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What am I suppose to do about my sister and her kid!

Aunt Spiker

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I'm just getting back from my Nephew's B-day party . .. he just turned 5.
He drives me nuts - and so does my sister and her husband and all his problems that I see and deal with directly related to their lack of parenting.

He's rude, he's mouthy. He picks fights, runs wild. When his parents try to control him (which doesn't happen very often) he smacks at them, spits at them and if they continue to try to deal with him he flops around, screaming and freaking out.

He doesn't listen to them.
They've stopped trying.
He doesn't listen to me.
And today I wanted to just explode on him. I think I've had enough.

Today he was running wild and hurt one of my kids in the process. Rather than put him in time out or trying to actually calm him down my sister and her husband just let him continue his out of control tirade which exploded into a full fledged tantrum eventually. Alon with the yelling, flopping and crazy antics he kept cutting in front of everyone in line, pushing all the kids around - just being a brat. I actually got onto him for his attitude (nothing out of line, no yelling - I just scolded him for spitting on his father) and my sister freaked out at me for getting onto her son. I chided her that maybe she should, then, control him.
Soon after we left the party.

When we do get together - and he's like that and they aren't doing a DAMN THING ABOUT IT. What am I suppose to do? Just sit there and let my kids be hurt and run over?

My sister doesn't spank, neither do I.
She has 2 kids (ages 5 and 3) and I have 4 kids (ages 12, 9, 6 and 3).

I don't HAVE problems like this with my kids - I might not spank them - but I DO punish and I DO put my foot down. Spit at me, smack me? NOT HAPPENING - EVER.

My only thought, now, is to avoid seeing my sister - EVER. :shrug: But that would deprive all the kids so that's not fair.

So how should I handle this? Something MUST change - they can't let him continue to be like that and just let everyone be disrespected and hurt all the time!

I'm going nuts . . . I'm pissed. . . any advice would be GREAT!

*edit*
Oh - I should mention that my sister and her husband pretend to be a close couple, but she tears into him *all the time* with a nasty little attitude problem. Honestly - if a man talked to his wife with that tone - he's be considered extremely abusive and controlling, if not worse. So, really, my sister controls and abuses her husband and their clash means then not agreeing on how to take care of the kids.
 
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Gipper

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Take a page out of my book - avoid family completely and altogether except for Christmas and maybe Thanksgiving if they're close enough.

I came down here to see my family and now regret doing so.
 

Aunt Spiker

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Yeah, that's what it looks like I'll have to do, really.
I don't *really* want to do that, though - their daughter is 3 and she's a GEM and I'd hate for their crappy problems to ruin the close relationship that my kids have with my niece.

*siiiigh* But if I don't want to deal with these types of problems I will have to put even more distance between us.

I knew crap like this would happen, too. She lived in Maryland for quite a long time and decided to move here 3 years ago so we could be closer together. I just knew her attitude and potential problems just like this would surface. I prayed that they wouldn't make it happen. . . arggg. My peaceful life is only interrupted with her bull****.
 

Jerry

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I'm just getting back from my Nephew's B-day party . .. he just turned 5.
He drives me nuts - and so does my sister and her husband and all his problems that I see and deal with directly related to their lack of parenting.

He's rude, he's mouthy. He picks fights, runs wild. When his parents try to control him (which doesn't happen very often) he smacks at them, spits at them and if they continue to try to deal with him he flops around, screaming and freaking out.

He doesn't listen to them.
They've stopped trying.
He doesn't listen to me.
And today I wanted to just explode on him. I think I've had enough.

Today he was running wild and hurt one of my kids in the process. Rather than put him in time out or trying to actually calm him down my sister and her husband just let him continue his out of control tirade which exploded into a full fledged tantrum eventually. Alon with the yelling, flopping and crazy antics he kept cutting in front of everyone in line, pushing all the kids around - just being a brat. I actually got onto him for his attitude (nothing out of line, no yelling - I just scolded him for spitting on his father) and my sister freaked out at me for getting onto her son. I chided her that maybe she should, then, control him.
Soon after we left the party.

When we do get together - and he's like that and they aren't doing a DAMN THING ABOUT IT. What am I suppose to do? Just sit there and let my kids be hurt and run over?

My sister doesn't spank, neither do I.
She has 2 kids (ages 5 and 3) and I have 4 kids (ages 12, 9, 6 and 3).

I don't HAVE problems like this with my kids - I might not spank them - but I DO punish and I DO put my foot down. Spit at me, smack me? NOT HAPPENING - EVER.

My only thought, now, is to avoid seeing my sister - EVER. :shrug: But that would deprive all the kids so that's not fair.

So how should I handle this? Something MUST change - they can't let him continue to be like that and just let everyone be disrespected and hurt all the time!

I'm going nuts . . . I'm pissed. . . any advice would be GREAT!

*edit*
Oh - I should mention that my sister and her husband pretend to be a close couple, but she tears into him *all the time* with a nasty little attitude problem. Honestly - if a man talked to his wife with that tone - he's be considered extremely abusive and controlling, if not worse. So, really, my sister controls and abuses her husband and their clash means then not agreeing on how to take care of the kids.
It's a respect problem.

The son has no reason to respect his parents because they don't respect each other. He's just following their example.

As for what you can do about it, understanding the underlying dynamic is key. He may not respect his parents, but he can respect you. Yelling is not admirable and spanking does not inspire aww, so don't expect him to start obeying you out of fear. He'll just rebel even harder. Be careful not to fight with his parents in such a way that he can find out, as that will put you in the same box as they in his mind.

Mutual play is a big way to get respect. Find a game he can use to vent his aggression and play with him. It's not an instant fix, it takes time, but that's the right direction.
 

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Being the fierce defender of my children that I always was, my sister's children would not be causing any harm to my children, even if I had to get on her kids myself. If it was not a controllable situation, I would not let my kids be around hers. Period.
 

tryreading

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I'm just getting back from my Nephew's B-day party . .. he just turned 5.
He drives me nuts - and so does my sister and her husband and all his problems that I see and deal with directly related to their lack of parenting.

He's rude, he's mouthy. He picks fights, runs wild. When his parents try to control him (which doesn't happen very often) he smacks at them, spits at them and if they continue to try to deal with him he flops around, screaming and freaking out.

He doesn't listen to them.
They've stopped trying.
He doesn't listen to me.
And today I wanted to just explode on him. I think I've had enough.

Today he was running wild and hurt one of my kids in the process. Rather than put him in time out or trying to actually calm him down my sister and her husband just let him continue his out of control tirade which exploded into a full fledged tantrum eventually. Alon with the yelling, flopping and crazy antics he kept cutting in front of everyone in line, pushing all the kids around - just being a brat. I actually got onto him for his attitude (nothing out of line, no yelling - I just scolded him for spitting on his father) and my sister freaked out at me for getting onto her son. I chided her that maybe she should, then, control him.
Soon after we left the party.

When we do get together - and he's like that and they aren't doing a DAMN THING ABOUT IT. What am I suppose to do? Just sit there and let my kids be hurt and run over?

My sister doesn't spank, neither do I.
She has 2 kids (ages 5 and 3) and I have 4 kids (ages 12, 9, 6 and 3).

I don't HAVE problems like this with my kids - I might not spank them - but I DO punish and I DO put my foot down. Spit at me, smack me? NOT HAPPENING - EVER.

My only thought, now, is to avoid seeing my sister - EVER. :shrug: But that would deprive all the kids so that's not fair.

So how should I handle this? Something MUST change - they can't let him continue to be like that and just let everyone be disrespected and hurt all the time!

I'm going nuts . . . I'm pissed. . . any advice would be GREAT!

*edit*
Oh - I should mention that my sister and her husband pretend to be a close couple, but she tears into him *all the time* with a nasty little attitude problem. Honestly - if a man talked to his wife with that tone - he's be considered extremely abusive and controlling, if not worse. So, really, my sister controls and abuses her husband and their clash means then not agreeing on how to take care of the kids.
Happiness is a close, loving family.

Two states away.
 

Goshin

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We don't have problems like this in Clan McGoshin, because we raise children the old-fashioned way: we apply discipline consistenty, including whupping that ass if necessary.

No kidding, kids in my extended family don't act like that. It wouldn't be tolerated; the rest of us would shame the parents into putting their kids straight. There are currently six minors in the clan and they are all pretty well behaved.... imo because they were raised the old-fashioned way.

The first thing they have to do is establish who is in control. This obviously has not been done. Unfortunately you can't do it for them...

I'd have a talk with the Sis and tell her flat out that we weren't having anything to do with her branch of the family until she got her son under control, and I'd explain why: he's a danger and a misery to himself and everyone around him until he learns to act like a human being and not a baboon. This will only get worse as he gets older, if not corrected. Give it another ten years and he may be in the news as a teenage serial killer. If she's still speaking to you after that, offer some suggestions as to how she can bring him under control.

I'd tell her that if, perchance you were ever around her kids again and her son attacks your children, that you're going to yank him up and duck tape him to a wall if she doesn't handle it immediately.

I know people whose kids act like that. I avoid them, because I will not tolerate children acting that way; if they don't stop it then by golly I will if I'm there. This doesn't go over well with the slack-ass parents so I just stay away from them.

I can't abide parents who don't control their kids. It isn't the kid's fault: it is the slack-ass parents' fault.

"Police your kids now so the real police don't have to do it later."
 

Aunt Spiker

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Thank you.
I will do that, then - I will talk with her (in a most controlled manor) and tell her how I feel about the entire situation. . . and let her call the next shot.
I don't mind helping her parent. I don't mind at all. I want peaceful and happy family gatherings, not this dramatic crap where one child ruins everyone's good time.
 

MyOwnDrum

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It sounds to me that you need to gently distance yourself from your family. This boy is a juvenile delinquent in the making. There is nothing you can do about it. Confronting them will only cause a rift. A better course is to avoid time together.

If you have a birthday party for one of your kids, don't invite your sister. If she confronts you about it, tell her that you are keeping it small, with just a few playmates. Tell her you read that advise in a parenting magazine or on the internet. If you get invited to her house, something will come up and you won't be able to make it. Don't confront it because then she'll start yapping to the other female family members, and it'll start a family rift with people taking sides.

Unfortunately, you have some family members who have some problems (welcome to the club). Continue to build a healthy family of your own, and count your blessings while keeping your distance.
 

Aunt Spiker

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haha - yes - the club seems very packed! Lotsa people.

The real problem is that I've already been distancing myself - and my sister continually confronts me with "you don't spend enough time with us"
Apparently some brutal honesty is what she's needing - I don't spend more time with them because of things like this. And the time I *do* spend with them is becoming more and more tainted.

I don't get it (and I'll tell her that) Shes' very smart - and very stern with her beliefs and opinions. So *why* she isn't stern with her kid makes no sense - she won't chastise him when he's out of line but she'll bitch at her husband like he's a reckless derelict - in front of people.

So while her kids flopping around on the ground for the world to witness her husband's getting his ear chewed out for standing in the wrong spot.
 

MyOwnDrum

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Your sister sounds needy, demanding, bitchy, controlling, and ***** whipping. All this is rubbing off on her son, apparently. I'm sure worse goes on out of earshot of onlookers.

How do others in your family feel? Have you created alliances with them regarding your sister's son.

One thing you can say is that your kids feel threatened by her son's aggressive behavior and don't want to spend time with him. Suggest that you and she meet at Starbucks occasionally until the kids all get older.
 

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Thank you.
I will do that, then - I will talk with her (in a most controlled manor) and tell her how I feel about the entire situation. . . and let her call the next shot.
I don't mind helping her parent. I don't mind at all. I want peaceful and happy family gatherings, not this dramatic crap where one child ruins everyone's good time.
I know you don't know me from Adam, but I have to tell you that I'm not a big proponent of "self-help" books. However, I did read one when my children were very little by Chick Moorman called, "How to Talk to Your Children" - It really helped me. He talks about how to respond when children act out (and no - ignoring them until it stops isn't one of his recommendations). He talks about removing them from the situation and telling them what their options are and making them pick. It really does work...my kids are 12 and 9 and I've never relied on spanking them ever and they are not discipline problems.

Since your sister and her husband appear to be completely lacking in parenting skills, it couldn't hurt for them to give it a try.
 

Aunt Spiker

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Yeah, that's more good and sound advice.

I talked briefly with my Mom about my nephew and how she talks to her husband. My Mom agrees with me, it's unacceptable and grates her nerves, too. They live in the same city, though (unlike us - we're an hour away) and my Mom is with them often. I think she's actually built up an immunity to how truly wrong things are and shares no opinion with my sister at all - she tolerates it and adheres strictly to their parenting style when my sister has to go out of town (which si very often) and leaves her kids with Mom.

My sister is emotional, to boot - and for the last 2 years she's been high-strung on stress and working on her dissertation. In fact, her college-focus has been a key excuse for her continual tense attitude. Excuses excuses excuses is all I ever hear. . . but no action and no acceptance.

It can't continue and I'll talk to her about it - having a dinner without any children around for a few hours sound like a good idea. I think I'll follow through with that. Dinner, quiet, adult to adult conversation.
 

Aunt Spiker

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I know you don't know me from Adam, but I have to tell you that I'm not a big proponent of "self-help" books. However, I did read one when my children were very little by Chick Moorman called, "How to Talk to Your Children" - It really helped me. He talks about how to respond when children act out (and no - ignoring them until it stops isn't one of his recommendations). He talks about removing them from the situation and telling them what their options are and making them pick. It really does work...my kids are 12 and 9 and I've never relied on spanking them ever and they are not discipline problems.

Since your sister and her husband appear to be completely lacking in parenting skills, it couldn't hurt for them to give it a try.
Sounds great! I'll buy a copy, read it a bit, and give it to her.
 

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Sounds great! I'll buy a copy, read it a bit, and give it to her.
I eat peacefully in restaurants with my children thanks to the advice in that book. I wish you luck and will leave you with this: Sometimes, the children who are hardest to love are the ones who need it the most. :)
 

MyOwnDrum

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The boy might have some sort of chemical imbalance, most likely. ADHD comes to mind.
 

Aunt Spiker

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The boy might have some sort of chemical imbalance, most likely. ADHD comes to mind.
I've wondered that, too - it could be possible but until she gets herself in check it'll be hard to tell.
 

BDBoop

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That and/or somewhere on the autism spectrum. Either way and at any rate, he should probably be examined.

The boy might have some sort of chemical imbalance, most likely. ADHD comes to mind.
 

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I would mind my own business where the couple and the kid are involved, unless something illegal and abusive is happening, or unless your help is asked for. I dont know what is going on with them, but advice from outsiders, including family members such as yourself would not be helpful. It might even cause yet more problems.

I would concentrate on trying to make the situation as tolerable as possible for yourself, without trying to change them to do it. Maybe limit the time you spend with them, until the situation becomes calmer. It likely will. Looks like they are having some child care problems but these are not your problem. If there is some professional help needed, then teachers etc will likely spot it. If the kid behaves like this at school, then it wont go unattended to.
 

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haha - yes - the club seems very packed! Lotsa people.
The real problem is that I've already been distancing myself - and my sister continually confronts me with "you don't spend enough time with us"
That is what my sisters are like too. All that pressure to be closer and see them more often, eventually drove me away completely.
 

justabubba

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I'm just getting back from my Nephew's B-day party . .. he just turned 5.
He drives me nuts - and so does my sister and her husband and all his problems that I see and deal with directly related to their lack of parenting.

He's rude, he's mouthy. He picks fights, runs wild. When his parents try to control him (which doesn't happen very often) he smacks at them, spits at them and if they continue to try to deal with him he flops around, screaming and freaking out.

He doesn't listen to them.
They've stopped trying.
He doesn't listen to me.
And today I wanted to just explode on him. I think I've had enough.

Today he was running wild and hurt one of my kids in the process. Rather than put him in time out or trying to actually calm him down my sister and her husband just let him continue his out of control tirade which exploded into a full fledged tantrum eventually. Alon with the yelling, flopping and crazy antics he kept cutting in front of everyone in line, pushing all the kids around - just being a brat. I actually got onto him for his attitude (nothing out of line, no yelling - I just scolded him for spitting on his father) and my sister freaked out at me for getting onto her son. I chided her that maybe she should, then, control him.
Soon after we left the party.

When we do get together - and he's like that and they aren't doing a DAMN THING ABOUT IT. What am I suppose to do? Just sit there and let my kids be hurt and run over?

My sister doesn't spank, neither do I.
She has 2 kids (ages 5 and 3) and I have 4 kids (ages 12, 9, 6 and 3).


I don't HAVE problems like this with my kids - I might not spank them - but I DO punish and I DO put my foot down. Spit at me, smack me? NOT HAPPENING - EVER.

My only thought, now, is to avoid seeing my sister - EVER. :shrug: But that would deprive all the kids so that's not fair.

So how should I handle this? Something MUST change - they can't let him continue to be like that and just let everyone be disrespected and hurt all the time!

I'm going nuts . . . I'm pissed. . . any advice would be GREAT!

*edit*
she has a 3 year old who does not demonstrate the same problems as the 5 year old
i am guessing they parent both the same way, but get opposite results

and to avoid being in a situation you clearly do not enjoy, how is that depriving your kids? maybe they don't spend as much time with the well behaved 3 year old cousin because of the 5 year old's (and his Mom's) behavior. but is the tension you experience worth it?

Oh - I should mention that my sister and her husband pretend to be a close couple, but she tears into him *all the time* with a nasty little attitude problem. Honestly - if a man talked to his wife with that tone - he's be considered extremely abusive and controlling, if not worse. So, really, my sister controls and abuses her husband and their clash means then not agreeing on how to take care of the kids.
a few things here
the marriage must be paramount in a family. the kids cannot come first ... otherwise the kid(s) come to manipulate and dominate the family by pitting one parent against the other. would not be surprised if the 5 year old has not already figured this out
i also suspect you and your sister have other than a smooth relationship. you are critical about how she raises her child and how she abuses her husband. she wonders why you do not get together more often. would seem that is the perfect opportunity to level with her (privately) about how you feel ... and how tense being around her and her son and the scorn she publicly heaps on her husband in your presence
invite her to confirm with your Mom whether she also sees it as you do (let your Mom know you are going to do this before you make that suggestion)
could very well be your sister is where she wants to be ... and until she is made to know that is not a comfortable place for you, she has no motivation to change. warning: when she finds out your feelings, that may very well be unsufficient reason for her to adopt a different parenting style or relationship with her spouse

you know what you want to say to her. the next time she complains about not getting together as often as she would like, level with her
it may be that she has manipulated her sister and Mom like her son manipulates their family
 
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