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Stupid jokes

H

Hoot

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I'm starting this thread because I usually hear at least one stupid joke a week. Please accept my apologies for the following joke, as I do not condone this type of behavior...

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Answer: Nothing, you already told her twice.
 
Why do they make aspirin white?

So it will work!
 
What does Woody Allen and a tortoise have in common?

They both came before the hair!
 
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it!
 
OJ cuts to the left...
he slashes to the right...
he's on the 10...
the 5...
the 405...
the 91...
 
Did you hear about the guy that went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, last night I dreamt I was a tee-pee. The night before I dreamt I was a wig-wam. What do you think?"

The doctor said, "OH, that's easy, you're too tents"
 
"Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place" --David Letterman
 
A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."
Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !"
"Yeah, sure" says the bartender.
I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF !" says the dog.
"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"
"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"
"RUFF !" says the dog.
"Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "
"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH !" says the dog.
"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"
 
What is 1+1........









*2*






Get it?...."2".....:2funny:
 
What's 12 inches long and makes a women scream in the morning?




























Crib death!
 
Billo_Really said:
What's 12 inches long and makes a women scream in the morning?

Crib death!
Click to expand...

Eeeeeew that's horrible and stupid as most newborns are between 18-22 inches long from crown to heel....not 12 :roll:
 
Billo_Really said:
OJ cuts to the left...
he slashes to the right...
he's on the 10...
the 5...
the 405...
the 91...
Click to expand...

:2funny:

Where do you get these jokes?
 
One day Daddy Carrot, Mommy Carrot and Baby Carrot went for a walk.
As they walked, they came to a BIG hiway.
Daddy Carrot looked both ways and crossed the hiway.
Mommy Carrot looked both ways and crossed the hiway.
Baby Carrot ran out into the hiway without looking and got hit by a BIG semi truck.
Daddy Carrot called 911 and an ambulance came and took Baby Carrot to the Hospital.
After many hours of surgery, the Doctor finally came out to talk to Mommy and Daddy Carrot.
"Please sit down.", the Doctor said. "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Baby Carrot will live, the bad news is that he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
 
How do you make a Jewish lady scream twice?









Phuck her in the @$$ then wipe your d!ck on her drapes!
 
Did you hear about the jewish kid who went to his dad to borrow fifty bucks?

His dad said, "Forty dollars! What do ya want to borrow thirty dollars for?"
 
Did you hear about the guy that stood up in a bar and said,
"All lawyers are assholes!"
Another guy stood up and said, "Hey, I resent that!"
First guy goes, "Are you a lawyer?"
Second guy responds, "No, I'm an asshole!"
 
My wife asked me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt.

I phucked her twice and slapped her.
 
disclaimer: it's totally inappropriate for me to be participating in this thread at my age and all lol

(in horrendously bad taste, not aimed at alienating xtains and/or professing my own thoughts on xtainity)



why is jesus loved by gay men?

he's well hung



why do women consider christian men better lovers?

they believe in a second cumming
 
nineplus said:
why is jesus loved by gay men?

he's well hung

why do women consider christian men better lovers?

they believe in a second cumming
Click to expand...
:doh
You nailed that one!
 
Why do gay guys use "ribbed" condoms?

Better traction in the mud!
 
How do you f.uck a fat chick?

You flip through the folds 'till you smell sh!t,
then you go back one!
 
Why are fat chicks like mopeds?



They are fun to ride until your friends see you on one.
 
What do you get when a blonde stands on her hands?

A brunette with bad breath!
 
Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care!
 
What's worse than a baby in a dumpster?






A baby in 7 dumpsters!
 
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