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Uggh needy needy Husband

ClaraD

ClaraD

DP Veteran
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Messages
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Location
Somewhere in the Low Country
Gender
Female
Political Leaning
Slightly Liberal
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
 
If you guys have agreed that two days a week you will be doing something else then when he calls you simply need to remind him that today is your day off. Maybe work out at the beginning of each week what day you will be off. Bring him into the decision (if you havent already) and say Sunday and what other day works best for you?
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...
Tell him to take two other days off to do some of the household stuff that you do. (Or maybe you each take one day off a week.)

You just might find that you need him to do some of the emergency stuff that he keeps asking you to do.
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...

Others have made good suggestions about setting boundaries but is one issue regarding the communication that you are needed a lot to translate for him? If so I would suggest a good translating app that he can use independently to help communicate.
 
americanwoman said:
Others have made good suggestions about setting boundaries but is one issue regarding the communication that you are needed a lot to translate for him? If so I would suggest a good translating app that he can use independently to help communicate.
Click to expand...
yes, he needs me to tell such and such client one thing or the other, because he is very insecure about his English abilities...though I think he does a pretty decent job of making himself understood and the clients appreciate him attempting to communicate. There are things he absolutely needs help with...for instance we were just replacing some siding for a customer and when he pulled the siding found a center support beam with dry rot...that is something difficult for him to make understood and of course he stopped the job, so the customer could see it...and of course it went from changing 4 pieces of siding to something much more serious and major and permits needed....so there is plastic covering to protect from the rain and a whole situation of discovering why there is moisture and where the rot came from. (checking to make sure there aren't leaks or water infiltration....) I was sad for the client and suggested the insurance take a look, but he decided against that and is taking the hit in the pocketbook.
 
Mycroft said:
Tell him to take two other days off to do some of the household stuff that you do. (Or maybe you each take one day off a week.)

You just might find that you need him to do some of the emergency stuff that he keeps asking you to do.
Click to expand...
Not really, he takes off Sundays with me. He doesn't take off another day in the week, but he also doesn't help with any chores at home or other errands such as paying bills for both the business and home.
 
Fletch said:
If you guys have agreed that two days a week you will be doing something else then when he calls you simply need to remind him that today is your day off. Maybe work out at the beginning of each week what day you will be off. Bring him into the decision (if you havent already) and say Sunday and what other day works best for you?
Click to expand...
Seems reasonable...maybe I will add that I won't respond to the phone unless it is a dire emergency such as an accident on the job site or damage to property(which fingers crossed will not happen and hasn't happened in the past), because clearly I would need to contact the insurance. I already have inspectors up my butt all of the time and they are even more irritating....and also don't respect days off....they show up when they get a hair up their butt to do so...final inspections are planned, but these just stopped by to see how things were going make me want to throw stuff at them....but you have to grin and bear it with them, because they can really make life difficult, if they want to.
 
ClaraD said:
Not really, he takes off Sundays with me. He doesn't take off another day in the week, but he also doesn't help with any chores at home or other errands such as paying bills for both the business and home.
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Oh. Well, that sucks then.
 
Gotta have a conversation. If he wasn't your husband, and just a business partner, what would you say?
 
Mycroft said:
Oh. Well, that sucks then.
Click to expand...
it does...I don't expect him to...he pulls long, hard physical hours...because he does the work right along with his guys. He doesn't just stand there giving orders(which is something I appreciate) I am just going insane, because I cannot get my work done and during the work week I struggle with getting administrative stuff, inspectors and all that jazz, as well as the invoices and payments done...as I sit here posting on line...I am also doing estimates, material orders, etc and sending out invoices to customers. It sucks I suppose, but I just need to figure out how to not make him so needy in the field.
 
ClaraD said:
I would absolutely say, is it an emergency? If not send me a text and I will address it tomorrow.
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My wife and I work for the same company, but different locations. I'm above her in higherarchy, so she often calls and texts me when she needs help or answers. We made a deal that, when this is done, I'm to be respected as her boss...not in terms of yes sir no sir BS, but in terms of my time and privacy. Work is work, home is home. It takes practice, but when you get it down, it 100% reduces stress and toxicity. Business partnerships are the hardest sort of business to run effectively, for the reasons you've listed. You both have to establish some agreed upon rules, and then have the discipline to stick to them. Try imposing PT details for when he needs you on a day off. IE, the price for making you leave the house on a non work day is, one weekend of laundry duty, or dish detail the next 3 days, etc.
 
ClaraD said:
it does...I don't expect him to...he pulls long, hard physical hours...because he does the work right along with his guys. He doesn't just stand there giving orders(which is something I appreciate) I am just going insane, because I cannot get my work done and during the work week I struggle with getting administrative stuff, inspectors and all that jazz, as well as the invoices and payments done...as I sit here posting on line...I am also doing estimates, material orders, etc and sending out invoices to customers. It sucks I suppose, but I just need to figure out how to not make him so needy in the field.
Click to expand...

I don't know it's a good quality that he works along with the workers but maybe it's time for him to put that aside until he feels confident about his communication. Spend more time learning the ropes.
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...
Include him in more of your planning. You can practice multilingualism.

Hope things go well in your new endeavors.
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...

Possibly taking a little off your plate would provide more time and less work? Then tell hubby to rely on his own initiative a bit more rather than call you about everything?
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...
It sounds like your husband isn't prepared to run the business without you.

You should work on that with him.
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...

Clara, I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm still single. I just wanted to tell you that I imagine your husband looking like Ricky Ricardo. If he does look like him, then drop everything else and do exactly what he asks you to do. If you don't do that, they you'll have some 'splainin' to do. ( :) )

Sorry, Clara. Carry on..
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...
Your income is from your old and historic house renovations. You manage customer interactions and your husband who struggles with English as a second language, generally does the hammer and saw part. You take 2 days a week off the job to do personal things and house work which a house cleaner could do for 1/2 what it cost for you to do. You leave your husband to deal with customers which he is not good at and he makes 1.5 calls per hour in his 9 hour work day which interrupts your planning for you new little side business.

So when does your husband get his uninterrupted 2 days off to do personal stuff, wash clothes, shop and start his own little new side business?
 
Last edited:
weaver2 said:
Your income is from your old and historic house renovations. You manage customer interactions and your husband who struggles with English as a second language, generally does the hammer and saw part. You take 2 days a week off the job to do personal things and house work which a house cleaner could do for 1/2 what it cost for you to do. You leave your husband to deal with customers which he is not good at and he makes 1.5 calls per hour in his 9 hour work day which interrupts your planning for you new little side business.

So when does your husband get his uninterrupted 2 days off to do personal stuff, wash clothes, shop and start his own little new side business?
Click to expand...
who said he makes 1.5 calls? He was calling me multiple times every hour.....but we have worked it out. Also, no, I am not hiring a housekeeper....this is my house and I clean it and take care of it. I prefer not letting non-family in my house during a Pandemic.

He struggles with English, but 1 day, not 2 days a week he can deal with...and he gets through an English conversation with people just fine....he just doesn't speak like any of us do.
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...
Life is governed by the immutable laws of cause and effect. If you allow him to remain dependent on you (the cause) you will continue to have to be his savior (the effect). It appears that this has been the situation with the two of you, however, and now you want it to end and possibly have not been direct enough with him to tell him that you also have hopes and dreams of X. Unless and until you have an agreement that the former rules of your relationship no longer work for you and need to change, you will not escape without a ton of animosity. That being said, most all of the time, people create their own situations (cause) and expect the (effect) to be different THIS time. It appears to me that you want your partner to willingly go along with your agenda when he is incapable of handling matters without your assistance. Unless HE is willing to immerse himself in studying English and become proficient at it as well as him gaining confidence in dealing with people by doing something like taking public speaking at a community college, how could your situation change?

One of the problems that people have in life is a lack of proper communication and mutual agreement. One partner wants A and the other has no desire whatsoever in A and wants B. The one that wants A imagines that the other should want A too and if he/she loved them enough, they would want A too. unless the two can reach a mutual agreement of what is best for the two of them, anger and resentment is inevitable with marriage in serious danger of being terminated.
 
ClaraD said:
Okay, most of you know that my husband has some challenges in English. His native language is Spanish, but he tends to do okay understanding and communicating with our clients for the most part. We do restoration of Historic homes and very old homes. Anyhow, I have decided that 2 days a week...1 day during the week and Sunday I am off from doing our business work, so that I can focus on a few things on my plate....cleaning the house, laundry, and my personal things...as well as I want to plan for when we retire a business that I want to do just for the fun of it. I want to open a coffee shop and antique consignment shop in a very small town that we work in, in South Carolina. So, all of that takes a ton of planning and budgeting etc...plus not to mention grocery shopping, laundry and home stuff....yet, today...my supposed day off...he called me no less than 14 times between 9am and 6pm. It drove me absolutely insane...not to mention early he wanted me to run to the jobsite an hour away from our home, because he needed such and such. So, not sure when I am going to feasibly get the other stuff done that we need in our personal life...not to mention I kind of need some down time, just to relax. grrr...am I being unreasonable? I know he needs me to communicate price lists, etc...when it rains, letting a customer know we cannot paint that day, etc...but 14 times in 9 hours?

How do I communicate that I love him very much and support our business and want it to succeed, but I also need time for personal stuff too.
Click to expand...
 
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