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What's your first reaction when your spouse has to punish your children

Aunt Spiker

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I'll give you a scenario:

You're at your parent's house (or in-laws house) visiting family (Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - the whole shebang).
Your spouse and you are separated - in different rooms talking with different people. The children are running around playing doing normal children things. Then your spouse comes by your with your child in their arms, the kid is flailing and screaming and being taken out of the house.

What do you do? What is your likely first reaction?

* Intense need to know why the child is being punished: "What's going on? What did he do wrong?"
* Not viewing this as a punishment situation, but a: "Oh my gosh, did he/she get hurt!" situation instead.
* Being doubtful that your spouse is doing things the right or appropriate way: "Did he *really* do anything wrong?"
* Being confident that your spouse is handling things appropriately: "Everything's taken care of."

Do you follow-along - regardless of your thought-reaction do you go out the door with your spouse to see what the issue is?
Do you not follow along - your spouse is handling it, no need to get involved?

Whatever you do - do you communicate to your family as to what happened, why - do you inform or get them involved at all? *or* Do you not involve or inform your family at all?
 

tacomancer

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My wife and I tend to agree that the kids need to be punished before we it. Than we take turns so the nobody is the bad parent.
 

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Then your spouse comes by your with your child in their arms, the kid is flailing and screaming and being taken out of the house.

What do you do? What is your likely first reaction?
My first reaction would be to wonder where she found the strength to carry around a 28 year old like that.

Unless you are talking about my 10 year old, in which case I'd just be surprised since he's such a nice boy.
 

tacomancer

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My wife and I tend to agree that the kids need to be punished before we it. Than we take turns so the nobody is the bad parent.
Forgot to mention that both my wife and I are comfortable with each of us taking matters into our own hands if the other is busy.
 

MaggieD

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Since I've never had children, I can speak as an authority on the subject j/k.

If I saw my husband taking my kicking and screaming child out the door, I'd want to know what happened. That'd be a natural instinct. If my husband gave me a "high sign," I'd just stay out of it. I can find out later. I think it's reasonable to assume I could tell by my eye contact with my husband what was going on. And if he's choosing to handle it, well, God bless 'im. I wouldn't follow along. I'd get my "full report" later.

As to telling other family members what happened after I did find out, depending on what'd happened, I'd just say that hubby gave my child a much needed attitude adjustment. (That one's a little hard to answer w/o more information.)
 

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I don't have children but if that scenario played out. I'd leave it to him to handle the situation, he'd tell me later if need be.
And as for telling family. I wouldn't need to. If a child is being carried out screaming by a parent. Discipline is second nature, no one would blink an eye.
 
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lizzie

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Mama does the cookin - daddy does the whoopin.
Unless the children are all girls- then mama does everything, because she's the one who can see the bi*ch-in-the-making behavior and cut it off at the pass. Men, in my observation, are usually suckered by their daughters as much as women are by their sons.

Regarding the OP- when I was raising children, we both disclipined the boys, but DH was better at it than I was. I was a real softie for my little boys. Thank goodness DH was there to do the dirty work.;)

As for other family (grandparents, aunts, uncles etc), I never considered it to be any of their business how I raised my children.
 

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Yeah I can understand that. At fleeting moments I've often told my mother that I am sort of inclined to have a child, and that if I did I would definitely want a girl. She kept saying how she would have me wrapped around her finger.

She's probably right.
 

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confident that your spouse is handling things appropriately
Do not follow along - your spouse is handling it, no need to get involved
Do not involve your family at all

any other response and i would presume that one spouse did not trust the actions of the other to be appropriate
 

StandUpChuck

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Of course I'd ask what happened. Why wouldn't I?

My husband and I have similar parenting philosophies, and I think both of us try our best. But neither of us is perfect, especially when you've got a kid flailing around. Mostly, I'd be there for back up for my husband because it's a rare individual who doesn't get a little stressed in a situation like that, especially when family members are gawking and probably judging.
 

Andalublue

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I'd just check that the taser was fully charged and keep it ready to use on the rugrat or the first family ****er to so much as roll their eyes! Gotta lovely family get-togethers!
 

Aunt Spiker

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LOL!

Well - I don't know what I'd do. None of my kids have ever had to be carried out of my Mom's house over my husband's shoulder. so - for that to happen - they'd have to act unusually horrid.

But, generally, I trust my husband is dealing with it appropriately and properly. . . I wouldn't be worried - but interested in what happened, sure, and I'd find out later.

My sister's reaction to her husband when this happened last week, though, was:(to her husband) "OMG! What are you doing!" . . . and then immediately following behind them.
 

lizzie

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My sister's reaction to her husband when this happened last week, though, was:(to her husband) "OMG! What are you doing!" . . . and then immediately following behind them.
Is this the same sister who went to her husband's former employer to try and get a refund on insurance premiums?
 

Goshin

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I'd just smile and give a thumb's up and go back to what I was doing.


Really though, I've been divorced a long time and never remarried, so maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this one. My ex has always sucked at discipline, and still does. She either loses her temper and over-reacts, or else ignores things that NEED to be addressed because it isn't inconveniencing her personally.

I'm reminded when my son was about 3, about a year past the divorce. My parents took us out to a local restaurant, and my son really showed his ass, acting like an utter brat. I took him to the bathroom and beat his ass, put him back in his chair and told him to behave. Within 5 minutes, he was at it again, and earned a second trip to the bathroom. This time he behaved about ten minutes then started up again. I asked him "are you determined to get another whuppin'?" He stared straight at me and threw a spoon on the ground. I sighed and picked him up again, "whuppin' number three, coming up..."

I looked around a little nervously, wondering what people were thinking about us. An older couple at the next table were looking, but they were smiling and nodding at me in approval. :mrgreen:

Gotta love small towns.

(Three did the trick. He behaved the rest of the meal, and actually rarely misbehaved in a restaurant ever again. :mrgreen:}
 

lizzie

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He stared straight at me and threw a spoon on the ground. I sighed and picked him up again, "whuppin' number three, coming up..."
(Three did the trick. He behaved the rest of the meal, and actually rarely misbehaved in a restaurant ever again. :mrgreen:}
Some children are tenacious little creatures.:mrgreen:
 

Goshin

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Some children are tenacious little creatures.:mrgreen:
Yes, they are sometimes. Well, at 3-6 he was anyway... but I got him squared away. By the time he was in 1st grade he was a model student. Teachers now tell me they wish they had a couple dozen more just like him. :mrgreen:

Rule Number One: In issues relating to correct behavior, Parent Always Wins. :mrgreen:

Rule Number Two: Safety issues and open defiance are always dealt with immediately and decisively.
 

lizzie

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Rule Number One: In issues relating to correct behavior, Parent Always Wins. :mrgreen:

Rule Number Two: Safety issues and open defiance are always dealt with immediately and decisively.
Exactly!

My son has two little girls, and he's frequently told how delightful they are to be around. It's because he doesn't let them act like hateful little animals. There's a fine line that has to be walked when parenting- you don't want to break their spirit, but you also don't want to facilitate unbridled defiance.
 

justabubba

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LOL!

Well - I don't know what I'd do. None of my kids have ever had to be carried out of my Mom's house over my husband's shoulder. so - for that to happen - they'd have to act unusually horrid.

But, generally, I trust my husband is dealing with it appropriately and properly. . . I wouldn't be worried - but interested in what happened, sure, and I'd find out later.

My sister's reaction to her husband when this happened last week, though, was:(to her husband) "OMG! What are you doing!" . . . and then immediately following behind them.
and this may very well be why one of your sis' kids has behavior issues
he has learned to divide and conquer at an early age, pitting the parents against each other ... because they allow him to do that
 

Goshin

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Exactly!

My son has two little girls, and he's frequently told how delightful they are to be around. It's because he doesn't let them act like hateful little animals. There's a fine line that has to be walked when parenting- you don't want to break their spirit, but you also don't want to facilitate unbridled defiance.

Yup, absolutely. Children that have been properly disciplined, within a context of consistency, love and good parental relationship, are a delight to be around.

BTW, my son's spirt is anything but broken. He's quite a character, and pulling "practical jokes" on me is among his favorite activities, to my annoyance. :mrgreen: We engage in banter and horseplay, and in discussions he is free to express his own opinions. However, he knows when he hears "the Daddy voice" that instant obedience is required and expected.

At 14 he is a joy and a pleasure to be around, and everyone who knows him says the same. Really I'd rather do things with my son than anyone else I know.
 

lizzie

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At 14 he is a joy and a pleasure to be around, and everyone who knows him says the same. Really I'd rather do things with my son than anyone else I know.
It sounds like you do an excellent job with him. Kudos!
 

Aunt Spiker

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Even if I don't *agree* with my husband's parenting approach or if he disagree with mine (which happens quite often) we *never* disagree *in front* of the kids - so if that means we have to wait 'til night time to discuss "what we should have done instead" then we will. . . no one should ever 2nd guess a parent's decisions so openly - if it's an emergency it should be done in conversation out of child's sight and hearing.

Today the kids had Dr's appointments - all 4 - and they received compliments from everyone about how well behaved they were. My youngest two got wild once and I stood them in timeout for a little while, worked like a charm :shrug: People *do* look at me like I'm nuts when I do that in public - I've spanked in public and been verbally harsh - none of which seem out of place around here . . . but the time out thing - I don't know why more parents don't use it. (all be it - it is effective for my kids, not for everyone thought).

Is this the same sister who went to her husband's former employer to try and get a refund on insurance premiums?
Haha - yep - is her streak becoming notable. . . and for years I thought I was the only one who considered her to be a bit 'off' to say the least.

and this may very well be why one of your sis' kids has behavior issues
he has learned to divide and conquer at an early age, pitting the parents against each other ... because they allow him to do that
Absolutely true!
 
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BDBoop

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See? You don't need no stinkin kids! Answer was spot on, same as I'd have done. Of course I only ever had the one. Maybe we're both wrong. :(

Since I've never had children, I can speak as an authority on the subject j/k.

If I saw my husband taking my kicking and screaming child out the door, I'd want to know what happened. That'd be a natural instinct. If my husband gave me a "high sign," I'd just stay out of it. I can find out later. I think it's reasonable to assume I could tell by my eye contact with my husband what was going on. And if he's choosing to handle it, well, God bless 'im. I wouldn't follow along. I'd get my "full report" later.

As to telling other family members what happened after I did find out, depending on what'd happened, I'd just say that hubby gave my child a much needed attitude adjustment. (That one's a little hard to answer w/o more information.)
 

BDBoop

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They pick the damnedest times to find those boundaries, don't they?

I'd just smile and give a thumb's up and go back to what I was doing.


Really though, I've been divorced a long time and never remarried, so maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this one. My ex has always sucked at discipline, and still does. She either loses her temper and over-reacts, or else ignores things that NEED to be addressed because it isn't inconveniencing her personally.

I'm reminded when my son was about 3, about a year past the divorce. My parents took us out to a local restaurant, and my son really showed his ass, acting like an utter brat. I took him to the bathroom and beat his ass, put him back in his chair and told him to behave. Within 5 minutes, he was at it again, and earned a second trip to the bathroom. This time he behaved about ten minutes then started up again. I asked him "are you determined to get another whuppin'?" He stared straight at me and threw a spoon on the ground. I sighed and picked him up again, "whuppin' number three, coming up..."

I looked around a little nervously, wondering what people were thinking about us. An older couple at the next table were looking, but they were smiling and nodding at me in approval. :mrgreen:

Gotta love small towns.

(Three did the trick. He behaved the rest of the meal, and actually rarely misbehaved in a restaurant ever again. :mrgreen:}
 

lizzie

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Aunt Spiker, it sounds like you do an excellent job with your kids, and I hope they learn to appreciate it when they are older (if they have kids, they surely will :)) I say do whatever works and mold parenting to the kids you happen to get. They are all gifts and should be treated accordingly.
 
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