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Pete McMartin: Why the U.S. should be Canada's 11th province
Donald Trump joked about Canada becoming the 51st state during his dinner with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at Mar-a-Lago last month.
Sixteen reasons why the U.S. should become Canada’s 11th province:
• Because Canada isn’t led by a convicted felon.
• Because the only thing in maple syrup is maple syrup, as opposed to high-fructose corn syrup, water, cellulose gum, salt, caramel colour, sorbic acid, sodium benzoate, sodium citrate and artificial flavours, which Americans call “pancake syrup” — although in a pinch it can be used as transmission fluid.
• Because the scandal-ridden U.S. Supreme Court has members on it who appear to be uniquely unqualified to judge conflicts-of-interest, women’s rights or ethical conduct. According to most recent polls, the court’s reputation has sunk to historical lows, with a majority of Americans unhappy with its performance. Meanwhile, the only thing scandalous about Canada’s Supreme Court is … wait, what? Canada has a Supreme Court?
• Because Saturday Night Live has never been, or ever will be, as funny as SCTV or Kids In The Hall.
• Because as of 2022, life expectancy in Canada was 81.3 years, while life expectancy in the U.S. was 77.43 years. Scientists believe this discrepancy was due, in large part, to the consumption of pancake syrup.
• According to the U.S. non-profit Prison Policy Initiative, the U.S. has the highest incarceration rate of any democracy in the world. In fact, every single U.S. state incarcerates more people per capita than all but 28 other nations on earth. Louisiana has the highest rate of incarceration at 1,067 inmates per 100,000 population, while Massachusetts has the lowest rate at 241 inmates per 100,000 population. Canada’s is 88 inmates per 100,000 population.
• Because while thousands of Canadians were dying on the battlefields of Europe and Asia during the Second World War, the U.S. remained neutral for the next two years, unable or unwilling to recognize the threat that fascists posed to the world. Apparently, Americans are still unable to recognize that threat, especially the one at home.
• Because the United States has transformed the longest undefended border in the world into a bullshit political talking point in which trade, transgressions and blame flow only one way. If President-elect Donald Trump is upset by fentanyl going southward — despite the fact that the amount of fentanyl going into the U.S. from Canada is so small his own U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration characterizes it as “slippage” — why does he not show the same concerns for illegal firearms going northward? If, as he sees it, a trade imbalance exists in Canada’s favour, why is he resorting to inflationary tariffs on Canadian goods rather than recognizing and addressing the real reason for that trade imbalance — namely his constituents’ insatiable appetites and need for Canadian oil, gas, electrical power, automobiles, rare minerals, gold, lumber, etc.?
He gets wordy and laborious after this, but the maple syrup reason rules!!!!!