He loves me, he loves me not

[Good4Nothin]

I wrote about this guy before, but I have more thoughts about it now.

I am trying to figure out if there is any way I can tell if a guy likes me. I don't mean, necessarily, intense romantic love or infatuation. Just liking, caring about, valuing the friendship.

Of course, people are all different. Some are lovey-dovey and hug and kiss everyone they meet. You think they adore you, but the next time you see them they forgot who you are. Others are more reserved -- they could genuinely like you a lot, but they're kind of shy and/or afraid of being rejected.

A guy I know started a sexual relationship with me about 2 months ago. Never went on a date, just straight to bed. We have done that about once a week since then. After the first time, I fell wacky in love with him. Not sure why, I just think he is the perfect man.

Although he started the whole thing, by texting, since then he never starts any conversations, never initiates us getting together. If I text him, if he is not working, he wants to get together. He is extremely passionate in bed, seems to be extremely attracted to me. Don't know if he really feels that way, or if it's just how he acts when having sex.

He had told me in the beginning he does not want a serious romantic relationship. He recently got out of one and now he wants to chill. That is ok with me, I am really ok with a casual sexual friendship. But I want to know if he really likes me, if he likes being with me, if I am his only sex partner.

I never tell him I love him. But I say a lot of nice things, so he must know I like him a lot.

We have a lot in common, a lot we can talk about. I think we could do other things together, but he works all the time. I know that is true, not an excuse.

Does it seem strange that I have to start every conversation? That he doesn't send me nice texts saying he misses me or anything? That could just be the way he is.

I am perfectly ok with just going on the way it is. The trouble is I am always so worried that maybe he doesn't like me enough. I LOVE him, but all I am hoping for is that he really likes and cares about me. I want to figure that out, but I can't.

Why am I so willing to accept less than a serious romance and being together frequently? Because I am busy also, and I like having a distant relationship, with sex at least once a week. I am fine with that. I am just worried that he could lose interest in me, I don't know how strong his feelings for me might be. I thought about seeing a psychic but don't feel like wasting money.

 

[Slartibartfast]

Decide what where you want this to go. Make sure you are certain once you make that decision. Let him know your intentions. See how it works out.

My impression though, you are being used and run the risk of being hurt due to a lack of boundaries.

 

[watsup]

Where is Ann Landers when you really need her?

 

[Good4Nothin]

Decide what where you want this to go. Make sure you are certain once you make that decision. Let him know your intentions. See how it works out.

My impression though, you are being used and run the risk of being hurt due to a lack of boundaries.

He might be just using me for sex, but I don't care just as long as he continues using me for sex. I am happy with it the way it is. Maybe eventually we could do something outside of bed, but I don't feel urgently about that.

I am trying to figure out if he feels at least close friendship with me. A lot of the distance is caused by him working all the time. This I know is true because I used to be going with one of his friends, who told me a lot about him. Yes, he works all the time.

 

[Good4Nothin]

Where is Ann Landers when you really need her?

Ann Landers wouldn't have helped me much with this. She would give the old fashioned reply that we shouldn't have sex out of marriage, blah blah blah.

I am trying to think outside the usual boxes with this. I want a long term atypical relationship with him. I would honestly be happy with just that. I am 70 years old, by the way, and I feel lucky to be still capable of great sex. He is younger.

Oh, and I never had sex anywhere near this good in my life before. Crazy, I know!

 

[samiam5211]

It seems like this is more of a bootycall situation to him than it is to you.

The longer it goes on without him being made aware of this, the worse it will be for you.

 

[Loulit01]

Have you tried asking him?

 

[Good4Nothin]

It seems like this is more of a bootycall situation to him than it is to you.

The longer it goes on without him being made aware of this, the worse it will be for you.

I tried to explain that I am ok with that, as long as it goes on long term. My fear is maybe he just wanted something very temporary. I am not saying that is the case, it is just my fear.

 

[Good4Nothin]

Have you tried asking him?

No, because I don't know how to phrase it so it doesn't sound like I am pressuring him. He told me at the beginning he wants to chill, no stress, no conflict.

 

[Blue Dog]

Speaking as a man I always knew i wanted to be with someone if I was into snuggling afterward.

Granted, part of it was resting for round 2, but it does speak volumes.

Not sure if this helps but its a perspective.

 

[samiam5211]

I tried to explain that I am ok with that, as long as it goes on long term. My fear is maybe he just wanted something very temporary. I am not saying that is the case, it is just my fear.

You said in the OP that you love him.

Are you sure you are ok with a long term booty call situation? Maybe you are just telling yourself that because you are afraid it's booty call or nothing, and are afraid of nothing.

 

[Loulit01]

No, because I don't know how to phrase it so it doesn't sound like I am pressuring him. He told me at the beginning he wants to chill, no stress, no conflict.

Oh, the problem is you're being cowardly. That's why you're living in fear and unease about your relationship.

 

[Good4Nothin]

Speaking as a man I always knew i wanted to be with someone if I was into snuggling afterward.

Granted, part of it was resting for round 2, but it does speak volumes.

Not sure if this helps but its a perspective.

Thanks. Yeah, we snuggle before and after, and we talk. Not for a long time, because either he has to work or he's tired and wants to sleep. But we do talk, and we have things in common to talk about, and have friends in common.

Oh by the way, he does not want his friend (that I was going with previously) to know about this. So that could be one reason we have not gone out in public. That's ok with me tho, and I understand him not wanting to hurt his friend.

 

[Good4Nothin]

Oh, the problem is you're being cowardly. That's why you're living in fear and unease about your relationship.

View attachment 67434164

Yes I am being very cowardly. So scared of making a mistake. I feel like this is my chance in a lifetime to really feel connected with a man. I never realized that my previous relationships were missing something important.

 

[grip]

I wrote about this guy before, but I have more thoughts about it now.

I am trying to figure out if there is any way I can tell if a guy likes me. I don't mean, necessarily, intense romantic love or infatuation. Just liking, caring about, valuing the friendship.

Of course, people are all different. Some are lovey-dovey and hug and kiss everyone they meet. You think they adore you, but the next time you see them they forgot who you are. Others are more reserved -- they could genuinely like you a lot, but they're kind of shy and/or afraid of being rejected.

A guy I know started a sexual relationship with me about 2 months ago. Never went on a date, just straight to bed. We have done that about once a week since then. After the first time, I fell wacky in love with him. Not sure why, I just think he is the perfect man.

Although he started the whole thing, by texting, since then he never starts any conversations, never initiates us getting together. If I text him, if he is not working, he wants to get together. He is extremely passionate in bed, seems to be extremely attracted to me. Don't know if he really feels that way, or if it's just how he acts when having sex.

He had told me in the beginning he does not want a serious romantic relationship. He recently got out of one and now he wants to chill. That is ok with me, I am really ok with a casual sexual friendship. But I want to know if he really likes me, if he likes being with me, if I am his only sex partner.

I never tell him I love him. But I say a lot of nice things, so he must know I like him a lot.

We have a lot in common, a lot we can talk about. I think we could do other things together, but he works all the time. I know that is true, not an excuse.

Does it seem strange that I have to start every conversation? That he doesn't send me nice texts saying he misses me or anything? That could just be the way he is.

I am perfectly ok with just going on the way it is. The trouble is I am always so worried that maybe he doesn't like me enough. I LOVE him, but all I am hoping for is that he really likes and cares about me. I want to figure that out, but I can't.

Why am I so willing to accept less than a serious romance and being together frequently? Because I am busy also, and I like having a distant relationship, with sex at least once a week. I am fine with that. I am just worried that he could lose interest in me, I don't know how strong his feelings for me might be. I thought about seeing a psychic but don't feel like wasting money.

Everybody is different in how they view relationships. And you may never get a good read on how he actually feels. He seems to be emotionally detached a bit.

The passion will most likely diminish somewhat eventually, then you'll know if you've developed a deeper connection with any commitment.

All you can do for now is take it one week at a time unless you want to see if he's up for a date, like dinner and a movie.

 

[Good4Nothin]

Everybody is different in how they view relationships. And you may never get a good read on how he actually feels. He seems to be emotionally detached a bit.

The passion will most likely diminish somewhat eventually, then you'll know if you've developed a deeper connection with any commitment.

All you can do for now is take it one week at a time unless you want to see if he's up for a date, like dinner and a movie.

Thanks. I think I would wait and see if we are still together after about 6 months. Then maybe I would get up courage to ask him out. For now, I think I would just go with whatever he wants and has time for. He doesn't have time for much.

 

[Queen Margo]

How about wait him out and see if he ever calls or texts you again. If not, you have your answer.
If I were him, I would think you are someone kinda desperate, and not look for long term.

 

[Good4Nothin]

How about wait him out and see if he ever calls or texts you again. If not, you have your answer.
If I were him, I would think you are someone kinda desperate, and not look for long term.

I was going to do that. But then I thought why would he immediately answer my texts if he is not interested in me. I don't know why he won't start things. He specifically told me I should be the one to text him. And each time I did he was thinking about me and wanted to see me.

 

[Good4Nothin]

Also -- I was worried that he might have other women. But then I realized he invites me over to his place and is never worried about other women coming by unexpectedly. So I think I have to be the only one, at least for now.

But of course we have no commitment so he could meet someone else at any time. But that would also be true even with a commitment.

I am hoping he feels some kind of attachment with me, that would prevent him wanting someone else.

 

[Argent]

Your OP is full of contradictions and imo you are in a toxic, emotionally unhealthy relationship. You already need more than he said he wants to give; you are fearful of the relationship ending and are walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. There is little for you to gain other than heartache from loving someone who doesn't reciprocate. You will always hope for more and settle for less.

 

[Good4Nothin]

Your OP is full of contradictions and imo you are in a toxic, emotionally unhealthy relationship. You already need more than he said he wants to give; you are fearful of the relationship ending and are walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. There is little for you to gain other than heartache from loving someone who doesn't reciprocate. You will always hope for more and settle for less.

I won't hope for more. I just want to know if he feels enough for me to not want any other women. He says he can never fall in love because of a bad experience with a woman in the past. So supposedly he won't leave me for someone he falls in love with. But he could find someone he is more attracted to. But that is the risk in any intimate relationship.

I understand that what I have described does not sound healthy. And it would not be healthy for a woman who wants to be married or at least together a lot. I don't want that. I want distance and great sex, and friendship.

 

[Slartibartfast]

Your OP is full of contradictions and imo you are in a toxic, emotionally unhealthy relationship. You already need more than he said he wants to give; you are fearful of the relationship ending and are walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. There is little for you to gain other than heartache from loving someone who doesn't reciprocate. You will always hope for more and settle for less.

Said it better than me. I just said “lack of boundaries”

 

[Slartibartfast]

I tried to explain that I am ok with that, as long as it goes on long term. My fear is maybe he just wanted something very temporary. I am not saying that is the case, it is just my fear.

I asked my wife about this situation and she says “he’s not that into you, you are simply convenient”. She empathizes, having lived through similar experiences before she learned how this works.

If he is not reaching out, he’s not into you.

At least that is her perspective.

 

[Good4Nothin]

Said it better than me. I just said “lack of boundaries”

We have good boundaries. We give each other the space we both need. I am happy with the distance. The only thing I am not happy with is not knowing if this is likely to last.

It seems very possible to me that there is a mutual attachment. I went kind of nuts in letting myself fall crazy in love right away. I guess it was because I never had good sex before. I never had the chance to have good sex with a man who I was very attracted to before.

So this could be just mutual attraction, and that would be fine with me. I could be more relaxed and not so scared if I could figure out how he feels.

 

[Good4Nothin]

I asked my wife about this situation and she says “he’s not that into you, you are simply convenient”

Then why did he make so much effort to get me in bed in the first place. I resisted it, and he had to keep on trying and trying.