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My father died on Friday morning.

V

vergiss

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This probably isn't the place for emo, grief-striken posts, but being able to talk to adults with life-experience who didn't know my dad and thus have their own emotions to deal with would be rather nice. My friends are all gormless teenagers who have no idea what to say.

My dad had a sudden, massive heart attack on Friday morning. He'd never had one before, and was pretty much dead before he hit the ground. He was 51.

As I'd said in earlier posts, I spent a lot of time angry at my dad. He used to be a wonderful father, so caring and protective and did everything he could to make sure my sister and I got what we needed. But he lost his job (he was a lawyer) when I was 10 and descended into alcoholism, turning emotionally abusive and totally changing. My parents divorced when I was 14, and I didn't see him half as often as I probably should... because I just didn't want to see him when he wasn't sober. Which was most of the time.

I feel really awful because the last time I saw him, on Christmas Eve, I told him to f**k off and swore I'd never have anything to do with him again. I thought I hated him. But no matter what, you can never stop loving your parents deep down, you know? I wish I'd forgiven him when he apologised. I wish I could remember the last time I'd given him a hug. He was often a self-absorbed prick and a total bastard but it still hurts. It's surreal. I'll almost forget for a while and can actually be happy, but there's still a bad feeling in my gut and I'll hate myself for not being sad when I should, or I'll think of something and just want to cry again.

It's like I want to stand in the middle of the street and yell at everyone to cease what they're doing. It's as if I'm angry that the world's still turning, because my dad is dead and it doesn't seem right that life is going on as it does. It seems wrong. I never thought I'd be this upset, but I am.
 
vergiss said:
This probably isn't the place for emo, grief-striken posts, but being able to talk to adults with life-experience who didn't know my dad and thus have their own emotions to deal with would be rather nice. My friends are all gormless teenagers who have no idea what to say.

My dad had a sudden, massive heart attack on Friday morning. He'd never had one before, and was pretty much dead before he hit the ground. He was 51.

As I'd said in earlier posts, I spent a lot of time angry at my dad. He used to be a wonderful father, so caring and protective and did everything he could to make sure my sister and I got what we needed. But he lost his job (he was a lawyer) when I was 10 and descended into alcoholism, turning emotionally abusive and totally changing. My parents divorced when I was 14, and I didn't see him half as often as I probably should... because I just didn't want to see him when he wasn't sober. Which was most of the time.

I feel really awful because the last time I saw him, on Christmas Eve, I told him to f**k off and swore I'd never have anything to do with him again. I thought I hated him. But no matter what, you can never stop loving your parents deep down, you know? I wish I'd forgiven him when he apologised. I wish I could remember the last time I'd given him a hug. He was often a self-absorbed prick and a total bastard but it still hurts. It's surreal. I'll almost forget for a while and can actually be happy, but there's still a bad feeling in my gut and I'll hate myself for not being sad when I should, or I'll think of something and just want to cry again.

It's like I want to stand in the middle of the street and yell at everyone to cease what they're doing. It's as if I'm angry that the world's still turning, because my dad is dead and it doesn't seem right that life is going on as it does. It seems wrong. I never thought I'd be this upset, but I am.
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I'm sorry man. I'm 22 my parents divorced when I was 13. I too got into a fight with my father a few years ago and haven't spoken to him since. He was never really around after the divorce.

With time things will get better. The crap that happens to us like that as a child never goes away, but that doesn't mean you can't still live a good life and fulfill everything you want to do.

Don't blame yourself for your fathers actions. Remember you were the child and he was the adult. And whatever happened, he should have handled it in a more adult manner. If he apologized and you didn't accept it, it was because you were angry at how he treated you. I am sure where ever your dad might be, he understands his mistakes and the pain they have caused you.

Just free yourself from the burden of 'what ifs'. The past can never be changed, but you still have a future completely determined by you. You will heal, and you will have whatever life you wish to choose from this point on. Again sorry about your father.
 
Originally posted by vergiss
This probably isn't the place for emo, grief-striken posts, but being able to talk to adults with life-experience who didn't know my dad and thus have their own emotions to deal with would be rather nice. My friends are all gormless teenagers who have no idea what to say.

My dad had a sudden, massive heart attack on Friday morning. He'd never had one before, and was pretty much dead before he hit the ground. He was 51.

As I'd said in earlier posts, I spent a lot of time angry at my dad. He used to be a wonderful father, so caring and protective and did everything he could to make sure my sister and I got what we needed. But he lost his job (he was a lawyer) when I was 10 and descended into alcoholism, turning emotionally abusive and totally changing. My parents divorced when I was 14, and I didn't see him half as often as I probably should... because I just didn't want to see him when he wasn't sober. Which was most of the time.

I feel really awful because the last time I saw him, on Christmas Eve, I told him to f**k off and swore I'd never have anything to do with him again. I thought I hated him. But no matter what, you can never stop loving your parents deep down, you know? I wish I'd forgiven him when he apologised. I wish I could remember the last time I'd given him a hug. He was often a self-absorbed prick and a total bastard but it still hurts. It's surreal. I'll almost forget for a while and can actually be happy, but there's still a bad feeling in my gut and I'll hate myself for not being sad when I should, or I'll think of something and just want to cry again.

It's like I want to stand in the middle of the street and yell at everyone to cease what they're doing. It's as if I'm angry that the world's still turning, because my dad is dead and it doesn't seem right that life is going on as it does. It seems wrong. I never thought I'd be this upset, but I am.
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I know exactly what your going through. My parents divorced when I was five. I was tickled to death. I don't think I could have lived in the same house with my father. He was one of those "do as I say and not as I do" guys. He did have his positive side, but mostly it was his abusive one that surfaced most often.

When I got older, I hated the way I was raised. I resented my father so much that 18 years went by from the time I was 19 till I was 37 before I saw him again. I wrote him a letter during that time telling him how much I hated him.

As I got older, I started to actually miss him. I started looking for the good things that I remembered about him. I kept doing this over and over until I was able to forgive him. But that was just me being selfish. You see, when you forgive someone, you do it more for you than you do for the one your forgiving. Because you are finally able to shed all that negative baggage that comes into your head everytime you think about them.

It wasn't long before I wanted to see him. So I wrote him a letter telling him I was sorry about hating him in the other letter. He wrote back and said "h-a-t-e" is the worst four letter word in the dictionary. Then he said he had 3 cancers (lung, kidney and brain) and the doctors gave him 2 months.

To make a long story short, I got a plane ticket (because he lived in Reno, Nev. and I was in Long Beach, Ca) to go see him. But his friend called me a week later and said I should get up there right away because he was deteriorating. So I switched tickets and got there 4 hours before he died. I was sitting right next to him when he passed away. Trust me, it's not something you want to experience. But we did have one last conversation before he slipped into a coma.

I told him I didn't think I would live to be 67. He said, "Well, it will give you something to shoot for!"

I still miss him. And I've always loved him.

The pain never hurts less. It just hurts less often.
 
Dunno what to say to something like this, other then my sincere condolences.
 
Only the best to you vergiss. No one here can do much to make you feel better about this....though I'm sure we all wish we could. When Gramma died I cried for hours, and my Mom told me something that I have carried ever since:

"You arent Crying for her.....you are crying for your own loss, shes doing just fine."

It helped me quite a bit...you are in my thoughts.
 
My sincere condolences go out to you. Most all of us will have to face these sorts of losses sooner or later. I don't know that anything will really make them any easier.
I'm sorry for you loss.
 
Both of my folks are gone. It gets easier, though, with time. My prayers go out to you.
 
Once you hated your dad. Now you hate yourself. Don't. Your dad does not want you to hate yourself. There is no way he does.

Dying Billo's dad said "h-a-t-e" is the worst four letter word in the dictionary.
He especially was meaning a family. You love you dad now, just because he is you dad. He loves you too, just because you are his baby.
Live with his love. He would approve each and every bit of your happiness, and he would suffer seeing your suffering. Don’t make him suffer again. He would say: please, don't cry, I am OK. He is OK.

Thank you for reminding us that we all are like you are.
My deepest condolences.
 
My thoughts are with you vergiss. Don't worry about your last words; he knows you love him.
 
I am really, really sorry for your loss bro...

I lost my dad in "99". Things will get better, just do one thing right now...Breath...
 
Vergiss my sincere condolences.

Premature death is always harder to accept than when somebody is in their 80's. I lost a sister far too early, and my only comfort was that her death, like your father's was sudden. Cling on to the thought that no matter how tragic, he didn't suffer pain or months of something horrendous like chemotherapy for example. Poor consolation I know, but I personally found that thought helped a great deal.

Words are really crap in situations like this, so I will stop, but simply add be strong, but don't forget to look after YOURSELF.
 
I am truly and deeply saddened to learn of the loss of your father... More often then not even those closest to us find themselves without words of remedy toward a grief stricken friend. Making it harder for that persons grief because all to often he/she may misinterpret what they don't know to say or do, as not caring, or not caring enough.
While I can't speak from your father's head... Being a father myself, I can share from his heart... Had he known that God would call him sooner than later he would have made it sure to see you, hug you, and pray your forgiveness in all of whatever past mistakes he had made along the way... And never would he have acknowledged your own... As he remembers he too was young once... Despite whatever his nature of words he would tell you in all certainty and sincerity, "I Love You."

Always speak rightly of him in remembrance of the fifth commandment as it is the only one with a conditional promise.
May God Bless and Keep you in this, your time of sorrow... Sincerely, Duane
 
Vergiss, you big liberal, I am very sorry to hear that. I truly am. Life is rough and we have to endure it. It is natural to feel guilt from our words, but we also must realize that no one can live their lives saying the perfect thing at all times and no matter what, we will always look back and think of ways to have done something better. Keep a healthy outlook on things.

(Virtual hug.) Take care, kiddo.
 
VERGISS wrote:My dad had a sudden, massive heart attack on Friday morning.
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Dear Vergiss,
I'm sorry you have had to face yet another mountain in your young life. I'm sorry your father left this earth at such a young age. I'm sorry you were not given the last moment to give and to receive words of forgiveness, healing and love.
The pain is real and it will lessen.Time does heal but everyone's time is different.
I too, lost my Daddy after 10 years of estrangement,(caused by neither of us). I was reconciled to him for 8 months and spent 9 weeks with him. I loved him, still do, very much. I know he loved me.
That was 6-02...I will always miss him and sometimes in secret I still weep. You will,too. Just know its okay.
Try to remember the good moments, write them down if it helps.

I will tell you a little secret from my own life...a truth I learned...first I am a wife, a mom and a gamama...I've learned this......

EVERY time my children said or did anything that hurt me...as they were doing it I was forgiving them. I would like to believe your father was the same. You did things as a child does and said things as a child speaks, because you were a child. I am sure your father looked at those things just like that. we all did things in our youth (some in old age too) that are not as bad as we might think they are....and nothing unforgiveable in the eyes of those moms and dads that love us.

As I'd said in earlier posts, I spent a lot of time angry at my dad.
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He showed you his love in those first ten years...he got lost somewhere inside himself after his loss and he changed. He still loved you but did not seem able to move ahead of that difficult time in his life.

I wish I'd forgiven him when he apologised. I wish I could remember the last time I'd given him a hug.
It's surreal. I'll almost forget for a while and can actually be happy, but there's still a bad feeling in my gut and I'll hate myself for not being sad when I should, or I'll think of something and just want to cry again.
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He asked for your forgiveness......
Now this is a matter of you forgiving yourself.
You reacted as a child, as any of us would in any situation where we are repeatedly hurt. That bad feeling can make you feel very ill.
Here is just a simple little exercise....if you care to try it...
1. Each time a bad moment pops say ...I forgive...
2. Each time you feel guilt about not giving extra hugs and for anything you did or said...say, My Dad loved me, he forgave me BECAUSE he loved me.
3. Its not wrong to feel anger or loss or grief... or to even ask Why. it will take its time.
4.Make it a point to live and love as if this day may be the last day for you or others.

Dear child, I hope each day shows you a special memory of your dad that makes you cry with joy.
You will be in my prayers,
ColaBear
(MrsRoberta)
 
My sincere condolences to you and your family vergiss. I do believe your emotions have now reconciled with his spirit.

Tashah
 
Sincere sympathy here also vergiss. Hang in there.
 
I'm sorry to hear this, sweetie. Let me know if there's anything I can do.
 
I, too, am sorry for your loss Vergiss...

Reflect upon him in your furture endeavors and make him even more proud of his daughter...Take any frustrations you have out on your obstacles...And when you succeed, look up and return the smile...
 
I'm so sorry to hear that .My sincere condolences.I think your father also loves you.He blesses you in heaven.
 
Oh, vergiss, I can imagine how awful you feel. You told your father you hated him. It means that you care enough to even have feelings towards him. If you didn't care about him at all, you would have had no feelings and you would NOT have demonstrated any passion. Based upon the passion you showed him in December, he knew you loved him and that your anger was frustration in the relationship (or lack thereof) you two had. At 51, he would have that kind of insight.

Just let yourself mourn his loss. It's okay to be angry with yourself temporarily, but don't let it eat you up inside. Love between parents and their children is unconditional. Use this as an opportunity to realize that it's good to make peace with those who have hurt you emotionally even if that peace is done without saying a word to the other person.
 
Everything your'e going through is normal. It is not something to blame yourself about. Before he was loving, but he changed for the worse. You can't blame yourself for that. You might not have experienced this pain if he was never loving . My dad left my mom when I was born. From what I hear he didn't see me until I was 8 months old. As a kid I remember him never being on time to pick me up and always having to go to work on days he was supposed to spend time with me. He started to not pay child support and moved to California where I didn't see him for 5 years. His neglect had severe effects on me. I never had any real fatherly figures because anyone my mom dated any broke up with would become a friend. Its kinda odd how I still speak to my mom's ex 15 years after they broke up. I think its because I wanted a fatherly figure so much and was unable to keep one that I needed atleast something. I went throught my teens extremely depressed and hateful, but not as the normal, teenage kind. I would sit around and not talk to anyone and keep reading my Howard Zinn book and listening to The Smiths. And soon I realized I was bisexual which was just another reason for me to feel like my father would never love me. Then I made a breakthrough. I flew out and spent some time with him. I realized that I didn't need him. I envy the fact that you have a loving part of your father to miss. If my father died I might feel better.
 
I am sorry to hear this, I hope you get through this with as little pain as possible. This does explain a few things, i.e why you seem so angry, I hope you get some help, you could use a professional to get you through this, they really do help.
 
I already have a shrink, people. :2razz:

Thanks for all your support, guys. You have no idea how big a comfort you've all been. *hug* I never realised just how much I'd miss him. I'm starting to feel better, though, and I keep getting the distinct feeling that dad wouldn't want me to mourn too long - maybe it's his spirit telling me so.

I found out today that, totally surprisingly (considering he lived in near-poverty and wouldn't pay more than $5 a week in child support), my sister and I have just inherited over AU $50 000 each from his superannuation. :shock: That's... a lot of money.
 
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