The Atheist

[Trinity]

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

 

[Spartacus FPV]

Was that supposed to even be funny?

Actually if a god stopped time and spoke to an atheist, that would constitute evidence for its existence to the atheist, and he/she would thus be unafraid of death by bear.

An atheist is not a hypocrite for changing his mind when faced with new evidence, thats what it means to be a rational human being; also, aside from being utterly ridiculous, your story wasn't even funny.

Besides, saying "oh my god" is almost a colloqialism, in that its a part of our culture, much like how in the UK one is more inclined to say "Oh my goodness."

I've even said it from time to time, it had nothing to do with my metaphysical or theological beliefs, it was merely a meaningless outburst, a bad habit from my previous Christianity.

Also, not having a belief in a god is not denying its existence, and no one who understands evolution regards it as a "cosmic accident" or "chance." Natural selection is the exact opposite of chance or accidental.

 

[Trinity]

Re: Was that supposed to even be funny?

Actually if a god stopped time and spoke to an atheist, that would constitute evidence for its existence to the atheist

Exactly.

and he/she would thus be unafraid of death by bear.

Not true. Accountability on the part of the atheist has not been settled yet. That's why God called the atheist to account for his past disbelief.

An atheist is not a hypocrite for changing his mind when faced with new evidence, thats what it means to be a rational human being

Absolutely. However, the atheist chose not to be a believer still, even when faced with pure evidence that God exists and shows His presence, that's why his fate is sealed. Tho God did give the atheist a chance to redeem himself

Besides, saying "oh my god" is almost a colloqialism, in that its a part of our culture, much like how in the UK one is more inclined to say "Oh my goodness."

I've even said it from time to time, it had nothing to do with my metaphysical or theological beliefs, it was merely a meaningless outburst, a bad habit from my previous Christianity.

Agreed. That is part of the joke The atheist didn't plan on acknowledging God's presence by saying OMG. But that only makes the joke more humorous by the turn of events resulting from it

Also, not having a belief in a god is not denying its existence

True, but the joke starts out with THE ATHEIST who does not believe in any God.

and no one who understands evolution regards it as a "cosmic accident" or "chance." Natural selection is the exact opposite of chance or accidental.

I think it is more an implication that the atheist believed in the Big Bang Theory which I think is what the cosmic accident in the joke refered to.

It's a joke, don't get too uptight over it It isn't meant to be taken seriously.

 

[Gipper]

When an atheist says, "Oh my God" he thinks he's talking to himself.

 

[Spartacus FPV]

You must believe in a thing to talk to it.

When an atheist says, "Oh my God" he's talking to himself.

There, I fixed it for you.

 

[Spartacus FPV]

It just wasn't funny

Not true. Accountability on the part of the atheist has not been settled yet. That's why God called the atheist to account for his past disbelief.

Wrong, disbelief due to the failed hypothesis of others, and a total lack of evidence is perfectly justified.

Absolutely. However, the atheist chose not to be a believer still, even when faced with pure evidence that God exists and shows His presence, that's why his fate is sealed. Tho God did give the atheist a chance to redeem himself

Only in your silly story would an atheist deny evidence. In reality, we are the open-minded ones, who can state a standard by which our minds can be changed.

Agreed. That is part of the joke The atheist didn't plan on acknowledging God's presence by saying OMG. But that only makes the joke more humorous by the turn of events resulting from it

True, but the joke starts out with THE ATHEIST who does not believe in any God.

Why is the lack of belief in any god a joke? You do realize the near infinite number of competing gods on offer to the one of your arbitrary chance of birth right? You do realize that they cannot all be true and exist right?

So whats more of a joke, the fact that most people who believe in a god have to be wrong, or that one justifiably does not believe in any of them, and regards them all as equally valid (which is to say, not at all.)

I think it is more an implication that the atheist believed in the Big Bang Theory which I think is what the cosmic accident in the joke refered to.

It's a joke, don't get too uptight over it It isn't meant to be taken seriously.

No one is being uptight, its just a poor joke that would only be funny to people who holds such misconceptions about atheism.

 

[rathi]

I thought the point was that while the bear was praying for his food, the atheist would run far away. Given the length of a typical grace , he could easily get a 1/4 mile headstart.

 

[DeeJayH]

good joke
dont know why militant atheists have no sense of humor
probably hit too close to home
or he/she has overthunk it

 

[Spartacus FPV]

Reason

I thought the point was that while the bear was praying for his food, the atheist would run far away. Given the length of a typical grace , he could easily get a 1/4 mile headstart.

That didn't occur to me as "the point" so much as another hole in the story.

 

[DeeJayH]

is it just me or are atheists becoming like radical Muslims
jokes can be made of every religion, but dont you dare make a joke about Islam (atheism)
that is so ****ing out of bounds, and unfunny, and does not compute

 

[rathi]

is it just me or are atheists becoming like radical Muslims
jokes can be made of every religion, but dont you dare make a joke about Islam (atheism)
that is so ****ing out of bounds, and unfunny, and does not compute

Thats not the case here. There are plenty of good jokes about atheists, this just isn't one of them. I hardly offended by this joke, I just don't think it is very funny. The set up isn't very good. Why does the atheist tell god to make the bear Christian? It had a decent punchline, but without proper set up it didn't really come across very well.

 

[DeeJayH]

not directed at anyone in particular


WAAAAAAAAAAAH
its War on Atheists :mrgreen:

 

[Spartacus FPV]

Its all in your head, and the hyperbole is getting old...

is it just me or are atheists becoming like radical Muslims

Its just you, the two are no analogous in any way.

jokes can be made of every religion, but dont you dare make a joke about Islam (atheism)

Tell me, who are you getting this from honestly? What person on this board has ever suggested that one should not make jokes about atheism, rather than what actually occurs: people saying that you shouldn't tell bad jokes.

There are plenty of good jokes about atheism on this board, just see Jerry's or Felicity's posts posts, and they're always received well because they're 1. funny and 2. accurate (free of mischaracterization... mostly)

that is so ****ing out of bounds, and unfunny, and does not compute

You're making up this notion of "out of bounds" or that anything doesn't "compute," this straw man of yours just doesn't exist. In fact mischaracterizing atheists in the manner that you're doing is mainly the reason why this thread and its joke sucked.

not directed at anyone in particular

WAAAAAAAAAAAH
its War on Atheists :mrgreen:

... not really funny either, and I usually go for irony; given that its the Christians who cry persecution anytime someone brings up the 1st amendment.

Besides, there actually have been wars on atheists, there was never (to my knowledge) an actual war on Christmas.

 

[Spartacus FPV]

Re: Its all in your head, and the hyperbole is getting old...

-What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

-An atheist walks into a bar and finds a priest, a rabbi, and an imam in boisterious discussion at a table in the back. “What is this, a joke?” he thinks to himself.

-One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books, the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?” “Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

-An atheist walks into a bar and says “Ow that hurt!”

See? You can make jokes that aren't the typical unfunny rehashes of god's cruelty or the "poetic justice" done to nonbelievers.

Heck, even some of those can be funny. I think back in the day doughgirl had this one as her signature:
- A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

 

[mikhail]

Dane cook does a bit thats quite good

YouTube - Dane Cook - Atheist

 

[DeeJayH]

Re: Its all in your head, and the hyperbole is getting old...

Its just you, the two are no analogous in any way.



Tell me, who are you getting this from honestly? What person on this board has ever suggested that one should not make jokes about atheism, rather than what actually occurs: people saying that you shouldn't tell bad jokes.

There are plenty of good jokes about atheism on this board, just see Jerry's or Felicity's posts posts, and they're always received well because they're 1. funny and 2. accurate (free of mischaracterization... mostly)



You're making up this notion of "out of bounds" or that anything doesn't "compute," this straw man of yours just doesn't exist. In fact mischaracterizing atheists in the manner that you're doing is mainly the reason why this thread and its joke sucked.



... not really funny either, and I usually go for irony; given that its the Christians who cry persecution anytime someone brings up the 1st amendment.

Besides, there actually have been wars on atheists, there was never (to my knowledge) an actual war on Christmas.

anal much?

 

[Trinity]

I thought the point was that while the bear was praying for his food, the atheist would run far away. Given the length of a typical grace , he could easily get a 1/4 mile headstart.

Thats not the case here. There are plenty of good jokes about atheists, this just isn't one of them. I hardly offended by this joke, I just don't think it is very funny. The set up isn't very good. Why does the atheist tell god to make the bear Christian? It had a decent punchline, but without proper set up it didn't really come across very well.

The point of the atheist asking God to make the bear Christian was that he was hoping that the bear would be forgiving enough to let him get away after that as a Christian. But he forgot Christian bears need to eat too :2razz:

It's just a joke. Jokes will seem to offend as they make fun of something, maybe sexism, or blondes or even Atheists or Christians. The point is to be able to laugh at it. Granted, not all jokes r good, different things appeal to different ppl. One man's meat is another man's poison. When I post this joke, the Christians all smile and enjoy it when they do see it

Just relax and enjoy it, and if u don't enjoy it, post a good one instead

 

[Edify_Always_In_All_Ways]

Re: Its all in your head, and the hyperbole is getting old...

anal much?

Inaccurate and silly much?

 

[DeeJayH]

Re: Its all in your head, and the hyperbole is getting old...

Inaccurate and silly much?

In a joke thread? usually i atleast try to be :shrug:

 

[Spartacus FPV]

Don't blame me if you suck at humor

anal much?

I care about what's true, and whats funny; you've offered neither.

You could at least put some wit into calling me anal, if this thread were in the basement I'd tell you to get the sand out of your vagina. (Self Fulfilling Prophecy)

Inaccurate and silly much?

In a joke thread? usually i atleast try to be :shrug:

Silly is fine, but truth and accuracy adds to a joke's comedic value. "Thats so true!"

 

[Thorgasm]

Do dyslexic atheists believe in Dog?

 

[OrthodoxAtheist]

Following the OP's reasoning - what if this happened: "a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around", I would forward on the same line of absurdity, what if a giant 6 ton cyclops ran through Tempe Arizona tomorrow? What if JuJu the Mountain god swallowed the sun? What if an undead sorcerer started hurling cars at people telepathically? What if, What if? etc etc...

The laws of probability are forgotten in the organized religion argument, and all form of rational thought need to be abandoned to entertain the "God" theory.