Why Are So Many Afraid to Step Up?

[opendebate]

So this happens to me a lot and it always throws me for a loop. I was out in a large waiting room the other day, there were probably about 50 people there. An older woman, probably in her late 70's comes in and is having a hard time navigating her way through the room. She is obviously frail and tries to take a few steps only to wobble and almost fall over, she has to stop and catch her balance before trying a few more steps. When I first see her and it is obvious she is struggling I walk over to her and ask her if she would like some help "No dear, thank you, I'm fine...just a little dizzy (no smell of alcohol btw for you cynics) so I walk away and sit down again. She takes a few more steps then does it again and again. Eventually I get up and take her by the arm and help her to her seat. She is teary eyed and grateful.

Here is the part that gets to me. Everyone saw her, they were watching and doing nothing. Once I got her seated several people came up to me and said that was nice of you to help her, but no one else made a move to help. This happens all of the time. Why? Why do so many obviously care but do nothing? It's like they are afraid. Of what?

 

[Goshin]

So this happens to me a lot and it always throws me for a loop. I was out in a large waiting room the other day, there were probably about 50 people there. An older woman, probably in her late 70's comes in and is having a hard time navigating her way through the room. She is obviously frail and tries to take a few steps only to wobble and almost fall over, she has to stop and catch her balance before trying a few more steps. When I first see her and it is obvious she is struggling I walk over to her and ask her if she would like some help "No dear, thank you, I'm fine...just a little dizzy (no smell of alcohol btw for you cynics) so I walk away and sit down again. She takes a few more steps then does it again and again. Eventually I get up and take her by the arm and help her to her seat. She is teary eyed and grateful.

Here is the part that gets to me. Everyone saw her, they were watching and doing nothing. Once I got her seated several people came up to me and said that was nice of you to help her, but no one else made a move to help. This happens all of the time. Why? Why do so many obviously care but do nothing? It's like they are afraid. Of what?

Because we've spent decades creating a culture where most people are passive observers rather than persons-of-action. Not to mention everyone worries about liability and stuff, and thinks its an SEP (Someone Else's Problem... like someone in uniform).

Imagine what it could be like in 40 years if this goes on. People calling 911 for a stopped drain....



Annoys me too.

 

[sbrettt]

So this happens to me a lot and it always throws me for a loop. I was out in a large waiting room the other day, there were probably about 50 people there. An older woman, probably in her late 70's comes in and is having a hard time navigating her way through the room. She is obviously frail and tries to take a few steps only to wobble and almost fall over, she has to stop and catch her balance before trying a few more steps. When I first see her and it is obvious she is struggling I walk over to her and ask her if she would like some help "No dear, thank you, I'm fine...just a little dizzy (no smell of alcohol btw for you cynics) so I walk away and sit down again. She takes a few more steps then does it again and again. Eventually I get up and take her by the arm and help her to her seat. She is teary eyed and grateful.

Here is the part that gets to me. Everyone saw her, they were watching and doing nothing. Once I got her seated several people came up to me and said that was nice of you to help her, but no one else made a move to help. This happens all of the time. Why? Why do so many obviously care but do nothing? It's like they are afraid. Of what?

I wonder if there's some hard science on this. It's like when someone gets into a car accident, and instead of making sure they're okay, everyone pulls out a camera.

 

[clownboy]

So this happens to me a lot and it always throws me for a loop. I was out in a large waiting room the other day, there were probably about 50 people there. An older woman, probably in her late 70's comes in and is having a hard time navigating her way through the room. She is obviously frail and tries to take a few steps only to wobble and almost fall over, she has to stop and catch her balance before trying a few more steps. When I first see her and it is obvious she is struggling I walk over to her and ask her if she would like some help "No dear, thank you, I'm fine...just a little dizzy (no smell of alcohol btw for you cynics) so I walk away and sit down again. She takes a few more steps then does it again and again. Eventually I get up and take her by the arm and help her to her seat. She is teary eyed and grateful.

Here is the part that gets to me. Everyone saw her, they were watching and doing nothing. Once I got her seated several people came up to me and said that was nice of you to help her, but no one else made a move to help. This happens all of the time. Why? Why do so many obviously care but do nothing? It's like they are afraid. Of what?

For some it's because they can't be bothered , but still others recognise that some folks don't like to be messed with. When she said no thank you, that could easily be the polite way of saying leave me the hell alone and stop calling attention to me. Teary eyed and grateful could have easily been, now you've embarassed me and forced your will upon me when I was helpless.

A few years back I had a cast on my leg and I received all sort of unsolicited help that I neither wanted or needed. Didn't want to tell these kind souls to **** off, but it's what I was feeling.

 

[Goshin]

I wonder if there's some hard science on this. It's like when someone gets into a car accident, and instead of making sure they're okay, everyone pulls out a camera.

Yeah, appalling. I can remember when we used to be a nation of people who DID things, instead of recording things.

 

[opendebate]

Because we've spent decades creating a culture where most people are passive observers rather than persons-of-action. Not to mention everyone worries about liability and stuff, and thinks its an SEP (Someone Else's Problem... like someone in uniform).

Imagine what it could be like in 40 years if this goes on. People calling 911 for a stopped drain....

Annoys me too.

I also observe that one is often judged as naive or gullible or a sucker for putting a little humanity into practice or folding it into their politics. It's sad to me. I think our humanity is our greatest hope.

 

[opendebate]

For some it's because they can't be bothered , but still others recognise that some folks don't like to be messed with. When she said no thank you, that could easily be the polite way of saying leave me the hell alone and stop calling attention to me. Teary eyed and grateful could have easily been, now you've embarassed me and forced your will upon me when I was helpless.

A few years back I had a cast on my leg and I received all sort of unsolicited help that I neither wanted or needed. Didn't want to tell these kind souls to **** off, but it's what I was feeling.

I understand your point and watched for that. I waited until I could see that she recognized she wouldn't make it without the help. I can appreciate not wanting attention called to yourself and know you have an obligation to be sensitive to that. But at some point it's just glaringly obvious that the help is necessary.

 

[opendebate]

I wonder if there's some hard science on this. It's like when someone gets into a car accident, and instead of making sure they're okay, everyone pulls out a camera.

Exactly, alot of spectators and no one actually doing anything.

 

[clownboy]

I wonder if there's some hard science on this. It's like when someone gets into a car accident, and instead of making sure they're okay, everyone pulls out a camera.

People have rubbernecked since before the days of the cart and buggy, now they can do it and share it with their friends. Satisfies both the "Guess what I saw" and "look art what I found" elements of the human psyche.

 

[code1211]

So this happens to me a lot and it always throws me for a loop. I was out in a large waiting room the other day, there were probably about 50 people there. An older woman, probably in her late 70's comes in and is having a hard time navigating her way through the room. She is obviously frail and tries to take a few steps only to wobble and almost fall over, she has to stop and catch her balance before trying a few more steps. When I first see her and it is obvious she is struggling I walk over to her and ask her if she would like some help "No dear, thank you, I'm fine...just a little dizzy (no smell of alcohol btw for you cynics) so I walk away and sit down again. She takes a few more steps then does it again and again. Eventually I get up and take her by the arm and help her to her seat. She is teary eyed and grateful.

Here is the part that gets to me. Everyone saw her, they were watching and doing nothing. Once I got her seated several people came up to me and said that was nice of you to help her, but no one else made a move to help. This happens all of the time. Why? Why do so many obviously care but do nothing? It's like they are afraid. Of what?

I am often in a situation where I find myself capable of giving help and do so. It costs nothing. Well, a few moments. As I get older, I realize that I have fewer to waste, but I waste so many and for less good.

I am not sure why people don't do good when given the chance. It's an ongoing weakness of the spirit in our society.

"You say that you would give, but only to the deserving. The trees in your orchard say not so...

They give that they might live...

To the bee, the flower is a fountain life and to the flower, the bee is a messenger of love...

Be in your giving like the Flower and the bee."

 

[Cyrylek]

I don't know, you tell me.

At the time when I came to America (1985) it was most natural for me to offer help with carrying a heavy bag to anyone who is not a big strong guy, or to offer my seat on a bus to anyone who is...well, not a guy without any visible signs of bodily weakness.

Within a year or two, I was given so many angry lectures about "sexist attitudes" and so many "what are implying?" rebukes, I totally gave up: If they want me to have no manners - fine. Faking the politically correct churlishness shouldn't been all that difficult.

But you know, you get older - your anxious desire to fit and adapt fades away.

I do insist, these days - just as my Polish ancestors would - that I have to be standing until all the ladies in the room - or on the bus - are seated.

So sue me.

 

[Lutherf]

I also observe that one is often judged as naive or gullible or a sucker for putting a little humanity into practice or folding it into their politics. It's sad to me. I think our humanity is our greatest hope.

Our humanity IS the only way we can remain both free and functional.

Frankly, the situation you described in the OP is nothing new. I grew up in NY so I used public transportation all the time. I was taught to stand and allow little old ladies to take my seat if none were available and even 40 years ago I was quite often the only one to do so. The only real difference I see today is that now if I get up to offer someone else a seat some 16 year old with headphones will be the one to make a bee line for that seat.

 

[NoC_T]

So this happens to me a lot and it always throws me for a loop. I was out in a large waiting room the other day, there were probably about 50 people there. An older woman, probably in her late 70's comes in and is having a hard time navigating her way through the room. She is obviously frail and tries to take a few steps only to wobble and almost fall over, she has to stop and catch her balance before trying a few more steps. When I first see her and it is obvious she is struggling I walk over to her and ask her if she would like some help "No dear, thank you, I'm fine...just a little dizzy (no smell of alcohol btw for you cynics) so I walk away and sit down again. She takes a few more steps then does it again and again. Eventually I get up and take her by the arm and help her to her seat. She is teary eyed and grateful.

Here is the part that gets to me. Everyone saw her, they were watching and doing nothing. Once I got her seated several people came up to me and said that was nice of you to help her, but no one else made a move to help. This happens all of the time. Why? Why do so many obviously care but do nothing? It's like they are afraid. Of what?

They're not afraid.

They're just dicks.

 

[clownboy]

I understand your point and watched for that. I waited until I could see that she recognized she wouldn't make it without the help. I can appreciate not wanting attention called to yourself and know you have an obligation to be sensitive to that. But at some point it's just glaringly obvious that the help is necessary.

Yet still you meddled even after she told you no. I understand you have a kind heart and I'm trying to be gentle with you here, but folks of the older generations are less used to being the child raised by a village. Having a hard time getting to their seat is made infinitely worse by someone calling attention to their plight and then some stranger putting their hands all over them even after you've refused their offer of help. To heap indignity on indignity you then virtually have to thank the person for meddling, even though it was the last thing you wanted.

And I see how this neatly fits into politics.

 

[opendebate]

Our humanity IS the only way we can remain both free and functional.

Frankly, the situation you described in the OP is nothing new. I grew up in NY so I used public transportation all the time. I was taught to stand and allow little old ladies to take my seat if none were available and even 40 years ago I was quite often the only one to do so. The only real difference I see today is that now if I get up to offer someone else a seat some 16 year old with headphones will be the one to make a bee line for that seat.

Well that sucks.

 

[opendebate]

They're not afraid.

They're just dicks.

Awesome. Way to cut to the chase.

 

[opendebate]

Yet still you meddled even after she told you no. I understand you have a kind heart and I'm trying to be gentle with you here, but folks of the older generations are less used to being the child raised by a village. Having a hard time getting to their seat is made infinitely worse by someone calling attention to their plight and then some stranger putting their hands all over them even after you've refused their offer of help. To heap indignity on indignity you then virtually have to thank the person for meddling, even though it was the last thing you wanted.

And I see how this neatly fits into politics.

You always sink to the bottom CB. At least you are consistent.

 

[Master PO]

I don't know, you tell me.

At the time when I came to America (1985) it was most natural for me to offer help with carrying a heavy bag to anyone who is not a big strong guy, or to offer my seat on a bus to anyone who is...well, not a guy without any visible signs of bodily weakness.

Within a year or two, I was given so many angry lectures about "sexist attitudes" and so many "what are implying?" rebukes, I totally gave up: If they want me to have no manners - fine. Faking the politically correct churlishness shouldn't been all that difficult.

But you know, you get older - your anxious desire to fit and adapt fades away.

I do insist, these days - just as my Polish ancestors would - that I have to be standing until all the ladies in the room - or on the bus - are seated.

So sue me.

in america before the last 30 to 40 years, it was quit common for people to hold doors and help other people with things, when you saw they needed help, i remember it plainly back in the 60s.

when i was a boy, we used to go to bed at night with our doors unlocked.

america has turned more unfriendly over the last several decades.

 

[NoC_T]

Yet still you meddled even after she told you no. I understand you have a kind heart and I'm trying to be gentle with you here, but folks of the older generations are less used to being the child raised by a village. Having a hard time getting to their seat is made infinitely worse by someone calling attention to their plight and then some stranger putting their hands all over them even after you've refuseed their offer of help. To heap indignity on indignity you then virtually have to thank the person for meddling, even though it was the last thing you wanted.

And I see how this neatly fits into your political beliefs.

It's called common decency. Failing telepathy, one must assume that assistance would be welcome. To proceed otherwise is uncivilised. Any anger is thoroughly misplaced.

 

[Slartibartfast]

How do I know the old lady even wanted help?

Its cool to ask but uncool to ignore her response.

 

[opendebate]

I don't know, you tell me.

At the time when I came to America (1985) it was most natural for me to offer help with carrying a heavy bag to anyone who is not a big strong guy, or to offer my seat on a bus to anyone who is...well, not a guy without any visible signs of bodily weakness.

Within a year or two, I was given so many angry lectures about "sexist attitudes" and so many "what are implying?" rebukes, I totally gave up: If they want me to have no manners - fine. Faking the politically correct churlishness shouldn't been all that difficult.

But you know, you get older - your anxious desire to fit and adapt fades away.

I do insist, these days - just as my Polish ancestors would - that I have to be standing until all the ladies in the room - or on the bus - are seated.

So sue me.

I think a mistake of the feminist movement was labeling such gestures as sexist. We definitely lost out because of that call. My boyfriend insists on opening doors for me etc. and frankly, I love it. It is an act of kindness or a flattering gesture not an indictment about your ability to open doors. Just silly in my opinion.

 

[opendebate]

How do I know the old lady even wanted help?

Its cool to ask but uncool to ignore her response.

I did not ignore her response. She almost fell over and looked back at me with longing eyes.

 

[clownboy]

You always sink to the bottom CB. At least you are consistent.

And there it is, because you're hell bent that others receive your help (to make YOU feel better about yourself), no matter to you if they refuse, by God they're gonna get it. And if anyone calls you on your meddling you respond like a wounded bird, "but, but, I was just trying to help".

I don't suppose you can see that, but there's an old saying - some kinds of help is no help at all.

 

[opendebate]

And there it is, because you're hell bent that others receive your help (to make YOU feel better about yourself), no matter to you if they refuse, by God they're gonna get it. And if anyone calls you on your meddling you respond like a wounded bird, "but, but, I was just trying to help".

I don't suppose you can see that, but there's an old saying - some kinds of help is no help at all.

You are stereotyping because of my political lean and straining to see something wrong with my actions. It's just making you look like a callus ass.

 

[clownboy]

It's called common decency. Failing telepathy, one must assume that assistance would be welcome. To proceed otherwise is uncivilised. Any anger is thoroughly misplaced.

That's just silly and common decency is to ask first. It is the opposite of common decency to proceed after they've told you no. Some of us would rather struggle to our chair on our own without you.