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Has anyone started a family in their 40s and beyond?

slavablueberryjam

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Hello,
Going through a mid-life crisis here. Over 40 and no wife, no gf, no kids. I like to watch videos on kids doing something with their lives and pretending that those are my kids. Just to ease my mind that I am a 'late' bloomer(ideally).
I don't like the idea of dating 'young'. Only 5 year age gap. I want to have over 3 children. But, it's obvious the time is running out. Have any of you started your family in your 40s and beyond? What were your experiences?
 
I’ve had friends that have had “oops” babies in their 40’s. Not going to lie, the pregnancies were hard on the women. None were intentional - they all happened because perimenopause screwed up the wife’s cycle and “oops” here comes a kid - and they were starting over after their other kids were older and almost launched

I have friends that got married after 40 and are currently in the process to adopt and hoping to be chosen. I have had friends that have become foster-to-adopt families in their 40’s.

Conceiving babies in the 40’s can be difficult and risky for women. It is considered “advanced maternal age” and comes with increased risks for both the mother and the fetus.


There are plenty of paths to having a family that don’t require having biological children.
 
My father was 46 when I,his only child, was born. I lke to think it worked out pretty well for him. He was 73 when he died and lived long enough to met his first grandchild.

Good luck to you.
 
Sweden said:
My father was 46 when I,his only child, was born. I lke to think it worked out pretty well for him. He was 73 when he died and lived long enough to met his first grandchild.

Good luck to you.
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Ooh…yeah. My Dad was 42 when I was born. I was the oldest. My brother came along when he was 44. My Mom was a bit younger. She was in her late 30’s.


But my parents were married for more than a decade before I was born and together for several years before that.

(They experienced numerous miscarriages)


My parents were married more than 48 years when my father passed away.

They both lived until after my son was born - my father passed while my son was in the NICU, my mother lived with us for almost 5 years after that until she passed when my son was almost 5.
 

My dad was almost 50 when I was born. My mother's dad had my mother, aunt, and uncle all when he was in his early to mid-50s. It can happen.

Sorry if this is prying, but have you ever been married? I'd cross that bridge first. It's an adjustment in and of itself.
 
Not me personally- but I know several people who started families in their 40s and 50s. I have even heard of guys in their 60s doing it. 40s is not old, especially for a guy. And not sure why you are that worried about younger women. They tend to be generally more emotionally mature than guys their age, and are often looking for older guys. Don’t set artificial limits. Gauge the individual, not their age.

If a family is what you want, get out there and start looking and see what’s available. Sitting around and thinking, philosophizing, debating on an internet chat site, and lots of hand wringing is not going to help you.

There are dating sites for older adults. Go on a cruise. Join a reading club. Sign up for a ballroom dancing class. Take action and put yourself out there. You won’t know what’s out there until you get out there and look.
 
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I had my son at 38. My husband just turned 39 before he was born - so we were both shy of the 40 mark.

I actually love being an older Mom. We were in a strong position with our relationship (eventually marriage) and our financial situation prior to my son being born…and our intention to HAVE child(ren) was strong.


We struggled with infertility and eventually wound up using IVF to have a successful pregnancy - and that pregnancy was high risk and I spent months on bed rest and hospitalized and my son spent 35 days in the NICU and was born IUGR at 33 weeks of gestation weighing less than 3 lbs.

“Geriatric” pregnancies are not easy.

There’s a reason we are one and done and have frozen embryos
 
My maternal grandmother also had her last in her 40’s. That woman had 8 children and spent almost 20 years of her life either pregnant or breastfeeding.

I am boggled and sincerely impressed with her when I just think about it.
 
There are children in need of adoption. Or maybe consider foster parenting.
 
Not quite the same. Got married in my late 20's. Wife nine years younger than me. Kept trying to have children...but nothing. One of the reasons we came back to the States from living in Germany for six years. Thinking about medical fertility treatments. Suddenly, wife pregnant. I was 39 when my first son was born. Second son born a year and a half later. So yeah...I was in my 40's when I had my family. I have no regrets.

You, on the other hand, are in a real tough spot...mainly because of your age requirement. Women within your self-imposed age range are pushing the boundary of "safe childbirth".

In my opinion, at your age, having a relationship with a woman ten years younger wouldn't be a bad thing. But don't delay. Maybe you can do what my stepfather did. Marry a woman with four kids and then have two kids of your own. Instant big family.
 
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I’m a parent and work with children as a profession. My work with children is nearly as rewarding as my parenting and a lot less stressful. I suggest volunteering with kids - mentor program, coaching or at your local school.
 
I have never had a gf. So. no, no marriage before.
 
slavablueberryjam said:
I have never had a gf. So. no, no marriage before.
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IMO a strong, committed couple relationship...for at least a few yrs...is basic first. Emotions, needs, conflict, compromise, sacrifices...these are all things that should be experienced before getting them handed to you multiplied by kids.

Kids are a HUGE amount of work and much of it not very rewarding, day to day. It's exhausting, with little privacy (figure that one into its effects on your marriage/relationship.) And it costs a fortune. Overall, most people seem to think parenting is very rewarding.

I've carefully and successfully avoided it. At 64, no regrets.
 
Had our first child at 40 after years of wife and I travelling, living around the world, and leading the good life. Second child, I was 43 (wife is a little younger than me). Both young adults in their 20's now. Whilst I wonder whether we should have children a few years earlier, starting at 40 has not been an issue at all. On the other hand, starting in your 40's and having three children is imo getting marginal. Children need your time and energy. Usually in your 40's you are deep into your most productive career years, so that gets tougher. Two young ones always felt enough. Also, finding a woman in her mid/late 30 wanting to have 3 children is going to narrow your playing field a lot I expect. Maybe look for a partner who already has one or two younger children, with whom you can make an extra baby or two?

Here's a hint on making babies - my wife is a slender girl, and as our first baby expanded her body I spent day after day telling that baby that it needed to pop out at 7lbs. Not to big for slender wifey, but a good healthy weight. Our daughter arrived at exactly 7lbs. When wifey was pregnant with our son a couple of years later, I forgot the 7lb instructions, and the 'little' fella popped out at over 10lb's. Sorry wifey . Still not 100% sure she has forgiven me for that
 
Lursa said:
Thread killa
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Yeah, it kinda was. I don't approach women and I don't speak to women anywhere. Plus, I have a lot of unsettled trauma from women due to my childhood. They were exceptionally mean to me. My mom and sister(s).
 
slavablueberryjam said:
Yeah, it kinda was. I don't approach women and I don't speak to women anywhere. Plus, I have a lot of unsettled trauma from women due to my childhood. They were exceptionally mean to me. My mom and sister(s).
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Sounds like a good place to start on your journey would be resolving that trauma perhaps?

Having a family isn’t all sunshine and roses. There are lots of day to day minutia and sacrifices that can grind a person down…especially while raising young children.

You spend years - literally - where your life revolves around the needs of other people and set your own needs to the side. I’ve spent literal months where I have rescheduled my own doctor appts…time and time again because the day I would have my appointment would always wind up being a day where my kid woke up with a fever, a stomach bug, have school cancelled because of weather, a random thing at the house would break and I’d need to wait for a repair to be done, etc.

if you are still suffering from childhood trauma, etc…you should probably work on resolving and addressing that before wanting to start a family with anyone.
 
slavablueberryjam said:
Yeah, it kinda was. I don't approach women and I don't speak to women anywhere. Plus, I have a lot of unsettled trauma from women due to my childhood. They were exceptionally mean to me. My mom and sister(s).
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I suggest finding happiness with a person you trust and develop a healthy relationship.
 

I "inherited" an instant family, a wife and her two children in 1998, when I was forty-one.
Best decision I ever made, and biggest blessing I've ever had.
 
I was in my mid forties and my wife was in her late 30s when we had kids. It was great.
 
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