Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

SheWolf · Sep 28, 2014

Lursa said:
And many girls are still brought up to defer to men and male decision-making. Esp. in religious families.

They dont learn to ask for what they want or need, not to mention that mothers are generally expected to sacrifice their own personal needs for those of their families.

I agree with this. It's a double standard to call a woman, especially a mother, selfish. It's the ultimate insult to suggest she doesn't put her children before her. A man can put himself before his children and wife. A man can get away with being selfish and childish moreso than a woman, but that also leads to negative stereotypes of men being dumb, idiot husbands who don't know how to parent.

SheWolf · Sep 28, 2014

That's how my boyfriend's household was. He doesn't get along with his father now, and he thinks his father is a selfish asshole. They don't have much of a relationship as a result. I feel really terrible for him.

tacomancer said:
This is mostly the form I have seen in people I know. The woman thinks she has some sort of social duty to the home and ends up being a shadow of her former self as a result of the indoctrination. It's sad because they end up thinking they deserve it. Those men also often operate as a bit of a father figure as well.

The saddest thing is I have seen a few leave to fall right in the same pattern with the next guy.

SheWolf · Sep 28, 2014

herenow1 said:
Not defending her decision to stay with him, but she was with him since high school... before the money even started trickling in.

There could be some serious codependency going on between them.

KevinKohler · Sep 28, 2014

leoborn said:
If you are not a psychologist, what good can you do except satisfy your curiosity? In the recent case, he knocked her out cold and could have killed her. What defense could he have used then? "She was taunting me, and I told her to shut up and she didn't?"

So....only psychologists can help others solve psychological issues? You might wanna rethink that, lol.

I'm not sure how the rest of your post applies to mine?

Bodi · Sep 30, 2014

Mason66 said:
That is kind of an odd bar.

It is OK for her to hit you but you leave when she has sex with somebody else.

I never understood people that think sex is more important than any other part of their lives.

She never attacked me when we were married... that kind of love occurred after the cheating. She was emotionally and psychologically abusive though...

Bodi · Sep 30, 2014

KevinKohler said:
So....only psychologists can help others solve psychological issues? You might wanna rethink that, lol.

I'm not sure how the rest of your post applies to mine?

I think that type reasoning is flawed. I was in Family Court against my ex and represented myself even though I am not a lawyer. When cross examining me about my ex her lawyer said that I was not qualified to talk about her having BPD and I countered with 'what is qualified? I am not a lawyer yet I prepared my affidavits, cross examination questions, etc. ' The judge baked the lawyer up and they are wrong. I ended up winning the case too, beating that idiot lawyer.

Removable Mind · Sep 30, 2014

People who are abusive can be chameleons in public.

Conservative65 · Oct 1, 2014

I don't see it as blaming her for being a victim but as a question of why she wants to continue being one.

KevinKohler · Oct 1, 2014

Removable Mind said:
People who are abusive can be chameleons in public.

More like, they MUST be chameleons in public.

Bullies don't bully in class...they wait until recess, when there is no teacher around.

herenow1 · Oct 2, 2014

KevinKohler said:
More like, they MUST be chameleons in public.

Bullies don't bully in class...they wait until recess, when there is no teacher around.

Which means they can control it. Throws these excuses out the window;

"she made me do it"

"I blacked out and didn't know what I was doing"

"Something just came over me"

SheWolf · Oct 2, 2014

"It was an accident"

"I didn't mean to hit her."

"She injured herself and smashed her head on a cabinet, because she jumped back. But I wasn't going to hit her."

"Look, I have a scratch on my arm from her."

I have seen a lot of abusive men create a victim complex for themselves. You would be surprised the excuses and explanations they come up with, but I have seen it enough to realize that many of them actually think they are victims in some way.

herenow1 said:
Which means they can control it. Throws these excuses out the window;

"she made me do it"

"I blacked out and didn't know what I was doing"

"Something just came over me"

Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?