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Cheating

kamino said:
Well, I have been in an affair for the past year. Understand, I love my wife, I have no ill feelings for her and I try to treat her as well as I can and spend as much quality time with her as I can. My affair is purely a physical one with no emotional attachments.

How did it all start? LOL, there really is no way to say this without sounding like I am trying to put the blame on others, but I'm not I know it was my choice. So here goes.

When I was younger (High School) I never had a girlfriend, much less had sex. And anytime I showed interest in the cute girls I was always told that she was way out of my league. So after a few years of this I lowered my standards, sleeping with women that were only OK, not really HOT or some one that I was extremely attracted to.

Anyways, eventually I met my wife. She is a wonderful wife; we have had 2 children together and are madly in love, our relationship is great in all areas except our sex life. This may sound bad, but I am just not sexually attracted to her. For the first few years I was depressed, while her company was nice, a person can get only so far without what is needed (i.e. good sex) So I made a conscience decision to find some one else for some action on the side. I eventually found a woman that I was incredibly sexually attracted to and was to me. We have no emotional attachment, and we meet only a few times a month.

In my heart I have this feeling that my wife may know as she has asked me several times and has seen the change in my personality i.e. being more upbeat and what have you. While it has improved our relationship and we have been even happier now then ever before I still don't tell her. Wile I do feel guilty about it, I think it would be incredibly selfish of myself to tell her to make myself feel better and risk upsetting her and messing up our children’s life. So I keep it a secret, keeping the guilt to myself and I will take this secret with me to the grave.
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You should have never married someone you didn't find sexually attractive, which I am sure you are now painfully aware of. I don't know if you ever were or not but if you were at one time, try and get that spark back. You messed up, but now you are making her pay for it by being deceitful. This is your life and I cannot tell you how to live it but you are not going to be happy living this way with the guilt forever yet you are not going to be happy being married to a wife you don't desire. It's a tricky situation and one you are going to have to seriously think about and set some priorities. I mean if you are so concerned about messing up your life with your wife and childen if you confess, that means you feel bad about it because you know it would hurt them. And the longer you keep the affair up, the harder it will be to keep it from your family.

Just curious, but have you really, like really, tried to make your wife more sexual to you? If so, what have you done and what went wrong that it didn't work?
 
kamino said:
Well if I found out I would not be too sad, secondly if I did not know, fine keep it that way, I don't want to. It is better to live as a blissful idiot then an intelligent scrooge.

Let’s say I did things your way. One of three things will happen; I know because this is how I was before. 1) I could stop and live the rest of my life depressed, 2)I would stop and eventually get a divorce 3)possibly suicide. All 3 lead to hurting my family. Would you rather I sacrifice the happiness of my family in the name of your self righteousness?
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Have you considered asking your wife if she would be okay with seeking physical enjoyment outside of the marriage?
 
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kamino said:
Well if I found out I would not be too sad, secondly if I did not know, fine keep it that way, I don't want to. It is better to live as a blissful idiot then an intelligent scrooge.

Let’s say I did things your way. One of three things will happen; I know because this is how I was before. 1) I could stop and live the rest of my life depressed, 2)I would stop and eventually get a divorce 3)possibly suicide. All 3 lead to hurting my family. Would you rather I sacrifice the happiness of my family in the name of your self righteousness?
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You'd better hope your wife doesn't check your internet history, find out you've been coming here, and read your posts.
That could happen, you know.

I wonder how she'd feel about you announcing to the world at large that if you stop your affair, you'll probably end up committing suicide?
 
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kamino said:
Well if I found out I would not be too sad, secondly if I did not know, fine keep it that way, I don't want to. It is better to live as a blissful idiot then an intelligent scrooge.

Let’s say I did things your way. One of three things will happen; I know because this is how I was before. 1) I could stop and live the rest of my life depressed, 2)I would stop and eventually get a divorce 3)possibly suicide. All 3 lead to hurting my family. Would you rather I sacrifice the happiness of my family in the name of your self righteousness?
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No. the one thing you are doing is hurting your family. But thank you for the insight of how you justify your actions. I have always wondered how people were able to live with themselves while doing things like this. If it is so bad to the point you'd kill yourself, you need help. Badly. Not only that, but then your marriage is not meant to be. Let her find someone who loves her, respects her, and hell, finds her sexually attractive. Your family would rather live in the truth, than in a lie. I'd make a bet on that. You are only thinking about you, and how your family would VIEW YOU if they found out. Your actions--and lack of actions--are for you only. They are not for your family or your wife. You sacrirficed the happiness of your family the moment you were unfaithful.
 
How do you think your wife would take it if she found out?

Also, how would you take it if you found out your wife was doing the same thing and confessed that really the children aren't yours?
 
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I personally believe there should be laws with severe consequenses for anyone committing adultery.

If you feel the need to cheat you should have the dignity to formally end the relationship you/they made the mistake of building in the first place.

Family breakups are so distructive to the values of the children and in the long run the overall direction our society is heading. For this reason anyone who marries should try everything within reason to keep the family together.

Come to think of it maybe there should be a hefty divorce tax or penalty to help cover some of the destructive consequenses our society faces as a whole in terms of pushing children in a negative direction etc.

It appears nowadays when you get bored of your spouse simply trade them in for a new one every five years.

On top of all this it may be because of these values so many middle eastern people are unreceptive to taking any advice on change from us!:(
 
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creativedreams said:
I personally believe there should be laws with severe consequenses for anyone comitting adultery.

If you feel the need to cheat you should have the dignity to formally end the relationship you/they made the mistake of building in the first place.

Family breakups are so distructive to the values of the children and in the long run the overall direction our society is heading. For this reason anyone who marries should try everything within reason to keep the family together.

Come to think of it maybe there should be a hefty divorce tax or penalty to help cover some of the destructive consequenses our society faces as a whole in terms of pushing children in a negative direction etc.

It appears nowadays when you get bored of your spouse simply trade them in for a new one every five years.

On top of all this it may be because of these values so many middle eastern people are unreceptive to taking any advice on change from us!:(
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How are we going to "severely" punish half of the adults in our country?
 
komyr. There is nothing wrong with the involvement of non parental adults in a childs life in my opinion. Its worth being careful about, I agree. And it is no substitute for close and ongoing guidance from adults of its comunity who truley care for it, and who can guide it throughout its life (revolving teachers etc is no substitute for lifetime roll models). But I also believe daycare, public school and many other activities outside the home give a child the oppertunity to practice being the person that he is learning to be at home, in public. It is one thing to spend your time with you mother or father at home, and learn how to be a person with their ever guiding hand. Quite another to take these lessons out on your own 2 into the real world to apply them for yourself, without a guiding hand.

And im not saying schools and daycare are the only place to do this. But I think when done right they can have serious positive consequences
 
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