WI Cripplers Guide to the modern woman

[rivrrat]

I just wanted to add a few things here.

My list of things not to say to the modern woman.....

1. Those dishes aren't going to wash themsleves...

2. Hold on, we can talk about it during commercial

3. Uh-oh, here comes the period monster

4. Those pants don't make you look fat, its the actual fat....

5. Your sister likes it this way (Note: This manuever is called the "Bucking Bronco. Men, to execute you have to be behind your woman, whisper this into her ear, and then see if you can stay on for 8 seconds)

ROFLMAO

I'll add a couple for ya... some things my BF is fond of saying:

6. Why don't you take that opinion and go bake it in an apple pie

7. Sorry, I can't hear/understand you when you're out of the kitchen

 

[americanwoman]

One of my favorites:

How do you turn a washing machine into a snow blower?





















hand your wife a shovel.:doh

 

[ARealConservative]

The general rule is that it took you nine months to gain it, so it should take you about nine months to lose it. I lost all of mine a lot quicker though, because I had an enormous amount of swelling in my last couple of weeks that caused my weight to balloon....I gained 10 pounds in just one week because of the swelling! So I lost all of the baby weight in a matter of weeks.

kids get much more mobile prior to that 9 month mark as well. I even lost some non baby weight during that stretch.

It gets more difficult with each kid I'm told.. On the second kid my wife was still feeling frumpy (her words, not mine) until 12-13 months later.

 

[WI Crippler]

You're okay--and if she's only got 10# to go after ONLY seven weeks--DAMN! she's doin' great.

I only said she has 10 pounds to go until she is where she was before she got pregnant... I never said she had to stop there :devil:

 

[Felicity]

I only said she has 10 pounds to go until she is where she was before she got pregnant... I never said she had to stop there :devil:

Apparently the extra cushioning didn't stop you. Take a bit of advice...if you want to keep getting the cushion...tired mommies want to hear how luxurious they are. You will get everything you want with only a little positive reinforcement. But EVERY stray comment that doesn't build her up will tear down the next five sweet things you say--even joking. Hormones and sleep deprivation are killer on a woman's self esteem.

 

[WI Crippler]

Apparently the extra cushioning didn't stop you. Take a bit of advice...if you want to keep getting the cushion...tired mommies want to hear how luxurious they are. You will get everything you want with only a little positive reinforcement. But EVERY stray comment that doesn't build her up will tear down the next five sweet things you say--even joking. Hormones and sleep deprivation are killer on a woman's self esteem.

Oh, she's not fat at all. I just kid with you guys here. I know I can't say some of the things I want to as a joke to her, because it won't be a joke to her. I guess women fat jokes=men's small penis jokes. Which leads me to my next point about women.

If a woman says "Its a nice size" that means its small.

 

[Felicity]

If a woman says "Its a nice size" that means its small.

So what does it mean if she looks at it bug-eyed and says, "Jiminey Crickets, Penisocchio! That sucker is MONSTRO!"

 

[WI Crippler]

So what does it mean if she looks at it bug-eyed and says, "Jiminey Crickets, Penisocchio! That sucker is MONSTRO!"

I prefer her to sound little uncomfortable at first( a little ow, or something like that), and then enjoying it the rest of the ride. I actually would rather have a woman catch her breath, and not be able to talk, than listen to some bitch yell and scream.....

 

[Felicity]

I prefer her to sound little uncomfortable at first( a little ow, or something like that), and then enjoying it the rest of the ride. I actually would rather have a woman catch her breath, and not be able to talk, than listen to some bitch yell and scream.....

Ooookay...TMI.:lol: :2razz:

 

[jallman]

I prefer her to sound little uncomfortable at first( a little ow, or something like that), and then enjoying it the rest of the ride. I actually would rather have a woman catch her breath, and not be able to talk, than listen to some bitch yell and scream.....

:shock: The flood of images that come to mind is just a tad disturbing...

 

[WI Crippler]

:shock: The flood of images that come to mind is just a tad disturbing...

Well maybe for your kind

If the ladies are put off by this they can pretend there are rose petal scattered around, and candles lit while the sound of the ocean waves breaking on the beach fills the room. Whatever it takes :shrug:
instead of the actual musty hotel room filled with the scent of cigarette smoke, and the sound of semi-tractor motors running in the background.

 

[jallman]

Well maybe for your kind

If the ladies are put off by this they can pretend there are rose petal scattered around, and candles lit while the sound of the ocean waves breaking on the beach fills the room. Whatever it takes :shrug:
instead of the actual musty hotel room filled with the scent of cigarette smoke, and the sound of semi-tractor motors running in the background.

You know...the disturbing images could have just stopped two posts ago.

Ocean waves, rose petals...

What's wrong with a cigarette smoke filled hotel room at a truck stop...

 

[WI Crippler]

You know...the disturbing images could have just stopped two posts ago.

Ocean waves, rose petals...

What's wrong with a cigarette smoke filled hotel room at a truck stop...

Its all for the ladies jallman. I personally don't have any problems with the truck stop hotels, but apparently they notice those things...

 

[WI Crippler]

Another area to explore. Shopping.

Guy shopping is very economical, straightforward, and decisive.

Womens shopping is random, time consuming, and irrational.

Lets show some examples of this.

Guy needs to buy some new socks. He goes into the store, buys new socks. Done.

Woman goes into store, looks at all the clothes on the way to the sock section, finds a nice pair of jeans or a few shirts that are just toooooo cute, so she has to have them. She takes them back to the changing room, tries them on. Maybe they fit, and she's happy or maybe they don't and now she has to ruin her husbands/boyfriends day by making him have to console her by constantly telling her she is not fat.
Anyway, in the former case she buys her new clothes and leaves. Then she goes over to the shoe store next door, because she hasn't been in a while ( 1 month ) and they might have something new. Going in she sees all sorts of shoes she doesn't have and covets about 75% of the shoes in there. Finally after about 45 minutes of trying on different shoes she finally settles in on a pair, and happily leaves the store with new shoes in hand. Now she has new clothes, and new shoes. Now its time to get some lotion from Bath & Body Works. Maybe somthing fruity smelling, or that coconut lotion she is almost out of. With new lotion in tote, she walks past the local SunGlasses Hut, and realizes she can't find her current sunglasses( on top of the refrigerator), so she buys a pair of those too. Now realizing that she has a new outfit, she knows it cannot be complete unless she has a new purse to go with the outfit. Now this is where her memory fails her, because she conviently forgets that she has about 20 purses at home, of which 4 or 5 would have to match her new outfit just by pure happenstance. Finally, after her purse purchase, she realizes she is tired of shopping and heads home to show off her new wares to her significant other, who doesn't really give a ****, because the game is on.

She forgot to buy socks, oh well there is always tomorrow.

 

[Stace]

Another area to explore. Shopping.

Guy shopping is very economical, straightforward, and decisive.

Womens shopping is random, time consuming, and irrational.

Lets show some examples of this.

Guy needs to buy some new socks. He goes into the store, buys new socks. Done.

Woman goes into store, looks at all the clothes on the way to the sock section, finds a nice pair of jeans or a few shirts that are just toooooo cute, so she has to have them. She takes them back to the changing room, tries them on. Maybe they fit, and she's happy or maybe they don't and now she has to ruin her husbands/boyfriends day by making him have to console her by constantly telling her she is not fat.
Anyway, in the former case she buys her new clothes and leaves. Then she goes over to the shoe store next door, because she hasn't been in a while ( 1 month ) and they might have something new. Going in she sees all sorts of shoes she doesn't have and covets about 75% of the shoes in there. Finally after about 45 minutes of trying on different shoes she finally settles in on a pair, and happily leaves the store with new shoes in hand. Now she has new clothes, and new shoes. Now its time to get some lotion from Bath & Body Works. Maybe somthing fruity smelling, or that coconut lotion she is almost out of. With new lotion in tote, she walks past the local SunGlasses Hut, and realizes she can't find her current sunglasses( on top of the refrigerator), so she buys a pair of those too. Now realizing that she has a new outfit, she knows it cannot be complete unless she has a new purse to go with the outfit. Now this is where her memory fails her, because she conviently forgets that she has about 20 purses at home, of which 4 or 5 would have to match her new outfit just by pure happenstance. Finally, after her purse purchase, she realizes she is tired of shopping and heads home to show off her new wares to her significant other, who doesn't really give a ****, because the game is on.

She forgot to buy socks, oh well there is always tomorrow.

Is that what your wife does? 'Cause I sure as in hell don't shop like that! I have MAYBE 10 pairs of shoes....and about half of those are flip flops. My mom just bought me some new clothes for my birthday, but aside from those, some underwear, and some maternity stuff, I hadn't bought new clothes in over a year. And purses? I carry a black messenger bag because it's got room for me to keep a couple of diapers, a small case of wipes, a burp cloth, maybe a toy or two, and my wallet, phone, and keys. And out of sheet habit, even if I go out without the baby, that bag goes with me. Gotta love not carrying a traditional diaper bag.

Oh, and lotion? Yeah, sure, I've got a ton of lotion here at home. Most of it's just Suave or Curel, etc., just the stuff you can buy at Wal Mart. I do love to have nice lotions, and each bottle I've bought was purchased for a specific reason...a lot of them were to help with the itching I experienced at night, and it took a few purchases to find one that actually worked for that purpose. Anyway, I've made a promise to myself to not buy anymore lotion until I've used up what I have.

Man, Cripp...us DP ladies are tearing down your stereotypes left and right, huh?

 

[WI Crippler]

Man, Cripp...us DP ladies are tearing down your stereotypes left and right, huh?

The ladies of DP are indeed unique. Prehaps it is why you are all here.

This is not my guide to the women of DP, just women in general. If it was I would have included a warning about better being ready to back up your assertions, because she's going to try and challenge you on everything you say :duel

You all seem to be strong, assertive women and for that I apllaud you all.

 

[rivrrat]

Another area to explore. Shopping.

Guy shopping is very economical, straightforward, and decisive.

Womens shopping is random, time consuming, and irrational.

Lets show some examples of this.

Guy needs to buy some new socks. He goes into the store, buys new socks. Done.

Woman goes into store, looks at all the clothes on the way to the sock section, finds a nice pair of jeans or a few shirts that are just toooooo cute, so she has to have them. She takes them back to the changing room, tries them on. Maybe they fit, and she's happy or maybe they don't and now she has to ruin her husbands/boyfriends day by making him have to console her by constantly telling her she is not fat.
Anyway, in the former case she buys her new clothes and leaves. Then she goes over to the shoe store next door, because she hasn't been in a while ( 1 month ) and they might have something new. Going in she sees all sorts of shoes she doesn't have and covets about 75% of the shoes in there. Finally after about 45 minutes of trying on different shoes she finally settles in on a pair, and happily leaves the store with new shoes in hand. Now she has new clothes, and new shoes. Now its time to get some lotion from Bath & Body Works. Maybe somthing fruity smelling, or that coconut lotion she is almost out of. With new lotion in tote, she walks past the local SunGlasses Hut, and realizes she can't find her current sunglasses( on top of the refrigerator), so she buys a pair of those too. Now realizing that she has a new outfit, she knows it cannot be complete unless she has a new purse to go with the outfit. Now this is where her memory fails her, because she conviently forgets that she has about 20 purses at home, of which 4 or 5 would have to match her new outfit just by pure happenstance. Finally, after her purse purchase, she realizes she is tired of shopping and heads home to show off her new wares to her significant other, who doesn't really give a ****, because the game is on.

She forgot to buy socks, oh well there is always tomorrow.

God I hate that crap. I mean, I really really do. I do have girlfriends that are like this and my mother is a "shopper" too. Personally, I HATE going shopping. I want to get in and out as quickly as is humanly possible. I despise trying on clothes. If I absolutely need to buy something, I most often grab it off the rack without trying it on. Shoes? If I could get away with it I would never wear them. I hate shoes. I'm a country gal, I wanna be barefoot dagnabbit! Stupid smelly, uncomfortable shoes.

But, this is why I can't go "shopping" with any other women. Because I'd want to kill them.

 

[americanwoman]

ahh, the shopping stereotype. I can relate somewhat to this one with the shoes but not much else. It's just harder to shop for clothes when your 5 foot and wear a size 3 shoe so it does take a little longer for me but just cause I can't find anything that will fit me right!

 

[jallman]

Another area to explore. Shopping.

Guy shopping is very economical, straightforward, and decisive.

Womens shopping is random, time consuming, and irrational.

Lets show some examples of this.

Guy needs to buy some new socks. He goes into the store, buys new socks. Done.

Woman goes into store, looks at all the clothes on the way to the sock section, finds a nice pair of jeans or a few shirts that are just toooooo cute, so she has to have them. She takes them back to the changing room, tries them on. Maybe they fit, and she's happy or maybe they don't and now she has to ruin her husbands/boyfriends day by making him have to console her by constantly telling her she is not fat.
Anyway, in the former case she buys her new clothes and leaves. Then she goes over to the shoe store next door, because she hasn't been in a while ( 1 month ) and they might have something new. Going in she sees all sorts of shoes she doesn't have and covets about 75% of the shoes in there. Finally after about 45 minutes of trying on different shoes she finally settles in on a pair, and happily leaves the store with new shoes in hand. Now she has new clothes, and new shoes. Now its time to get some lotion from Bath & Body Works. Maybe somthing fruity smelling, or that coconut lotion she is almost out of. With new lotion in tote, she walks past the local SunGlasses Hut, and realizes she can't find her current sunglasses( on top of the refrigerator), so she buys a pair of those too. Now realizing that she has a new outfit, she knows it cannot be complete unless she has a new purse to go with the outfit. Now this is where her memory fails her, because she conviently forgets that she has about 20 purses at home, of which 4 or 5 would have to match her new outfit just by pure happenstance. Finally, after her purse purchase, she realizes she is tired of shopping and heads home to show off her new wares to her significant other, who doesn't really give a ****, because the game is on.

She forgot to buy socks, oh well there is always tomorrow.

Other than the purchase of a purse, you just described my other half's shopping excursion...but left out one really inconvenient part:

Now that he has a whole new outfit, he simply must go out and be seen in it. This involves pulling me away from my CCCP night with my friends so that we can go to, not one, but two nice restaurants (one for drinks and appetizers and one for dinner) with two different sets of friends (his, not mine. mine are back at home enjoying CCCP) because he double booked the evening (probably because his head was reeling from the "fabulous new shoes" and he forgot that he called the first set when he found the "kickin" new shirt that goes great with that "sick" pair of jeans he found at nordstrom). Finally, the night ends with us at a nightclub with me trying to find what went wrong in the bottom of a pint glass while he torments every guy on the dance floor with a "please look at me, but if you touch, my boyfriend will kill you" attitude.

 

[Kelzie]

Other than the purchase of a purse, you just described my other half's shopping excursion...but left out one really inconvenient part:

Now that he has a whole new outfit, he simply must go out and be seen in it. This involves pulling me away from my CCCP night with my friends so that we can go to, not one, but two nice restaurants (one for drinks and appetizers and one for dinner) with two different sets of friends (his, not mine. mine are back at home enjoying CCCP) because he double booked the evening (probably because his head was reeling from the "fabulous new shoes" and he forgot that he called the first set when he found the "kickin" new shirt that goes great with that "sick" pair of jeans he found at nordstrom). Finally, the night ends with us at a nightclub with me trying to recover my night from the bottom of a pint glass while he torments every guy on the dance floor with a "please look at me, but if you touch, my boyfriend will kill you" attitude.

Awwww....you luv each other! :lol:

 

[americanwoman]

Other than the purchase of a purse, you just described my other half's shopping excursion...but left out one really inconvenient part:

Now that he has a whole new outfit, he simply must go out and be seen in it. This involves pulling me away from my CCCP night with my friends so that we can go to, not one, but two nice restaurants (one for drinks and appetizers and one for dinner) with two different sets of friends (his, not mine. mine are back at home enjoying CCCP) because he double booked the evening (probably because his head was reeling from the "fabulous new shoes" and he forgot that he called the first set when he found the "kickin" new shirt that goes great with that "sick" pair of jeans he found at nordstrom). Finally, the night ends with us at a nightclub with me trying to recover my night from the bottom of a pint glass while he torments every guy on the dance floor with a "please look at me, but if you touch, my boyfriend will kill you" attitude.

:lol: I love it! It does take some time to absorb your fabulous new shoes. I just bought the cutest sandals and now I almost don't want to wear them because they're gonna get dirty and they are much too cute for that. ah what a dilema! ...... what is cccp though??

 

[jallman]

Awwww....you luv each other! :lol:

True...maybe I am still a bit bitter about last weekend and that's why that all came out like that...

 

[jallman]

what is cccp though??

Cuban Cigar and Cognac Poker Night

 

[americanwoman]

Cuban Cigar and Cognac Poker Night

he dared to pull you away from that? :shock: ..on the other hand he totally had to be seen rockin his new gear.

 

[WI Crippler]

Speaking of dinner and eating out....Why can't you women ever finish a meal?? And when you don't finish it, why do you get a to go box, put it in the refrigerator and forget about for 2 to 3 weeks before you remember it and throw it away anyway??