(CNN)Many vaccinated people are angry at those who aren't. If you've had your Covid shots, you may agree with Gov. Kay Ivey of Alabama,
who said recently: "Folks supposed to have common sense, but it's time to start blaming the unvaccinated folks, not the regular folks. It's the unvaccinated folks that are letting us down.
And it's not just the masses who are letting us down but people close to us: our coworkers, friends, family members. You may be furious at what you see as the selfishness and ignorance and lack of civic responsibility in the people in your life who refuse to get the jab.
And you're not alone -- social media is rife with posts that attempt to convince people to get vaccinated by explaining how wrongheaded they are. It's human nature. You might be doing the same kind of browbeating yourself.
But here's a question: How's that strategy working for you? After you lay into the anti-vaxxers and the vaccine-hesitant, are they thanking you for setting them straight and rushing to make appointments?
Our guess is, that's not what's happening.
Instead, those conversations get heated, things get said that can't be unsaid and you both leave feeling angry, frustrated and resentful. In the moment, it can feel good to indulge our emotions and let them have it. But the cost is high: We damage the relationship and they don't get vaccinated. Even when we present them with clear, seemingly convincing facts.
There's a well-documented phenomenon in psychology called the "backfire effect." Giving people facts disproving their incorrect beliefs can actually reinforce those beliefs. Researchers have observed this phenomenon in the context of
political misconceptions,
voting preferences, the
decision to vaccinate one's children and whether to
get a flu vaccine oneself. The more people are confronted with facts at odds with their opinions, the stronger they cling to those opinions.
And if arguing with facts backfires, you know what backfires even more? Criticizing, blaming and shaming them for being thoughtless, selfish, stupid, ignorant or psychopathic. You can check this yourself: When was the last time you changed your behavior in response to someone blaming or shaming you?
We want to say that we feel your pain. We're both vaccinated. We're disappointed that the Delta variant, combined with widespread vaccine hesitancy, is prolonging the pandemic and necessitating continued mask mandates and lockdowns to control its spread. And we're mortified at the resulting unnecessary suffering and loss of life. We're angry too
Our approach hinges on your willingness to give up control; to acknowledge that the person you're trying to change has autonomy and will make their own decision. Of course, what you're giving up isn't control; it's the illusion of control. The person you're talking to is always free to get vaccinated -- or not. You don't get to choose for them. That's why you're trying so hard to convince them.
So when we can't persuade with facts or criticism, what can we lead with instead?
Two things: empathy and curiosity.
www.cnn.com
