Is "enabling" an addiction?

Scenerio: A man comes home drunk at 1:30 AM, leaves the car running in the street, driver door open, staggers up the front steps, falls down in the living room where he pukes and passes out. This happens frequently with this husband and father.

Wifey #1 who wants to help him: Does nothing except pack up the kids and stay overnight at her mom's or a friend. Husband wakes up in the morning in his own vomit. His car has been towed. The house is empty.

Wifey #2 addicted to enabling: Pulls the car into the driveway and shuts it off. Cleans up the mess in the living room. Rouses her husband, cleans him up, and gets him into bed.

I say Wifey #2 is addicted to enabling and has as much a problem as her husband.

You?

I'm not sure and think the answer somewhere in the middle. We know a couple whose husband in an alcoholic. They have been married 31 years and still have teenage children at home. His drivers license, of course, long gone. Often people have brought up the topic of divorce and her answer is no for many reasons, including "love," "the children," "our home" and she doesn't believe as a single mother the grass would be greener on the other side.

He's been dry for over a year (again) now. She has been diagnoised with lung cancer (middle stage) and he's around for her now. He does work and contribute economically. The kids love him (when he's sobber). So does she.

But she set many rules long ago. She will not get him out of jail, visit him in jail or having anything to do with legalities. He has to lay it out in jail rather than using money to pay fines. She will not drive him anywhere and he can not drive of course. She will not allow him in the house if he is drunk. He can not bring any drinking buddies to the house nor can ANY of his friends ever stay over night nor ANY bar buddies come to the house. No liquor in the house, ever. Advised him that she will divorce if there is ever another woman in his drunk binges. He must bring his full, uncashed paycheck home and endorse it. She will never go to a bar with him, ever. Some other rules. She is not a drunk.

There are two kinds of drunks. Mean drunks (get mean and violent) and happy drugs (get silly and cheerful). He is the latter. As for leaving him, her reasons not to do so are obvious. If she did, then what? Half a dozen kids, trying to figure where to put them while she goes to work living in some crappy apartment begging for food stamps and always explaining its their drunk dad's fault that they can't get new clothes - as if excuses help - with her always sleeping alone in bed fretting about how to met the bills at the end of the month?

I think many people divorce or leave only to find the grass isn't greener on the other side, and then live their lives largely around hating their ex in some sense of betrayal. We read that alot on the forum, though more from the men as the women usually gets the kids. She decided to do her marriage the old-fashioned-way: Stick it out, set rules about bad behavior and appreciate the pluses of him, the family, the home and the marriage. For her, that appears the right decision.

I'm not sure I'd call it an addiction, but I'd definitely call it a co-dependent need for some people.

joko104 said:

I'm not sure and think the answer somewhere in the middle. We know a couple whose husband in an alcoholic. They have been married 31 years and still have teenage children at home. His license, of course, long gone. Often people have brought up the topic of divorce and her answer is no for many reasons, including "love," "the children," "our home" and she doesn't believe as a single mother the grass would be greener on the other side.

He's been dry for over a year (again) now. She has been diagnoised with lung cancer (middle stage) and he's around. He does work and contribute economically.

But she set many rules long ago. She will not get him out of jail, visit him in jail or having anything to do with legalities. She will not drive him anywhere and he can not drive of course. She will not allow him in the house if he is drunk. He can not bring any drinking buddies to the house nor can ANY friends ever stay over. No liquor in the house, ever. Advised him that she will divorce if there is ever another woman in his drunk binges. He must bring his full, uncashed paycheck home and endorse it. Some others. She is not a drunk.

There are two kinds of drunks. Mean drunks (get mean and violent) and happy drugs (get silly and cheerful). He is the latter. As for leaving him, her reasons not to do so are obvious. Then what? Half a dozen kids, trying to figure where to put them, while she goes to work living in some crappy apartment begging for food stamps and always explaining its their drunk dad's flaw they can't get new clothes - with her always sleeping alone in bed fretting about how to met the bills at the end of the month?

I think many people divorce or leave only to find the grass isn't greener on the other side, and then live their lives largely around hating their ex in some sense of betrayal. We read that alot on the forum, though more from the men as the women usually gets the kids. She decided to do her marriage the old-fashioned-way: Stick it out, set rules about bad behavior and appreciate the pluses of him, the family, the home and the marriage. For her, that appears the right decision.

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Now, see, I don't consider her an enabler. She makes sure he is responsible for his behavior. Maybe that kind of tough love was responsible for him being dry a year. I hope he stays dry. She's going to need him.

lizzie said:

I'm not sure I'd call it an addiction, but I'd definitely call it a co-dependent need for some people.

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That's a great word for it. I think people who enable others in their bad behavior are much in need of counseling. In my opinion, they do much more harm than good to those they love.

MaggieD said:

Scenerio: A man comes home drunk at 1:30 AM, leaves the car running in the street, driver door open, staggers up the front steps, falls down in the living room where he pukes and passes out. This happens frequently with this husband and father.

Wifey #1 who wants to help him: Does nothing except pack up the kids and stay overnight at her mom's or a friend. Husband wakes up in the morning in his own vomit. His car has been towed. The house is empty.

Wifey #2 addicted to enabling: Pulls the car into the driveway and shuts it off. Cleans up the mess in the living room. Rouses her husband, cleans him up, and gets him into bed.

I say Wifey #2 is addicted to enabling and has as much a problem as her husband.

You?

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In the case of Wife #2 cleaning up messes that people leave and caring for people while they're not at their best might just be part of her 'job description' - does she want the car to get stolen just because he was drunk? Smell vomit all night because he was drunk?

I think it's "after that" which matters- what does she do the next day? Does she talk to him about it, tell him it's unacceptable? Encourage him to get help and go to AA, etc? Does she put her foot down if he brings home liquor?

When you're married sometimes just letting someone drown in their own crap isn't' possible because a marriage effects everyone.

And maybe Wife #1 has her own issues - is it always best to get up and leave someone after you've married? I don't believe it is unless you're in harm's way due to their actions. I wouldn't want my husband to have abandoned me in the middle of the night because I had some serious personal issues. . .but of course, back ot wife #1 - maybe this is the 50th time he's done this . . . maybe it's the first.

There's always more to it.

Thousands, maybe millions of spouses stay with the addict/alcoholic/faithless etc. etc. for various reasons, not the least of which is economic. Many protect him (occasionally her) so the kids or other family or neighbors or the boss/coworkers won't know and thus protect their social standing or livelihood. This is more a self defense mechanism or at least it starts out that way. But addiction does almost invariably become a family disease. Everybody unconsciously adapts their own behavior to avoid provoking the addict or other co-dependents so that an unhealthy dynamic develops that becomes enabling of everybody else. Of course the addict knows this, at least on a subconscious level, and depends on such enabling to ensure that he can continue his addiction unobstructed.

The co-dependent is constantly attempting to control the situation. If she can just find the right mechanisms to change his behavior, to avoid triggering bad behavior, to encourage good behavior, she can fix it If she can just be prettier, or more loving, or less confrontational, or more confrontational, or arrange schedules differently, or provide incentives, he will respond as she wants. She often becomes as ill as he is. It is only when she breaks that cycle, understand that she is powerless over his addiction, and she no longer engages in the controlling, manipulative behavior that she can hope to break the psychological chains and get well herself. Once she does, she then does have a choice to live with him on her terms or to leave.

And when he can no longer depend on the enabling behavior of others so that he can continue his behavior, he will also be forced into making a choice. Continue in his destructive behavior or do what he has to do to break his addiction. He rarely makes the choice as long as those around him continue to enable him by attempting to control his behavior.

AlbqOwl said:

And when he can no longer depend on the enabling behavior of others so that he can continue his behavior, he will also be forced into making a choice. Continue in his destructive behavior or do what he has to do to break his addiction. He rarely makes the choice as long as those around him continue to enable him by attempting to control his behavior.

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In my experience, this rarely happens. All the members seem to need the dysfunction to one extent or another.

MaggieD said:

Scenerio: A man comes home drunk at 1:30 AM, leaves the car running in the street, driver door open, staggers up the front steps, falls down in the living room where he pukes and passes out. This happens frequently with this husband and father.

Wifey #1 who wants to help him: Does nothing except pack up the kids and stay overnight at her mom's or a friend. Husband wakes up in the morning in his own vomit. His car has been towed. The house is empty.

Wifey #2 addicted to enabling: Pulls the car into the driveway and shuts it off. Cleans up the mess in the living room. Rouses her husband, cleans him up, and gets him into bed.

I say Wifey #2 is addicted to enabling and has as much a problem as her husband.

You?

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Wifey #1 has probably seen this behavior from him far too many times and IMO is doing the right thing.
Wifey #2 is encouraging this behavior and he will continue to keep doing it as long as she keeps cleaning up after him.

Addicts (drugs or alcohol) will never clean up their act until they recognize they have a problem. You can't force them to want to recover until they are ready. Enabling them only allows for this type of behavior to continue. The best way to convey to them that they need to make a change is to stop helping them back up. Would she rather watch her husband die from his alcoholism or force him to face the consequences of choosing his alcoholism over his family?

lizzie said:

In my experience, this rarely happens. All the members seem to need the dysfunction to one extent or another.

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Just as the addict is unlikely to break his addiction until he chooses to do so and receives some help to do it, so the co-dependent is unlikely to even recognize her own part in it or how much she is also caught up in the dysfunctional behavior; i.e how 'sick' she also is until she also gets some help. One reason that so many relationships break up AFTER the addict gets sober is because he is getting well and is learning how to live with sobriety while she isn't. If his significant other does not also go through the process of regaining her sanity, she remains in the dysfunctional behavior and it feels wrong. It is no longer comfortable in the different environment. She always thought the problem was him and if he got well, she would be just fine.

Aunt Spiker said:

In the case of Wife #2 cleaning up messes that people leave and caring for people while they're not at their best might just be part of her 'job description' - does she want the car to get stolen just because he was drunk? Smell vomit all night because he was drunk?

I think it's "after that" which matters- what does she do the next day? Does she talk to him about it, tell him it's unacceptable? Encourage him to get help and go to AA, etc? Does she put her foot down if he brings home liquor?

When you're married sometimes just letting someone drown in their own crap isn't' possible because a marriage effects everyone.

And maybe Wife #1 has her own issues - is it always best to get up and leave someone after you've married? I don't believe it is unless you're in harm's way due to their actions. I wouldn't want my husband to have abandoned me in the middle of the night because I had some serious personal issues. . .but of course, back ot wife #1 - maybe this is the 50th time he's done this . . . maybe it's the first.

There's always more to it.

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This is how I see it. She is taking care of business. if she does not follow through then this is a problem like Aunty said.

My wife is a "busy bee". if she is not doing something it drives her and eventually us crazy. so you see her picking up and all that jazz all the time. I am not that way I am more of a step by step routine slugger type (for obvious reasons). So at first this drove me alittle nuts, but after 25 years I have gotten use to it. Kinda sorta.

Does this mean my wife is an enabler? Probably not IMHO. it just what she does. She is also the type that leads by example and doesn't like to preach. So its what you are not what you do in these type cases

Just because people march to different drummers or have different styles and processes in doing things does not make somebody dysfunctional. Such only becomes dysfunctional if something is really bothering one party and the other doesn't care and neither is willing to work out an acceptable compromise.

Addictions to alcohol or certain other chemical substances or certain behavior like gambling or obsession with sex, however, goes far beyond lifestyle choices. It not only becomes first and foremost in importance to the addict, but it results in manipulative and controlling behaviors that are highly destructive to normal relationships, it takes a physical control on the body that can sooner or later become deadly, it creates a psychosis in the addict (and the co-dependent) and in the case of some, including alcohol, can result in insanity before an inevitable earlier than necessary death. Because the process is sometimes so slow, it really does become a way of life for the addict and all who join the the artificial drama as it is being played out.