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Supporting adult children

NWRatCon

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As most here probably know, I retired early (because I could), and my wife retired for medical reasons. We're comfortable, financially, if not "rich" (depending on one's standards). I have two adult children in their 30s. Both have social "difficulties" as a result of ADHD and spectrum diagnoses, but both have transitioned to "adulthood". But...

Both have struggled, financially, for different reasons. My elder son is married and his spouse has regular employment, providing medical insurance and enough finances to purchase a condo they've been living in for a decade. Earlier in his life, though, I provided his rent when he was unemployed and he was on subsidized housing. My younger son has been living with me since a couple of years after college graduation so he could save up to purchase his own home. I also have a non-"adopted" daughter, that I help support, who is struggling financially (a single mom on public assistance, with a deadbeat ex). I play grandpa for her girls, as I have none of my own, and theirs have passed.

It's that time of life (30-something) when each is seeking to establish their own households. I'm perseverating over how I can assist in that process, and what I "should" do. I have great credit, own my home, and enough regular retirement income to meet all of my (our) financial obligations. (I also trained to become a financial planner, but never sought certification, so I know the financial impacts of various choices.)

My question, really, is a social one: how much support should one provide for adult children? Am I enabling less-than-functional behavior by guaranteeing basics (food and shelter) for each of them? Can I ignore my personal choices while advocating for public support for others? It's a philosophical dilemma. What say ye?
 
NWRatCon said:
My question, really, is a social one: how much support should one provide for adult children?
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Honestly, it seems nearly impossible to provide a good answer. It is so contextual and without knowing intimate details of exactly how much their social difficulties impact them and how they as individuals might react/behave if they are handed financial security.
 
(I still buy lottery tickets...)
 
All I could say.is watch it and don't be too giving. My stepson for example wasn't wanting to get it together(though he does have epilepsy and wife and I agree, he's a tad off you could say), but some tough love has him realizing and slowly getting it together.

Sure as hell wasn't ending up with something like my wife dealt with not long ago as a care giver/fiduciary for a lady who passed not long ago. Her son, about 50, lived with her, no job, and was sponging her SS and other income.

I would just say be caring but not too 'encouraging' that they take it for granted. Best of luck.
 
This is true. The "American dream" (and, really, expectation) has always been to own one own home, and pass at least that much on to one's children.
 
I have no experience with this, but I know you're a very kind person and your heart is in the right place here. I can see why you help them out. If you stopped doing that and they spiraled downwards, you would jump in and start assisting them again, only then things may be much worse than they are now. I know I'm no help, but I do wish you the best in your circumstance.
 
I have no answers but am interested in other’s opinions.
I have one adult child who is self sufficient partly because we paid for an expensive education and gave her $ for a housing down payment in lieu of paying for her wedding.
The other choose not to go to school and is not married or living with a partner. She is mostly self sufficient and gainfully employed. But she does work in a tourist area and we have helped her out when hurricanes and bad weather have cut into her pay. Which is still a drop in the bucket compared to the money we have given the other one.
Like you, the $ isn’t an issue but we don’t want to discourage self sufficiency.
 
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Love guides you......leave it at that
 
Every kid is different, even in same family. The goal is to set them up but don't over due it. Make it a partnership where you help them but they're the one that have do the heaving lifting. Part of that is they need to learn some life skills like budgeting, planning, and allocating resources. They need to have the feeling and satisfaction that they're 'self-made' and they did it on their own.
 
You are an enabler and your inability to cut financial ties is only making your kids grow more dependent on you. If your kids can't find jobs on their own drive them down to your local recruiting office and let them pick their future. You obviously love your kids, but it is way past time to cut their financial umbilical cord and allow them to become adults unless you want them with you forever...
 

Karen and I send a little bit of help to our now thirty year-old daughter living in Portland, but the key here is "a little".
We're happy to help but the cookie jar has its limits and she knows this.
She does work hard but I am not sure she's ever going to try to buy her own home unless she gets a big dash of extra inspiration and tries the cheap old house route and does her own fixing up work.

The problem with sites that promise cheap old houses is that most of them are in very remote towns where there's almost no work, or they may be in current or former high crime areas. But then again, another friend bought in a depressed neighborhood in Detroit which has been undergoing a renaissance, and it's nothing like it was eight years ago when she bought there. The area now boasts a funky artsy fartsy feel to it which is right up her alley...she is artsy fartsy personified.
I think she knew the vibe of the place when she first went to check it out and made an educated guess as to the future of the place.

Anyway, our daughter may wind up permanently being a renter, she works hard but hard work does not guarantee home ownership anymore like it did when I was growing up.
We did our best but ultimately it ends up being her life and her life decisions.
 
It is an unfortunate truth that we have the most time for our children when they are adults. Imo, many people find themselves financially supporting adult children because they are trying to 'buy' back the time they lost when they were children.

Having said that, it is a distinct possibility that one of my children will move home in the next few months due to financial issues. For me, providing a safety net is not a question. The question is, how can I support her to get her back on her own feet in the shortest, successful time frame/
 
Half of kids up to age 30 in America still live at home. The sandwich generation is growing here to match Europes. It's the time as much as anything. It's more difficult now.

They'll make it, but, there is a reason the sandwich generation exists. Kids like this take longer to "grow" up like us older folks have and it's because things are more difficult, it's not them. Little union jobs, pay doesn't match inflation, and difficulty in home ownership from red tape to funds. Jobs are not as accommodating, everything is digital and background checks are nearly impossible now. We didn't have all that shit to contend with. Any issue like ADHD or Autism will quickly be weeded out of job prospects so, it's tough!

I think you should do what you "feel" is the right thing here. Don't listen to other people. I shut them out long ago. I have 3 on the spectrum and I'll help them as long as I can. We're family!
 
Exactly. And, of course, how much would he care?
 
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There is no philosophical dilemma in helping your own kids. It is too late to think that help might spoil them. The ship already sailed before they left home.
 
I don't think you're enabling them when it comes to basic necessities as long as you have full control of the purse strings. I've taken my g-girls in college grocery shopping when they have bare cabinets, it's also an opportunity to teach them how to shop responsibly. I would NEVER just give them a blank check; they'd be buying stupid expensive stuff like pre-made mashed potato bowls and mac and cheese bowls. So when I take them shopping and they want to buy mashed potato bowls, I steer them to the produce section where they can buy a whole bag of potatoes for the price of 2 bowls of pre-made potatoes. I wouldn't even consider helping them if they weren't in college making good grades and working as many hours as they could comfortably handle.

Helping out family members financially is like doling out pain pills. If you do it too often, you set up an addiction!
 
Here's a little anecdote:

Our girl moved to Portland around 2021 and despite having to help her out a little bit (a couple of hundred a month) she's been doing fine, being responsible, paying her bills.
She is a hard worker and not the least bit lazy. It's just tough out there so I don't begrudge us sending her a little every month, she certainly isn't going on any luxury cruises or shopping sprees with what we send her.

Meanwhile, a very dear lady who used to help clean our home about once a month for six years wound up scoring a very high paying job with an international company and was doing incredibly well until the kids her husband had with his former wife sat down hubs with a plan. He was terminally ill and they talked him into giving them full power of attorney unbeknownst to her.

When he died they literally TOOK her home from her.
She could have fought it had she hired a high priced attorney and battled for two or three years but the shock of it all knocked the wind out of her.
She still worked her tail off at this company but later, it turned out that she was hit with an enormous amount of debt that her hubs had hidden from her, so there she is living in her CAR while working full time and struggling with a monster. This is the price she paid for "being a traditional values" type wife, hubby was in charge, etc.
They really did her dirty.
So we took her in and she has been living with us for the past year. She took our daughter's room which has its own bathroom.

Meanwhile when our daughter was going through a roommate crisis and struggling extra hard, the question of moving back for a while came up and we had to let her know she would have to live in the "the tiny baby bedroom" instead, said room being less than 120 square feet, instead of the "almost apartment sized bedroom" she used to have and she would have to share our master bathroom.

She turned down the offer and managed to move into her own place minus the horrible roommate instead.
She recovered.

PS: The "bad seed" stepkids have now run into troubles of their own making and they tried making overtures to our friend, who politely (or not so politely) told them where they could cram it. It's likely she will be moving into her own new place some time in 2025, she is good at saving up and her job pays well.
 
Jkca1 said:
You are an enabler
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That is an interesting phrase used in this circumstance, and I am taking your post seriously. I certainly understand the term, as applied to addiction, although it has never sat well with me (I've had a family member who descended through addiction). What you really mean is a "disabler", because of course I am enabling them... - to buy a house, specifically. That, of course, is my intention.
Jkca1 said:
and your inability to cut financial ties is only making your kids grow more dependent on you.
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Here I'll push back a little. In part, because as Ginger Ale pointed out earlier, "Half of kids up to age 30 in America still live at home. The sandwich generation is growing here to match Europe's. It's the time as much as anything. It's more difficult now." The reality is, things are harder for them than they were for me. I've raised them well, and they appreciate the circumstances, they're responsible for themselves, but their financial circumstances are different than they were for my generation.

Also, I have lived through privation. My father died when I was 14. My mother went back to work and Social Security made the difference between "making it" and "falling through the cracks" for my family (which included 5 siblings). I also, in my mid/late 20s, went through the "outspending my income phase", and learned from it. I became a saver - which is what allowed me to retire early. I have taught those lessons to my children, and to hundreds of young adults moving out on their own (as a legal assistance officer in the Army). In fact, that's why I took the financial planner courses, to get the certification to match my experiences.
More interesting thought provocation there. I have helped them with job searches, career planning, and their picking their futures. One son is a computer programmer (game designer), the other a design professional (visual communications) and my semi-adopted daughter is a special needs teacher working on her Masters. And, of course, I do want them "with me" forever...

But, in the larger sense, "why is it past time to cut their financial umbilical cord"? I think that is a peculiar post-WWII American attitude. Multi-generational housing and family existence is the norm, the "nuclear family" is the anomaly. That is still true in Europe, Asia, and for most of the existence of the United States.

From a financial standpoint, will not risk my wife's and my savings/retirement, but I am also well aware of the different economic environment that they exist in. As I noted in my OP: "Can I ignore my personal choices while advocating for public support for others? It's a philosophical dilemma." That's why I put it in this thread.
 
Perhaps we just have different viewpoints on life. I raised my kids to stand on their own two feet. When I was 17, I could hardly wait to get out of the house, so I have a hard time understanding anyone who wants to live with mommy and daddy after high school. My sister, on the other hand, just had her youngest daughter leave home at age 32, and now she complains to her mom about the cost of living and rent payments. At some point, you have to kick the birds out of the nest and allow them to become adults. I think the earlier you can do that the healthier it is for parents and their children, and that is why is it "past time to cut their financial umbilical cord".

"It’s best to give the young graduate lots of encouragement, but not lots of money. “The hardest thing for a parent to say is ‘no.’ Yet it can be the best gift,” she says. By saying no, she says, what you’re really saying is the one thing that every college graduate most needs to hear: “I think you’ve got this.”
 
Jkca1 said:
Perhaps we just have different viewpoints on life.
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Clearly. And perhaps you missed the part where I noted that they had all moved out on their own? "I've raised them well, and they appreciate the circumstances, they're responsible for themselves, but their financial circumstances are different than they were for my generation."
Jkca1 said:
I raised my kids to stand on their own two feet.
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And be ignored for the rest of their lives? How very convenient. "I got mine."
Because they are higher than they were when you and I did that.
Here's my problem with your very Republican attitude. It ignores the changes in circumstances that are very real in this world.
Who are you quoting there?
 
As I noted in the OP, this is a philosophical - not primarily a financial - issue. It's about putting my money where my mouth is.

I believe everyone should have a fair shake at "making it on their own", and that's really what this conundrum is all about. I've made it. They're still working on that.

The circumstances of life are significantly different than they were for me. I had Social Security, they don't. I have a wife who for whatever reason, is still with me after 40 years. Two of them don't have that. I had a career (three, actually). They're each trying to establish themselves in a changing employment environment.

I'm well aware that for most people the most significant investment they make in their lives is a house. It is the only "wealth" most people ever have. That's what I want to help them achieve. (BTW, all of them have taken my advice to put away money in a Roth, as often and as early as they could, and not touch it.) This is a big step. Since I can, I want to help with that.

My real dilemma is how far out on the limb should I climb?
 
Depends on the individuals in question. You know them best. But I will say that when some otherwise intelligent and capable adults have a safety net, they proceed to find a comfortable corner of this net and curl up on it with their blanket, television, and video games. Those kinds of adults do not benefit from having a safety net. They benefit from being thrown into a sink or swim situation, as unpleasant and difficult as that may be for a former caregiver to do. If you have any of those types of adults under your care, I would keep an eye on them, offer them an endless stream of good advice, both solicited and unsolicited, make it abundantly clear that your home is not their home, and watch them pull themselves up by their bootstraps and go from rags to riches on their own strengths and merits. They will be better humans for it.

I don't think you need to feel any guilt in not giving them money. Love is not the same thing as monetary assistance.
 
I supported MY parents in their retirement.

If the shoe was on the other foot, they would have supported me.


I’ll always support my son. But, I expect he will be doing something productive with his time.

If your kids are productive, and you WANT to, then help them.

You don’t strike me as the type that would enable your kiddos to sit around and simply waste their abilities and talent.

Life is stupid expensive right now for young adults. Housing and transportation costs are SO much more expensive than they were when we were their ages.

Follow your heart, it seems to have led you well thus far.
 

Maybe instead of thinking about helping them now, think about helping them for the future.

How about a deal where you "match" 401K contributions.

So say Child "A" make plans on making a 401K contribution of $100, you match that for another $100. So Child "A" arranges with payroll to have $200 a check go into the retirement account. Child "A" pays up front then you reimburse.

Helps Child "A" works toward being secure in the future, and Child "A" takes the full tax deduction know so there is a little extra in their pocket from the check.
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Basically my military retirement has worked like this for many years. Higher 401K contributions and using military retirement to pay bills and the big chunk getting deducted from taxes was nice also. No looking towards retirement I'll still have the military, plus a nice pot in the 401K.

WW
 
BirdinHand said:
I supported MY parents in their retirement.

If the shoe was on the other foot, they would have supported me.
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My younger son, who lives with me, has discussed buying a house together for that very reason. He knows circumstances change (my wife has already moved to an assisted living facility), and he wants to be there for me when I need him. (He already thinks of me as much frailer than I am - unless he's right of course... ).
BirdinHand said:
I’ll always support my son. But, I expect he will be doing something productive with his time.
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I've told my kids that there are three things they'll always have: medical insurance, someplace to live, and a phone to call me on. It's taken different forms but it is still true. The rest is up to them. All of them have insurance that I don't pay for (but have), each has stayed with me in difficult times or I've paid rent when they couldn't, and I still pay for their phones. Lol. (I just wish they'd use them more...)

This is just an extension of that philosophy, really.
Thanks for that
 
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