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What do you do when your kid is more square than you?

Hawkeye10

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Me: retired/54/smoke weed every day/drink every day/Zen Socialist/love arguing walking the dog visiting and generally ****ing around.

He: ROTC/22/Senior/has wanted active duty Army since he was 9/very conservative/is working his ass off

Plus he is still pissed that we could not make the restaurant empire work, and are now bankrupt.

IDK, seems pretty hopeless at the moment, maybe at around age 30 we can connect.......

Anyone been there.......almost college grad who is doing great but disapproves of his parents choices/lifestyle?

Is there any hope?

Thanks so much.
 

dimensionallava

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yep this generation sucks

 

PoS

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Find a hobby that you both like and do the activity together.
 

Hawkeye10

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Find a hobby that you both like and do the activity together.

Been trying, but getting time out of him is damn hard, I present a lot of ideas but get the brush off most of the time. He lives 7 hours away and is habitually over scheduled (this is not a story, it is the truth) so time?....ya....
 

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Me: retired/54/smoke weed every day/drink every day/Zen Socialist/love arguing walking the dog visiting and generally ****ing around.

He: ROTC/22/Senior/has wanted active duty Army since he was 9/very conservative/is working his ass off

Plus he is still pissed that we could not make the restaurant empire work, and are now bankrupt.

IDK, seems pretty hopeless at the moment, maybe at around age 30 we can connect.......

Anyone been there.......almost college grad who is doing great but disapproves of his parents choices/lifestyle?

Is there any hope?

Thanks so much.

For him, yes, and he'll succeed on his own.

I don't think its him with the problem.
 

Hawkeye10

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Been thinking that I have over a long period made my desires clear, I have made many attempts to spend time, there is nothing more to gain from that tact, shut up, wait to see if he picks up the phone someday and makes a suggestion of something to do together......


I was talking with one of my BDSM friends about this, she has 3 about the same age as my three, she says the her boy is the same way...the way she puts it 95% of his brain space is taken up thinking about him, it is a waste of time pretending otherwise....she says to wait them out.
 

Hawkeye10

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Lay off the pot and booze for a couple days. Maybe then you can figure it out.

Jeez, and here I had it that I am exercising restraint because I am not dropping acid a few times a month.......Like I would like to be doing but dont figure I want to mess with that being on several big pharma drugs, plus a bunch of supplements.

I have worked hard this life, with an almost solid record of success....having fun now is non negotiable.
 

jimbo

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Jeez, and here I had it that I am exercising restraint because I am not dropping acid a few times a month.......Like I would like to be doing but dont figure I want to mess with that being on several big pharma drugs, plus a bunch of supplements.

I have worked hard this life, with an almost solid record of success....having fun now is non negotiable.

Your life, your choice. You asked for advice. Turns out you want validation. I don't do validation.

Frankly I suspect you're trolling. Adios.
 

Hawkeye10

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Your life, your choice. You asked for advice. Turns out you want validation. I don't do validation.

Frankly I suspect you're trolling. Adios.

I want to compare notes with someone(s) who has been here. I talk to people in real life but especially now that I am retired I dont see that many people a day anymore, plus this kind of thing is sometimes harder to talk about with people in real life I find.

Ta Ta for now.....
 

CaptainCourtesy

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Jeez, and here I had it that I am exercising restraint because I am not dropping acid a few times a month.......Like I would like to be doing but dont figure I want to mess with that being on several big pharma drugs, plus a bunch of supplements.

I have worked hard this life, with an almost solid record of success....having fun now is non negotiable.

are now bankrupt.

Hmmm...

Seems to me that your kid is upset with you for choices that you have made... drinking, smoking weed, the bankruptcy... and I wonder how much of the latter was caused by the first two. Regardless, he has chosen a lifestyle that disagrees with yours. He is your kid. If you want to have a relationship with him, it's on YOU.
 

Hawkeye10

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Hmmm...

Seems to me that your kid is upset with you for choices that you have made... drinking, smoking weed, the bankruptcy... and I wonder how much of the latter was caused by the first two. Regardless, he has chosen a lifestyle that disagrees with yours. He is your kid. If you want to have a relationship with him, it's on YOU.

Well he is at drinking school and he smoked weed a bunch before he went ROTC, on that front I suspect Jealousy. And the bankruptcy..... that is tied into trying to start a business, which he worked in, which he got to see me run (often well), which he wanted to run after he gets done with an Army career, so its complicated. We never told him that we were in trouble, he came back from 6 weeks in Italy for school and got told that we were closing in a week. He felt blindsided for sure, like we had not been honest with him, which we were not, and there was a reason but that was wrong. The choices that he does not respect are not wanting a career and being a stay at home dad, that does not compute for him. But he is OK with women in the military, he thinks if you are going to have kids then a parent should be home with them at least part time...which does not compute for me, because it has to be the husband who does that, so why is it a failing on my part to want to do that?.

The real life people tell me that the only thing to do is keep working on it, trying to keep the lines of communication open, that he likely will come around in time, at least to talk about it. I am just a little thrown because I never expected this age to be difficult for us. My dad died when I was 24, with us never having much of a relationship, so my personal experiences are coming up short at the moment so far as a fix or a prognosis goes , thus my query here......
 
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Dragonfly

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Me: retired/54/smoke weed every day/drink every day

and are now bankrupt.

Is there any hope?

Uhh....

Why are you retired at 54, getting stoned and drinking every day, AND bankrupt?

I'm guessing I'd be pissed off at you too if I were your child.
 

rhinefire

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"Retired at 54" means fired from several menial jobs and a bum from an early age with no future. Separate from your son and stay away from him until you blow your liver out and develop diabetes.
 

d0gbreath

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So he doesn't respect that you are a stay at home Dad without a career?

Decalogue #5: Honor thy Mother and Father.

Now might be a good time to remind him that he should always respect his elders. Yes, it's a one way street. Kick his ass.
 

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Tell him you love him and make the best of the time you have with him now. He's busy building his lands and titles now. He'll eventually work his way back around and want to spend time with you.
 

clownboy

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Well he is at drinking school and he smoked weed a bunch before he went ROTC, on that front I suspect Jealousy. And the bankruptcy..... that is tied into trying to start a business, which he worked in, which he got to see me run (often well), which he wanted to run after he gets done with an Army career, so its complicated. We never told him that we were in trouble, he came back from 6 weeks in Italy for school and got told that we were closing in a week. He felt blindsided for sure, like we had not been honest with him, which we were not, and there was a reason but that was wrong. The choices that he does not respect are not wanting a career and being a stay at home dad, that does not compute for him. But he is OK with women in the military, he thinks if you are going to have kids then a parent should be home with them at least part time...which does not compute for me, because it has to be the husband who does that, so why is it a failing on my part to want to do that?.

The real life people tell me that the only thing to do is keep working on it, trying to keep the lines of communication open, that he likely will come around in time, at least to talk about it. I am just a little thrown because I never expected this age to be difficult for us. My dad died when I was 24, with us never having much of a relationship, so my personal experiences are coming up short at the moment so far as a fix or a prognosis goes , thus my query here......

I was one of those kids who couldn't wait to leave my parents' home and build my own adult life. Fiercely independent. I rarely thought of or had contact with my parents during my 20s. It wasn't until I had my own family started that I began to realize how much I had gotten from them and how much I still needed the contact. It's a little different for everyone, but no need to worry.

Again, just ensure he knows you love him, always want the best for him and answer the phone when he has his moment of realization that paying attention to what is to come in your life isn't the whole of adulthood. You've got to balance what is to come with what got you there.
 

Captain America

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Me: retired/54/smoke weed every day/drink every day/Zen Socialist/love arguing walking the dog visiting and generally ****ing around.

He: ROTC/22/Senior/has wanted active duty Army since he was 9/very conservative/is working his ass off

Plus he is still pissed that we could not make the restaurant empire work, and are now bankrupt.

IDK, seems pretty hopeless at the moment, maybe at around age 30 we can connect.......

Anyone been there.......almost college grad who is doing great but disapproves of his parents choices/lifestyle?

Is there any hope?

Thanks so much.

I can so relate. Except for the bankruptcy part.

See? Quit talking about Trump and we seem to have quite a lot in common.

You just described, well, me and my kids.

My oldest is 37. We have yet to align our stars. We get along great but we are still poles apart in just about every way. No shortage of love though. That's all that's really important I suppose.
 
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Hawkeye10

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I was one of those kids who couldn't wait to leave my parents' home and build my own adult life. Fiercely independent. I rarely thought of or had contact with my parents during my 20s. It wasn't until I had my own family started that I began to realize how much I had gotten from them and how much I still needed the contact. It's a little different for everyone, but no need to worry.

Again, just ensure he knows you love him, always want the best for him and answer the phone when he has his moment of realization that paying attention to what is to come in your life isn't the whole of adulthood. You've got to balance what is to come with what got you there.

He is currently at ROTC school for 5 weeks, when he gets back he has agreed to do a day trip with me, which is already planned and he seems excited about, before he goes back to Pullman. We had a good talk the night before he left which help calm me some. I think at base the problem is that we value different things so he tends to conclude that I have wasted my life (which means he does not respect my choices, and to some extent me overall) , but I have always been a strange bird so I dont know that this was avoidable. The older the kids get the more they seem to understand me and my choices, the boy is the youngest btw. THere is a lot more to the story of course, the standard thinking that the parents suck, too much violence in their childhoods, and for so many years my life was so filled with turmoil and crisis (plus I have a touch of the lazy) that I was not as good a father as I wanted to be. I tell my kids that I understand that, and that I want to do better with the time I have left, and they seem to respond well to that.

Very thoughtful post Clownboy, it is appreciated.
 
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Hawkeye10

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I can so relate. Except for the bankruptcy part.

See? Quit talking about Trump and we seem to have quite a lot in common.

You just described, well, me and my kids.

My oldest is 37. We have yet to align our stars. We get along great but we are still poles apart in just about every way. No shortage of love though. That's all that's really important I suppose.

I tend to like better the people who dont agree with me on politics, so that is no problem on my end.
 

Captain America

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My oldest son makes Limbaugh look like a liberal and is in church every time the door swings open. Izod, Dockers, golf, the whole yuppie 9 yards. He is a loving father and works hard to maintain his conservative credentials.

My middle son is an avowed atheist and a die-hard liberal democrat. Extreme opposite of his big brother. He is a successful professional and highly regarded in the international online gaming circles. But he would rather sit at his enormous gaming console with three huge HD flatscreens he uses for monitors, than go out and socialize.

My youngest son, arguably the smartest of the three, is very laid back, loves Pink Floyd and Jimmy Buffet, Comicon conventions, wears cargo shorts and sports a scruffy beard and could care less if Biff and Chaz approves of his golf shoes or not. He is totally sober but smoke 'em if you got 'em. He could care less. He banks more money, has better benefits, than his two older brothers (and even me.) He is the only one I know who can defeat his older brother in online gaming. And he makes it look easy.

His favorite pastime seems to be hanging out with me. (We are so much alike it's funny. :lamo)

So. There ya go. I got it coming from all directions.
 
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Captain America

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I tend to like better the people who dont agree with me on politics, so that is no problem on my end.

Again, we have something in common. I have no emotional investment in conversations here. On the rare occassion, I will let an idiot get under my skin. For about 2 seconds and then I laugh it off.

No problem on my end either bro. I would have no problem sharing a fatty with you any day.
 

clownboy

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He is currently at ROTC school for 5 weeks, when he gets back he has agreed to do a day trip with me, which is already planned and he seems excited about, before he goes back to Pullman. We had a good talk the night before he left which help calm me some. I think at base the problem is that we value different things so he tends to conclude that I have wasted my life (which means he does not respect my choices, and to some extent me overall) , but I have always been a strange bird so I dont know that this was avoidable. The older the kids get the more they seem to understand me and my choices, the boy is the youngest btw. THere is a lot more to the story of course, the standard thinking that the parents suck, too much violence in their childhoods, and for so many years my life was so filled with turmoil and crisis (and I have a touch of the lazy) that I was not as good a father as I wanted to be. I tell my kids that I understand that, and that I want to do better with the time I have left, and they seem to respond well to that.

Very thoughtful post Clownboy, it is appreciated.

Also, you might want to remind yourself of your own strange trip to where you are now. You were the best parent you could have been, tried as much as you were able at the time in your life. Only now with enhanced realization (that comes with age and experience) you judge what you did against what you can do now. Believe me, that wheel turns. There will definitely come a time when he gets hit by that bolt of lightning and exclaims, "oh ****! That's what the Old Man meant by that!".

My daughter has entered her forties and it makes me smile when I hear her speak with her children. Quite a lot of it sounds like what she heard from me. She's just now starting to put it together that when she heard it from me she was internally swearing she would never say such to her children someday. :mrgreen:

Oh, and also, try to remember, no matter how kids swear they feel about you, you are not you, you are the fellow on the pedestal they build in their minds.

Btw, glad to hear this just doesn't happen to me alone.
 

Captain America

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He is currently at ROTC school for 5 weeks, when he gets back he has agreed to do a day trip with me, which is already planned and he seems excited about, before he goes back to Pullman. We had a good talk the night before he left which help calm me some. I think at base the problem is that we value different things so he tends to conclude that I have wasted my life (which means he does not respect my choices, and to some extent me overall) , but I have always been a strange bird so I dont know that this was avoidable. The older the kids get the more they seem to understand me and my choices, the boy is the youngest btw. THere is a lot more to the story of course, the standard thinking that the parents suck, too much violence in their childhoods, and for so many years my life was so filled with turmoil and crisis (plus I have a touch of the lazy) that I was not as good a father as I wanted to be. I tell my kids that I understand that, and that I want to do better with the time I have left, and they seem to respond well to that.

Very thoughtful post Clownboy, it is appreciated.

Don't beat yourself up Hawkeye. Not a father alive doesn't think or wish they could have done a better job here or there. Kids don't come with instruction booklets you know.

You just play it like you know it, do the best you know how, and hope for the best.

And NEVER forget as your children are growing up and maturing, so are we. And we will continue to mature until the day we die. No one was born with all the answers.

And, from what I gathered, you seem to have a lot of love for your kids and are approaching your days to come with eyes wide open. You have made yourself available and I would venture to guess that your kids will never get to old to hug and love.

In my book, that makes you a good dad. Keep up the good work.
 
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