Skippy's List

[Redress]

Catz linked this in another thread, and it is a great read. Some of the funniest stuff I have read, and since it relates to the military, I thought I would put it here.

Skippy’s List Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

A quick note:
I don’t mind if you want to quote a few items from my list of your site. But please do not copy the list in it’s entirety.

Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)

To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

The list gets better and better as you go on.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

I freaking love Skippy.

If this were my brother's list, it would read something like:

"Bro may not use the coolant flow off of the reactor to launch metal bolts at hypersonic speed around the engine room."

"Bro may not use the super stick duct tape from the reactor room to remove hair from his peers' body parts."

 

[Redress]

A couple more, can't believe I missed these:

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.