Is it dishonest not to come out?

[Hard Truth]

Yes. It was the Alphabet Soup convention of 1968. :mrgreen:

"LGBT" was historically a response to prejudices within the gay community. Transsexuals were often seen by the gay community as being gay folk who acted out gender stereotypes to deal with their sexuality. Bisexuals were often seen by the gay community as not even existing and being just gay folk who were in semi denial about being gay. By using the acronym, the gay community is acknowledging those groups do exist.

I advocate using the term "consenting adults" to describe people whose lifestyle/preferences put them at risk of persecution and discrimination and those who support them. In that category I would include LGBTQs, swingers, cohabitators, the polyamorous, BDSM/leather folks etc. Arguably, recreational drug users could be included in that category also.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

The only people who need to know your sexual orientation are the people you're sleeping with, and sometimes it's better to leave them guessing, too.

 

[joG]

The only people who need to know your sexual orientation are the people you're sleeping with, and sometimes it's better to leave them guessing, too.

My goodness! You are naughty. Aren't you? !

 

[joG]

The input I received in this thread was quite helpful. It seems overwhelmingly that people do not view it as dishonest to keep that kind of information from people. And yeah, I had not thought of it as "my business" but it is. I am under no obligation to share anything with anyone at work that has no relevance to how I do my job.

That's the way I would see it.
On the other hand,if you do hang it all out there for the world to see, don't expect everyone to applause. They are as free to what they like and dislike as you are. They should be anyway.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

My goodness! You are naughty. Aren't you? !

Have you ever heard of "double adultery"?

 

[joG]

Have you ever heard of "double adultery"?

I didn't know the term.
But it was actually quite fun.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

I didn't know the term.
But it was actually quite fun.

I just looked it up and found out it was an actual term, and not at all what I was talking about.

 

[joG]

I just looked it up and found out it was an actual term, and not at all what I was talking about.

So it goes.


Was what you were talking about fun?

 

[Northern Light]

Aside from not being anybody's business, it's not dishonest to withhold this information if it prevents negative consequences. It's no more dishonest than choosing not to disclose any other aspect of your private life.

It's been said that LGBT people spend their entire lives coming out, over and over again. Just because you come out to your friends and family doesn't mean the process is over. Society assumes you are straight until you clarify, and not every situation makes it safe or opportune to do so.

I don't get the OP question. The only person you have to be true to with something like this, is yourself. It's dishonest to not admit to yourself what it is you really want in life, because anything else is living a lie. Living with that dishonesty is quite a journey and it can take people a long time to reconcile it. But aside from that, you don't owe others an explanation.

 

[chromium]

It's been said that LGBT people spend their entire lives coming out, over and over again. Just because you come out to your friends and family doesn't mean the process is over. Society assumes you are straight until you clarify, and not every situation makes it safe or opportune to do so.

It's true when you get to a new place and are always meeting new people, but once you 'settle down,' it doesn't have to be done so often. Work is usually about half our waking life. Coming out or hiding it there can be huge compared to telling some friend or even sibling he sees once a month.

 

[Quag]

It's true when you get to a new place and are always meeting new people, but once you 'settle down,' it doesn't have to be done so often. Work is usually about half our waking life. Coming out or hiding it there can be huge compared to telling some friend or even sibling he sees once a month.

Just because you don't "come out" does not mean you have to hide it either. This false dichotomy seems to have occurred in a few posts here. If you don't tell everyone you had a vasectomy are you hiding it? If you don't tell everyone you have an extra toe are you hiding it? Yeah perhaps if you go to the beach and refuse to remove your shoes it could be said so but in regular work situations (we are not talking lifeguards here OK!) You wear footwear of some kind. Just like you don't normally have sex on your desk at work (well some people do but usually after hours or in a closed office/conference room) The point is you do not normally display your sexual activities at work so it is not hiding your sexual orientation by not flaunting it at work any more than it is hiding your hetero orientation because you do not do the secretary in the cafeteria at lunchtime.

 

[L0neW0lf]

Yes it is dishonest, dishonesty is not always bad though as is the case here.

 

[L0neW0lf]

Just because you don't "come out" does not mean you have to hide it either. This false dichotomy seems to have occurred in a few posts here. If you don't tell everyone you had a vasectomy are you hiding it? If you don't tell everyone you have an extra toe are you hiding it? Yeah perhaps if you go to the beach and refuse to remove your shoes it could be said so but in regular work situations (we are not talking lifeguards here OK!) You wear footwear of some kind. Just like you don't normally have sex on your desk at work (well some people do but usually after hours or in a closed office/conference room) The point is you do not normally display your sexual activities at work so it is not hiding your sexual orientation by not flaunting it at work any more than it is hiding your hetero orientation because you do not do the secretary in the cafeteria at lunchtime.

You are confusing orientation with sex. Being gay means you are sexually and emotionally attracted to someone of the same sex, you can be a gay guy who's never had sex or married to woman and have a family just like you could be a virgin who is straight. The context OP was speaking of is concealing the fact that he has a SO who's a dude which does come up when dealing with coworkers.

 

[chromium]

Just because you don't "come out" does not mean you have to hide it either. This false dichotomy seems to have occurred in a few posts here. If you don't tell everyone you had a vasectomy are you hiding it? If you don't tell everyone you have an extra toe are you hiding it? Yeah perhaps if you go to the beach and refuse to remove your shoes it could be said so but in regular work situations (we are not talking lifeguards here OK!) You wear footwear of some kind. Just like you don't normally have sex on your desk at work (well some people do but usually after hours or in a closed office/conference room) The point is you do not normally display your sexual activities at work so it is not hiding your sexual orientation by not flaunting it at work any more than it is hiding your hetero orientation because you do not do the secretary in the cafeteria at lunchtime.

In principal you're right, but in practice it's not so simple, not when others are prying into your romance/sex life and talking ("flaunting") of their own openly. It can lead to a great deal of stress, particularly if combined with fear of losing one's job. Is anyone ever fired or shunned for getting a vasectomy?

 

[Quag]

You are confusing orientation with sex. Being gay means you are sexually and emotionally attracted to someone of the same sex, you can be a gay guy who's never had sex or married to woman and have a family just like you could be a virgin who is straight. The context OP was speaking of is concealing the fact that he has a SO who's a dude which does come up when dealing with coworkers.

No I am referring to people who say either he comes out or he hides it. Just because you dont "come out" does not mean you are hiding your sexuality. You may but not necessrily so.

 

[Quag]

In principal you're right, but in practice it's not so simple, not when others are prying into your romance/sex life and talking ("flaunting") of their own openly. It can lead to a great deal of stress, particularly if combined with fear of losing one's job. Is anyone ever fired or shunned for getting a vasectomy?

Some people never talk about their private lives at work they are just like that, it doesnt mean they are hiding anythign it could just be that they are reserved or private about their lives. some peoplw wont shut up about it, we all know at least one person like that. Though you are right as far as i know no one has ever been shunned or fired for having a vasectomy. My point is ther is not only the 2 options of "coming out" or hiding it. You can just go on about your life and not really discuss it that doesnt mean you are hiding anything. Telling your SO never to call or visit you at work could be considered trying to hide it. But having them call without mentioning that they are your SO is not really hiding anything.

 

[chromium]

Some people never talk about their private lives at work they are just like that, it doesnt mean they are hiding anythign it could just be that they are reserved or private about their lives. some peoplw wont shut up about it, we all know at least one person like that. Though you are right as far as i know no one has ever been shunned or fired for having a vasectomy. My point is ther is not only the 2 options of "coming out" or hiding it. You can just go on about your life and not really discuss it that doesnt mean you are hiding anything. Telling your SO never to call or visit you at work could be considered trying to hide it. But having them call without mentioning that they are your SO is not really hiding anything.

Yes, that's an option and i went over that in my 1st post here. It means you won't ever get close to your coworkers, who may even resent you for it. That's fine for some. Others are more extroverted and don't want to spend half their waking life talking of work related crap only.

 

[L0neW0lf]

No I am referring to people who say either he comes out or he hides it. Just because you dont "come out" does not mean you are hiding your sexuality. You may but not necessrily so.

Most of the time that is exactly what it means. And its the case in OP.

 

[Quag]

Most of the time that is exactly what it means. And its the case in OP.

I disagree compeltely, not coming out DOES not mean hiding your sexuality. Hiding your sexuality however is implicit in not coming out (if you are gay of course).
All oranges are fruit but not all fruit are oranges.

 

[L0neW0lf]

Inot coming out DOES not mean hiding your sexuality. Hiding your sexuality however is implicit in not coming out (if you are gay of course).

Not always true but in a lot of cases if not most cases (as is the case in OP) it is, its not that easy to hide your personal relationships from people you know and spend most of your days with without being good at lying.

 

[chromium]

I disagree compeltely, not coming out DOES not mean hiding your sexuality. Hiding your sexuality however is implicit in not coming out (if you are gay of course).
All oranges are fruit but not all fruit are oranges.

Please, you can tell the OP is stressed out over having to hide it, or would not have made the thread. There is no point arguing this with people who have been thru this at their jobs.

 

[Quag]

Not always true but in a lot of cases if not most cases (as is the case in OP) it is, its not that easy to hide your personal relationships from people you know and spend most of your days with without being good at lying.

IF you are trying to hide it I agree. If you are not trying to but just not talking about it that is different. My point is it does not HAVE to be a situation of coming out or hiding it.

 

[Quag]

Please, you can tell the OP is stressed out over having to hide it, or would not have made the thread. There is no point arguing this with people who have been thru this at their jobs.

I Agree the Op seems to feel he needed to hide it, that is his buisness. However my point is being homosexual does not place you automatically in a situation of needing to come out or hiding it. For instance when he says co-workers, clients ask if he has a significant other chances are they actually asked if he had a wife/girlfriend and the honest answer is no. I worked with an openly gay man a while ago and he always reffered to his S/O as his roomate so again not necessarily hiding it. Now he does mention as well that he lets people know he isnt comfortable talking about his private life at work. That is totally fine if that is what he wants. However if he is saying that not because he is normally a private person but merely for fear of letting people know he is gay then yes that would be hiding it and unfortunately not a good situation. No attempt at providing advice here just pointing out that not acting out in a natural way for yourself will add unhealthy stress to your life.

Op was asking if he was being dishonest about not coming out and the answer is no. If he was lying and pretending he had a girlfriend that would be dishonest. Though I could understand how someone could feel obligated to do so.