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The Politician - A Primer (1 Viewer)


Jul 19, 2005
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I. A politician must be popular. People like those who are most like themselves, and so a politician must be likable. Most people are bigoted, stupid and vulgar; and so to be popular, a politician should eschew all cultural refinement as snobbish and elitist, and make himself a perfect philistine. His should be the hardy handshake and backslapping camaraderie among the masses; and it would be helpful to be at least proficient in kissing ugly babies.
II. A politician must be flexible in his beliefs. In politics there is a distinction between what is "right" and what is "politically correct"; for what the many say is so, will be so, whether it is so or not; and a politician must so adapt.
III. A politician must have a good sense of junket. A politician must be willing to endure the hardships of travel to far-off places, for the game of politics is not just played in the lobbies of K Street, but on the golf courses of the world. A politician should not be hesitant about using corporate jets; and being a member of a fancy yacht club is an absolute must.
IV. A politician must be long-winded. A politician should be able to hold forth on any subject for hours on end and not say anything of substance. The debate and diatribe are his daily fare, the filibuster his forte.
V. A politician must be able to talk out of both sides of his mouth. A politician has to be capable of giving leave to one side while giving lip service to the other and lauding neither. And while all will hear his "Hear, hear!" none will hear his whys and wherefores.
VI. A politician must be wary of the truth. There is nothing more dangerous than the truth, for if the public should know the truth, all of government will succumb to mob rule and anarchy prevail; and so a politician must exercise the greatest care and skill in concealing it. In this, a politician must be able to lie convincingly and consistently well; and be expert at destroying evidence, which, in preserving his office, if not all important, is essential.
VII. A politician must not have scruples about money. To take other’s money inspires confidence in one’s constituency, for a politician who cannot be bribed, cannot be trusted. In the buying and selling of political influence, bribery adds the commercial appeal of being certain of one’s man; and a politician with a head for business will turn a good profit from selling his office many times over for there is nothing more costly than a favor.
VIII. A politician must be accountable to his constituency. A politician's constituency is not the public but his financial backers. In this, a politician should be scrupulous to pay political debts, in kind and on time. In the final account, those who count do not credit honesty and integrity, but getting their money’s worth
IX. A politician must be able to handle responsibility. This requires some adroitness. A politician should be ever ready to take responsibility for what goes well, whether or not he had a hand in the matter; but when things go awry, as often do, he should not be wanting for someone else to blame.
X. A politician must always respect religion. He who bites of the church will, like a mad dog, die of distemper. A politician, whether religious or not, must always appear to be for religion, for to have God on one’s side is to have the best of allies. The most skilled politicians have been - like Rodrigo Borgia (Pope Alexander VI) - pious frauds.
XI. A politician must have character but not too much. Good character is a heavy mantle, and to be a good politician, one must be able to wear it but lightly. Besides dishonesty and duplicity, a politician’s principal virtues should be avarice and ambition, which in politics go hand in hand.
XII. A politician must be willing to sacrifice all for the sake of appearance. In the media world, image is everything; and so it is not enough to be good, one must be seen to be good as well. (Even Presidents are packaged and sold this way.) Likewise, one’s political opponent must be shown to be bad in all respects to make oneself appear the better candidate. In this, never underestimate the power of negative advertising.
XIII. A politician must toe the party line. He must stand firmly on the party platform, and proclaim party agenda his creed. Still, one’s party may not always have direction, and a good politician, like a good navigator, must know which way the wind blows, and never steer a course against the mainstream. In the tempests of politics, a wise politician finds a snug harbor in the bosom of the party, or somewhere safe along the line.
XIV. A politician must have means to ends. To have good means is good, but when one has only bad means, they must suffice for it is the end that matters. In politics, there is no excuse for failure, and no need for excuse for success, however achieved.
Nemo said:
X. A politician must always respect religion. He who bites of the church will, like a mad dog, die of distemper. A politician, whether religious or not, must always appear to be for religion, for to have God on one’s side is to have the best of allies. The most skilled politicians have been - like Rodrigo Borgia (Pope Alexander VI) - pious frauds.
"Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers. It tells people to go out and stick their noses in other people's business."-Jesse Ventura, speaking as Governor of Minnesota in a Playboy interview. GOOOOO JESSE!!!!
XV. A politician must be able to betray others for his own interests. In the history of the world, there has never been a politician who, in his efforts to crawl his way to the top of the dung heap, not done so but over those he stabbed in the back. In this, a politician should always be mindful of those who stand behind him.
XVI. A politician must be willing to sell himself. A politician is a prostitute in a business suit, and if he must be his own pimp, so much the better. Politics, while not the world’’s oldest profession, is not the less honorable; and if the race can be fixed by counting tricks, betting odds are the politician will turn up trumps.

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