Child Support - Moral Dilemma

[Gaius46]

she's choosing to be near destitute with substance abuse issues.

and she doesn't get to keep every penny she makes to herself when she chose to have kids and then endanger them with a substance issue forcing the other parent to care full time alone for them.

the actions you take have consequences.

If I don't need the money taking it from her strikes me as as being vengeful and petty. Maybe it's just me but I'm not gonna beat the crap out of someone just because I can unless I have to.

 

[justabubba]

Shades of gray for sure. After thinking about it a lot, I'm not going to give a pass. My mom never got one (thanks for reminding me southern dem). I'm going to use the money to add to my savings for the big expenses coming and just see how it goes. In a talk yesterday, she threatened to take me to court to go back to joint custody, so that helped seal the deal for me. I hope she never pays a dime, and I'll never have to worry about that. Nothing worse than saying good by to your kids for a week at a time over and over again.

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is her motivation for doing this to hurt you or to be a better mother to her kids?

would receiving joint custody not also relieve her of the financial burden of paying child support; monies that you know she does not have to spare?

if her motivations are well intentioned, then i am on her side ... unless her having joint custody would be to the detriment of the kids, or if her motivation is to inflict emotional injury on you

and for the record, my opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it

 

[Joe51]

is her motivation for doing this to hurt you or to be a better mother to her kids?

would receiving joint custody not also relieve her of the financial burden of paying child support; monies that you know she does not have to spare?

if her motivations are well intentioned, then i am on her side ... unless her having joint custody would be to the detriment of the kids, or if her motivation is to inflict emotional injury on you

and for the record, my opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it

Her motivation is to get out of paying. It didn't come up until cs.

Also, I have the concern of relapse. Right now, I can intervene without the courts if I need to. If I give joint custody back, I would need to start all over with emergency custody to intervene.

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[Joe51]

If I don't need the money taking it from her strikes me as as being vengeful and petty. Maybe it's just me but I'm not gonna beat the crap out of someone just because I can unless I have to.

I can see that point of view. I almost agree with it. But then I think why should I pay for everything. My daughter is in the band. I bought a 600 clarinet and sent her to a 400 band camp. Shouldn't her mom help? If I wasn't around to take care of Everything, would she just not get to be in band, or would her mom actually step up? That's the question I, trying to answer now. She wouldn't help willingly.

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[Gaius46]

I can see that point of view. I almost agree with it. But then I think why should I pay for everything. My daughter is in the band. I bought a 600 clarinet and sent her to a 400 band camp. Shouldn't her mom help? If I wasn't around to take care of Everything, would she just not get to be in band, or would her mom actually step up? That's the question I, trying to answer now. She wouldn't help willingly.

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My point to the EMN is more of a hypothetical one. Assuming all other things are equal if I make say $100,000 a year and she makes $30,000 a year, and that's enough to give the kid a good life the extra $10 grand might make mine and the kid's lives a little better but losing it makes her life complete ****. I really don't see the point in that unless the point is simply to get back at her. She's already paying for whatever she did wrong because her quality of life is probably worse than it was before. I just don't see the point in making it worse still.

All of the above is from my own perspective - and that's of a relatively well off guy who's been married going on 31 years to the same woman with two fully grown kids. If we were to split because of something she did I just can't imagine making her life ****ty if I could avoid it. If I was struggling to survive and was married to her only a couple of years I might see things differently.

 

[_Sal]

I took sole custody in December last year. Since that time, she's had rehab, and everything else to tend to. I can't say for sure she isn't drinking, but I can say that her drug tests are coming back clean. Time will tell.

That's great for now.

You say this is just about "quality of life"

my perspective is somewhat different from yours in that I don't see quality of life as about "things" once basic needs are met

my caution is this...the kids are with you in a stable environment having their basic needs met

if you force the issue with the money and she can't cope she will return to old ways....she may well do that anyway

I would take care that the kids do not become entangled in a situation where they feel the money coming to them has forced mum into a bad place because she has mental issues

Kids don't understand that everything isn't their fault

please guard them from that

this is not black and white, so you are going to have to learn to live in the gray zone here

also it's their mum even if she beat them, and starved them, they WILL at some point want contact with her, ensure that you do not end up looking like the dick here

that can happen

 

[Tim the plumber]

The argument that the children need money more than they need a reasonably sober mother is extremely weak.

who made that argument?

The idea that the court would look at a lack of pressing the claim against the mother for financial support as a reason to see the farther as not fully supporting either the children's best interest or the ruling of the court.

I know that the UK courts would not have this view but I don't know about the US situation.

 

[Tim the plumber]

Hey, Tim. For whatever it's worth, I made every effort to work with her before involving the courts. I agree she and I could've come up with a better arrangement, but she thought her chances with the judge were better, I guess. That's why I am where I am now. Also, family court is not like common sense. If you've never had the privilege, just take my word for it. Common sense is not on the docket.

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You know much more about it than me. Good luck.

And well done for being a good dad.