"The road not taken." We can't know what is riding on the outcome of a first encounter.

[post]

This video has attracted a record setting 3.4 billion views and has become my present day "theme song" after suddenly realizing less than two years ago that I may have met "the one" 50 years before and "let her go" during our second meeting. I had repressed the memory of the squandered opportunity for 50 years.
Out of the blue, something she did recently awakened my memory of what had happened so long ago and caused me to "visit" for the first time what had happened.



Ten minutes long award winning indie film, a birds-eye-view into a contemporary first encounter that could just as easily have been unremarkable, as not.
What makes the difference?

Background :

Case Study: The making of "A Glimpse" by Tom Tuner

Tom Turner is a writer, director, and producer. He is the co-writer and director for A Glimpse

www.indieactivity.com

...Writer: Sam Berrill & Tom Turner (story by Tom Turner)
"The idea and the story came to me fairly quickly when I was thinking about people I met who turned out to be significant in my personal life many years later, but when I thought back to how we met, how we got on etc there was no way to know how vital these people would be. Whether it was long lasting friendships or meeting my partner, I kept on thinking about how oddly coincidental these meetings were despite having such an important future impact on me..."

The Road Not Taken - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

"Frost spent the years 1912 to 1915 in England, where among his acquaintances was the writer Edward Thomas.[2] Thomas and Frost became close friends and took many walks together. One day, as they were walking together, they came across two roads. Thomas was indecisive about which road to take, and in retrospect often lamented that they should have taken the other one. After Frost returned to New Hampshire in 1915, he sent Thomas an advance copy of "The Road Not Taken". Thomas took the poem seriously and personally, and it may have been significant in his decision to enlist in World War I. Thomas was killed two years later in the Battle of Arras ."

Why Robert Frost Didn't Get to Read the Poem He Wrote for John F. Kennedy's Inauguration

Unable to recite his new work on a blindingly bright day, the poet improvised to deliver a memorable moment for the incoming president.

www.biography.com

Lyndon B. Johnson assisting Robert Frost during the inaugural ceremony for John F. Kennedy

 

[BirdinHand]

The old saying “comparison is the thief of joy” goes a bit deeper than just comparison.

“What ifs” are also the thief of joy. Wondering about the road not taken, wondering if you had done X instead of Y…the slap on the back of the head we give to ourselves when we realize we skipped or didn’t think about one tiny step…and “pow”, the tiny step literally causes things to blow up/go sideways.


You don’t enjoy the path you are on fully when you spend your time wondering about the path not taken.

Focus on the path you are on - who knows what beauty lies ahead.

 

[AmNat]

This video has attracted a record setting 3.4 billion views and has become my present day "theme song" after suddenly realizing less than two years ago that I may have met "the one" 50 years before and "let her go" during our second meeting. I had repressed the memory of the squandered opportunity for 50 years.
Out of the blue, something she did recently awakened my memory of what had happened so long ago and caused me to "visit" for the first time what had happened.



Ten minutes long award winning indie film, a birds-eye-view into a contemporary first encounter that could just as easily have been unremarkable, as not.
What makes the difference?

Background :

Case Study: The making of "A Glimpse" by Tom Tuner

Tom Turner is a writer, director, and producer. He is the co-writer and director for A Glimpse

www.indieactivity.com

...Writer: Sam Berrill & Tom Turner (story by Tom Turner)
"The idea and the story came to me fairly quickly when I was thinking about people I met who turned out to be significant in my personal life many years later, but when I thought back to how we met, how we got on etc there was no way to know how vital these people would be. Whether it was long lasting friendships or meeting my partner, I kept on thinking about how oddly coincidental these meetings were despite having such an important future impact on me..."

The Road Not Taken - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

"Frost spent the years 1912 to 1915 in England, where among his acquaintances was the writer Edward Thomas.[2] Thomas and Frost became close friends and took many walks together. One day, as they were walking together, they came across two roads. Thomas was indecisive about which road to take, and in retrospect often lamented that they should have taken the other one. After Frost returned to New Hampshire in 1915, he sent Thomas an advance copy of "The Road Not Taken". Thomas took the poem seriously and personally, and it may have been significant in his decision to enlist in World War I. Thomas was killed two years later in the Battle of Arras ."

Why Robert Frost Didn't Get to Read the Poem He Wrote for John F. Kennedy's Inauguration

Unable to recite his new work on a blindingly bright day, the poet improvised to deliver a memorable moment for the incoming president.

www.biography.com

Lyndon B. Johnson assisting Robert Frost during the inaugural ceremony for John F. Kennedy

Aren't you and this woman both already married? You need to stop thinking about her.

 

[post]

Aren't you and this woman both already married? You need to stop thinking about her.

I am asking you this in a non-confrontational spirit. Who are you to judge me on such incomplete information?

Some couples reach a consensus in advance on how, in the event one becomes a dependent of care of the other instead of primarily marital partners,
how both of their needs will be met, incentivized by the requirement of conserving the caregiving spouse. We did not enjoy that opportunity because we suddenly found ourselves in our present roles just a few months after marrying. That was 22 years ago. Seven years ago I enjoyed a three day respite spent driving, alone a 1,400 mile round trip to take carry of some family business in an out-of-state court proceeding.

Should It Be OK to Have an Affair When Your Partner Is Seriously Ill?

Taking care of someone else's needs can mean ignoring your own.

www.psychologytoday.com

"..
Another possibility is discussing the issue with the ill spouse in the hope of getting his consent. In this case, the third person may even help take care of the ill spouse. This scenario can be problematic for two reasons: It is hard to know in advance whether the consent will be given, and even if it is, the ill partner may still have strong negative emotions about the issue.

Concluding remarks​

“To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors.” —Tia Walker

There is no one right way of coping with the dilemma of captive caregivers. There are different benign ways of doing so, and there are ways that are certainly more harmful than others. Ignoring the dilemma is unfair to the caregivers; coping with the complex situation may require some revision in our romantic norms—mainly, in the direction of relaxing some of them. Of course, other options are possible as well..."

What It Really Means to Love Yourself

We often hear that it is important to love ourselves. But what does this actually mean? Exploring ways to love and care for ourselves in a deeper way.

www.psychologytoday.com

"...
Being gentle with ourselves means being kind and friendly toward the feelings that arise within us. It is very human to feel sad, hurt, and afraid sometimes. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to become mindful of these feelings and allow a friendly space for them.

When clients notice difficult feelings, I may ask, “Is it okay to be with that feeling right now? Can you be with it in a gentle, caring way?” I might also help them find some distance from painful feelings so that they are not so overwhelming."

Until two years ago, I soldiered on through my spouse's multiple "health events," giving no thought to how I was "holding up," or what I needed.
There just wasn't room, given her emerging health complications, victories over current life threatening complications, and the deteriorating state
the cumulative effect of 20 years of chronic illness relegated her to.

The only thing that has changed is I had sudden cause two years ago to reconsider if a chance introduction, 900 miles from our present, mutual location, to a coed at our college over 50 years ago, followed by her taking the initiative to meet again a week later and ending intensely and emotionally then, or so I assumed, has any potential present relevance. Awareness that we've ended up 30 miles apart in the middle of nowhere compared to our last encounter, influenced me to reevaluate our original introduction. I've experienced no other of that intensity or instant familiarity. During our second meeting she acted like we were in an established, committed relationship of some length vs. the four hours we had
spent together on the evening of our introduction a week prior. I have the experience since of introduction and the stages of familiarity reaching the
point of asking three women to marry me and a fourth to share a long term, live-in relationship and none compare to the mutual, "struck by lightening" introduction that had stayed in the recesses of my memory until two years ago.

I identify with the actor in the indie film in the OP, both of us navigating around a present time "time travelers conundrum," ... recognition something extraordinary is supposed to happen between us and this person with whom we have literally "fallen into each other's lap," compared to every other
introduction or expectation of one. "Don't eff this up."

 

[AmNat]

I am asking you this in a non-confrontational spirit. Who are you to judge me on such incomplete information?

Some couples reach a consensus in advance on how, in the event one becomes a dependent of care of the other instead of primarily marital partners,
how both of their needs will be met, incentivized by the requirement of conserving the caregiving spouse. We did not enjoy that opportunity because we suddenly found ourselves in our present roles just a few months after marrying. That was 22 years ago. Seven years ago I enjoyed a three day respite spent driving, alone a 1,400 mile round trip to take carry of some family business in an out-of-state court proceeding.

Should It Be OK to Have an Affair When Your Partner Is Seriously Ill?

Taking care of someone else's needs can mean ignoring your own.

www.psychologytoday.com

"..
Another possibility is discussing the issue with the ill spouse in the hope of getting his consent. In this case, the third person may even help take care of the ill spouse. This scenario can be problematic for two reasons: It is hard to know in advance whether the consent will be given, and even if it is, the ill partner may still have strong negative emotions about the issue.

Concluding remarks​

“To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors.” —Tia Walker

There is no one right way of coping with the dilemma of captive caregivers. There are different benign ways of doing so, and there are ways that are certainly more harmful than others. Ignoring the dilemma is unfair to the caregivers; coping with the complex situation may require some revision in our romantic norms—mainly, in the direction of relaxing some of them. Of course, other options are possible as well..."

What It Really Means to Love Yourself

We often hear that it is important to love ourselves. But what does this actually mean? Exploring ways to love and care for ourselves in a deeper way.

www.psychologytoday.com

"...
Being gentle with ourselves means being kind and friendly toward the feelings that arise within us. It is very human to feel sad, hurt, and afraid sometimes. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to become mindful of these feelings and allow a friendly space for them.

When clients notice difficult feelings, I may ask, “Is it okay to be with that feeling right now? Can you be with it in a gentle, caring way?” I might also help them find some distance from painful feelings so that they are not so overwhelming."

Until two years ago, I soldiered on through my spouse's multiple "health events," giving no thought to how I was "holding up," or what I needed.
There just wasn't room, given her emerging health complications, victories over current life threatening complications, and the deteriorating state
the cumulative effect of 20 years of chronic illness relegated her to.

The only thing that has changed is I had sudden cause two years ago to reconsider if a chance introduction, 900 miles from our present, mutual location, to a coed at our college over 50 years ago, followed by her taking the initiative to meet again a week later and ending intensely and emotionally then, or so I assumed, has any potential present relevance. Awareness that we've ended up 30 miles apart in the middle of nowhere compared to our last encounter, influenced me to reevaluate our original introduction. I've experienced no other of that intensity or instant familiarity. During our second meeting she acted like we were in an established, committed relationship of some length vs. the four hours we had
spent together on the evening of our introduction a week prior. I have the experience since of introduction and the stages of familiarity reaching the
point of asking three women to marry me and a fourth to share a long term, live-in relationship and none compare to the mutual, "struck by lightening" introduction that had stayed in the recesses of my memory until two years ago.

I identify with the actor in the indie film in the OP, both of us navigating around a present time "time travelers conundrum," ... recognition something extraordinary is supposed to happen between us and this person with whom we have literally "fallen into each other's lap," compared to every other
introduction or expectation of one. "Don't eff this up."

Somewhere on the internet, arguments can be found justifying any type of behavior, no matter how obviously wrong.

You promised your wife (and this woman promised her husband) to be faithful "tell death do you part". It's unfortunate that your wife became disabled early in your marriage - but caring for a disabled spouse is one of the conditionals you agree to when you get married ("in sickness and in health"). That circumstances have made your marriage more difficult than most does not justify having an affair.

 

[post]

Somewhere on the internet, arguments can be found justifying any type of behavior, no matter how obviously wrong.

You promised your wife (and this woman promised her husband) to be faithful "tell death do you part". It's unfortunate that your wife became disabled early in your marriage - but caring for a disabled spouse is one of the conditionals you agree to when you get married ("in sickness and in health"). That circumstances have made your marriage more difficult than most does not justify having an affair.

Considering your beliefs my impression is you've gone as far as you are able to extend your understanding in reaction to my situation.
My interaction with this person has not been optional or in any sense against my will. After so long, it's taken some getting used to, to accept that it just is.

"Marriage" is a prison, then, if the circumstances I'm describing and the ones I have/am attempting are to be described as "having an affair".

50 years after I shared the most intense introduction with another person I had ever and would ever experience again, and long after I had nearly completely repressed the memory of the only two times I encountered her, the introductory meeting followed a week later by the unexpected and emotionally charged, goodbye encounter, I unexpectedly became aware of something that "brought it all back".

Fifteen years before, circa 2005, I became interested in genealogical research and discovered I had a skill for solving "brick walls"... impasses in family trees in which no information as to the parents of an ancestor could be found. The frequent searching I was doing
and the successful results of tearing down "brick walls" lead to "whatever happened to?" searches for memorable people of my past.

One of them was this person you are accusing me of engaging in an affair with. Fifteen years ago, her background was perhaps one of 25 I had searched and usually found contemporary results of. I have an exceptional memory and filed away details of her location, two name changes resulting from marriages, and the negative attitude towards her that reopened, influenced by thinking of her and that abrupt goodbye, so long ago.

I thought no more of it or of her until two years ago when I almost accidently became aware the geographical distance between us had narrowed a few years before from 900 mile to 30. My reaction to learning this was that it could be interpreted as a sign that there might be an opportunity on "the way out" segment of our lives, to sort out what had happened and determine whether I or we had "screwed up" what was more likely to have been experienced between us, considering the uniquely intense introduction, compared to what we made of it. To become that interested, I had to readjust my entire attitude regarding my memory of her, shifting blame I had assigned to her as a coping mechanism to where I sorted out the degree to which it appropriately belonged, partially onto me.

So, this is what the thread is about, finding meaning in and weighing the importance of unexpected first encounters versus reading too much into them. If nothing else, this experience resulted in my making peace with my memory of her, a personal growth experience I have the opportunity of at my age infrequently, if at all.

I have since contacted her directly and shared how I obtained her contact information, why it seemed important enough after so long to communicate with her, described how I had come to believe I had let her down and apologized to her for my admission of fault and shared with her that my memory of how she had interacted and communicated during our two encounters left me with the impression there was no question of the mutual recognition and intensity, she was the one who sought me out a week later and for want of a lengthier but probably no better description, acted like she owned me and that I recall being completely comfortable with that, under the circumstances, which seemed surreal, and still do! ... but only of the question I was asking her now, how much of "the force" did she find was "still with her"?

You might find what I've written to be ridiculous, the unreasonable attempts at justification of an old fool. I see now that this episode of my life defies description in words, or at least my ability to transfer into words. During the last 40 years I have not acted on the temptation to participate in a physical affair. I'm not a saint but I try to meet my obligations.

I am sharing what has happened to me. I broke something long ago and recently an unexpected opportunity to try to fix it presented itself. I feel like I've acted on the long lost and presumably never re-attainable opportunity to communicate with my other half. I know it has been an unsettling experience for her. Did something influence her to move this close, geographically? Or, is averything random happenstance? Is it unreasonable to ask?

 

[AmNat]

(cut due to character limit)

You seem to be thinking along the lines of this woman being "the one", the person that fate or the universe or what have you wanted you to be with. That way of thinking is, in my view, incorrect.

As a single man, you (like most men) interacted with a large number of women who, had circumstances been right, you could have married. None of these women were destined to be with you, but one of them happened to be the one you married. Her health problems have prevented you from experiencing the normal joys of marriage, so you're naturally tempted to seek out another woman. Your chance reconnection with this other woman has given you a way of intellectually rationalizing this temptation as something good.

I'm not accusing you of having had an affair. But you're obviously tempted that way, and if you foster a relationship with this woman it'll become more or less inevitable that you give in.

 

[post]

You seem to be thinking along the lines of this woman being "the one", the person that fate or the universe or what have you wanted you to be with. That way of thinking is, in my view, incorrect.

As a single man, you (like most men) interacted with a large number of women who, had circumstances been right, you could have married. None of these women were destined to be with you, but one of them happened to be the one you married. Her health problems have prevented you from experiencing the normal joys of marriage, so you're naturally tempted to seek out another woman. Your chance reconnection with this other woman has given you a way of intellectually rationalizing this temptation as something good.

I'm not accusing you of having had an affair. But you're obviously tempted that way, and if you foster a relationship with this woman it'll become more or less inevitable that you give in.

I've been married three times, each time at least ten years. We were discussing marriage, living together in a relationship of four
years, 23 years ago, when I informed my partner that I did not want to carry the regret I carried during my prior two marriages, wondering if I was supposed to be with my first love, who I met and had briefly lived with the year following the brief relationship with "the one" I described.

So we separated 23 years ago and after no contact for 25+ years, I reestablished the relationship with my first love and we've been married 22 years. Seven years ago I spoke on the phone for the first time in fifteen years with the woman I had almost married sixteen
years before that.

Over the course of the next two months we talked on the phone several times per week and I'd like to think we reached an understanding that we had done the best we could, including the work we were engaged in over the phone. She decided that our
feelings for each other were too strong to remain limited to phone contact and we agreed to finally say goodbye.

In all four relationships and in the few others I had, we met, including during the year 26 years ago when I was divorced and internet dating at least fifteen women during that year, resulting in the relationship I just described, introduction was similar. Meet, date, growth of familiarity and attraction through frequency, always the same from 1972 to 1997, nothing compared to the lightening strike of introduction to "the one". The unexpected opportunity to communicate with her again, and actually doing it, felt like coming home.

We know where to find each other. It is crazy to write that I belong to her, vs I belong with her. I belong where I am, doing what I'm
doing, unless I've completely misread what I've described. If she takes the initiative like she did in surprising me with that second and so far last meeting, summoning me, I won't repeat the mistake of reacting to it as an ultimatum. Feeling like I had a choice to postpone when we would spend a second time together caused her to question whether we were experiencing the same thing with the same intensity.

Looking into each other's souls resulting from inability to break a mutual, introductory stare is a high wire act. I remember getting lost in her eyes. I couldn't keep my eyes from locking with hers. Subsequently I earned a reputation with other women as shifty eyed because they found the color of my eyes attractive and I avoided making eye contact because when I did it wasn't like that lightening strike mutual stare and I didn't understand it was simply eye color that attracted the others.

I have a sense I am over communicating but I'm hoping others who read this can identify with some of what I've described experiencing.

 

[BabyAugustine]

The old saying “comparison is the thief of joy” goes a bit deeper than just comparison.

“What ifs” are also the thief of joy. Wondering about the road not taken, wondering if you had done X instead of Y…the slap on the back of the head we give to ourselves when we realize we skipped or didn’t think about one tiny step…and “pow”, the tiny step literally causes things to blow up/go sideways.


You don’t enjoy the path you are on fully when you spend your time wondering about the path not taken.

Focus on the path you are on - who knows what beauty lies ahead.

IN Judaism it's called Providence, the plan of goodness the Lord has fashioned from His Omnipotence and Omniscience.

And the Bible has advice somewhat like yours but not deracinated.

SIRACH 32:19

Do nothing without deliberation, and when you have acted, don’t feel regret.

 

[ataraxia]

This video has attracted a record setting 3.4 billion views and has become my present day "theme song" after suddenly realizing less than two years ago that I may have met "the one" 50 years before and "let her go" during our second meeting. I had repressed the memory of the squandered opportunity for 50 years.
Out of the blue, something she did recently awakened my memory of what had happened so long ago and caused me to "visit" for the first time what had happened.

I had a similar situation. There was a girl I knew since early in high school. We were good friends throughout high school. She was my prom date. I still remember how breathtakingly beautiful she looked that day, and how happy we were. After high school, she went to a different college, and so I lost touch with her a bit, but we would always find ways to see each other on the holidays or when she came back to see her family. We ended up in the same graduate school, and were seeing each other on and off as best we could, given how grueling both our schedules were. But then I got a job in a different state. I felt that things had gotten to a point where I needed to make a decision, and for all sorts of reasons decided not to take the plunge. I told her how special she was to me, and that she would always have a place in my heart, and explained all the reasons why I couldn't marry her. She seemed a little taken aback.

That was about 30 years ago. I really did not forget her all this time. But I recently learned she died in her sleep- apparently her heart had just stopped. Shocked, I called up her family to express my condolences, and spoke with her mom, whom I had gotten to know. She was surprisingly warm and friendly with me, and remembered me right away. She said that she never got married, and had devoted herself to her work all these years. She suspected that all that hard work had something to do with the heart attack, as she was not getting much sleep. She had also lost her dad to a stroke 2 years previously, and that had broken her heart quite a bit as well. I told her that I had almost asked her daughter to marry me. She said yes, she knew. She sent me pictures of her from the years I had not seen her: Christmas photos, family photos, photos from her on vacation, etc, etc... It really tore me up. I was filled with those "what if?" questions.

But I made a decision all those years ago, and it is what it is. I have a good life now. But I still think of her, and hope she is happy wherever she is, and she knows how much she meant to me. I have been wrestling with this trying to get over it for a while, and I think I am making some progress. These are some videos I found which have helped me. I hope they help you as well:

 

[post]

I had a similar situation. There was a girl I knew since early in high school. We were good friends throughout high school. She was my prom date. I still remember how breathtakingly beautiful she looked that day, and how happy we were. After high school, she went to a different college, and so I lost touch with her a bit, but we would always find ways to see each other on the holidays or when she came back to see her family. We ended up in the same graduate school, and were seeing each other on and off as best we could, given how grueling both our schedules were. But then I got a job in a different state. I felt that things had gotten to a point where I needed to make a decision, and for all sorts of reasons decided not to take the plunge. I told her how special she was to me, and that she would always have a place in my heart, and explained all the reasons why I couldn't marry her. She seemed a little taken aback.

That was about 30 years ago. I really did not forget her all this time. But I recently learned she died in her sleep- apparently her heart had just stopped. Shocked, I called up her family to express my condolences, and spoke with her mom, whom I had gotten to know. She was surprisingly warm and friendly with me, and remembered me right away. She said that she never got married, and had devoted herself to her work all these years. She suspected that all that hard work had something to do with the heart attack, as she was not getting much sleep. She had also lost her dad to a stroke 2 years previously, and that had broken her heart quite a bit as well. I told her that I had almost asked her daughter to marry me. She said yes, she knew. She sent me pictures of her from the years I had not seen her: Christmas photos, family photos, photos from her on vacation, etc, etc... It really tore me up. I was filled with those "what if?" questions.

-snip-

Thank you for your reply. I took time to think about when your earlier in life decision became irrevocable. It was nice that you were able to communicate with your first love's mother.

This is rather sensitive b ut you've been pretty open in your post. I'm going to ask because my initial reaction to confronting my long repressed memories of meeting this then nearly eighteen year old girl was recalling that, at the time, I had nothing else to compare the "struck by fightening"reaction I shared with her when we first looked into each other's eyes and then couldn't look away.

In contrast, I met the three women I later asked to marry me, at work. We got acquainted before dating and we knew and share impressions of co-workers and of "office politics" before progressing to dating. The only serious relationship I've been in that began with a stranger resulted from a 1997 dating site exchange resulting in a phone call from her of less than five minutes, arranging a first meeting at a Starbuck's, followed by a half dozen mid week dinner dates before we made mutual recognition via sustained eye contact.
We lived together four years and after fifteen years apart, in 2017, talked on the phone for the first time since 2002 as if no time had passed.

So when I discovered two years ago that this person I had repressed my memory of and feelings for since late 1971 was now living 900 miles from where we had met and
30 miles from where I live, I stopped protecting myself from the hurt and disappointment I refused to experience as it was happening. Part of it is the nature of being eighteen
years old, living independently for the first time, and next to a college campus. Part of it was a fire in our apartment just weeks after that nearly killed my roommate who had introduced her and I to each other. Mostly, though, it was how adamant she had been about me committing to her, or not, at our second and last meeting... that I had to match her earnestness, no rain check, after I asked her for one!

Comparing for the first time my life's experience with how little I had to go on, in 1971, as far as experiencing immediate connection, the reaction that leaped out at me in the process of a 180 degree adjustment in unpacking what I had kept closed up for so long was, "Oh my God! Did I screw up both of our lives before we had any chance to build on such a mutually experienced gift, literally landing in each other's laps / arms?"

When you learned she had never married and you would have no further opportunity to communicate with her, did you venture into, "if I had a chance to do it over agaiin, what would I have done differently?"

 

[Helix]

Passenger is a great band. My wife and I listen to them while traveling sometimes.

 

[ataraxia]

When you learned she had never married and you would have no further opportunity to communicate with her, did you venture into, "if I had a chance to do it over agaiin, what would I have done differently?"

Oh absolutely. It hit me real hard.

But you really have to try to get over it and move on. It can become very dysfunctional to wallow forever in such memories and nostalgia and perennial asking of "what if" and "what would have I done differently". These are useless and sterile questions. Of course it may feel like you are betraying them in some way if you move on like that. But be assured you are not. You can still honor their memory and hold it dear without getting stuck in it forever. One can really get stuck in a trap of depression and obsession in these situations- but what good is it doing anyone? You are just hurting yourself and your own current life. Maybe you may find it's nice to wallow in such nostalgia and memories- but if you are stuck in that stage for too long it can end up hurting you, without helping anyone else. We made certain decisions when we did, and even may have had good reasons for doing so when we did. We may even have made the same decisions now if we were at the same forks in the road. When you are in the situation there are many things you are considering and thinking about that you may not be remembering entirely right now as you look through the lens of memories and nostalgia. No point second-guessing yourself now. It's OK to allow yourself some time initially to go through some stages of grief. That is important. But make sure you don't get stuck there forever.

What has helped me in try to get over all this (and I do mean "try", sometimes it still hits me real hard and knocks me to the floor, but I'm trying) is a stoic approach- and I do mean that in the very technical sense of Stoic philosophy. There are some great Youtube videos on it, but it can be nicely summarized in the following prayer, sometimes known as the "Serenity Prayer" (it is from the Christian tradition, but that in turn came from Stoic influence on Christianity):

"Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

So in your particular situation, I guess the question to ask yourself now is "is there something I can do NOW?".

If there is, do it (can you reach out to her safely, without hurting her, without hurting anyone in your own life right now; do you know if she is married, has a family, etc...?).

If not, you have to pray for the serenity to accept the situation and the strength to move on.

 

[tosca1]

This video has attracted a record setting 3.4 billion views and has become my present day "theme song" after suddenly realizing less than two years ago that I may have met "the one" 50 years before and "let her go" during our second meeting. I had repressed the memory of the squandered opportunity for 50 years.
Out of the blue, something she did recently awakened my memory of what had happened so long ago and caused me to "visit" for the first time what had happened.

It isn't uncommon to romanticize something or someone in our past.
It's equally possible that you're taking "signals" differently for what they were.

Birdinhand gave an excellent viewpoint.

 

[Mircea]

"Frost spent the years 1912 to 1915 in England, where among his acquaintances was the writer Edward Thomas.[2] Thomas and Frost became close friends and took many walks together. One day, as they were walking together, they came across two roads. Thomas was indecisive about which road to take, and in retrospect often lamented that they should have taken the other one. After Frost returned to New Hampshire in 1915, he sent Thomas an advance copy of "The Road Not Taken". Thomas took the poem seriously and personally, and it may have been significant in his decision to enlist in World War I. Thomas was killed two years later in the Battle of Arras ."

Your reading comprehension skills are atrocious.

Read the poem again. Then, read the poem again and with paper and pencil write down all the nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs and look them up using a dictionary and thesaurus.

Then perhaps you will understand.

The poem has nothing to do with decision-making or choices.

If you want the Cliff's Notes version, consider the song sung by Frank Sinatra, "I did it my way."

Frost is mocking that. Frost is saying no, wrong answer, you never did it your way and you never could do it your way.

The road everyone takes is the one where they delude themselves into believing they did it their way; that they are the master of their own destiny; and that they accomplished everything without anyone's help.

The road not taken is the one where people have the reflective courage to admit they would never be where they are or have achieved greatness or accomplished so much because of random chance; because of all the people who opened doors for them; because of all the people who gently nudged them or not so subtly shoved them in the right direction; of that one person willing to make a phone call on your behalf when no one else on this Earth would in order to connect you with someone who can advance your career or help you accomplish your goals and dreams whatever they might be.

That is what the poem is about and when you come to understand the words in the poem you will know that.

 

[post]

Your reading comprehension skills are atrocious.

Read the poem again. Then, read the poem again and with paper and pencil write down all the nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs and look them up using a dictionary and thesaurus.

Then perhaps you will understand.

The poem has nothing to do with decision-making or choices.

If you want the Cliff's Notes version, consider the song sung by Frank Sinatra, "I did it my way."

Frost is mocking that. Frost is saying no, wrong answer, you never did it your way and you never could do it your way.

-snip-

You are lecturing / berating someone who is in such a bad way he has authored threads on this forum presenting how badly he misinterpreted a situation occurring one Friday night more than fifty years ago, because of avoiding to confront what was going on and sorting it out when no time would ever be better than then. Instead, he let her go.

Citizen Kane (1941) - IMDb

Citizen Kane (1941) Everett Sloane as Mr. Bernstein

www.imdb.com

Mr. Bernstein: "A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that girl."

My situation, considering the five decade interval, would have much in common with Bernstein's, above, except for the odd sequence of events
that afforded me the opportunity to put these words in front of her in the past year, and I know she read them. My expectation until two years ago was that I would have no further contact with her or even of knowledge of her present name and location, or that the distance had shrunk from 900 miles to 30.

If we had knowledge at the end of the evening when we first met, "you'll meet only once more, a week from now. You'll both spend the night, next week in this house, not with each other but each with someone you haven't even met, yet, after you've said emotion filled good byes to each other," I would have not thought it possible and I did not recognize it, even after being informed of it the next day (8 days after we met) as I just described it.

IOW, what happened to us.?

I haven't read Frost's poem since it was covered in a high school English class.

Thank you for you insight.

The Road Not Taken - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

..Background
Frost spent the years 1912 - 1915 in England, where among his acquaintances was the writer Edward Thomas. Thomas and Frost became close friends and took many walks together. One day, as they were walking together, they came across two roads. Thomas was indecisive about which road to take, and in retrospect often lamented that they should have taken the other one. ...in 1915, he sent Thomas an advance copy of "The Road Not Taken". Thomas took the poem seriously and personally, and it may have been significant in his decision to enlist in World War I. Thomas was killed two years later in the Battle of Arras.
....
The poem's speaker tells us he "shall be telling", at some point in the future, of how he took the road less traveled … yet he has already admitted that the two paths "equally lay / In leaves" and "the passing there / Had worn them really about the same." So the road he will later call less traveled is actually the road equally traveled. The two roads are interchangeable...
...
Frost wrote the poem as a joke for his friend Edward Thomas, who was often indecisive about which route to take when the two went walking.
A New York Times book review on Brian Hall's 2008 biography Fall of Frost states: "Whichever way they go, they're sure to miss something good on the other path." Regarding the "sigh" that is mentioned in the last stanza, it may be seen as an expression of regret or of satisfaction. However, there is significance in the difference between what the speaker has just said of the two roads, and what he will say in the future. .. as Frost was once about to read the poem, he commented to his audience, "You have to be careful of that one; it's a tricky poem—very tricky", perhaps intending to suggest the poem's ironic possibilities.

Thompson suggests that the poem's narrator is "one who habitually wastes energy in regretting any choice made: belatedly but wistfully he sighs over the attractive alternative rejected." Thompson also says that when introducing the poem in readings, Frost would say that the speaker was based on his friend Thomas. In Frost's words, Thomas was "a person who, whichever road he went, would be sorry he didn't go the other. He was hard on himself that way."

 

[Mircea]

Thank you for you insight.

The Road Not Taken - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

A Pukipropaganda article written by some guy living in his mom's basement playing with his man-bun is not persuasive.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

The old saying “comparison is the thief of joy” goes a bit deeper than just comparison.

“What ifs” are also the thief of joy. Wondering about the road not taken, wondering if you had done X instead of Y…the slap on the back of the head we give to ourselves when we realize we skipped or didn’t think about one tiny step…and “pow”, the tiny step literally causes things to blow up/go sideways.


You don’t enjoy the path you are on fully when you spend your time wondering about the path not taken.

Focus on the path you are on - who knows what beauty lies ahead.

It is only useful in retrospect, as in, if you recognize you made a mistake - hopefully when faced with a similar situation - you don't do it again.
We all reminisce. And wonder "what if".

 

[BirdinHand]

It is only useful in retrospect, as in, if you recognize you made a mistake - hopefully when faced with a similar situation - you don't do it again.
We all reminisce. And wonder "what if".

Speak for yourself.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

Speak for yourself.

I just did, I wasn't trying to speak for anyone else.
Assume less.

 

[post]

Speak for yourself.

I protected myself for 50 years, initially because events in the immediate aftermath of the lost opportunity blotted the sense of regret out.
Those events were largely beyond my control, a house fire and loss of follow on, blossoming relationship in the same week, less than two months
after this repressed loss.

I thought of her during the long resentment period just after learning genealogical research skills in 2005, looking her up at Ancestry.com and filing
in the back of my head details of her location and name of her spouse. I read the obits in the newspaper of a town founded by my ancestor which my in-laws
also have close ties to. Two years ago I encountered her sister's five year old obit, informing me that the road not taken resides in the adjacent county, IOW that we're
both 900 miles from where that newspaper is published. The repression of the circumstances of the loss ended.

I'm attracted to the experiences of talking to people I can really talk to, the ones I don't have to put up a guard with. They are few and far between.
I recall that she is one of them, from the instant we met. I want confirmation that that is enduring!

 

[post]

“Living in the memory of a love that never was.”