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Co-worker he/they

alabamamember

alabamamember

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Location
Alabama
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Libertarian - Right
I have a co-worker that appears to be a healthy happy above normal young lady. This co-worker wears a badge that says “he/they”.

How can I use these pronouns in a sentence when talking to this co-worker so that this co-worker feels validated?

The only way I could use these pronouns is when talking about this co-worker. Which talking about other people is usually a negative thing but even if it were positive this co-worker would never hear me use these pronouns. Any help understanding this new cultural trend would be appreciated. Personally I don’t have a problem being accommodating to this person but I have a hard time understanding what it would look like in the form of a sentence addressed to this co-worker.
 
“Name contributed X to the project. They completed ABC segments. Their effort was appreciated”

“Name brought cookies to the office. That was really nice of them”

“Name was absent on Tuesday, not sure where they were”

It’s really not difficult to use either a name or the “they” neutral pronoun 🤷‍♀️

To claim or pretend this is a burden is disingenuous at best.
 
alabamamember said:
I agree. That doesn’t incorporate the preferred pronouns.
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Not every sentence requires pronouns. You haven't had to use mine yet have you? I'm they/them here. Doesn't mean I expect people to use them in every sentence.
 
alabamamember said:
I have a co-worker that appears to be a healthy happy above normal young lady. This co-worker wears a badge that says “he/they”.

How can I use these pronouns in a sentence when talking to this co-worker so that this co-worker feels validated?

The only way I could use these pronouns is when talking about this co-worker. Which talking about other people is usually a negative thing but even if it were positive this co-worker would never hear me use these pronouns. Any help understanding this new cultural trend would be appreciated. Personally I don’t have a problem being accommodating to this person but I have a hard time understanding what it would look like in the form of a sentence addressed to this co-worker.
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It's either/or. It can be they/them or he/him.
 
Napoleon said:
You don’t have an obligation to make anyone “feel validated.”
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You absolutely do.

Does the idea of a creating hostile workplace mean anything to you or your continued employment?

Harassment is unwelcome conduct that is based on race, color, religion, sex (including sexual orientation, gender identity, or pregnancy), national origin, older age (beginning at age 40), disability, or genetic information (including family medical history). Harassment becomes unlawful where 1) enduring the offensive conduct becomes a condition of continued employment, or 2) the conduct is severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive. Anti-discrimination laws also prohibit harassment against individuals in retaliation for filing a discrimination charge, testifying, or participating in any way in an investigation, proceeding, or lawsuit under these laws; or opposing employment practices that they reasonably believe discriminate against individuals, in violation of these laws.
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Harassment

Harassment
www.eeoc.gov www.eeoc.gov
 
BirdinHand said:
It’s really not difficult to use either a name or the “they” neutral pronoun 🤷‍♀️

To claim or pretend this is a burden is disingenuous at best.
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That's not what @alabamamember is trying to say I think. I think he is trying to ask for ways to you their pronouns when directly addressing them so they know he supports them?
alabamamember said:
How can I use these pronouns in a sentence when talking to this co-worker so that this co-worker feels validated?

The only way I could use these pronouns is when talking about this co-worker. Which talking about other people is usually a negative thing but even if it were positive this co-worker would never hear me use these pronouns.
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And to answer your question, you can use someone's pronouns when talking to them by telling them about what you said to someone else about them.

For example, "I was talking to X about your work. I told X "I really loved what he/they did with those slides"".

Or something like, "there he is! How's it going?"

Am I understanding what you wanted help with?
 
Nomad4Ever said:
That's not what @alabamamember is trying to say I think. I think he is trying to ask for ways to you their pronouns when directly addressing them so they know he supports them?


And to answer your question, you can use someone's pronouns when talking to them by telling them about what you said to someone else about them.

For example, "I was talking to X about your work. I told X "I really loved what he/they did with those slides"".

Or something like, "there he is! How's it going?"

Am I understanding what you wanted help with?
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When addressing someone, “you” would be the appropriate first person pronoun - not a 3rd person he/they. Would it not?
 
BirdinHand said:
“Name contributed X to the project. They completed ABC segments. Their effort was appreciated”

“Name brought cookies to the office. That was really nice of them”

“Name was absent on Tuesday, not sure where they were”

It’s really not difficult to use either a name or the “they” neutral pronoun 🤷‍♀️

To claim or pretend this is a burden is disingenuous at best.
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Those all sound correct but none of the examples you listed would be heard by this coworker.
 
BirdinHand said:
They is a neutral pronoun that can be used singularly.

It is not an either/or situation.
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That's how I understand it. Example: "hi, my name is X and my pronouns are he/them. So I can either go by they/them or he/him. Whichever you prefer."
 
BirdinHand said:
When addressing someone, “you” would be the appropriate first person pronoun - not a 3rd person he/they. Would it not?
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Yes, but that's the issue. He's trying to figure out how to incorporate a 3rd person pronoun into a discussion with this co-worker.

BirdinHand said:
Respect is shown most when the person isn’t in the room and you don’t get credit for it.
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I have no way of knowing, but the impression I got is he wanted to find a way of using their preferred pronouns when they can hear as a way of letting them know he supports them. He said he has the appearance of a young lady so going out of his way to use he/they pronouns in front of them would just be a way of subtly letting him know that he doesn't hate them for being trans, which is hardly a given in the current political environment.
 
BirdinHand said:
Respect is shown most when the person isn’t in the room and you don’t get credit for it.
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I went on YouTube to find information about this. There was like 50 videos bashing this culture trend. When I finally found one the speaker was saying when they hear their preferred pronouns it makes them feel like they are respected and listened to. I’m just trying to do a favor. That’s all but if it don’t work out then I guess it isn’t the worst thing that could happen to me.
 
mrjurrs said:
If you're an asshole.
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He is half right though. In the workplace more than likely you do have an obligation. You sign a lot of paperwork that most people never read. There is probably a piece of paper addressing this issue.

Outside of the workplace though most people don’t sign agreements like that. Asshole or not, he is somewhat right.
 
Napoleon said:
You don’t have an obligation to make anyone “feel validated.”
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You don't have an obligation to call anyone by their name either instead of a stupid nickname you made up. But I bet you'd get real tired real quick if everyone called you "little baby girl" instead of your name.
 
alabamamember said:
You get an A+. This is the best example I have heard so far. I can totally use that as a greeting.
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Nice. Glad I could help. But the most important thing is to treat him normally and try not to be weird about it.
 
alabamamember said:
Those all sound correct but none of the examples you listed would be heard by this coworker.
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Coworker is getting into a discussion with another person. The other person accuses the coworker of something, say "you just said there was no toilet paper in the whole bathroom". Coworker didn't say that, but rather just said "I couldn't find toilet paper in the stall". You stand up for coworker in that conversation "They didn't say that. They said they couldn't find toilet paper in the stall.". This type of conversation, which does happen at least in a similar way where you could be talking about someone while they are listening, using their pronouns in front of them, fairly regularly, shows at least one way that a person may hear you using their preferred pronouns.

However, it doesn't matter if they can hear you or not. It would still be wrong to use what you know to be the wrong pronouns in times when they wouldn't hear them, may not hear about them. I try to correct my mother or father when they use my sister's wrong pronouns, even when on the phone with just them. Your coworker may not be the only person to see it as rude to call them by the wrong pronouns and then could even try to correct you or report back to the coworker that you obviously do not respect their wishes.

I have another (cisgender) sister who has a first name that is more often used for men/boys. There are feminine forms of her name, but her legal name is the masculine version. If people were to then start making fun of her by referring to her by "he/him" when she wasn't around merely because they said "well he has a man's name", would that be okay to do? Should that be allowed even if just when she isn't around? Would you be okay with that if it was your sister or friend or just coworker?
 
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