What do you think of polygamy? joint relationships? (1 Viewer)

[128shot]

I was thinking today. My partner brang up an interesting point. What if we both agreed and decided to let another man/women into the relationship.

What are the possible emotional consquences, and perhaps benefits of "shifting the love".


What do you guys think of these type of relationships?

 

[Alex]

I was thinking today. My partner brang up an interesting point. What if we both agreed and decided to let another man/women into the relationship.

What are the possible emotional consquences, and perhaps benefits of "shifting the love".


What do you guys think of these type of relationships?

I think polygamy is fine as long as all people involved are okay with it. There can be emotional consequences of course, but that can come with any kind of relationship. I had friends who had been together for over 10 years. They decided to bring in "marital aides". It went well for a long time but then one of them started having feelings for the "aide" that were stronger than for his partner. The couple broke up.

This of course could have happen if they did not get "aides" also. No person can keep their finger on any other person all the time.

 

[Medussa]

Just out of curiosity, what are these 'aides'? Just sex partners or do they actually have a real purpose. Emotional comfort? How do you keep emotions aside?

 

[Alex]

Just out of curiosity, what are these 'aides'? Just sex partners or do they actually have a real purpose. Emotional comfort? How do you keep emotions aside?

The term "marital aide" is just one that we used to poke fun at the situation. It should not be taken seriously.

They were only intended to be sex partners.

 

[Ivan The Terrible]

alex,

I think polygamy is fine as long as all people involved are okay with it. There can be emotional consequences of course, but that can come with any kind of relationship. I had friends who had been together for over 10 years. They decided to bring in "marital aides". It went well for a long time but then one of them started having feelings for the "aide" that were stronger than for his partner. The couple broke up.

Agreed.... But things get crazy with extra people. Stuffs not for me. But I really don't care if other people do it.

 

[Alex]

alex,



Agreed.... But things get crazy with extra people. Stuffs not for me. But I really don't care if other people do it.

Yes, things do get crazy with more than one person. I can barely handle one person, much less two or more!!!!

 

[Medussa]

The term "marital aide" is just one that we used to poke fun at the situation. It should not be taken seriously.

They were only intended to be sex partners.

Thank you.
In the event of people getting more sexual partners for sorting out some sex problem, I can't see how that will fix anything. I'm not saying that people go for this to fix a problem, I'm going to guess that a great number does this for the thrill of it, some new experience etc. Favoritism will become an issue at some stage, jealousy etc. Then again, you can't consider this with a serious jealous partner...

 

[nineplus]

I think polygamy is fine as long as all people involved are okay with it. There can be emotional consequences of course, but that can come with any kind of relationship. I had friends who had been together for over 10 years. They decided to bring in "marital aides". It went well for a long time but then one of them started having feelings for the "aide" that were stronger than for his partner. The couple broke up.

This of course could have happen if they did not get "aides" also. No person can keep their finger on any other person all the time.

I'm obviously biased, since I'm part of a long term poly relationship. The guys and I have been *married* for 21 years and are as stable (if not more stable) than any mono relationship around us.

That aside, I want to insert something before this thread goes along too far. When you speak of bringing others into a relationship, you need to more carefully define that of which you speak...........ie: were they swinging, or were they truly working towards a poly relationship?

These separations are important because poly relationships are based on love, commitment, honesty and openness. Within the poly community there is an open attitude towards loving and being in love with more than one person at a time...........this does NOT always include sexuality, however, and these relationships, at the very least, are not based in sexuality. Whereas one of the rules of swinging is NOT to fall in love..........not to ever build relationships, aside from the agreed upon sexuality.

This is a very important distinction if you'd really like to discuss poly marriage because swingers aren't interested in group marriages anyway and poly persons aren't generally interested in swinging..........nor do they take commitment lightly.

In my experienced opinion, you can't discuss persons who have cheated and/or brought in others from outside their marriage for the purpose of sex-only relationships within a thread truly interested in discussing poly marriage since these aren't the people who'd be seeking it.

Now if you're saying this couple in question met someone and decided to open their hearts to him/her and later their bed became open as well, then perhaps you've added something valid to the discussion. Without question, poly break ups have the potential for great messiness, so this would be a reasonable addition to the thread.

But swinging, cheating, open marriages w/ rules about not falling in love or rules about keeping the additional person(s) far away from the marriage are NOT examples of poly relationships...........nor would those people be seeking the legal umbrella of a poly marriage so they muddy the discussion.

 

[Ivan The Terrible]

nineplus,

But swinging, cheating, open marriages w/ rules about not falling in love or rules about keeping the additional person(s) far away from the marriage are NOT examples of poly relationships...........nor would those people be seeking the legal umbrella of a poly marriage so they muddy the discussion.

Thank you for making that clear. :mrgreen:

 

[Ivan The Terrible]

alex,

Yes, things do get crazy with more than one person. I can barely handle one person, much less two or more!!!!

I hear ya!

 

[nineplus]

I was thinking today. My partner brang up an interesting point. What if we both agreed and decided to let another man/women into the relationship.

What are the possible emotional consquences, and perhaps benefits of "shifting the love".


What do you guys think of these type of relationships?

For us it just happened...........poof there the three of us were and here we've stayed. We never sought our third person out, nor were we really a twosome before turning into a threesome. It just sort of happened for us when we were very young and we went with it.

We know and know of tons of poly relationships. Like tends to attract like it seems. Over the years, I've developed the opinion (and who's to say I'm right?? lol) that those who actively seek a poly relationship (meaning they want to form a threesome, foursome or whatever) have a much smaller longterm success rate than those of us who fell into their relationships accidentally............either all three at once, or where a couple falls in love with and adds another person or two without ever having intended to be poly.

So the first thing I'd tell you, if you were seriously considering it, is to not seek it I think there are ways to be *open* and potentially having what you want come to you over time, but the addition of another person into a relationship is serious business...........and it needs to be cautiously entered with a strong emphasis on honesty, openness, fairness and equality.

Consequences? Sure, nothing as big as loving someone(s) will go without consequences, both good and bad. Not loving others and/or denying yourself love to others can have consequences as well. Right now, those are simply more socially acceptable.

As for "shifting the love" that's not it at all............when you have a child, then have another, you don't shift the love from one to the other. Your capacity for love expands and you love them both more than you ever dreamed possible............and if you had another, once again, your capacity would expand more. Even though the love between adults is of a different sort, with different complications, the same principle applies. You really don't love one with half your love and the other with half............you love them both with your whole heart and there's no need for any shifting or dividing of love whatsoever. Trust me

I would love to marry both my guys and they would love to marry each other and me..........we would in a heartbeat if the laws changed. That said, I'm not in a huge rush to see poly marriage legalized. I'd rather it have to fight its way into existence. I think society and our legal system will be more capable of doing it right, if things come about incrementally. I'm into the slow and right beat fast and wrong concept of life..........it applies here imho.

 

[Alex]

I'm obviously biased, since I'm part of a long term poly relationship. The guys and I have been *married* for 21 years and are as stable (if not more stable) than any mono relationship around us.

That aside, I want to insert something before this thread goes along too far. When you speak of bringing others into a relationship, you need to more carefully define that of which you speak...........ie: were they swinging, or were they truly working towards a poly relationship?

These separations are important because poly relationships are based on love, commitment, honesty and openness. Within the poly community there is an open attitude towards loving and being in love with more than one person at a time...........this does NOT always include sexuality, however, and these relationships, at the very least, are not based in sexuality. Whereas one of the rules of swinging is NOT to fall in love..........not to ever build relationships, aside from the agreed upon sexuality.

This is a very important distinction if you'd really like to discuss poly marriage because swingers aren't interested in group marriages anyway and poly persons aren't generally interested in swinging..........nor do they take commitment lightly.

In my experienced opinion, you can't discuss persons who have cheated and/or brought in others from outside their marriage for the purpose of sex-only relationships within a thread truly interested in discussing poly marriage since these aren't the people who'd be seeking it.

Now if you're saying this couple in question met someone and decided to open their hearts to him/her and later their bed became open as well, then perhaps you've added something valid to the discussion. Without question, poly break ups have the potential for great messiness, so this would be a reasonable addition to the thread.

But swinging, cheating, open marriages w/ rules about not falling in love or rules about keeping the additional person(s) far away from the marriage are NOT examples of poly relationships...........nor would those people be seeking the legal umbrella of a poly marriage so they muddy the discussion.

I was not trying to define anything. Just sharing what experience I have on the subject. The question asked was: "I was thinking today. My partner brang up an interesting point. What if we both agreed and decided to let another man/women into the relationship. What are the possible emotional consquences, and perhaps benefits of "shifting the love". What do you guys think of these type of relationships?". I answered it.

No need to get defensive.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

On one hand, I think it would promote larger and more connected families, which is something I think is vital to our survival as a society.

On the other hand, I really am reluctant to go poking in the guts of marriage, and I'm sure a lot of people would use it as an excuse to treat their marriages and their family obligations even more casually than before. (Which is barely conceivable.)

It's something we should think about, to be certain, but it's also in an area in which we should tread lightly.

 

[vibeeleven]

One side of me says it's none of anyones business but those involved, but another side tells me that there would almost always certainly be emotional consequences to those involved and even some not intended to be. As long as it doesn't hurt others I have no problem with it, but I also see that once you bring children into the subject everything changes.

I personally know a couple siblings that were born into a family of polygamists in the phillipines. Let me tell you, that's one fvcked up family.

 

[jimmyjack]

I was thinking today. My partner brang up an interesting point. What if we both agreed and decided to let another man/women into the relationship.

What are the possible emotional consquences, and perhaps benefits of "shifting the love".


What do you guys think of these type of relationships?

It is corrupt, it devalues marriage, and there may as well be no such thing as marriage if you are going to engage in that sort of behaviour.

 

[vergiss]

It is corrupt, it devalues marriage, and there may as well be no such thing as marriage if you are going to engage in that sort of behaviour.

Aww, does somebody wish he could have two husbands?

 

[jimmyjack]

Aww, does somebody wish he could have two husbands?

Thanks for telling me that you wish to have two husbands, but I don’t want to know.

 

[vergiss]

Thanks for telling me that you wish to have two husbands, but I don’t want to know.

That would almost work, if I was a "he". :roll:

 

[nineplus]

I was not trying to define anything. Just sharing what experience I have on the subject. The question asked was: "I was thinking today. My partner brang up an interesting point. What if we both agreed and decided to let another man/women into the relationship. What are the possible emotional consquences, and perhaps benefits of "shifting the love". What do you guys think of these type of relationships?". I answered it.

No need to get defensive.

This isn't about being defensive.........it's about being clear. What you describe doesn't sound like a poly relationship. It sounds more like swinging. It's important to define these things separately, since one group would pursue marriage and the other would not. It's the difference between bar hopping and making a life long commitment to someone.

And to be crystal clear, I have no compulsion against swinging nor do I feel the need to defend the poly community against swingers in general. They simply have a different focus and hold a different set of beliefs..........and since they wouldn't be interested in poly marriage in the least, such examples only confuse the issue. It glumps all form of threesome (or more) relationship into one category which isn't any more accurate than glumping all twosome relationships into one group.............but I'm sure we both can see the difference between casually dating someone and being married to them for 50 years.

Now if you're saying the couple in question opened their hearts to another love and were trying to pursue a long-term, loving, equal relationship between all parties, then you do have a good example of poly going. This type of break up would be important to a thread with polygamy in the subject line because the potential for extra amounts of frustration, pain etc would be there in a poly break up.........not just for the adults, but for the children as well.

 

[128shot]

when I said "shifting the love" I ment swinger relationships. Its a more liberal type of love I suppose.


I just couldn't think correctly on the term. Sorry about that. I apologize. I understand it can cause confusion.

 

[jimmyjack]

That would almost work, if I was a "he". :roll:

I don’t want to know about your grammatical errors.

 

[nineplus]

when I said "shifting the love" I ment swinger relationships. Its a more liberal type of love I suppose.


I just couldn't think correctly on the term. Sorry about that. I apologize. I understand it can cause confusion.

If we're talking swinging, this is a whole different deal. Marriage laws don't come into play whatsoever, nor does the concept of being in love.

The basic premise of swinging is to enhance/broaden ones sex life w/o emotional entanglements. Swingers usually follow a very strict set of rules and tend to hang out in groups/clubs of persons who have previously agreed to these rules. The no falling in love rule is huge.........but swinging groups/clubs are also big advocates of safe sex too, so those types of rules are also strongly promoted. Most swingers do not associate outside the group/club gatherings. Those who do so often risk being banned from the group, or at the very least shunned. They take the no falling in love rule quite seriously and set strict parameters of non-sexual behavior in the hopes of promoting sex-only relationships.

Other versions of swinging might be a couple seeking out a sex partner outside of a groups boundaries and forming rules of their own to govern behavior.........sometimes a one time deal, but I've heard of couples forming long term associations with an outsider which did not involve any commitments, responsibilities or love. Some of these relationships do seem to enhance a marriage, and as Alex has already pointed out, some of these can ruin (or at the very least not save) other relationships.

The risks and consequences are personal and from what I've seen they are largely related to your motivations for joining this lifestyle. Persons who are trying to save their marriage don't usually succeed, whereas couples who just want a safe way to enhance the sexual part of their marriage, without any emotional complications to an outsider, often meet their goals. As with anything, if one partner is dragging the other, things tend to get yucky. It has to be something both want, both feel comfortable with and both are willing to follow whatever rules are agreed upon.........but this is true of all relationships.

We have had the experience of becoming close with a couple who swing. They accidentally showed up at a poly event some years ago and were shocked/appalled at the concept of loving threesomes, foursomes or more.............very off the mark for them! We ended up getting to know them better over time and they took me to a swing club on more than one occasion. I never did anything there except socialize, but it was an interesting slice of life I'd never experienced before. I spoke with many swingers who felt poly was dangerous business, while swinging was nothing big at all. Within the poly community the opposite tends to be common thought. I guess it's just that diff strokes for diff folks thing at play.

I personally don't believe I could participate in a sex-only relationship, but I never swear anything off. It seems like the moment I say "I'd never!" I'm suddenly faced with something I swore I'd never do..........so I don't rule anything out lol In theory, I think it would be hard for me to not have outside the bedroom type contact with the person(s) and not be allowed to bond as friends, let alone fall in love. It's not something I've done, so it sounds uncomfy to me.

In terms of risk, I don't know that it would hold actual risks to my marriage, but I can see where it could to some. My guys would support me if it was what I wanted...........I'm sure of that...........but I think it would make both of them uncomfortable. We've lived in the poly community for so long we are all pretty stuck on the concept of loving others with or without sex. It would be very opposite how we've always functioned, so I tend to believe they'd *see* me through slightly different eyes if it was what I suddenly wanted.

Legally speaking, swingers occasionally get bumped up against adultery laws, but in general speak they don't face the same legal challenges we poly's do. Getting rid of adultery and sodomy laws would be enough to satisfy the swinger community from what I've heard.

No problem with the term confusion..........it's good to get clarified though since polygamy and swinging aren't the same things at all.

 

[128shot]

you're a wealth of knowledge. Jesus, sounds like you could write a book on the subject. Lots of information nineplus


My partner and I aren't in a...well...the relationship is intentionally disfunctional..


I want to call it a "liberal relationship" but its hard to describe. It isn't about typical love maybe? I don't know how to put it. We're extremely close friends, and sexuality active with each other. However neither one of us would be upset if we brang someone else into the relationship to enhance our own sex lives and strength our friendship bonds. I guess you could say we aren't a typical couple?

I'm quite disputed on this issue given the dysfunctionality of our relationship to each other.

 

[Alex]

Aww, does somebody wish he could have two husbands?

I dream about it everyday. LOL.

 

[Alex]

This isn't about being defensive.........it's about being clear. What you describe doesn't sound like a poly relationship. It sounds more like swinging. It's important to define these things separately, since one group would pursue marriage and the other would not. It's the difference between bar hopping and making a life long commitment to someone.

And to be crystal clear, I have no compulsion against swinging nor do I feel the need to defend the poly community against swingers in general. They simply have a different focus and hold a different set of beliefs..........and since they wouldn't be interested in poly marriage in the least, such examples only confuse the issue. It glumps all form of threesome (or more) relationship into one category which isn't any more accurate than glumping all twosome relationships into one group.............but I'm sure we both can see the difference between casually dating someone and being married to them for 50 years.

Now if you're saying the couple in question opened their hearts to another love and were trying to pursue a long-term, loving, equal relationship between all parties, then you do have a good example of poly going. This type of break up would be important to a thread with polygamy in the subject line because the potential for extra amounts of frustration, pain etc would be there in a poly break up.........not just for the adults, but for the children as well.

The last guy they brought in was probably meant to be a sexual thing only, but it turned into more for at least one of them. The third guy ended up driving one of the original people out of the relationship and it got very messy. This was not a one time encounter with the third guy though, so I do not think you can call it "swinging". I asked one of them once about their "open relationship" and he answered, "It isn't an open relationship." I asked what he would call it and he said, "*****ed up." I guess the couple was bound to break up anyway.