Do unfaithful spouses have a moral obligation to confess?

[cpwill]

Most people would agree that cheating is grounds for divorce. Every relationship needs to have boundaries. Cheating is simply a deal-breaker for most. I'm not sure why you are getting worked up about that reality.

Cheating is legitimate grounds for divorce. That does not mean that it must needs lead to divorce, and it is quite possible that your relationship will be stronger once you have both been through that fire. Joko is absolutely right to bring up your duty to provide your children with the best possible upbringing - to pretend that that is not a factor is foolish.

 

[joko104]

Cheating is legitimate grounds for divorce. That does not mean that it must needs lead to divorce, and it is quite possible that your relationship will be stronger once you have both been through that fire. Joko is absolutely right to bring up your duty to provide your children with the best possible upbringing - to pretend that that is not a factor is foolish.

In my opinion, if there are no children yet but children a prospect - by planning or accident - it should take little to break up a couple, married or not. Without children, divorce is little different from a couple going steady breaking up - other than legal and economic monetary expenses.

HOWEVER, once a couple has children all the rules change because those two parents have a duty to put themselves second for the legitimate best interests of their children. While it should not be hold the marriage together at any and all costs no matter how ABUSIVE, otherwise if two parents TRULY kept their focus on what's best for the child(ren) the produced divorce would be rare, even in the face of adultery.

The pro-divorce slogan of "children would be better off in a happier (divorce) home" is way over worked. For too many couples, it is not just whether they will put their children first but even there being priorities between child-questions and buying a new car - and the new car wins. It is not that "what is best for the parent is therefore best for the child."

Finally, I do believe that "adultery" does not happen in perfectly healthy marriages and usually is an evolved process. The horrific damage it causes to most is a MASSIVE blow to the ego. Yet, personally, I would feel more ego-damage if my children were gone.

Too often think divorce leads them to greener grass on the other side. Rarely it does. Most often, it leads to worse until the person ends up in a new marriage to someone else, no better or worse than before, with all the broken home, visitation, messed up kids and other divorce damage and residuals.

 

[joko104]

Sure, absolutely. If that was a fundamental and agreed-upon condition of their partnership in marriage, then I think violating that would be as big a betrayal as adultery. Furthermore, I'd absolutely agree that a moral obligation would arise to tell their partner if they violated it.

I don't see how that affects the question I asked, though, or the larger question of the thread. I'm not arguing that fidelity is the ONLY moral obligation in a marriage, or the ONLY issue that creates a moral obligation to confess if violated. Or even the most important, necessarily.

Our marriage is fairly strongly "unfaithfulness" proof for quite a few reasons.

First, we are people slow to jump into relationships. I was never in even a dating relationship nor ever imagined having one - until her. She also never was in even a dating relationship, because her ideal man was so specific and in some ways bizarre that no man was of any interests. So emotional temptations aren't likely. Most people compromise for the best they think they can have, overlooking shortcomings or falsely filling in the blanks of what they need in a mate. We didn't. Although totally different life styles and values we lived to, neither of us so much as dated because no one was worth dating in a sense of entering into a dating relationship to either of us.

We both are people that physically would be attractive to some members of the opposite sex - her certainly moreso. But our "demeanor" and "tastes" in sexuality are not typical, so again few other people would be attractive or more attractive than each other - and on the other side of that most women would not want to be in bedroom with me or with her. A lot. It makes me laugh to think of how it would go should some man ever gain her consent and then end up in a bedroom with her. He would have totally misread her by her appearance and outward demeanor.

We also have atypical views of sexuality in the context of relationship and faithfulness. So beyond the more than usual safeguards against "unfaithfulness" far beyond most people. If the green-eyed-monster could ever be a problem in terms of damaging or preventing a relationship, it would have happened before we married. While sex certainly is a significant part of our relationship, our relationship was not built upon sex, but devoid of it.

It is not vows and promises that make for faithfulness. It is ourselves and our basic personality natures. Yes it sounds bizarre and maybe decadent, but if she truly needed other men, I'd get some great ones for her myself. Why? Because that was what she needed. Does that mean I trivialize sex in relation to her and myself? Absolutely not. Rather, she is on a far higher pedestal of importance and worth than just for sex, then even higher as the mother of our children. What our children's mother needs, if I can I'll get it for her. Whatever that might be.

Over-simplifying, our marriage is not based upon sex and we separate sex from love. Sex is sex. Marriage and love are 1000 times more important. In short, in the unlikelihood of "unfaithfulness" I am confident either of us would see it as a curious development to adjust for in the overall relationship.

Short of real and continuing real and severe abuse, we both won't break up. That is not just both our values, I know there is not one person out there that is like or could match her. And I know from reading her journal there aren't many men out there that would suit her either. In a way, it is each our very different from each other's oddness that is our stronger marriage binder and greatest wall against any challengers and comers.

People too easily get into relationships and marriage, compromise on mate-selection, too much let sex make that decision, and then too trivialize the marriage they so easily stumbled into - and too many lack morality (REAL morality) when it comes to their children. People should not bend themselves while dating to win the other person, nor overlook traits in another person figuring in the balance they don't matter if undesirable.