What is your reaction to the woman in this article?

[SDET]

In the spirit of adding my own commentary, I will say this: This reminds me of an old friend who picked up on a similar mentality from his wife back when his kids were still in middle school. What did he do? He started using his retirement fund to spoil his kids. Then when his kids were in high school, he was between jobs and collected unemployment as long as the law allowed. He stopped trying to stay in information technology professional, instead buying non-running cars, fixing them and re-selling them. He made sure by the time his kids were of age that he was broke and with minimal earning power. He planned this for something like ten years. He spent everything and wrecked his career so his wife would get zilch. Then he divorced her and set his kids up to dislike his now ex-wife.

Certainly there has to be an easier path for a man not to be exploited by a crappy wife.

To see him well-rested, in good moods and getting promotions at work should have made me happy. But instead, I was pissed. His good fortune was happening at my expense.

I Didn't Love My Husband As Much Once We Had Kids | YourTango

Woman reveals becoming a mother-of-two has made her love her spouse 'less' | Daily Mail Online

 

[Josie]

In the spirit of adding my own commentary, I will say this: This reminds me of an old friend who picked up on a similar mentality from his wife back when his kids were still in middle school. What did he do? He started using his retirement fund to spoil his kids. Then when his kids were in high school, he was between jobs and collected unemployment as long as the law allowed. He stopped trying to stay in information technology professional, instead buying non-running cars, fixing them and re-selling them. He made sure by the time his kids were of age that he was broke and with minimal earning power. He planned this for something like ten years. He spent everything and wrecked his career so his wife would get zilch. Then he divorced her and set his kids up to dislike his now ex-wife.

Certainly there has to be an easier path for a man not to be exploited by a crappy wife.




I Didn't Love My Husband As Much Once We Had Kids | YourTango

Woman reveals becoming a mother-of-two has made her love her spouse 'less' | Daily Mail Online

I think those links are the same story. She is exactly the opposite of what a wife should be.

 

[SDET]

I think those links are the same story. She is exactly the opposite of what a wife should be.

The top one is the source, the bottom one is a summary by a different publication.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

In the spirit of adding my own commentary, I will say this: This reminds me of an old friend who picked up on a similar mentality from his wife back when his kids were still in middle school. What did he do? He started using his retirement fund to spoil his kids. Then when his kids were in high school, he was between jobs and collected unemployment as long as the law allowed. He stopped trying to stay in information technology professional, instead buying non-running cars, fixing them and re-selling them. He made sure by the time his kids were of age that he was broke and with minimal earning power. He planned this for something like ten years. He spent everything and wrecked his career so his wife would get zilch. Then he divorced her and set his kids up to dislike his now ex-wife.

Certainly there has to be an easier path for a man not to be exploited by a crappy wife.

I Didn't Love My Husband As Much Once We Had Kids | YourTango

Woman reveals becoming a mother-of-two has made her love her spouse 'less' | Daily Mail Online

You seem to be intentionally missing the entire paragraphs of these -- and even the quote YOU pulled from the article -- that explain exactly why that happened, and it's not because they're "crappy wives." It's literally staring you in the face in your own OP.

It's because their husbands were doing literally nothing to lighten the load on them. Never taking care of the kids, never helping with chores, nothing -- just continuing with their lives as if they didn't have any more responsibilities than they had before (often not even the responsibility to get their own clothes off the floor), and never even considering how exhausting this would be on their wife.

These articles talk about him going away for a weekend without even telling her, taking even more extra time for friends and the gym without asking if she'd like a break, etc. So basically, he does his job, then ****s off as much as he wants afterwards. Which is fine, if you don't have any kids. But she does her job, plus all of the childcare, and all of the home maintenance, and cleaning up after him as if he were a 10-year-old boy, and he might just disappear without warning all weekend, the one time she might actually have the opportunity for a few hours off.

And you think the women here are the ones who are crappy?

Did it occur to you maybe she misses her own friends? Maybe she'd like to go somewhere besides work, car, home, all day every day, or alternatively just being trapped at home 24/7 because he just chose not to show up at all? Maybe she'd like to get a full nights sleep just a couple nights a week, rather than being the one who's on baby duty every single night for years?

Yeah, people who get worked 24/7 without break for years on end tend to be resentful. They're human beings, not machines. It's not surprising they stop loving a partner who doesn't seem to care at all about their well-being. Why would you love someone who doesn't care about you?

It sure is easy for him to claim he loves more when he doesn't believe that loving someone requires him to consider any of his partner's needs, ever. But I don't think that's the definition of love used by anyone who isn't a narcissist.

 

[SDET]

You seem to be intentionally missing the entire paragraphs of these -- and even the quote YOU pulled from the article -- that explain exactly why that happened, and it's not because they're "crappy wives." It's literally staring you in the face in your own OP.

It's because their husbands were doing literally nothing to lighten the load on them. Never taking care of the kids, never helping with chores, nothing -- just continuing with their lives as if they didn't have any more responsibilities than they had before (often not even the responsibility to get their own clothes off the floor), and never even considering how exhausting this would be on their wife.

These articles talk about him going away for a weekend without even telling her, taking even more extra time for friends and the gym without asking if she'd like a break, etc. So basically, he does his job, then ****s off as much as he wants afterwards. Which is fine, if you don't have any kids. But she does her job, plus all of the childcare, and all of the home maintenance, and cleaning up after him as if he were a 10-year-old boy, and he might just disappear without warning all weekend, the one time she might actually have the opportunity for a few hours off.

And you think the women here are the ones who are crappy?

Did it occur to you maybe she misses her own friends? Maybe she'd like to go somewhere besides work, car, home, all day every day, or alternatively just being trapped at home 24/7 because he just chose not to show up at all? Maybe she'd like to get a full nights sleep just a couple nights a week, rather than being the one who's on baby duty every single night for years?

Yeah, people who get worked 24/7 without break for years on end tend to be resentful. They're human beings, not machines. It's not surprising they stop loving a partner who doesn't seem to care at all about their well-being. Why would you love someone who doesn't care about you?

It sure is easy for him to claim he loves more when he doesn't believe that loving someone requires him to consider any of his partner's needs, ever. But I don't think that's the definition of love used by anyone who isn't narcissistic.

There are one of two simple solutions:
1) If and I repeat IF she works outside of keeping a home, use some of that money to hire housekeeping help.
2) If she doesn't work outside of keeping a home, then the husband has already put in his work and shouldn't have home be a "second shift".

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

There are one of two simple solutions:
1) If and I repeat IF she works outside of keeping a home, use some of that money to hire housekeeping help.
2) If she doesn't work outside of keeping a home, then the husband has already put in his work and shouldn't have home be a "second shift".

1. From the first article I know for certain they both work. Why can't she just expect him to actually do something now and again? From the sounds of things, he literally did nothing -- not even taking care of himself.

If she can manage work, and then literally everything else, the two of them together can manage each of their jobs, and then half the work when they get home, so they're both doing the same amount of work, and they both have a bit of time off. Why didn't you even think of that as a possibility?

2. If the kids were older, maybe I'd agree with you. But they're baby to toddler age.

Why shouldn't he at least on some days? She DOES work all day, with kids that age. And she might like to have her own night off once in a while to relax or maintain some semblance of a life. Why should he be the only one who ever gets that?

(FYI: My solution to #1 is what they wound up doing when she finally put her foot down, and it solved a lot of the problem for her and saved their marriage -- just him actually DOING something once in a while. Again, why didn't you consider this as a possibility? Why are the only possibilities "hire help, or just screw her"? Why is the man never responsible for helping his own partner?)

 

[SDET]

And furthermore, anyone whose time is paid at $50, $75, $100 per hour or more shouldn't be pressured into doing minimum wage tasks (response deliberately gender-neutral).

(FYI: My solution to #1 is what they wound up doing when she finally put her foot down, and it solved a lot of the problem for her and saved their marriage -- just him actually DOING something once in a while. Again, why didn't you consider this as a possibility? Why are the only possibilities "hire help, or just screw her"? Why is the man never responsible for helping his own partner?)

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

And furthermore, anyone whose time is paid at $50, $75, $100 per hour or more shouldn't be pressured into doing minimum wage tasks (response deliberately gender-neutral).

Asking your own partner to actually wash a dish once in a while, or even just put his own clothes away, is beneath him? Not everyone has the money to hire help even with dual incomes -- kids are expensive. And many of us who do aren't so lazy that we'd rather throw money down the toilet when we're perfectly physically capable of doing it ourselves. Why add an extra bill to your life when you have kids to put through college, and it only takes, like, an hour a day (or as little as 10 minutes, if you don't have kids) to just do it yourself? That's silly.

Most of us just call that "being a grown-up."

 

[SDET]

Asking your own partner to actually wash a dish once in a while, or even just put his own clothes away, is beneath him? Not everyone has the money to hire help even with dual incomes -- kids are expensive. And many of us who do aren't so lazy that we'd rather throw money down the toilet when we're perfectly physically capable of doing it ourselves. Why add an extra bill to your life when you have kids to put through college, and it only takes, like, an hour a day (or as little as 10 minutes, if you don't have kids) to just do it yourself? That's silly.

Most of us just call that "being a grown-up."

That time would be better spent on becoming expert in something like Entity Framework or Xamarin. I don't even do minimum wage tasks at work, why would I do them at home? Any skilled person who gets in the habit of doing minimum wage tasks is just down-skilling themselves.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

That time would be better spent on becoming expert in something like Entity Framework or Xamarin. I don't even do minimum wage tasks at work, why would I do them at home? Any skilled person who gets in the habit of doing minimum wage tasks is just down-skilling themselves.

So it's not "down-skilling" when the woman has to do all of it (and you call her a crappy wife for complaining about it), but the mere suggestion the man should help, and suddenly it is?

Ok, just answer me something here. Why is there NEVER any situation in which you think a man should help with anything related to his own children or home environment? Why are your ONLY suggestions "either hire help, or she needs to get over it"?

 

[SDET]

So it's not "down-skilling" when the woman has to do all of it (and you call her a crappy wife for complaining about it), but the mere suggestion the man should help, and suddenly it is?

Ok, just answer me something here. Why is there NEVER any situation in which you think a man should help with anything related to his own children or home environment? Why are your ONLY suggestions "either hire help, or she needs to get over it"?

If her earning power supports hired help, she stays up-skilled. Some women don't want to study that hard. I guess there's a few down-skilled men that are OK with being house husbands, but they are low in number. I bet very few women would want a down-skilled house husband.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

If her earning power supports hired help, she stays up-skilled. Some women don't want to study that hard. I guess there's a few down-skilled men that are OK with being house husbands, but they are low in number. I bet very few women would want a down-skilled house husband.

Why isn't it possible in your mind for both of them to just share the work? If she can do it all by herself while working (albeit at huge cost to her well-being), then surely they can both do half of it while working (with much less cost to the well-being of either one). Why does this not seem to compute to you?

If they either can't afford help, or are too financially conservative to blow money on stuff like that for no reason, why can't they just share it?

You speak of being a stay-at-home parent as though it were the lowest, most degrading work anyone could do, and no woman would want them, and you wonder why these women don't love their husbands who seem to think the same way? Women don't like being thought of as dirt any more than men do.

By the by, some women would actually love to be more able to persue their careers, and some men aren't so interested in theirs.

 

[d0gbreath]

And furthermore, anyone whose time is paid at $50, $75, $100 per hour or more shouldn't be pressured into doing minimum wage tasks (response deliberately gender-neutral).

They are not minimum wage tasks. There is no wage involved. That's why they're called chores. You want to burn some calories and slim that waist line?, start mopping the floors. Folding clothes and hanging those up that require hanging will build upper body strength. Lug the garbage and recycle out to the bins. Do it double time. Know what it's like to have stamina.

Know what it's like to have character.

 

[CLAX1911]

There are one of two simple solutions:
1) If and I repeat IF she works outside of keeping a home, use some of that money to hire housekeeping help.
2) If she doesn't work outside of keeping a home, then the husband has already put in his work and shouldn't have home be a "second shift".

Of the couples I know with children and birth spouses work there is no money for housekeepers. They live paycheck to paycheck. A wife is an equal partner not a servant.

 

[CLAX1911]

If her earning power supports hired help, she stays up-skilled. Some women don't want to study that hard. I guess there's a few down-skilled men that are OK with being house husbands, but they are low in number. I bet very few women would want a down-skilled house husband.

Men more and more attention pursuing education and end up making less money.

Further it is a luxury to be able to afford a spouse to be a house keeper. Especially with kids. I know I couldn't afford rent, groceries, electric, gasoline, on just my income when my boy was a kid. My spouse had to work. We certainly couldn't afford a house keeper.

 

[SDET]

They are not minimum wage tasks. There is no wage involved. That's why they're called chores. You want to burn some calories and slim that waist line?, start mopping the floors. Folding clothes and hanging those up that require hanging will build upper body strength. Lug the garbage and recycle out to the bins. Do it double time. Know what it's like to have stamina.

Know what it's like to have character.

The first part is interesting, the second part I disagree with. My wife even volunteered to mow the lawn, even though that's my job. We are a "Jack Sprat Ate No Fat" kind of couple. For some reason my wife despises anything that requires study and I despise anything that doesn't require study. It took her five years to finally get a driver's license. Also my teenage son has taken over simple tasks such as installing software and virus removal. I would consider buying a smoker and learning to make Texas barbecue.

 

[SDET]

Men more and more attention pursuing education and end up making less money.

Further it is a luxury to be able to afford a spouse to be a house keeper. Especially with kids. I know I couldn't afford rent, groceries, electric, gasoline, on just my income when my boy was a kid. My spouse had to work. We certainly couldn't afford a house keeper.

In my field there's always a fire under my butt. Staying head of the interns and the offshore resources is a must. That means to out-work them, out-study them, stay bleeding edge and stand out with quality deliverables (completed tasks). I earn more alone than most couples.

 

[roguenuke]

As to the OP, I do understand the woman's claims. I don't totally agree with how she is dealing with it if she hasn't communicated this to her husband, but absolutely understand the claim and feel that the husband is definitely the most in the wrong here.

As to some of the comments made about this article, absolutely both spouses should be sharing the load when it comes to housework and childcare. While sometimes this does involve communicating this to the spouse that isn't doing "as much" as the other in these areas, to a point, it should be at least obvious as well.

In fact, there is research that shows that couples have better relationships, even in bed, when they share more of the household chores.

Couples who are fair about housework have more sex — Quartz
Now, part of the problem seems to be that many men are oblivious to this situation and have to practically be hit over the head with the information. Here is in fact almost exactly a prediction of this situation by this article, problems starting because couples communicated poorly about division of household chores before they were married or reached their current situation.

The Way Couples Divide Household Chores Can Make Or Break A Marriage

Also, it isn't something that should be left to a single conversation or point in the relationship. Most relationships, especially nowdays, change with time and circumstances, so those changes should involve a change in expectations as well. Obviously if one partner is staying at home, not working outside the home, they should be doing much of the work around the house (unless they are doing something such as going to school or some other rarer circumstances, caring for someone else or injured/sick). But in many cases now, both work outside the home, and how much each is making should not really make that much of a difference when it comes to how much work they are doing within the household. How much time they are working, actually working, outside the home should be a consideration, but they still should be able to work out some fair division of work together, not just one assuming the other will do certain tasks.

 

[CLAX1911]

In my field there's always a fire under my butt. Staying head of the interns and the offshore resources is a must. That means to out-work them, out-study them, stay bleeding edge and stand out with quality deliverables (completed tasks). I earn more alone than most couples.

Have a cookie.

 

[SDET]

Have a cookie.

Too many carbs.

 

[MaggieD]

There are one of two simple solutions:
1) If and I repeat IF she works outside of keeping a home, use some of that money to hire housekeeping help.
2) If she doesn't work outside of keeping a home, then the husband has already put in his work and shouldn't have home be a "second shift".

Wow. You really believe that? If she doesn't have a job outside the home, she's in for 24/7/365??? And he works his 8 hours and done??

I'd tell YOU to stay home and I'd get that 8-hour job. 'Course I'd have to work late many nights. Don't want to hear the kids scream, after all.

:roll:

 

[Casper]

In the spirit of adding my own commentary, I will say this: This reminds me of an old friend who picked up on a similar mentality from his wife back when his kids were still in middle school. What did he do? He started using his retirement fund to spoil his kids. Then when his kids were in high school, he was between jobs and collected unemployment as long as the law allowed. He stopped trying to stay in information technology professional, instead buying non-running cars, fixing them and re-selling them. He made sure by the time his kids were of age that he was broke and with minimal earning power. He planned this for something like ten years. He spent everything and wrecked his career so his wife would get zilch. Then he divorced her and set his kids up to dislike his now ex-wife.

Certainly there has to be an easier path for a man not to be exploited by a crappy wife.




I Didn't Love My Husband As Much Once We Had Kids | YourTango

Woman reveals becoming a mother-of-two has made her love her spouse 'less' | Daily Mail Online

They would be better off as separate people living in separate places. Sticking it out for the sake of the kids is stupid and not doing the kids any favors.

 

[SDET]

Wow. You really believe that? If she doesn't have a job outside the home, she's in for 24/7/365??? And he works his 8 hours and done??

I'd tell YOU to stay home and I'd get that 8-hour job. 'Course I'd have to work late many nights. Don't want to hear the kids scream, after all.

:roll:

OK, but you have to earn six figures, AFTER taxes.

 

[CLAX1911]

Too many carbs.

Nobody cares what you do. They worry with themselves. So go on making money to support nobody but yourself.

Everybody else that supports a family have these things called responsibilities is what grown ups have, children to take care of and spouses to support, bills to pay and mortgages.

So yeah sometimes keeping house takes both people abs most people can't afford a house keeper.

 

[CLAX1911]

Wow. You really believe that? If she doesn't have a job outside the home, she's in for 24/7/365??? And he works his 8 hours and done??

I'd tell YOU to stay home and I'd get that 8-hour job. 'Course I'd have to work late many nights. Don't want to hear the kids scream, after all.

:roll:

I think he thinks he has it all figured out. That reminds me of some thirteen year Olds.

Women should know their place. You serve the man...lulz.

Me thinks he's single and staying that way.