of life they would have had if the parents had never split up. I like that plan, but in doing so, I know I am putting their mom in a really tough position financially. She's going to have to make some real sacrifices and/or changes to meet her obligations now and still be able to live.
So what are the thoughts of the community? Make her pay? Back off? What would you do?
I appreciate your situation.
I think you have the better attitude than the court.
I suggest that you can hold the court judgement as a leaver to get her to take a reasonable(ish) amount of responibility towards her kids. Forget the back payments, she is clearly not up to that sort of planning etc, and try to deal with her as she is and to the extent that she can deal with the world at large.
The American attitude to mental health troubles is very harsh. Perhaps insist that the contribution she should be making to the kids should be spent on some sort of counciling or whatever??? Although, for an alcoholic, it's only them that can choose to not be drunk.
Good luck.
You could get your lawyer to petition the court to order involuntary in patient substance abuse treatment, with enforceable compromises as a fall back provision.
What you are really asking us that the court treat her like a man.
That's probably good advice. I had not considered how the courts would view me not reporting or pursuing court ordered support, yet. I never expect anything out of her, and we will be fine either way. It seems that's not the point anymore, though. I have to at least appear to pursue it, or I am not looking out for the best financial interest of the kiddos. I'm glad I posted here. Thanks to those that took the time!
I left out a bunch of detail in an attempt to be brief, but I did force rehabilitation, AA, NA, and parenting classes as a precursor to being able to see the kids unsupervised again. I asked for nothing while all that was going on, and made sure she got to speak with the kids regularly and see them supervised.
That said your point is well taken.
The good news is that she is cleaned up the best I can tell.
Look, I don't want to take anything away from what she has done to this point in respect to her recovery from alcoholism and addiction.
But speaking as a recovered alcoholic myself I can't tell you the number of times I've seen guys or gals come in to AA with the weight of the world on their back and a figurative gun to their head with the sole intention of getting "cleaned up" enough to get back something they've lost (a relationship, a job, a drivers license, whatever).
Occasionally one or two will make the necessary transition from doing what they're doing because they were "forced", to doing what they're doing for themselves, and will develop the attendant willingness to do whatever it takes, and go to any lengths, to maintain their sobriety.
Again, I don't want to discourage you or be the gloomy little rain cloud but just keep in mind that it's relatively easy to stay sober for a couple of months in and out of rehab but something else altogether different to do the things that are required for the psychic shift that is necessary for sustained sobriety to occur.
We say that selfishness and self-centeredness are the root of the disease of alcoholism, and the "shift" that I mentioned above is a turn away from living a life centered in self and toward one that is centered in helpfulness, service to others, and a focus on being of maximum usefulness to God (as we individually understand him) and our fellows.
It is really easy for an alcoholic or a drug addict to lie and tell you what they think you want to hear - we've spent our entire lives becoming expert in it.
So look at what she's "doing" rather than what she's "saying".
That'll be the true test of whether or not she's really making a change.
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