WI Cripplers Guide to the modern woman

[jallman]

No problem....is there a term you prefer, in case I need to make sexually suggestive posts regarding gay men?? I try not to be too offensive

I'm sorry...I think my sarcastic humor didn't translate into the post very well. I was totally kidding with you...

 

[WI Crippler]

I'm sorry...I think my sarcastic humor didn't translate into the post very well. I was totally kidding with you...

Oh no it did. I was just giving you an opportunity to throw out some other sexually suggestive terms like "playing the meat whistle" or "stabbing them in the guts" etc... stuff like that. :2razz:

 

[rivrrat]

BTW, I told my BF about this thread and quoted few things you said in your original post, and he told me to ask you what your wife was doing out out of the kitchen anyway. :lol:

Wow, that is so amazing and insightful. So where did you go to college?? I've always been impressed by strong intelligent women like yourself.
So am I interested or not

You're full of shite, but maybe that's okay cause maybe I just want you to shut up and drag me to bed anyway.

Again I have never ran into a situation where a woman offers to pay. Well actually when I was in Australia this girl I was nailing did buy me a nice shirt, and brought it to my hotel room as a suprise. but I never asked for a shirt or anything. She just thought I would look good in it, which set off alarms in my head, because I knew I wan't hanging around for much longer. But I took it anyway, I figure it was payment received for the sex I bestowed upon her.

LOL I'm sure it was payment. I know I tend to bestow gifts upon my good lays too.

Believe it when I see it. Not you personally, but I know how women are in bathrooms. I can watch an entire show on TV in the "10 minutes" it takes women to get ready.

Dude... I can barely drag my *** out of bed in the morning. I hit snooze about 10 times before I finally get up. I don't have *time* to dilly-dally in the bathroom. Plus... no makeup, no fuss hair means no time needed.

As long as its all shared. but rarely have I seen a woman shoveling snow or mowing the lawn. If there's going to be shared burdens, it better go both ways

Having taken care of myself for quite some time, by myself, who the hell else was gonna shovel the snow? Or take out the garbage? Or fix the toilet? Or hang pictures? Or fix things around the house? Me, that's who.

Sorry, girl with big boobs walked by. Did you say something??

You sound like my BF. :lol: But often I point out the the girls with the nice racks myself.

Bah, where is the fun in that?? Take a jiu-jitsu class and choke your partner out or bend his arm until its at the point of breaking. My friends are instructors and have solved some of their issues this way, it works out great.

Actually sounds like fun. My current beau and I do wrestle around some though.

 

[Gardener]

I've never read such a depressing posting in all my life.

June Cleaver doesn't exist anymore? D@mn, just d@mn.



all it took for me, though, was lending her my library card.

 

[Tashah]

This thread is hilarious lol. Thanx for making my day Cripp. :2wave:

 

[WI Crippler]

BTW, I told my BF about this thread and quoted few things you said in your original post, and he told me to ask you what your wife was doing out out of the kitchen anyway. :lol:

Well I did have her barefoot and pregnant this last year, but she makes a decent wage working her job, so its kind of hard to keep her down when I need to support my newfound golf habit.

You're full of shite, but maybe that's okay cause maybe I just want you to shut up and drag me to bed anyway.

I'd have to club you over the head first. Nothing personal, I just have to be fair to my evolutionary history. I don't deny where I came from.

LOL I'm sure it was payment. I know I tend to bestow gifts upon my good lays too.

Interesting. So my accepting of the gift qualifies me as a man-whore??

Having taken care of myself for quite some time, by myself, who the hell else was gonna shovel the snow? Or take out the garbage? Or fix the toilet? Or hang pictures? Or fix things around the house? Me, that's who.

Hey you could have seduced some poor soul to do those tasks. But I applaud your independence.

You sound like my BF. :lol: But often I point out the the girls with the nice racks myself.

Usually if a smoking hot body comes across my field of view, my wife immediatly checks my face to see my reaction. Since I live in Wisconsin, its not much of a problem since women up here tend to be "hearty", but when we lived in Charleston, SC well lets just say my sunglasses may have saved our marriage.

Actually sounds like fun. My current beau and I do wrestle around some though.

Nekkid wrestlin' doesn't count.

 

[WI Crippler]

This thread is hilarious lol. Thanx for making my day Cripp. :2wave:

I am just trying to raise awareness, thats all

 

[1069]

I smell a Playboy themed spread

Really? What does it smell like?

 

[WI Crippler]

Really? What does it smell like?

Rosemary, sage, and Lawreys Seasoning Salt....

 

[jallman]

Rosemary, sage, and Lawreys Seasoning Salt....

So it's true...straight men's minds are always in one of two places...sex or meat. Interesting...

 

[rivrrat]

Well I did have her barefoot and pregnant this last year, but she makes a decent wage working her job, so its kind of hard to keep her down when I need to support my newfound golf habit.

ROFLMAO

I think he was sufficiently satisfied with that answer.

I'd have to club you over the head first. Nothing personal, I just have to be fair to my evolutionary history. I don't deny where I came from.

How did you know I like it rough?

Interesting. So my accepting of the gift qualifies me as a man-whore??

Indeed. But that's okay. A more socially acceptable term might be "boy toy". That's what I call my current beau. :mrgreen:

Hey you could have seduced some poor soul to do those tasks. But I applaud your independence.

Ahh... young padwan.... I seduce men to do the things that I am unable to do myself and might have to pay high dollar to have done. Why just today I was able to get work done on my truck for free at the mechanics just by be being cute and friendly. Every time I go there, the mechanics pretty much drop what they're doing and come to my "aid". My truck becomes first in line regardless of how many were before it. Sometimes it's nice having boobies.

Usually if a smoking hot body comes across my field of view, my wife immediatly checks my face to see my reaction. Since I live in Wisconsin, its not much of a problem since women up here tend to be "hearty", but when we lived in Charleston, SC well lets just say my sunglasses may have saved our marriage.

ROFL
That's a shame though, you two should share the beauty. My BF and I watch Angelina Jolie movies for the same reason... cause she's fricken sexy as all hell. We both share the "I'd do her" view. hehe

Nekkid wrestlin' doesn't count.

Damn! LOL Well, we may not always start that way, but we usually end up that way.

 

[Stace]

Well, since dating doesn't apply to me, I'm skipping that section.

Now for a few marriage tips....
1. Wedding day
Although you may refer to it as "our wedding day", it is actually her wedding day. You just "get" to be there. I have heard women talk about "their wedding" in reference to themselves. Guys there is nothing about this day that is remotley yours. Even getting tanked at the reception is not allowed. Even though you have slept with her for 2 years before you got married, somehow its special that she has sex on her wedding night.

Nah. It wasn't "my day", let alone "ours". We were too busy dealing with his sister and her son, and trying to get home at a decent hour since we both had to be at work the next day. See, we didn't have a big fancy wedding. Hell, we got married a week after he asked me to. We were going to go to the courthouse in Fayetteville (where he was stationed at the time; I was 45 minutes away in Goldsboro) so that some of his buddies could be our witnesses. Then he decided he wanted to go to Jacksonville so that his sister and best friend could be there. His best friend screwed us over so we didn't make it there in time. So his sister and her son tagged along with us down to SC, where we were married at the Dillon Wedding Chapel - we found out after the fact that that's where his parents were married! :shock: No reception for us. One day, we'll have a renewal ceremony and reception so all of our friends and family can be with us, though.

2. Living together
This usually happens before marriage nowadays, and I think its a good thing. You can find out some nasty habits before you get hitched, so you either have time to adapt, or get out.

Not applicable to us....hell, we didn't live together for the first year of our marriage because he was deployed 2 1/2 weeks after we got married.

Now, I recommend keeping a low level of managable hair because you are not going to have free reign of the bathroom anymore. Her personal maintenance time is more important than yours. I think this is the problem why Hollywood marriages don't last. The meterosexual men in hollywood probably get mad when they don't have enough time to redo their frosted tips.

Hint: Get a house with more than one bathroom.

I don't take a long time in the bathroom. I rarely wear makeup, and it only takes a couple of minutes to straighten my hair and brush my teeth. I prefer to relax with a hot bath at night, and that doesn't interrupt anyone 'cause hubby works nights.

Laundry-don't assume that women know how to work a washer or dryer these days. I recommend you check the lint trap in the dryer, since women do not seem to realize it exists. Also, if you have a shirt, pair of pants, or pair of comfortable underware that she doesn't like, expect it to disappear.

The only laundry my husband does is his work uniforms. I don't allow him to touch my laundry, because one time he was trying to help out by doing a load, didn't pay attention to what he was doing, and ruined a $20 pair of stockings from Frederick's of Hollywood.

And the lint trap? Yup, he's the one that doesn't know where that is. I'm even the one that takes off the guard and cleans out the lint that's underneath the trap, too.

Dishes-you have got a pair of hands the same as her, and since most people are using dishwashers now, it is your responsibility since it involves electronics.

We choose not to use our dishwasher. I wash the dishes the majority of the time, though he does pitch in every now and then when I've got other things to tend to. I also do most of the cooking.

Lawn Mowing/Snow Shoveling ( where applicable )- You kidding me, this is a mans job. We have always done it, and will continue to live up to the stereotype. Piece of advice- You are not allowed to stereotype her into doing dishes or laundry. Those are shared burdens. Lawn mowing, snow shoveling are not.

Not applicable to us, but if it needed to be done, I'd do it if I could. I've used a lawn mower before, I've used a weedeater, and I shoveled snow when I lived in MN. He's rarely even seen snow, seeing as how he's lived his whole life in NC, minus training at Ft Leonard Wood and Ft Benning, and his two stints in Iraq. :lol:

Silence is bad, the less she says the more trouble you are in. Don't try to make jokes, it only makes the situation worse.

This is true. But I keep my mouth shut because if I didn't, I'd say something I'd end up regretting. It's better that way.

 

[americanwoman]

I'd like to add on a guide to the modern man but I am afraid that may be an oxymoron. Here's the closet thing to the modern man:

A woman,lots of food, and sleep. The only thing that has changed in the last 10,000 years is now they have added football to their needs. :mrgreen:

 

[WI Crippler]

I'd like to add on a guide to the modern man but I am afraid that may be an oxymoron. Here's the closet thing to the modern man:

Nice. When I go to fancy restaraunts, I feel like a caveman myself. Usually because when you order a steak at a fancy restaraunt, the largest size they have is 10oz ( which is like, snack size ), and they usually have crap sprinkled all over it, that ruins the taste of flesh. Plus I just pick a fork and use it, not sure which one is for what but I haven't gotten weird looks yet. :shrug:

A woman,lots of food, and sleep. The only thing that has changed in the last 10,000 years is now they have added football to their needs. :mrgreen:

You see, men don't want to change...

I've always held the theory that if women did not exist, and men were able to somehow clone themselves, we'd still live in caves, we'd hunt, eat, sleep, and play some kind of game with a ball. We wouldn't give a crap if the guy next to us had a nicer cave or if he had the latest deerskin loin cloth.

 

[WI Crippler]

I just wanted to add a few things here.

My list of things not to say to the modern woman.....

1. Those dishes aren't going to wash themsleves...

2. Hold on, we can talk about it during commercial

3. Uh-oh, here comes the period monster

4. Those pants don't make you look fat, its the actual fat....

5. Your sister likes it this way (Note: This manuever is called the "Bucking Bronco. Men, to execute you have to be behind your woman, whisper this into her ear, and then see if you can stay on for 8 seconds)

 

[Stace]

2. Hold on, we can talk about it during commercial

More often than not, I'm having to say something like this to my husband. The man loves to talk while we're watching a show. Thank goodness for the DVR.

3. Uh-oh, here comes the period monster

The period monster's taken a vacation from our house. Fifteen months and counting...

5. Your sister likes it this way (Note: This manuever is called the "Bucking Bronco. Men, to execute you have to be behind your woman, whisper this into her ear, and then see if you can stay on for 8 seconds)

Ah, too bad I don't have a sister!

 

[WI Crippler]

The period monster's taken a vacation from our house. Fifteen months and counting...

Yes my wife just had our first child, and it has been relativley peaceful for the last year. I hear it comes back with a vengeance though......

 

[Stace]

Yes my wife just had our first child, and it has been relativley peaceful for the last year. I hear it comes back with a vengeance though......

I wouldn't know, not from personal experience, anyway...We're only on our first child, too. I plan on breastfeeding him for at least another six months (he'll be a year old then), possibly longer. I'm just glad that I'm one of the lucky ones that hasn't seen a return of the monster yet. A friend of mine, her daughter is about a month and a half younger than my son and though she's still breastfeeding, she's seen the monster's return. I've heard stories either way, though....some mommies say it comes back with a vengeance, others don't have many problems with it. *shrug*

 

[WI Crippler]

You know ladies, to be completely serious for a minute, I used to be this really nice guy. I mean really, really nice. And other than my first girlfriend, I really had no consistent success with girls. You know, just date one a few times and it would be over.
I was pretty nice like that until my early 20's. I even had a dry spell for over 1year where, not only did I not have sex, I didn't even have any kind of physical contact with a female( I was stationed in VA beach during this time period, and there are some hoes in VA Beach, no offense to Kelzie ). That was the breaking point for me. I watched these other guys just overtly treat women they had just met, in a purely sexual, piggish manner and it worked!! I just decided to quit trying to be a nice guy, and turned into the quintessential male pig stereotype, and it worked out great for me. I hooked up quite a few times after that, and eventually met my wife, who was the perfect vassal for my seed which she brought to fruition.
Now there is no turning back for me..... I have found myself.

 

[Felicity]

You know ladies, to be completely serious for a minute, I used to be this really nice guy. I mean really, really nice. And other than my first girlfriend, I really had no consistent success with girls. You know, just date one a few times and it would be over.
I was pretty nice like that until my early 20's. I even had a dry spell for over 1year where, not only did I not have sex, I didn't even have any kind of physical contact with a female( I was stationed in VA beach during this time period, and there are some hoes in VA Beach, no offense to Kelzie ). That was the breaking point for me. I watched these other guys just overtly treat women they had just met, in a purely sexual, piggish manner and it worked!! I just decided to quit trying to be a nice guy, and turned into the quintessential male pig stereotype, and it worked out great for me. I hooked up quite a few times after that, and eventually met my wife, who was the perfect vassal for my seed which she brought to fruition.
Now there is no turning back for me..... I have found myself.

Sorry--I don't buy it....anyone who can express their piggishness and their reasoning for it in such a way as you are here (especially being cautious to avoid offending as you did for Kelzie), ultimately proves the piggishness is not of his nature and rather an assumed persona.

However--the several references to the wife's baby weight is of a bit of a concern--baby fat is baby fat...now, if she's a pig..that's different.

 

[rivrrat]

You know ladies, to be completely serious for a minute, I used to be this really nice guy. I mean really, really nice. And other than my first girlfriend, I really had no consistent success with girls. You know, just date one a few times and it would be over.
I was pretty nice like that until my early 20's. I even had a dry spell for over 1year where, not only did I not have sex, I didn't even have any kind of physical contact with a female( I was stationed in VA beach during this time period, and there are some hoes in VA Beach, no offense to Kelzie ). That was the breaking point for me. I watched these other guys just overtly treat women they had just met, in a purely sexual, piggish manner and it worked!! I just decided to quit trying to be a nice guy, and turned into the quintessential male pig stereotype, and it worked out great for me. I hooked up quite a few times after that, and eventually met my wife, who was the perfect vassal for my seed which she brought to fruition.
Now there is no turning back for me..... I have found myself.

Good for you

I still think you're a nice guy. (from what I've seen ) Not to mention, fricken hilarious. My BF and I have both had some good laughs from this thread. I love a great sense of humor.

Oh, and yeah... the "nice guys" in the bars never got my attention. The guys who scored with me were the ones who were more upfront about what they wanted. I appreciate honesty. :mrgreen: (Plus, it lets me know that we're looking for the same things... hehe)

 

[americanwoman]

However--the several references to the wife's baby weight is of a bit of a concern--baby fat is baby fat...now, if she's a pig..that's different.

:2rofll: .... how long though does it really take to loose baby weight? For a 'normal/average' person.

 

[Stace]

:2rofll: .... how long though does it really take to loose baby weight? For a 'normal/average' person.

The general rule is that it took you nine months to gain it, so it should take you about nine months to lose it. I lost all of mine a lot quicker though, because I had an enormous amount of swelling in my last couple of weeks that caused my weight to balloon....I gained 10 pounds in just one week because of the swelling! So I lost all of the baby weight in a matter of weeks.

 

[WI Crippler]

Sorry--I don't buy it....anyone who can express their piggishness and their reasoning for it in such a way as you are here (especially being cautious to avoid offending as you did for Kelzie), ultimately proves the piggishness is not of his nature and rather an assumed persona.

However--the several references to the wife's baby weight is of a bit of a concern--baby fat is baby fat...now, if she's a pig..that's different.

I am not sure how many times I have mentioned anything about my wifes baby weight?? Maybe once?? And she only needs to lose 10 more punds to be back where she was before, and she had the baby 7 weeks ago, so I think she's doing just fine. She actually weighs less now than she did when I married her, so she is on the right path....

 

[Felicity]

I am not sure how many times I have mentioned anything about my wifes baby weight?? Maybe once?? And she only needs to lose 10 more punds to be back where she was before, and she had the baby 7 weeks ago, so I think she's doing just fine. She actually weighs less now than she did when I married her, so she is on the right path....

Okay--you're right...I was just mounting that "defend the home-girl" thing. We're sensitive if you haven't noticed. I guess you only mentioned your eyeing the ladies on you vacation and the "do these pants make my as$ look big" thing (a couple of times, though). That combined with the mention of the baby--you know--we ladies have to keep an eye out for one another--just gotta keep you in check before you go and make the love of your life and mother of your child feel like her man isn't pleased by her in some way.

You're okay--and if she's only got 10# to go after ONLY seven weeks--DAMN! she's doin' great. After my first, I was skinnier than before I got pregnant. With each kid--it took a little longer (I usually crest the 200# mark when in the "full bloom of womanhood":shock: )--then for me, the weight hangs on until I'm done nursing. Then it drops off at an alarming rate--I actually got concerned this last time (baby #5) that maybe I was sick or something. I lost 30# in like 4 months without doing anything. But i leveled off and I weigh about the same as I did when I got married. I think it matters as to what sort of shape you're in before you get pregnant as to how you lose it. I used to be an athlete in my younger years, and I think the muscle tone and metabolism carries over and helps when you're no longer the buff bod you once were.