What's better for the children? (1 Viewer)

[vergiss]

I've been wondering about other people's views on this for some time. Divorce should never be decided upon lightly, but in many cases it's unavoidable. Imagine that two people are always fighting, despite attempts at marriage counselling - always sniping at each other, sleeping apart, maybe even having affairs. In short, they simply don't love each other anymore. Is it better for their children for them to stay together, or to split up? Which do you think would be more upsetting to the kids?

As I've said in other threads, I feel no grief about my parents' divorce. If anything, it should've happened much sooner... I feel much happier now than I did for years when they were still together. As much as the stable nuclear family is the ideal, what's the point if that nuclear family isn't stable? Furthermore, it seems that the sooner a husband and wife split, rather than fruitlessly dragging things out, the more likely they are to keep a cool head, rather than get vindictive and nasty - which is what really causes their children to suffer.

Of course, if one partner is abusive or an addict who refuses to improve... the question should be a no-brainer.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Imagine that two people are always fighting, despite attempts at marriage counselling - always sniping at each other, sleeping apart, maybe even having affairs.

Reckon the best thing for the kids is knocking that the Hell off. You can have problems and disagreements-- even serious conflicts-- with others without acting like spoilt children about it.

You're absolutely right that divorcing is better than subjecting children to this bullshit, but it seems like entirely too many people don't realize that "acting like a grownup" and "upholding your marriage vows" are options, even if their marriage is troubled and they've fallen out of love.

Of course, if one partner is abusive or an addict who refuses to improve... the question should be a no-brainer.

I'll give you this. I have a lot of sympathy for someone stuck in a bad marriage with someone who can't or won't try to make it better-- as long as they try to make it better themselves until they break it off entirely.

Rare damn thing, though. I've never seen it.

 

[FallingPianos]

its better that the divorce then continue fighting all the time, but its better to try to work out the problems then to fight. unfortunatly, thats only possible when both of them want to work it out.

 

[talloulou]

Reckon the best thing for the kids is knocking that the Hell off. You can have problems and disagreements-- even serious conflicts-- with others without acting like spoilt children about it.

You're absolutely right that divorcing is better than subjecting children to this bullshit, but it seems like entirely too many people don't realize that "acting like a grownup" and "upholding your marriage vows" are options, even if their marriage is troubled and they've fallen out of love.

I agree Korimyr. Obviously there are things that can't be worked out like physical abuse or drug addiction. However many divorces today seem to be about people simply giving up. I have been married since 1997. Have there been some hard times? Sure. But when we married we married for better or worse. Marriage takes work and compromise. Looking back on hard times from a place of contentment and happiness gives me a great feeling of accomplishment! Sometime it seems like breaking up is the easiest thing to do but honestly the rewards of staying together and surviving tough times are so great and you rob yourselves of ever experiencing that if you quit too easily.

Too many people divorce quickly and carry their baggage directly into a brand new marriage with a new partner. Eventually you just gotta work through your stuff.

I have also known people who agreed to stay together for the kids and then decided they were in love again after all and ended up staying together long after the kids have grown and gone.

Marriage is a roller coaster it works best if you commit to the whole ride.

 

[vergiss]

Let's say one partner cheats on the other, though... that's a deep breach of trust, and one which many, many people cannot recover from. Is keeping a loveless, adulterous marriage intact in any way beneficial for the children (who aren't half as oblivious as you adults seem to think)?

 

[talloulou]

Let's say one partner cheats on the other, though... that's a deep breach of trust, and one which many, many people cannot recover from. Is keeping a loveless, adulterous marriage intact in any way beneficial for the children (who aren't half as oblivious as you adults seem to think)?

depends....I guess on whether you can move beyond it. Some cheaters are like serial cheaters who will continue to cheat repeatedly. But most cheating is more symptomatic of something in the relationship not going right. If both people are willing to work through something like that it can definitely be done and trust can be regained.

 

[vergiss]

depends....I guess on whether you can move beyond it. Some cheaters are like serial cheaters who will continue to cheat repeatedly. But most cheating is more symptomatic of something in the relationship not going right. If both people are willing to work through something like that it can definitely be done and trust can be regained.

It can be. But often it isn't. My poll was based on when all other options have been exhausted, anyway. Fact is, some couples just don't love each other anymore despite their best attempts otherwise. So, what do you think is in the best interests of the children?

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Is keeping a loveless, adulterous marriage intact in any way beneficial for the children (who aren't half as oblivious as you adults seem to think)?

Depends. Was it adulterous once, and thereafter loveless-- or is it continuously adulterous? And... if it is loveless, do the spouses even care about "adultery" any more?

It is not good to raise children in an atmosphere of distrust and betrayal. On the other hand, a couple can come to an understanding regarding each other's indiscretions and still stay together. Even if the "marriage"-as-romance cannot be rebuilt, they can still learn to share a household again.

But I will absolutely agree that if continual betrayal is an issue-- or if the infidelity runs greater than sexual indiscretion-- than the aggrieved spouse is best seeking a divorce.

 

[Lizai]

My parents are split up, and although I miss my mom from time to time, my world feels much more... intact, I suppose, than it did back when they were in the same house and everyone was always fighting all the time. In fact, when my mom wanted a divorce and my dad decided to fight it, I remember thinking that it would be better if they did just make it official, just so that it would be decided.

Definitely split up. I can't imagine anyone who has been in that situation saying the parents should stick together, because even if they could behave civilly, there would always be a sort of tension about the house.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Definitely split up. I can't imagine anyone who has been in that situation saying the parents should stick together...

I think my parents' divorce was a good idea. I don't think either of them ever had any intention whatsoever of upholding their vows, and neither of them did.

The problem really isn't divorce. It's people not taking their vows seriously in the first place-- and doing the sort of things that cause divorce.