This question is for the hetero men on the forum ...

[Turin]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

 

[Glen Contrarian]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

While weight is indeed a factor, compatibility is far more important. My wife and I have been married for 24 years, and we still get accused of being newlyweds. Why? Because we are so compatible. We both believe in true love, and we both want true love - I know, sounds corny, but true love is real. I know because that's what we have! We really did get that brass ring on the merry-go-round of life!

It helps that we are of about the same age, and that we both know the value of humility, that we're both of the same religion, that we both hold the other's happiness as a real priority (read "The Gift of the Magi" sometime"). And what I learned along the way is that (1) the man must never stop courting the woman, and (2) the woman must never allow the man to stop courting her!

I know all that sounds corny, but again, we've got that brass ring - we've got the best marriage of anyone we know. And I truly do believe that I'm the luckiest man on the face of the planet.

One last thing - don't settle! Do NOT settle for just some guy, hoping he'll get better as time goes on. Another thing I learned is that while women always change, men never do. If he's got a lot of faults now, he's still going to have those faults twenty years from now. Look for someone who makes you laugh, someone who puts you on a pedestal, someone who really wants to hear what you have to say. Whatever you do, don't get involved with a hardheaded man, and especially one who is violent, or is prone to bragging how tough he is. Try to be friends first - because that's what we did. We were friends for over a year, with no thought of romance (I was married to someone else at the time)...so that you can know that you can both love him AND like him. That's also very important.

And one more thing - as a very, very happily married man, I've found out that the very best thing I can wish for others is that they are just as happy as we are. I do wish you the very best. And don't settle!

 

[Chomsky]

The priority depends entirely on what I'm looking for at the moment.

Without attempting to sound callous (though it probably will), the three main categories of my dating motives and the respective qualities desired - have been:

- A sexual experience = Sexual attractiveness

- Fun companionship = Easy going, fun loving, no strings & no expectations, and whatever happens, happens.

- Serious relationship = Trust & ethics, above all. Women who are better than me. For some reason, that's a big turn-on for me: virtuous women.

My motives have varied and vacillated over the years, but fall roughly as above and sometimes blending.

For example: I've briefly had sexual relationships with several women who I found extremely sexually attractive, but lacking in the qualities I desire for a long-term relationship. I've also had some (O.K., maybe more than some) fun but crazy friends-with-benefits that were a blast to party with for a night or two, but were just too loose and too intense to have a long-term deeply-attached relationship with.

So my most prevalent relationships have been 'fun' types, followed by several 'serious' ones, and then a few that were nearly purely my sexual attraction to them. I'm now married to - you guessed it - the most virtuous women I ever met. What can I say? I love and am attracted to virtuous women!

 

[Mr Person]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

Well I've been out of the dating pool for roughly 16 years now, but if I wasn't married:


I do have a bit of a shallow streak in that weight is a big factor. I simply don't find myself attracted to the "average" sized American. At all. (And I intend to maintain a high level of fitness for myself until I literally cannot; if I live to 95, I want to be one of those bad*** grandpas who run races/marathons, even at a much reduced speed. So at least it's not hypocrisy.).

Beauty? Well, I'd probably be looking for someone more attractive than average, but I don't have any kind of objective measurement worked out. That's more of an "I know it when I see it" sort of thing.

Once those two hurdles are passed, the person would have to be highly intelligent, trustworthy, and interested in all sorts of things.




I could never date someone I considered a 10/10 in terms of attractiveness if they weren't intelligent, so it is actually a rather important factor despite the fact that I mentioned it near the end of the list.

 

[Henrin]

I wonder how many men actually know the order here. From the answers so far it would seem that men have a rough idea, but that's about it. Why do women always think men know the order anyway?

 

[DifferentDrummr]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

Sorry to go slightly off-topic, but there's one thing I'm curious about.

Other than "feminine," wouldn't people of any combination of gender and orientation be looking for all of these things when dating for a possible relationship?

 

[Gathomas88]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

Ideally, for me?

A girl in the 21 - 30 age range (I could go a couple of years older or younger, but I'd prefer not to without a compelling reason), who I find physically attractive, and with whom I either share a compatible set of values, or whom I could potentially bring around to them. I don't really make any major differentiation in my preferences with regards to "casual" vs "serious" because I approach basically all relationships as if they have the potential to be serious. That's simply my overall goal for this type of interaction.

Going into specifics regarding just what exactly I find "attractive" isn't as easy as simply listing off the things I don't find attractive instead. Where that's concerned...

1. Stupidity - The occasional bit of silliness or ditziness is fine (it can even be a desirable trait, in point of fact), but outright stupidity in either thought or action is going to be an issue.

2. Fat - I'm sorry, but this is a big one for me. Slender and toned is the ideal. While I can handle a bit of variation in that regard, I'm simply going to struggle to be attracted to someone who's noticeably "let themselves go."

3. Disagreeableness - Again, I'm sorry, but if she's a massive ball busting harpy, that's just not going to work.

4. Overt promiscuity - I mean... Sure. Everyone's messed around a little bit these days. There's also something to be said for the possibility of reform. However, if she's basically the village bicycle, and proud of it, that's just gross in my opinion. Frankly, the same goes for women who feel the need to aggressively flirt with other men or otherwise "flaunt" themselves while they are in a relationship. That's just not something I want to deal with.

5. Overly freaky sexual preferences - Sex should come naturally, and be generally enjoyable for everyone involved. If she's overly demanding, or overly off the beaten path in what she wants, that's going to get real old, real quick. I overthink enough things in my life, thank you very much. Physical intimacy doesn't need to be one of them.

I really don't care what she does for a living, or what her skills might happen to be, unless it somehow plays into one of the factors above.

 

[Turin]

Ideally, for me?

A girl in the 21 - 30 age range (I could go a couple of years older or younger, but I'd prefer not to without a compelling reason), who I find physically attractive, and with whom I either share a compatible set of values, or whom I could potentially bring around to them. I don't really make any major differentiation in my preferences with regards to "casual" vs "serious" because I approach basically all relationships as if they have the potential to be serious. That's simply my overall goal for this type of interaction.

Going into specifics regarding just what exactly I find "attractive" isn't as easy as simply listing off the things I don't find attractive instead. Where that's concerned...

1. Stupidity - The occasional bit of silliness or ditziness is fine (it can even be a desirable trait, in point of fact), but outright stupidity in either thought or action is going to be an issue.

2. Fat - I'm sorry, but this is a big one for me. Slender and toned is the ideal. While I can handle a bit of variation in that regard, I'm simply going to struggle to be attracted to someone who's noticeably "let themselves go."

3. Disagreeableness - Again, I'm sorry, but if she's a massive ball busting harpy, that's just not going to work.

4. Overt promiscuity - I mean... Sure. Everyone's messed around a little bit these days. There's also something to be said for the possibility of reform. However, if she's basically the village bicycle, and proud of it, that's just gross in my opinion. Frankly, the same goes for women who feel the need to aggressively flirt with other men or otherwise "flaunt" themselves while they are in a relationship. That's just not something I want to deal with.

5. Overly freaky sexual preferences - Sex should come naturally, and be generally enjoyable for everyone involved. If she's overly demanding, or overly off the beaten path in what she wants, that's going to get real old, real quick. I overthink enough things in my life, thank you very much. Physical intimacy doesn't need to be one of them.

I really don't care what she does for a living, or what her skills might happen to be, unless it somehow plays into one of the factors above.

Interesting and if I were a man I would have some of the same on my list although what someone does for a living would be a consideration.

What is your age --- was wondering if you were close in age to the age you had on your list.

I agree completely with promiscuity and also approaching all relationships as potentially could be serious.

 

[PerfectStorm]

Eliminated some choices.......

Intellect
Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Sensual
Feminine
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Vivacious

 

[Rico Suave]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

Weight is very important as it is highly correlated with beauty and femininity. I would never date a woman who weighs more than me. Intellect and positive outlook next in line

 

[gdgyva]

when i was in the dating pool what was important to me were

independent....someone who wanted, but didnt NEED me around
intelligent.....had to be able to keep up their end of the conversation
successful....didnt matter in what, but someone that had some success in life
sensual....have a good sex appeal, no matter what body type
friendly....generally be an outgoing, spontaneous, fun person who people like to have around

what the package was wrapped in mattered, but i knew if i found those qualities if there was any chemistry there, i would fall for the lady

and i did.....

 

[jimbo]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

Weight is important to me
Intellect and Trustworthy second

 

[roughdraft274]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

People in general when you ask them "what are you looking for in a partner" aren't going to be very honest. Possibly because they aren't even sure 100% and what they want might change monthly. Guys could easily list "positive outlook" as the number 1 on their list and then the next day fall for a girl who's always complaining but looks hot. A list is simply not very accurate in figuring out something as terribly complicated as attraction. It's like asking someone what their ideal work of art would be and then expecting them to go to a museum and not fall for a completely different piece of art etc.

 

[DifferentDrummr]

People in general when you ask them "what are you looking for in a partner" aren't going to be very honest. Possibly because they aren't even sure 100% and what they want might change monthly. Guys could easily list "positive outlook" as the number 1 on their list and then the next day fall for a girl who's always complaining but looks hot. A list is simply not very accurate in figuring out something as terribly complicated as attraction. It's like asking someone what their ideal work of art would be and then expecting them to go to a museum and not fall for a completely different piece of art etc.

Well put. More often than not, people have no idea what attracts them to a particular person so strongly. And in fact, they often feel that, on a conscious level, they "shouldn't" be attracted to that person, but still are.

 

[Tanngrisnir]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

Intellect: HAS to be smart. Really smart.
Capable at life in genera: I have no interest in cleaning up the messes of a screw-up
Same age, +/- 2 years.
Beauty: I have a very specific type, so it sort of narrows it down that way.
Sensuous

 

[Gathomas88]

Interesting and if I were a man I would have some of the same on my list although what someone does for a living would be a consideration.

What is your age --- was wondering if you were close in age to the age you had on your list.

I agree completely with promiscuity and also approaching all relationships as potentially could be serious.

I'm 28 years old. At 21 to 30, we're still basically talking about my peer group - Just different sections of it.

 

[Gathomas88]

Weight is very important as it is highly correlated with beauty and femininity. I would never date a woman who weighs more than me. Intellect and positive outlook next in line

Depending on how much I've been exercising lately, I generally weigh in somewhere between 185 and 200 lbs.

Simply put, if an average height woman weighs as much, or more, than that, there's a problem. :lol:

I've seen some women who still manage to look good at 150 lb (assuming they're a bit more on the tall and stocky side), but even that's kind of pushing it in most cases.

 

[humbolt]

I always check for a pulse first.

 

[AGENT J]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

Ill just use your system and rank how i feel about them on a scale from 0-5 in general since you brought it up, weight/appearance IS a factor but its not the end all. Out of shape is fine if the rest is great. I must admit it would be hard to talk to a NEW person who was extremely overweight and not i dont mean on those silly charts lol . . . anyway heres my answers with some fill in the blanks

0 doesnt matter at all
1 little importance
2 below avg importance
3 normal importance
4 above avg imprtance
5 extremely important


Trustworthy- 4
Capable at life in general- 4
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life- 4
Beauty/Physical attractiveness- 3
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal- 0 (especially 10lbs, who cares), 30 lbs? ok now i start to care i guess in a NEW relationship and rank it a 3
Intellect -4
Skill sets, specifics? - just basic life skills is fine. the ability to learn and be independant is MORE important than skill actually known. So ill call this independence and rank it a 4
Years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect? - years dont matter that much either if the rest is ok. If it were near perfect then it matter even less. im my life time ive "dated"(official relationships 12 up 24/36 10 down 28/18. I dated 12 up (same) and 14 down 35/21.
Vivacious - 3
Sensual - 5
Feminine - 2

 

[Absentglare]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

That's kind of a complicated question. The answer is that the way attraction occurs (at least for me) is that i'm not keenly aware of the underlying methodology behind the assessment.

I found some time ago that women who i found myself to be attracted to to were ambitious, vivacious and intellectual. I think, to some degree, our perception of their personality gets superimposed on their appearance.

Unfortunately, this only goes so far. I wish us men were not so woefully superficial and barbaric, but that does seem to be the reality.

Allow me to quickly kind of rank your criteria:

0. Attracted to me
1. Intellect
2. Trustworthy
3. Friendly/positive
4. Beauty
5. Weight
6. Vivacious
7. Capable at life

Weight, in particular, is a strange one. I've heard that men prioritize weight as an indirect indicator of age. Weight, itself, isn't the whole story. Women with bigger bones and curvier bodies can still be irresistibly attractive, and, while i am ashamed to admit it (due to its superficial nature), excess cellulite is noticeably unattractive. The way i see it, if a woman gets a healthy amount of exercise and maintains a reasonable appetite, that's all it takes. The number, itself, is less relevant than the effort put into maintenance.

I ranked trustworthy very high because i think commitment is very important. Without trust, the relationship can evaporate at any time.

I added #0 there, i think it often goes unnoticed. When we're a kid and we ask out someone we have a crush on, it's heartbreaking when they say no: but as an adult, i'd much rather get the "meh, i'm not that into you," upfront rather than wasting my time. I certainly don't want someone going out with me out of pity- there was a line from Roseanne, oh it was great, John Goodman's character told his daughter "He doesn't need someone to feel sorry for him the rest of his life." I think the role of mutual arousal often goes understated in our culture.

 

[Rico Suave]

Depending on how much I've been exercising lately, I generally weigh in somewhere between 185 and 200 lbs.

Simply put, if an average height woman weighs as much, or more, than that, there's a problem. :lol:

I've seen some women who still manage to look good at 150 lb (assuming they're a bit more on the tall and stocky side), but even that's kind of pushing it in most cases.

Agree. I'm still a serious cyclist so my weight varies between 155-170 depending on the time of year. No way in hell if I were single would I date someone over 150# unless they were 6'+ (And they wouldn't be interested anyway. I'm in to slim athletic. Think Hate Hudson/Jessica Alba.

 

[Turin]

Intellect: HAS to be smart. Really smart.
Capable at life in genera: I have no interest in cleaning up the messes of a screw-up
Same age, +/- 2 years.
Beauty: I have a very specific type, so it sort of narrows it down that way.
Sensuous

So what is your specific type?

I'm 28 years old. At 21 to 30, we're still basically talking about my peer group - Just different sections of it.

yea that is a good range for a 28 year old.

I always check for a pulse first.

That is funny!

 

[Turin]

It was cool to hear what guys will answer in a fairly anonymous forum.

I agree on qualities --- I never really ranked - yet I have a friend who does and has joined a dating site and she is focused on such so it caught my interest.

Oh and the reason I even included weight … my friend is really beautiful and she and I are the same height. Men seem not to see her.

we are both 5'4".

I am 108 lbs and she is about 145 or maybe more. She is really nicely distributed and she is curvy. Yet men seemed to walk right past her and I though tit might be the weight.

I am not looking for a bf yet she is and I think the wt might be it yet I would ever say this to her.

 

[beefheart]

Which order would you put these qualities as desirable and important when dating for the purpose of a possible relationship.

Trustworthy
Capable at life in general
Friendly and with generally happy/positive outlook on life
Beauty/Physical attractiveness
Weight - maintains weight within 10 lbs of ideal
Intellect
Skill sets - specifics?
years difference from your own age that you would you go higher or lower if all the qualities of above were near perfect?
Vivacious
Sensual
Feminine

Add or subtract or comments.

I had lunch with male colleagues and a few had used dating sites and their biggest issue was weight? (that surprised me)

Intellect is always first, because if you can't communicate, and you don't have a mind...nothing else matters.

 

[Hawkeye10]

It was cool to hear what guys will answer in a fairly anonymous forum.

I agree on qualities --- I never really ranked - yet I have a friend who does and has joined a dating site and she is focused on such so it caught my interest.

Oh and the reason I even included weight … my friend is really beautiful and she and I are the same height. Men seem not to see her.

we are both 5'4".

I am 108 lbs and she is about 145 or maybe more. She is really nicely distributed and she is curvy. Yet men seemed to walk right past her and I though tit might be the weight.

I am not looking for a bf yet she is and I think the wt might be it yet I would ever say this to her.

Weight probably has something to do with it but for sure men dont see her as sexually appealing. You hear older women talking a lot about "the age at which I became invisible" and by this they dont mean just to men, and it happens over a few short years. Chunky girls can compensate to some degree with dressing and personality, if they are downright fat then not really. Though there are a fair number of guys who look for fat, them I have never figured out.