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Thoughts on the whale

Red_Dave

Libertarian socialist
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Thoughts on the whale



Sir Menzies Campbell: This is, of course, a distressing time for those of us who have supported the whale through thick and thin. There is no point in attempting to deny it, and I for one would certainly not wish to do so.

But let us be clear on one thing. The whale is not dead, and there is no use pretending that it is. In fact, in many respects, the whale has never had it so good. All it needs is a safe pair of hands to guide it through the months and years ahead.

My task is to secure a sense of unity and purpose among those of us who remain convinced it is alive. We must send our message of hope and optimism out to the country, loud and clear. We have a sense of purpose, we have a great deal to do, and a great opportunity in which to do it. The whale has never been in better shape.

Mohamed Fayed: They kill him, the whale, you know what I telling you. I never forgive them, never. The whale he lovely mammal, good to his mum, always shop in Harrods, and what they do? They kill him. I spoking to whale last week, he good friend, and the whale he tell me, Mohamed, I planning swim to you with your British passport, deliver it next weekend, but I sure pretty Mister Pansy Blair and nancy-boy Prince so-called Philip they plotting kill me in Thames River before I managing get to Park Lane. But you man of honour, Mohamed, my friend, must be revealing truth to world.

Jilly Cooper: Golly, he did look so deliciously sexy, swimming up the river with nothing on but his birthday suit! And the way he just sat back and enjoyed the ride in that dear little rubber dinghy was so irresistible and utterly utterly utterly darling! All the most gorgeous girls on the Embankment must have been so very very desperate to ride him in their next gymkhana! When I heard he had passed away I literally wanted to blubber (!!) my eyes out!

Sir Tim Rice: "Oh yes, He was a whale!

Far too big for a pail!

So the rescue mission failed!

He wasn't a seal And now he is dead, who knows how he felt?"

David Starkey: What a truly disgusting creature it was! How that great blubbery oaf - clinically obese with a ghastly rubbery nose like some sort of bottle - could have imagined it was going to traipse his way up the Thames without a by-your-leave, I simply do not know. The last thing one wants is gangs of great fat whales crowding out our restaurants and museums. Frankly, he got what he deserved, with brass knobs on. It's all those wonderfully intelligent little herrings I feel so very, very happy for.

David Cameron: One of the reasons I joined the Conservative Party was to welcome bottle-nosed whales to the Thames, and to stop them dying.

I believe that our country urgently needs a Conservative government that will tackle the challenges British whales face as they are dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Whales have a massive mountain to climb if they are to adapt to today's surroundings - and I intend to be there for them.

I, too, am a mammal, and I also enjoy swimming. That's why I'm a Conservative. You see, I know what it's like to find oneself in a bit of a corner and to struggle for breath while one is towed along on a giant barge. I believe passionately in the needs of today's modern whale. I'm a Conservative first and foremost because I am also a whale.

Tony Benn: Quite terrifying, really, when you come to think about it.

Needless to say, it was the arms manufacturers who put the whale up to it, in league with the multi-nationals and the whale leaders. The Establishment have always wanted a whale in the Thames. That way, they hope that ordinary decent working people will have their minds on other things, so won't start asking awkward questions.

They must think we're all proper Charlies. Don't tell me that whale wasn't controlled by M15. Blair would have called him in, sat him down, perhaps offered him a knighthood or a peerage, and told him that they needed a diversion from the whole Iraq fiasco, so couldn't he be an awfully good fellow and swim up and down the Thames.

Then they got scared, didn't they? The intelligence services couldn't afford to have this undercover whale blubbering his mouth off, so they made sure he never came back. If you looked carefully, you could see it was the Home Secretary who was driving that barge, with George Bush in his sou'wester at the helm. It makes my blood boil.

Nicked from [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2006/01/26/do2604.xml]
 
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