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Whatever happened to liking people for who they are?

Is this idea passe? Is it something nice people say to each other, but don't really mean it?

I've had people come and go from my life and sometimes I wonder how well they really knew me to begin with. It's the artificial outside bullcrap that people seem to focus on. Sometimes I wonder if I'm worth liking at all for who I really am, or should I just keep that locked up inside and make someone dig? What if nobody wants to dig for that?

I try to be a good person - a 'nice' person.. but what does that really get anyone, anyway? People often times will see what they want and disregard the rest. I know I'm not good or even nice all the time. I'm sometimes hard to get along with, demanding and sometimes just irritating as hell. I know this. When do I get to the point that someone sees this 'ugly' part of my personality and will like me anyway?

I know myself pretty well... the good, the bad and the ugly. I wish people would take the time to get to know me - all of that stuff that makes up "me". I feel sometimes that I don't really get to know others as much as I think I do.

I'm going to try harder to get to know people.... that's the only resolution I can come up with that I think is doable.
 

Alyssa

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Unless I am mistaken, you seem disillusioned with how shallow social interactions tend to be. Personally I hate small talk. It seems so pointless. People ask me, "how are you?" as if they care. They don't fool me. I know they don't. I've tested my theory by answering people honestly. You should see their blank stares. Their eyes quickly glaze over with boredom. Why the **** do they even ask? Because it's polite. :roll: I'd recommend keeping people at a distance where they belong. Most of them aren't worth the trouble of getting to know. But if you do find that rare gem- that person who is worthy of your friendship, be grateful. Eventually, they'll move on.
 

Mr. Invisible

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That's a good resolution to make, TGND. It seems that you feel that people don't know the real you and are just liking you for superficial reasons. That happens a lot in our society as it has gotten to the point where we don't actually care about the person, but rather we care about what they can do for us. Once you can't do anything for someone, they throw you away like an old rag. It really is a shame.
 

Gardener

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I like ya.
 

Bob N

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I think that most people experience this on a daily basis. Just when you think you know someone, you find out that you never did know them.
 

Lutherf

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Out of curiosity, if you want people to like you for who you are but you keep that part locked away how the hell are they supposed to dig it out? I mean, it's great to want someone to get to know you but if you tend to be really private about certain things a lot of people won't dig because they feel that it would be an intrusion.

I've got a sneaking suspicion that you may have a conflict between your professional responsibilities and your personal enjoyment. It's a tough balancing act when so much of your life is tied to career related issues and people but you have to make sure that you at least acknowledge that there is a balance that needs to be attended to.

My personal recommendation is to get involved in something that is entirely outside of work. Perhaps it could be a hobby or an association of some sort but it should be something that involves a small group of other people. Make sure that you prioritize this thing because it will be your opportunity to let your hair down a little. It's a matter of getting your personal sphere to overlap less with your professional sphere.

Just my 2 cents.
 

Gina

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I'm going to echo Luther a bit and say if you want someone to like you for who you are, you have to show them who you are. You are setting yourself up for having only shallow friendships. How can they take you as you are, if they never know who you are?

I'm a private person too. I reveal myself as I become comfortable with a new person and they with me. I don't want to burden them with everything about me before I know if they are just going to be a "Hey, how are you?" kind of friend. Though, there is nothing wrong with that kind.

On the other side of the coin, I do take people as they come, as they are. I don't want to change them and if they aren't perfect that's fine with me, I don't require someone be free of warts to be my friend because, gosh, I surely am not.

One more thing, I like people. I'm open to being friends with most people I meet until they or I decide there is no interest in it. I've made some terrific friendships, with some very difficult people, some deeper than others, but that's the way it goes. Not everyone can be a bosom buddy.

TGND, I'm not sure what the fine point of all that blather is, but it's good to recognize you don't have something you want and then go for it. Good luck! :)
 

tecoyah

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Why is it important to you?
Those who enjoy you for who you are will do so based on YOU...those that do not are not worth worrying about.

I find it a pointless gesture to change your life based on someone else...unless you NEED them to be happy.
 

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I think you need a good spankin'.
 

choiceone

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My experience has been that socioeconomic class is involved. Well-paid professionals with families have money, status, and social respectability, which embed them deeply in the world made out of them. If they lose those things, they lose almost all of the people they came to know by having them, because the world in which they existed was made of those things.

The person who mentioned hobbies was on target. When you do something that you like just as an individual, something not dependent on a lot of money, status, or respectability, you can meet people doing the same, and find a different world.
 

Wake

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There are bull-****ters out there, TGND, and there are many more than one might think.

It's part of the social contract, unfortunately, and if you don't get with the program you get treated badly.

Lies... deceit... flattery... all of it is the lubricant that keeps the machine of society going.

You can either take off your mask and be yourself, or keep your mask on and not be targetted by the machine.
 

Gardener

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I don't think licking people has really ever gone out of style TGND.

It's just that as you get a little older, you tend to do it a bit less often.
 

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I don't like dog crap.

I know what it is, I know that it exists, and, I know why it is.

I accept the reality of it.

But, it's not one of my favorite things.

If I see it on the walk, I go around it.

I don't stop to examine it.

I don't try to pick it up.

And, I don't purposely step in it.

People who want to be liked for all they are but are harboring a bunch of dog crap on their lawn .. well, the stench of it wafts out sufficiently to serve as a warning for most.

It doesn't matter if others have a patch of their own.

No one likes another's.

If people want to be liked, it is best they go about it honestly, and first clean up their mess.

If the mess recurs, as is reasonably expected, they need to clean and flush quickly.

It is one thing to understand that dog crap occurs.

It's another rather dumb thing to expect people to want to get close to the mess of others they detect from a distance ..

.. Even if it means they miss how beautiful the yard otherwise is.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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Ontologuy;bt2170 said:
I don't like dog crap.

I know what it is, I know that it exists, and, I know why it is.

I accept the reality of it.

But, it's not one of my favorite things.

If I see it on the walk, I go around it.

I don't stop to examine it.

I don't try to pick it up.

And, I don't purposely step in it.

People who want to be liked for all they are but are harboring a bunch of dog crap on their lawn .. well, the stench of it wafts out sufficiently to serve as a warning for most.

It doesn't matter if others have a patch of their own.

No one likes another's.

If people want to be liked, it is best they go about it honestly, and first clean up their mess.

If the mess recurs, as is reasonably expected, they need to clean and flush quickly.

It is one thing to understand that dog crap occurs.

It's another rather dumb thing to expect people to want to get close to the mess of others they detect from a distance ..

.. Even if it means they miss how beautiful the yard otherwise is.

I'm not sure how to take your dog **** analogy here....but for everyone else, it's not that I hide my True self, it's just that I've noticed I know a lot of "fair weather " friends.... which make me question who I am and who they really are.

I am somewhat guarded in life.
 

Lutherf

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Out of curiosity, why is it that you think people don't really like you? What is it that you aren't getting from them that would assure you that you were liked?
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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Lutherf;bt2172 said:
Out of curiosity, why is it that you think people don't really like you? What is it that you aren't getting from them that would assure you that you were liked?

It's not that I think people don't like me... I think it's too much effort sometimes for people to really take the time to really know someone. I have a few close friends and a ton of acquaintances. Most people are too busy in their own lives to really take the time to scratch the surface of all the things that make up a person.

Myself included.

I think the saying, "You don't get a second chance to make a first impression" says something about meeting new people. For instance, a lot of people when they first meet me, assume that I am "stuck up" because I'm pretty quiet (believe it or not). I like to people watch and listen to people... people have told me this was their first impression of me. Very few work past that and realize that I'm just socially not as open when I first meet new people.

I think I need to step out of my comfort level a bit and not sit back and watch as much and shrug off my previous "observation" mode of meeting new people... if that makes sense.
 

Lutherf

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TheGirlNextDoor;bt2173 said:
It's not that I think people don't like me... I think it's too much effort sometimes for people to really take the time to really know someone. I have a few close friends and a ton of acquaintances. Most people are too busy in their own lives to really take the time to scratch the surface of all the things that make up a person.

Myself included.

I think the saying, "You don't get a second chance to make a first impression" says something about meeting new people. For instance, a lot of people when they first meet me, assume that I am "stuck up" because I'm pretty quiet (believe it or not). I like to people watch and listen to people... people have told me this was their first impression of me. Very few work past that and realize that I'm just socially not as open when I first meet new people.

I think I need to step out of my comfort level a bit and not sit back and watch as much and shrug off my previous "observation" mode of meeting new people... if that makes sense.

Yeah, everybody's a little different in how they deal with initial meetings. I know that I had a hell of a time when I first moved to Tucson. I'm a native New Yorker and pretty outspoken so a lot of the time I'd open my yap about something and people would be really put off which shocked me because back home it would have been taken as friendly banter. I've had to dial that back quite a bit (or at least be more sensitive to when I'm talking to an anal retentive schmuck!) but for a while I was, like you said, spending more time observing and that didn't work for me either.

You seem to do quite well around here. You're well spoken and playful so I figure if you act that way in RL as well you should do just fine.
 

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It's not that I think people don't like me... I think it's too much effort sometimes for people to really take the time to really know someone. I have a few close friends and a ton of acquaintances. Most people are too busy in their own lives to really take the time to scratch the surface of all the things that make up a person.

Myself included.

I think the saying, "You don't get a second chance to make a first impression" says something about meeting new people. For instance, a lot of people when they first meet me, assume that I am "stuck up" because I'm pretty quiet (believe it or not). I like to people watch and listen to people... people have told me this was their first impression of me. Very few work past that and realize that I'm just socially not as open when I first meet new people.

I think I need to step out of my comfort level a bit and not sit back and watch as much and shrug off my previous "observation" mode of meeting new people... if that makes sense.

It does make sense. Just don't get too discouraged if it doesn't work right away. There are lots of total a-holes out there who only get along with other a-holes. You are not one, and thus, if they reject the more open you, try not to take it personally. That can be the danger of being more open. The rejection may feel more personal. Don't let it.

BTW, no one is perfect, but you seem like a naturally "good" person. Don't ever lose that.
 

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People are ok as long as your interests coincide with theirs. If not, they do what suits them, even if it doesn't prioritize friends. Doesn't mean anything, they are not thinking about you when they do it.

Don't expect too much of people, they have their own stuff to do elsewhere.
 
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