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What should I do?

Good Rev said:
The Good Reverend's dated some hotties that he was just not that into

As have I. I've dated some absolute knockouts that I didn't call back because they shared one simple, universal truth - they were all dumb as hell.

I guess I just differ from rivrrat. I've always thought you could create the spark. Say, like if a woman dresses the way she does in the other thread her and I were talking in. We could share common, passionate, intimate interests. Exercise or something physical releases endorphins which could spice it up. Maybe the dull bubbling and relaxation of two scantily-clad people in a hot tub. I couldn't imagine possibly giving up on someone so perfect for me because of some unexplained surge of hormones I may or may not get.

rivrrat said:
I wish that happened. Sometimes it does, I guess. But I have tried to will it to happen with no avail. One man in particular that I just wished upon wished that I could feel that spark with. He was a great friend, great looking, fantastic bod, ex-Marine, highly intelligent, extremely funny. But that spark just wasn't there for me. And no matter what I did, I couldn't just magically make myself sexually attracted to him.

That's another thing I don't get. What is "it" then? He looks good, he has a good body, is a great friend. What is this indeterminant force that states from the get-go that the person is right or not? I guess this is just me being so left-brained that it's scary. Logic explains everything I do, say, and feel...and the "spark" to me seems absolutely illogical. I'd go nuts if some unexplained "thing" determines how my love life goes.

Maybe that's why women are notorious for making awful decisions in relationships and being attracted to asswipes.
 
As have I. I've dated some absolute knockouts that I didn't call back because they shared one simple, universal truth - they were all dumb as hell.

I guess I just differ from rivrrat. I've always thought you could create the spark. Say, like if a woman dresses the way she does in the other thread her and I were talking in. We could share common, passionate, intimate interests. Exercise or something physical releases endorphins which could spice it up. Maybe the dull bubbling and relaxation of two scantily-clad people in a hot tub. I couldn't imagine possibly giving up on someone so perfect for me because of some unexplained surge of hormones I may or may not get.



That's another thing I don't get. What is "it" then? He looks good, he has a good body, is a great friend. What is this indeterminant force that states from the get-go that the person is right or not? I guess this is just me being so left-brained that it's scary. Logic explains everything I do, say, and feel...and the "spark" to me seems absolutely illogical. I'd go nuts if some unexplained "thing" determines how my love life goes.

Maybe that's why women are notorious for making awful decisions in relationships and being attracted to asswipes.

Either I feel sexually attracted to someone, or I do not. There is no way to make someone sexually attracted to someone they are not sexually attracted to. One cannot make oneself feel something they just do not feel.

The OP's friend may feel the same way towards him. She may really like him, love spending time with him, but just not have those sexual feelings. There's something to be said for companionship, I'm not knocking that. But at 17/18, that's really not all you're looking for. Hell, at nearly 40 that's not exactly what I'm looking for! LOL
 
Is that the guy in your avatar?

(ducking--- Just kidding)

I know you like the picture,.... does nothing for me.

:twocents:

That chick has got one of the best asses I've seen. You need glasses. :2razz:
 
That chick has got one of the best asses I've seen. :

Yeah,... but the dudes arm hanging next to it is attached to the same body.

Looks ilke (I would imagine) a ****ing dude doing a 'reach around.'

And before you ask.

Yeah, I've seen better!

823455.jpg


Katarina Witt
 
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Okay rat, help me to understand. For instance, what's the difference between "physically attracted to" and "sexually attracted to". I've never had one without the other.

I assume I'm not going too far out on a limb that "great looking" and "great body" is equal to physical attraction.
 
Okay rat, help me to understand. For instance, what's the difference between "physically attracted to" and "sexually attracted to". I've never had one without the other.

I assume I'm not going too far out on a limb that "great looking" and "great body" is equal to physical attraction.

I can find someone physically attractive, but still not consider them sexually appealing. There's a difference between beauty and sexuality. I assume from your previous posts that you are heterosexual. Can you not appreciate the physical attractiveness of certain men, though? Are you not able to look at a man and gauge his general attractiveness? His physical beauty? Does that mean you find him *sexually* attractive, though? Of course not. One can appreciate the beauty in something and not want to **** it.

Honestly, Gipper, it's not something I think anyone can explain sufficiently. It's just either something you feel, or you don't. I've always put it off to pheromones or something, along with a combination of other things. Seriously. There have been certain men that I've met that I felt an immediate and nearly uncontrollable physical lust for. A few women as well. They may not even be the most physically attractive person I've met. I mean, one in particular is still pretty fresh in my mind and I'm telling you that when he got close to me, it was all I could do to control myself. I knew nothing about him. NOTHING. I had barely spoken to him. He was attractive, sure, but I'd dated more attractive men. But his presence close to me just sent my body raging. What is that? **** if I know. I'd say in instances like that it was pheromones.

But just in general, I think it's a combination of things. And, I would LOVE it if we could figure it out. If there was a way to just make oneself fall for a particular person or NOT fall for a particular person.
 
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There is something I really don't get. Why doesn't she like me?

I'm not trying to be an arrogant toerag, but I'm a decent catch. I don't look bad, I'm pretty fit, I'm the smartest person in the school, I'm studying in Harvard, I play the violin, I'm understanding, I'm nice to her, I've helped her through a lot of s**t, wtf is the problem here?

The only thing I can think of is that I'm too nice, and not appealing to her because I'm not a sort of forbidden fruit...is that really it?

And if it is, why in god's name is society so f**ked up???
Get some confidence. Don't think of this thing as you would be so lucky to have her, more like you could both make each other happy.

Get the notion that she owes you something out of your head. You were a good friend and you were there for her when she needed you. That doesn't mean that she owes you a date or anything really, besides being there for you when you need it.

Alot of guys tell you that you have to pick on her and act completely disinterested. That's not always the case. You just shouldn't act overly interested. Don't try to force yourself into a bf's role before you're dating her. Don't tend to her every need, Don't drop everything at her request. Still be a friend but not a servant.

Make her aware that you have friends and relationships outside of your friendship with her. Get any idea that you're infatuated with her out of her head. Talk about other girls around her, not in a vulgar sense, but just as passing comments. Could even try telling her something like there's a girl at harvard that you met that reminds you of her. See how she reacts.

After a while when a good opportunity comes up, ask her pretty plainly if she's ever thought about you two being together and if she ever think that could happen. If she says no then just forget about it. Maybe she'll change her mind down the road, not very likely though, but she'll be more inclined to do it if you get the notion of ya'll dating out of your head and treat her as the friend that she is. Don't fret over it or hang over her every word. Meet other girls, enjoy life.
 
Well rat, thanks for trying. I could probably say something like "I think that guy would be attractive" but I'd always toss in the caveat if I was a chick.

And if the rest of what you say is true, I'm just gonna grab my leisure suit and Old Spice and track you down. You'll be putty in my hands.

Awww yeah.
 
Crap...her boyfriend is leaving in two days I think ( the date he leaves might have changed). What should I do? I'm obviously not going to make any moves, but there is a big change she is going to come to me for emotional support...what should I say and do???
 
Crap...her boyfriend is leaving in two days I think ( the date he leaves might have changed). What should I do? I'm obviously not going to make any moves, but there is a big change she is going to come to me for emotional support...what should I say and do???

Bud, I feel for you, I do. Been there, done that.

Most of the people here, most of whom have a lot more experience with romance, are telling you in various ways this is not going to work out, you need to drop her and move on.

I know you don't want to hear that, but it is the truth.
 
Okay, about this time last year, I started to get to know this girl better. Now, she and I are great friends, and we talk practically every day, and its not just a shallow relationship, its a friendship which will last our entire lives. The problem is I absolutely love her. She loves me as well, but like a brother I guess, not someone she would date. And on top of this, she knows I like her.

This girl just graduated, but she is going to a community college. She is in a relationship that ends June 24th, when her boyfriend moves to LA for college. Despite her graduating, I will see her plenty of times next year.

Right now, I just got back for another summer course at Harvard. I talked with her for about an hour today, but she told me she wants me to talk to her less because she wants me to do good in my classes here at Harvard.

I really don't know what to do, but I know when I get back home, she and I have a movie marathon planned. She calls it a hot guy marathon, I call it an action movie marathon. Either way, I'm going to be spending a few hours at her house, watching movies.

My parents both think shes great, so I don't have to worry about them fussing over me going out with her, and her parents love me, so she won't have that problem either. On top of that, her younger sister and I are moderately good friends, and I'm really good friends with both of her brothers, one of whom is 19 and the other is 16.

More then once, she has told me she wants to impress me, and I don't know whether to believe this, but one of her other friends said she considered dating me earlier in the year, before she was with her current boyfriend.

I really don't know what to do about this...I care for her, but she doesn't care about me in the same way. I'd really appreciate any help, this is eating my alive from the inside out :(

My advice is go to college, and forget about her.
 
Bud, I feel for you, I do. Been there, done that.

Most of the people here, most of whom have a lot more experience with romance, are telling you in various ways this is not going to work out, you need to drop her and move on.

I know you don't want to hear that, but it is the truth.

I understand that perfectly, but I'm not going to just leave her. Everything else aside, she is still my friend, and I'm not just going to bail on her if she needs help
 
I understand that perfectly, but I'm not going to just leave her. Everything else aside, she is still my friend, and I'm not just going to bail on her if she needs help

There's nothing wrong with being friendly, but if you can't stop yourself from thinking about her as more than a friend, it's best for both of you that you make an effort to detach yourself.

If she's so into this boyfriend that she's going to be a weepy mess when he leaves, I think that's a sign.
 
OK, I'm assuming that you're looking for answers rather than sympathy, so I'm just going to be brutally honest here:

There is something I really don't get. Why doesn't she like me?

I'm not trying to be an arrogant toerag, but I'm a decent catch. I don't look bad, I'm pretty fit, I'm the smartest person in the school, I'm studying in Harvard, I play the violin, I'm understanding, I'm nice to her, I've helped her through a lot of s**t, wtf is the problem here?

The fact that you are even asking this question is what the problem is. The fact that you are beating yourself up asking "Why doesn't she like me?" is in all probability EXACTLY why she doesn't like you. Chicks are attracted to confidence, not *****-ness. Believe me, I've been there and I've thought exactly the same thing. Save yourself the heartache and move on. If she isn't attracted to you, she isn't attracted to you and probably never will be. Don't assume that you've done something wrong.

repeter said:
The only thing I can think of is that I'm too nice, and not appealing to her because I'm not a sort of forbidden fruit...is that really it?

Essentially, yes. But again from personal experience, don't convince yourself that you're "too nice," because it makes you sound like a martyr, like you're somehow doing her a favor by pining over her instead of being up front about your feelings. Replace "too nice" with "not confident enough." You sound like you're basically one of her girl friends who happens to have a penis. Most chicks (with a few exceptions) don't want that.

repeter said:
And if it is, why in god's name is society so f**ked up???

Again, don't try to be a martyr, like you're a "nice guy" because you didn't pursue her and that you'd be a "jerk" if you did. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't reciprocate, move on. Completely move on. That means don't be her friend and don't make her feel sorry for you. Is that acting like a "jerk"? Yeah, a little. Sometimes you need to be a jerk for your own peace of mind. I promise you, she will get over it.

When I was in college, I spent YEARS convincing myself that chicks were only interested in assholes, and I was a "nice guy." It didn't do me a damn bit of good, it just made me feel sorry for myself. Want to know why chicks are attracted to guys you might consider assholes? It's not because they're assholes; it's because they actually have the confidence to make their intentions clear, and they don't agonize over why girls aren't attracted to them.

Sorry if this came across as harsh; this is just a subject I know well from years and years of depression and loneliness. Don't put yourself through that.
 
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Crap...her boyfriend is leaving in two days I think ( the date he leaves might have changed). What should I do? I'm obviously not going to make any moves, but there is a big change she is going to come to me for emotional support...what should I say and do???

Why aren't you going to make a move? If she can come to you for emotional support via telephone/internet, why can't you do the same for her?
 
Why aren't you going to make a move? If she can come to you for emotional support via telephone/internet, why can't you do the same for her?

I meant i won't make a move yet. I'm going to do everything in my power to make the movie marathon we're having jst her and me, and then I'm going to make a move. If she doesn't want to be with me, then I'll be too busy with all the stuff I'm doing to have time to let it hurt.
 
There is something I really don't get. Why doesn't she like me?

I'm not trying to be an arrogant toerag, but I'm a decent catch. I don't look bad, I'm pretty fit, I'm the smartest person in the school, I'm studying in Harvard, I play the violin, I'm understanding, I'm nice to her, I've helped her through a lot of s**t, wtf is the problem here?

The only thing I can think of is that I'm too nice, and not appealing to her because I'm not a sort of forbidden fruit...is that really it?

And if it is, why in god's name is society so f**ked up???


Dude, you're not studying at Harvard, you're taking a summer course there. Do not confuse that with being an actual Harvard student. If you mention it to her as many times as you've mentioned it in this thread, no wonder she doesn't want to be around you much this summer. I almost hung myself by page # 4

So society is screwed up because some chick with a boy friend just isn't into you? Please. It's like that thread when you blamed George Bush because the "moron" students were holding you back in school. A few clues have been handed to you. Grab one of them and move on.
 
Pardon me but HELL no!

Do NOT follow your heart. Your heart doesn't think about anything but what it wants, not whether what it wants is attainable or good for you. You can LISTEN to it, but the brain makes the final call.

I followed my "heart" once, when my brain was saying "No no no no!" Three years later I was broken-hearted and divorced with a 2 year old to take care of by myself. A dozen years have passed and I've been so busy being a single Dad that I have never remarried and haven't really dated all that much. Nor have I managed to come as far in terms of career or financial situation as I would have liked. I've been too busy.

In one sense I don't regret it, because my son is worth all the world to me. But buddy, don't think there haven't been times that I would love to go back in a time machine, kick my own ass, and tell my younger self to open my eyes and use my brain, and spare myself some of the worst whiplash-of-the-heart imaginable.

Your heart doesn't know ****.

Use your brain. It's there for a reason. Realize that the odds of this working out well for you are slim, and that if you don't keep your eyes open and be realistic instead of hopelessly romantic that you're probably headed for the kind of heartbreak that can derail your life for years.

ALWAYS use your brain, that's what it is there for. Love is not always enough.

Yep, listen to this advice.

Logic is always sounder than emotion.
 
Unfortunately. I never thought I'd actually end up liking her as much as I do, I just thought it was lust.

OK, you've already invested far too much time in this girl without telling her how you feel. When is your movie thingie with her? If it's not until the end of the summer, you need to make a move sooner and tell her how you feel NOW. Otherwise, you aren't going to think about anything else for the rest of the summer. You've already let this drag on for far too long.

If she isn't interested, try to find some other chick this summer (actually, maybe you should do that anyway). It's a perfect opportunity to practice flirting. Boston is a college town, so there are plenty of available chicks...and since you aren't going to see any of them after this summer anyway, you don't need to feel any pressure or care what they think of you.
 
Here, let's have my good friend Randall Munroe at XKCD explain this. Please don't be this guy:

friends.png
 


More studying at Harvard references! :doh: This boy is in 11th grade. I don't get why he needs to misrepresent himself as a college man. He's a boy in high school doing a summer program in Cambridge. This kid's problem isn't that he's too much of a "nice guy." It's that he's a bullsh*tter. http://www.debatepolitics.com/educa...em-setting-kids-up-fail-2.html#post1058392446
 
More studying at Harvard references! :doh: This boy is in 11th grade. I don't get why he needs to misrepresent himself as a college man. He's a boy in high school doing a summer program in Cambridge. This kid's problem isn't that he's too much of a "nice guy." It's that he's a bullsh*tter. http://www.debatepolitics.com/educa...em-setting-kids-up-fail-2.html#post1058392446

I'm taking a college course at Harvard for 7 weeks alongside undergrads and grads from colleges around the world including Harvard. Yes, I'm in high school, but don't belittle me.
 
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