Why adultery can help save a marriage

[Bonnie1988]

I am not a slave to a man, my child, to a god, I am human. And I do have standards. I will not be mistreated and think nothing of it. I certainly would not stay in a marriage for my children. I did not marry for my children. I married for me. Because I wanted to. I was ready to. I will never be ready to be betrayed. I know my limits and I know what I can handle and still be healthy. I also know what I cannot. Being in an unhealthy marriage can be much more detrimental to the children in my opinion.

At least you acknowledge you're in it for yourself and you child is just a residual footnote being towed along behind your life you live for yourself.

While I am not writing in absolutes and (rarely) divorce would be necessary - nor can a person do much if the other one divorces - for those with lists of reasons for divorcing it really shouldn't be called "marriage." It should be called what it is: "Mutually convenience monogamy" that ends when it is no longer convenient. That isn't marriage. Its a monogamous affair.

 

[Bonnie1988]

I am not a slave to a man, my child, to a god, I am human. And I do have standards. I will not be mistreated and think nothing of it. I certainly would not stay in a marriage for my children. I did not marry for my children. I married for me. Because I wanted to. I was ready to. I will never be ready to be betrayed. I know my limits and I know what I can handle and still be healthy. I also know what I cannot. Being in an unhealthy marriage can be much more detrimental to the children in my opinion.

At least you acknowledge you're in it for yourself and your child is a residual footnote being towed along behind your life you live for yourself.

Actually I believe a parent is a slave to infant and very young children. This doesn't mean the child dominates the parent as a parent must parent. I gather you also didn't have children for the childrens' sake, but for yourself. Like buying a puppy?

While I am not writing in absolutes and (rarely) divorce would be necessary - nor can a person do much if the other one divorces - for those with lists of reasons for divorcing it really shouldn't be called "marriage." It should be called what it is: "Mutually convenience monogamy" that ends when it is no longer convenient. That isn't marriage. Its a monogamous affair.

 

[Bonnie1988]

Bonnie bonnie bonnie,

My EX left me, I didn't leave her, and I didnt' know she had cheated till AFTER the fact. So instead of trying to make yourself look good by throwing a low belt shot at me, why don't you get your facts straight?

Now, do try to rewrite the above post without attempting to use me as a RL situation, because A: Mine isn't applicable, and B: this is hypothetical were talking here. Quite making everything personal.

I quite reading at the point you attempted to make this about my ex wife.

Now, be a good little girl and rewrite that without trying to use me as a slam. Got it?

No, you began this with a message posting a slam at me and I wasn't even in this thread. And I do look go in relation to you, even by your own standards.

 

[Dynamic]

At least you acknowledge you're in it for yourself and your child is a residual footnote being towed along behind your life you live for yourself.

Actually I believe a parent is a slave to infant and very young children. This doesn't mean the child dominates the parent as a parent must parent. I gather you also didn't have children for the childrens' sake, but for yourself. Like buying a puppy?

While I am not writing in absolutes and (rarely) divorce would be necessary - nor can a person do much if the other one divorces - for those with lists of reasons for divorcing it really shouldn't be called "marriage." It should be called what it is: "Mutually convenience monogamy" that ends when it is no longer convenient. That isn't marriage. Its a monogamous affair.

No. Actually, my first child was an accident. And I say accident meaning unplanned. I have no problem admitting it because it doesn't change how much I love my child, and I certainly do not regret making the choice to keep my child. My second child was planned, and yes because I wanted a pet monkey but couldn't afford one so I had a baby instead--next best thing you know? The one that is baking in the oven was also planned. I actually want four children. Because I sure could use another mess to clean up! But hey, that circus of pet monkeys makes for some really good entertainment.
As for keeping a child as a mere pet, that's what I gather from your post. But not the child, instead, the husband or wife.
If you are cheating, knowing how your partner feels about it, and knowing they would leave you for it, and you cheat regardless, the fault is in YOUR hands. Cheating never involved the children, and neither did marriage until religion deemed BASTARDS unworthy of God.
I am in my relationship for me. I would be a liar to say it was for my kids. Kids grow up and leave, and where would I be? Empty? Lonely? Miserable? How about not? You cannot love anyone else if you do not love yourself. You cannot have respect for anyone else if you do not respect yourself. You have failed to convince me.

 

[Renae]

No, you began this with a message posting a slam at me and I wasn't even in this thread. And I do look go in relation to you, even by your own standards.

No, I just said you would love this thread, and you do.

If you feel it's a slam to say you would allow adultery...you should rethink your posts on here.

 

[Jerry]

I do know a couple of couples that are swingers and it seems to work for them. For me it would never work but for some it does.

Does it work for the children?

 

[Dr_Patrick]

Does it work for the children?

Couples who swing obviously don't involve their children. It's a private thing between the couple that they use to spice up their sex life or whatever. If couples who don't swing don't involve their children in their sex lives I don't see why couples who do swing would.

 

[Bonnie1988]

No. Actually, my first child was an accident. And I say accident meaning unplanned. I have no problem admitting it because it doesn't change how much I love my child, and I certainly do not regret making the choice to keep my child. My second child was planned, and yes because I wanted a pet monkey but couldn't afford one so I had a baby instead--next best thing you know? The one that is baking in the oven was also planned. I actually want four children. Because I sure could use another mess to clean up! But hey, that circus of pet monkeys makes for some really good entertainment.
As for keeping a child as a mere pet, that's what I gather from your post. But not the child, instead, the husband or wife.
If you are cheating, knowing how your partner feels about it, and knowing they would leave you for it, and you cheat regardless, the fault is in YOUR hands. Cheating never involved the children, and neither did marriage until religion deemed BASTARDS unworthy of God.
I am in my relationship for me. I would be a liar to say it was for my kids. Kids grow up and leave, and where would I be? Empty? Lonely? Miserable? How about not? You cannot love anyone else if you do not love yourself. You cannot have respect for anyone else if you do not respect yourself. You have failed to convince me.

Not trying to convince you, just expressing my own views. I also generally have a "what's in it for me?" view. I like your message a lot actually. Honestly and balance.

 

[Bonnie1988]

No, I just said you would love this thread, and you do.

If you feel it's a slam to say you would allow adultery...you should rethink your posts on here.

I would no more "allow" adultery than allow my child to steal from my purse. I would not put my child up for adoption if he/she did.

 

[Renae]

I would no more "allow" adultery than allow my child to steal from my purse. I would not put my child up for adoption if he/she did.

Yes, because stealing from your purse is the same as adultery, and giving up children for adoption is like divorce...

Yes.. I can so not see the connections here.

 

[Jerry]

Couples who swing obviously don't involve their children. It's a private thing between the couple that they use to spice up their sex life or whatever. If couples who don't swing don't involve their children in their sex lives I don't see why couples who do swing would.

So you're saying that divorce, runaway, and juvenile crime rates along with and academic achievements among swinging couples are no worse then monogamist couples?

Could you provide some data on this please?

 

[scourge99]

So you're saying that divorce, runaway, and juvenile crime rates along with and academic achievements among swinging couples are no worse then monogamist couples?

Could you provide some data on this please?

You want a pie chart or a bar graph? :roll:

Can you provide data showing otherwise Jerry, or do you presume to know the opposite is true?

 

[1069]

Adultery kept my first marriage limping along for a few more years that it would've without adultery.
But that's not necessarily a good thing.
If a marriage is so bad that you're looking to adultery to "save" it, you're probably better off without it.

:twocents:

 

[Thorgasm]

"But honey, I'm trying to save our marriage. It's a family matter. That's why I chose your sister."

:rofl

 

[Bonnie1988]

Yes, because stealing from your purse is the same as adultery, and giving up children for adoption is like divorce...

Yes.. I can so not see the connections here.

Its no contradiction at all. Your usage of "allow" is twisted. You'd allow your wife to total your car? What a rotten thing for you to do. Or is that another reason you would divorce? You usage of "allow" is just off base.

You use the same logic of the man who learning his wife is leaving him then kills her, his wife and then himself - claiming it her fault and to avoid the pain for everyone. It isn't the wife who killed everyone one, he did it.

Adultery causes the harms it causes. This varies and is much on the personality and relationship of the couple. But if you go throwing acid on your children, yourself and her that is your fault, not hers.

Adultery is a massive go blow to many, then shielded in the words "betrayal" and breach of trust. But whatever damage is done beyond the emotional damage of the adultery itself is something you did, not her.

To claim it is to keep the children from a "slut whore" mother is just your trying to justify your actions through the children. But until teens I doubt any child cares who their parent has sex with and even then only for how the child is affected. Children are very ego-centric and view the universe as revolving around them - or at least think it should.

Last, I think any man who would call the women who when through pregnancy, labor and then then had his children a "slutty whore" because she decided she didn't want you anymore or for any other reason is crude, ungraceful and no gentleman. If I were your wife, I would wonder what words and thoughts of hatred and blame against me you would come to have.

 

[mikhail]

There is a thing called being single that allows you to **** who you want.

If both parties are comfortable with it its fine but almost in a rapper type way **** these bitches if they only want you for security.

 

[Bonnie1988]

MrVicchio, if I have personalized this too much, I do apologize. As I've written before, I don't know you, only your messages. My posts in response to yours are in response only to the words of your messages, not you personally.

 

[Kelzie]

I like that this shrink differintiates between types of adultery. I can see the point of not telling, if it's a single event. If my husband cheated on me in a moment of absolute stupidity (and/or drunkeness), I would never want him to tell me. I am content with him feeling guilty for the rest of his life and me being none the wiser. A single act of cheating does not necessarily mean the relationship is garbage. Sometimes people are just stupid. But if you tell your spouse, even if they stay with you, the relationship will be permanantly damaged. If you honestly do not intend to do it again, what's the point in risking your marriage by telling?

Now an affair is a different story.

 

[Jerry]

You want a pie chart or a bar graph? :roll:

If it has a few pop-ups and a coloring section that would be awesome.

Can you provide data showing otherwise Jerry, or do you presume to know the opposite is true?

If I made a claim to the contrary then I would indeed need to provide a source.

But all I've don is ask questions.

Do you have a source?

 

[Jerry]

"But honey, I'm trying to save our marriage. It's a family matter. That's why I chose your sister."

:rofl

Hey, as long as it's between consenting adults, right?

 

[Thorgasm]

Hey, as long as it's between consenting adults, right?

You get it. :lol:

 

[Dr_Patrick]

So you're saying that divorce, runaway, and juvenile crime rates along with and academic achievements among swinging couples are no worse then monogamist couples?

That's not what I said, but okay. Regardless, why would they be? Do you have any data showing that they are?

Could you provide some data on this please?

You mean on the argument that you made up for me? Yeah, as soon as you show me data saying that divorce, runaway and juvenile crime rates are worse with swinging couples and that this behavior is a direct result of the parents swinging.

 

[Jerry]

That's not what I said, but okay. Regardless, why would they be? Do you have any data showing that they are?

You mean on the argument that you made up for me? Yeah, as soon as you show me data saying that divorce, runaway and juvenile crime rates are worse with swinging couples and that this behavior is a direct result of the parents swinging.

So you can't back up your argument, that consensual adultery doesn't negatively affect the family as unconstitutional adultery does?

Or did you assume that the children had to participate in the sex in order to be affected?

 

[scourge99]

If it has a few pop-ups and a coloring section that would be awesome.

Only if you promise to color between the lines.

If I made a claim to the contrary then I would indeed need to provide a source.

Do you have a source?

Do we need a scientific article with data to explain everything?

If there's not a scientific study supporting an assertion does that mean the assertion is false? No, it just means no ones taken the time to do a study.

If you have a study to the contrary then share it otherwise you are wasting time with ill-conceived skepticism to avoid debating an inconvenient truth.

 

[Dr_Patrick]

So you can't back up your argument, that consensual adultery doesn't negatively affect the family as unconstitutional adultery does?

Logic would dictate that it doesn't. When couples swing they are typically using other people as sex toys to enhance their own experiences. Sometimes they are friends, but a lot of the time it is a "no-strings attached" type of relationship. Kids don't factor into a monogamous couple's sexual activities, I fail to see how they would suddenly factor in if the couple are swingers. I don't even see how kids could possibly factor into the equation considering that most parents would do it when they are away or when their kids are out of the house.

Or did you assume that the children had to participate in the sex in order to be affected?

No, but they would have to be aware of it. Most couples I've met who swing and have children do it completely privately so their kids aren't even aware of it. If you are going to assert that somehow kids still will know about this you should provide some data to back up your absurd claims.