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When is the best time to have the talk

tacomancer

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My oldest boy is starting to notice girls, but not a lot. So I am thinking about having the talk with him, however, I don't know if I want to do it too early and have a good bit of it go over his head as he may not have experienced the things I am referring to yet.

When, in your opinion is the best time to have the talk. What sorts of behaviors and attitudes did you look for in your child to tell you its time?
 

JustineCredible

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My oldest boy is starting to notice girls, but not a lot. So I am thinking about having the talk with him, however, I don't know if I want to do it too early and have a good bit of it go over his head as he may not have experienced the things I am referring to yet.

When, in your opinion is the best time to have the talk. What sorts of behaviors and attitudes did you look for in your child to tell you its time?
It really depends on your child's emotional age as well as physical age. If your son is 10, maybe an edited version of "the talk" might be in order. Unless of course he's "interested" interested. You know?

My son got "The Talk" at 14 from his Uncle, my brother. I felt it would be better recieved if it came from another "guy" than from Mom. And apparently it was...
My brother took my son out for a weekend lunch and all around "guy" day.
 

tacomancer

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What talk?
The sex talk.

You know, the don't be stupid and get yourself in a jam before you finish college and find a girl to make you happy for life talk.
 
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JustineCredible

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The sex talk.

You know, the don't be stupid and get yourself in a jam before you finish college and find a girl to make you happy for life talk.
Ok, the "make you happy for life" thing is relative. There are a few instances where even I think divorce is a necessary evil. Adultery without remorse, physical abuse and/or threats to physical safety, drug abuse without regard to recovery...and a few other life affecting issues that I won't get into here.
BUT...
Just to add, when my son turned 16 I did give him a case of condoms for his birthday. You think I'm joking? No, I'm serious.
I wrapped it and stuffed it in his dresser drawer the night before, knowing he'd find it that morning. Privately he came to me later and asked me about it, I told him: "Look, I'm not encouraging you to go out and have sex, but you're a teenager and I will not be one of those parents who hides my head in the sand and pretends you're going to avoid sex until you're married. At least I'm being pro-active and it's just my way of saying "If you're going to have sex, please do so safely and responsibly." "
He thanked me and gave me that 'knowing' nod...and a hug.
 
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MKULTRABOY

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The sex talk.

You know, the don't be stupid and get yourself in a jam before you finish college and find a girl to make you happy for life talk.
If your kid is smart you wont have to, just slip a hentai dvd and condom under his pillow and let him go to sex ed at school.

Thatd work. :lol:
 

tacomancer

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Ok, the "make you happy for life" thing is relative. There are a few instances where even I think divorce is a necessary evil. Adultery without remorse, physical abuse and/or threats to physical safety, drug abuse without regard to recovery...and a few other life affecting issues that I won't get into here.
BUT...
As a practical matter, its better to express the goodness inherent in a full relationship with love, even if that relationship does not last vs telling them, to go for it with a girl he sort of likes.

Just to add, when my son turned 16 I did give him a case of condoms for his birthday. You think I'm joking? No, I'm serious.
I wrapped it and stuffed it in his dresser drawer the night before, knowing he'd find it that morning. Privately he came to me later and asked me about it, I told him: "Look, I'm not encouraging you to go out and have sex, but you're a teenager and I will not be one of those parents who hides my head in the sand and pretends you're going to avoid sex until you're married. At least I'm being pro-active and it's just my way of saying "If you're going to have sex, please do so safely and responsibly." "
He thanked me and gave me that 'knowing' nod...and a hug.
My mom got me a case of condoms. Her smartass self also wrapped it in carebear wrapping paper, but thats my family for you.
 

Your Star

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To be honest I don't think it's best to have one big "talk". I think this should be more of a dialogue, and be more of alot of small talks throughout adolescents. The subject of those talks should be based on what you think is appropriate for him at that age, or what he asks. I say if he asks a question don't be afraid to answer it. If he's asking it he's old enough to know the answer. Don't act embarrassed, or nervous, just be matter of fact, and give him the truth, it will produce the best results.
 

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Fine, you got me. I'm sure 7 or 8 relationships out there in the world are loving, fulfilling, faithful institutions.

Odds are that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are not among them.
 

JustineCredible

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As a practical matter, its better to express the goodness inherent in a full relationship with love, even if that relationship does not last vs telling them, to go for it with a girl he sort of likes.
I totally see what you're getting at, but reality tends to rear it's ugly head in most situations, especially ones where you're convinced you've covered all the bases. Trust me...been there, done that.



My mom got me a case of condoms. Her smartass self also wrapped it in carebear wrapping paper, but thats my family for you.
LMBAO!!! :rock
Oh, so my having wrapped it in "Cars" (by Disney) paper isn't all that far off! ?
Something tells me I'd like your mom!:applaud
 

Goshin

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To be honest I don't think it's best to have one big "talk". I think this should be more of a dialogue, and be more of alot of small talks throughout adolescents. The subject of those talks should be based on what you think is appropriate for him at that age, or what he asks. I say if he asks a question don't be afraid to answer it. If he's asking it he's old enough to know the answer. Don't act embarrassed, or nervous, just be matter of fact, and give him the truth, it will produce the best results.

Holy cow, we agree on something again. That's like, twice now isn't it? Cut that out. :mrgreen:
 

Your Star

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Holy cow, we agree on something again. That's like, twice now isn't it? Cut that out. :mrgreen:
This is totally unacceptable. I've failed as a liberal :mrgreen:
 

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My oldest boy is starting to notice girls, but not a lot. So I am thinking about having the talk with him, however, I don't know if I want to do it too early and have a good bit of it go over his head as he may not have experienced the things I am referring to yet.

When, in your opinion is the best time to have the talk. What sorts of behaviors and attitudes did you look for in your child to tell you its time?
I never had any specific "talk" with my kids; it was an ongoing dialogue that started when they were pretty small.

Opportunities present themselves; I found it better to wait until they asked questions and then answer them as candidly as I could.
 

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Yeah, go for those teachable moments.

Usually it's something on TV or that happened on the bus which gets dialogue started. It was at different times for each of my sons. For the middle son, it was why his best friend at age 5 had to not come to kindergarten for 3 days because he touched a girl's chest.

I never had to plan a session.

Regards from Rosie
 

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I think Your Star, Rosie, and others have hit the nail on the head. If you set it up as "the talk," it will be horribly embarrassing for both of you. But, if you just have conversations along the line, and set things up so that he can come to you, anytime, about anything, than you can answer his questions about everything, all along the way, from drugs & alcohol to sex & dating.

Really pay attention to what he says, and ask a lot of questions, and you'll have a lot of opportunities to talk about this stuff. My daughter and I had a long conversation one night after she found condoms in her dad's car (we were divorced at that point) and was rather grossed out and traumatized by the idea of her dad using them. It just kind of happens, as long as you create some openness there for them to talk about anything at all.

One thing you need to do, though, is cultivate a very calm face to use when they are telling you something that shocks the hell out of you. My daughter never really started out talking to me about what she was doing. She started out telling me what her friends were doing, in about 5th grade. And then we would talk about that.

Try to listen about twice as much as you talk. If you respond emotionally, your kid will shut down. Just put on that calm face, let them talk, and then as non-judgementally as possible, share your thoughts.

So, when my daughter found the condoms, this is how the conversation went.

She told me the story about finding them. I said, "That must have been interesting for you." That started the blurt...and she told me how uncomfortable and grossed out she felt, and she wondered what he was thinking having those in his car. After she'd talked for a while, and I made non-judgemental responses to try and let her vent as much as possible, I said, "well, here is what I think. I think there are two schools of thought about sex. In one school of thought, you want to always be prepared, and you want to be safe, so you have a condom wherever you might need one. And, then there is another school of thought that says that sex is special, and that you should plan for it, and it shouldn't just be some spontaneous thing with someone you don't know very well. I'm more in the second category, but whatever you decide to do, at least your dad is doing the right thing by protecting himself."

Think about some possible non-emotional phrases you can use when he/she starts talking that will allow/encourage them to talk more, without asking a lot of probing questions that will embarrass them. And, try not to react too much. No matter what they say, try to be calm and thoughtful. You can definitely tell them what you think, but lectures don't work very well on adolescents. Just say, "This is how I do it, and I hope you will be similar," and leave it at that.

The other thing is...teenagers need some opportunities to fail while they are still at home, before they go off into the big wide world where you can't protect them. Failures are an opportunity to learn. So, while there may be consequences for failure, I'd encourage you not to overreact (or underreact). Just view it as a chance for them to learn something that will help them as an adult. It isn't a personal attack if your kid doesn't do things exactly the way you want them to.
 
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spud_meister

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Give him the same advice I got; "whip it in, whip it out, and wipe it".
 
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