An interesting odd story, what's your opinion?

[ab9924]

My GF's father (White European) has been married to her mother (Asian) for 15 years, now they are in their 40's. The mother decided to move her mother from Asia to Europe permanently with them as her mother is nearing retirement age. I understand that the long distance "relationship" between him and his mother-in-law was good, but now that she will be brought from Asia into the center of his marriage permanently, what will become of the marriage? He loves his wife and vice versa (I think) but he appears stressed at the best of days because of his work situation (I guess), and I am wondering if 3 will be a crowd to the extent that the marriage will break down. Do I guess that even the friendliest mother-in-law gets crankier by age if not a visitor but a permanent installment, and European life/housing can't accomodate such an arrangement? Also, in the bedroom, don't wives think negatively about sex when their mother sleeps the opposite side of the wall? (He said this.) So, is it possible to interpret this such that his wife is now replacing him with her mother? What is your take? Do you have an idea to sort out this confusion?

 

[justabubba]

My GF's father (White European) has been married to her mother (Asian) for 15 years, now they are in their 40's. The mother decided to move her mother from Asia to Europe permanently with them as her mother is nearing retirement age. I understand that the long distance "relationship" between him and his mother-in-law was good, but now that she will be brought from Asia into the center of his marriage permanently, what will become of the marriage? He loves his wife and vice versa (I think) but he appears stressed at the best of days because of his work situation (I guess), and I am wondering if 3 will be a crowd to the extent that the marriage will break down. Do I guess that even the friendliest mother-in-law gets crankier by age if not a visitor but a permanent installment, and European life/housing can't accomodate such an arrangement? Also, in the bedroom, don't wives think negatively about sex when their mother sleeps the opposite side of the wall? (He said this.) So, is it possible to interpret this such that his wife is now replacing him with her mother? What is your take? Do you have an idea to sort out this confusion?

he doesn't need to worry about sex


because it is obvious his wife is the one who owns the balls in the family, by unilaterally making such a major decision

 

[liblady]

My GF's father (White European) has been married to her mother (Asian) for 15 years, now they are in their 40's. The mother decided to move her mother from Asia to Europe permanently with them as her mother is nearing retirement age. I understand that the long distance "relationship" between him and his mother-in-law was good, but now that she will be brought from Asia into the center of his marriage permanently, what will become of the marriage? He loves his wife and vice versa (I think) but he appears stressed at the best of days because of his work situation (I guess), and I am wondering if 3 will be a crowd to the extent that the marriage will break down. Do I guess that even the friendliest mother-in-law gets crankier by age if not a visitor but a permanent installment, and European life/housing can't accomodate such an arrangement? Also, in the bedroom, don't wives think negatively about sex when their mother sleeps the opposite side of the wall? (He said this.) So, is it possible to interpret this such that his wife is now replacing him with her mother? What is your take? Do you have an idea to sort out this confusion?

don't worry so much! many people have the same arrangement and work it out. that's life, really.

 

[ab9924]

Thanks for your advices, they show that this guy doesn't really have a lot of choices. I really don't want to end up like I did with my previous gf's father, he stayed with me for 3 month for his divorce. I don't think this would go down at all with the trustees again. I am really curious, is there any way he can negotiate this mother-in-law thing to go away? (Or, shall I break up with her when her father will start asking me questions?)

 

[MaggieD]

he doesn't need to worry about sex

because it is obvious his wife is the one who owns the balls in the family, by unilaterally making such a major decision

And you know he didn't agree to this arrangement because....?

Thanks for your advices, they show that this guy doesn't really have a lot of choices. I really don't want to end up like I did with my previous gf's father, he stayed with me for 3 month for his divorce. I don't think this would go down at all with the trustees again. I am really curious, is there any way he can negotiate this mother-in-law thing to go away? (Or, shall I break up with her when her father will start asking me questions?)

I think you should break up with her. You're a nosey parker, have very little empathy, and are looking for a reason to do so anyhow.

 

[Enola]

I think it will be fine and your friend shouldn't worry so much until the MIL arrives. He just needs to welcome her (remember, she is probably nervous as well), and take it day at a time. If problems arise, then have a family meeting on what is expected and what is not.
I live with 3 roommates. It is bliss. No problems at all.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

I lived in my mother's house for the first twelve years of my life and now, in my thirties, I am living in my mother's house again.

My mother will always be welcome in my house. A woman that has a problem with this is likely ill-suited to be my wife. Likewise, I would have to think twice about marrying a woman whose mother would not be equally as welcome in my home. When you marry a woman, you marry her whole family-- and family comes with obligations.

 

[ab9924]

I think you should break up with her. You're a nosey parker, have very little empathy, and are looking for a reason to do so anyhow.

Wow I didn't know that about myself. You are a VERY good reader of people. I think I should work on my empathy processor.

 

[ab9924]

Here is another thing I discovered. Her mother and father asked me to do a research about the mother-in-law's immigration process. (As if I didn't rather die than study law.) It turns out that most EU Schengen countries updated their immigration regulations following Clinton's US reforms in the 1990's. So, now, either her mother or her father must sign a government contract before the immigration is allowed. This is a financial contract, and stipulates that every expence will be directly billed to the signatory. This includes even emergency hospital visits. The contract also stipulates that the only way to terminate it is that the immigrant becomes a citizen. Her mother said that I just messed up my research and also refused to sign such a contract, but her father did read my web printouts and believes me. Since any emergency hospital visit can easily run into many thousand Euros, as well as it may easily take 10 years or so to become a citizen, I adviced her father not to sign it. Did I meddle too much into their family? I think I will tear my hair out, do you have an idea how to resolve this including this financial fiasco of it? Thanks a lot for your ideas.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Having to spend thousands of Euros on an emergency room visit is just like living in the US without insurance.

 

[Aunt Spiker]

I don't know: "For better or for worse" should be rolling through his mind right now and resonating in his heart.

 

[ab9924]

Having to spend thousands of Euros on an emergency room visit is just like living in the US without insurance.

Yes. Pretty much. I think it is exactly the national health care costs that the government's immigration financial support contract wants to save by denying it to the mother-in-law. If this guy signs it, he will be liable for it till he files bankruptcy. By the way, I have discovered that this very contract also obligates him to financially sponsor the mother-in-law at some % above the national statistics poverty level, until she becomes a citizen. So if he dares divorce her mother after he signs, he will pay alimony not only to his new ex-wife but also to his ex-mother-in-law. I think I am getting amazed. What do you think?

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Well, if he is hesitant to uphold his marital obligations out of fear that his wife will divorce him, I think that's a rather definitive statement about the state of his marriage. Not necessarily that there is something wrong with his end of it-- but that there is something wrong with it somewhere.

 

[Aunt Spiker]

Well, if he is hesitant to uphold his marital obligations out of fear that his wife will divorce him, I think that's a rather definitive statement about the state of his marriage. Not necessarily that there is something wrong with his end of it-- but that there is something wrong with it somewhere.

What's wrong is that he's not seeing it from her view - or from his mother-in-laws view . . . or their kids or anyone else's view. He's only focusing on 'himself' and she's trying to worry about 'her mother' - that is the issue.

He could try this - might be crazy: but if he doesn't want mother-in-law living there he could try to find her adequate and comfortable alternate accommodations.

He could also try to see it from other points of view: what if it was HIS mother - or himself or his wife in the future, how would they want their children to handle an ailing or aging parental unit?

when it comes to 'what to do with family' sometimes what you're worried about and focusing on isn't THE most important thing.

 

[jambalaya]

I think if her mother is not a tyrant and the wife can maintain reasonable control of the household it will be alright. I don't blame the man for being a little apprehensive but we all someday probably hope our chidren will do the same for us. I hope her mother is gracious and appreciative. He should start off by being nice, helpful and hopeful and go from there.

 

[ab9924]

What's wrong is that he's not seeing it from her view - or from his mother-in-laws view . . . or their kids or anyone else's view. He's only focusing on 'himself' and she's trying to worry about 'her mother' - that is the issue.

He could try this - might be crazy: but if he doesn't want mother-in-law living there he could try to find her adequate and comfortable alternate accommodations.

He could also try to see it from other points of view: what if it was HIS mother - or himself or his wife in the future, how would they want their children to handle an ailing or aging parental unit?

when it comes to 'what to do with family' sometimes what you're worried about and focusing on isn't THE most important thing.

I am wondering, would this equation change if we factor in that he alone will be financially responsible for his mother-in-law's medicals and upkeep (at 125 % of national poverty level), by law, even if he divorces his wife as an unrelated future event? (Maybe I am missing to understand some of the posts here.)

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

I am wondering, would this equation change if we factor in that he alone will be financially responsible for his mother-in-law's medicals and upkeep (at 125 % of national poverty level), by law, even if he divorces his wife as an unrelated future event? (Maybe I am missing to understand some of the posts here.)

No, it would not. She is by law and by oath his mother and the government's enforcement of that moral obligation does not, in any sense, detract from it. That the law allows him to casually break his oath-- or allows his wife to break hers-- does not change the fact that he made that oath and that he is morally, if not legally, bound by it.

 

[Harry Guerrilla]

I just spent 3 days with my MIL and I've had my fill, I don't think I could stand the whole moving in thing and would outright deny her.