George_Washington
DP Veteran
- Joined
- Oct 2, 2005
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- Gender
- Male
- Political Leaning
- Conservative
Gather around the campfire, my friends. I am here to tell you about the most infamous figure in all of ancient mythology, a being said to be so evil, that even Odin himself would not dare to smite.
I am speaking of he who I dare not say his name, lest he come...
I am talking about...
The Melty Man
Old Danish mythology speaks of a man so evil, possibly the son of Satan himself, that is a dark enemy of all that is good. This Melty Man is said to be the destroyer of mens' erections, the hater of reproduction, and the abolitionist of love making. The old Danish saying goes...
"Don't say his name. Don't even think it or else he'll come...and take your erection."
It all started in a small town in northern Denmark back sometime around 1000 A.D. There was man named Hans Vagner. He lived happily with his wife until one day he was out walking through the Black Forest of Impotency, when he stumbled upon a very large and tall figure. The next thing he knew, he went unconscious. When he awoke several hours later, he felt strange, as if all of the testosterone in his body had left him.
Hans went back to his village. He went about his business and for several months, everything seemed ok. Until one day, he noticed the same look of sexual frustration on every male in the village!
The towns people were frantic. They called a meeting to discuss why all of the men in the village had been rendered sterile and impotent. No one could figure it out, not even the wisest elders of the village.
"Hey, you got it up lately, Bob?"
"Not in months, Paul. How about you?"
"Nope. My wife thinks I've become gay."
"I always thought you were?"
"Go to hell."
After several hours of arguing and bickering in the council, the wise elders of the village summoned Hans Vagner to the front of the room. Through their wisdom, they knew that Hans had dared to venture into the Black Forest of Impotency. Because it was Hans who had caused the curse to befall the village in the first place, he should be the one to lift it. So they sent him back into the Black Forest of Impotency, this time with a sword. Hans walked for hours through the dark forest but he could not find anything or anyone, until finally, at the stroke of midnight, the ominous figure he had met several months ago was standing right in front of him!
This man was dressed in a long, black robe. The man then proceeded to take off his robe to reveal...
...a spandex pink jumpsuit lined with stylish, 70's retro Studio 54 glitter.
Who dares disturb the almighty destroyer of reproduction and enemy of free love, the Melty Man ?!
Hans Vagner shook uncontrollably in his boots. He was absolutely terrified of the huge figure in glitter and disco platform shoes.
"M-me, I...I...my name is Hans."
Of course I know your name, puny mortal. I know everything about you. I am all knowing.
"R-really? Prove it."
Remember that time in high school when you drilled a hole in the women's shower house?
"Alright, so you're all knowing. Anyway, I've come to find out what has happened to my village."
Ah. Puny human mortal thinks he can seek answers where none can be found. Bwahahahahaha!
"Would you stop with the cheesy, stereotypical god-talk? What is this, that low budget film, "Hercules in New York" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger?"
Yes, I know of how the men in your village have suddenly become, 'less manly'...hahahahahha.
"Don't mock us! Have you no conscious? Why have you taken our erections from us?"
Because I am doing research for my doctoral thesis.
"Really?"
No, you fool! This only 1000 A.D. We don't have doctorate degrees yet.
"Oh, right. So why have you done this to us?"
Because you petty, warmongering, and foolish mortals have no appreciation for what the gods have granted you!
"But how?"
Because while you guys are with your wives, you lust for other women in your hearts.
"That's not true!"
Yeah, right. You've never thought of that hot Spanish girl that lives down the street from you?
"Ok, ok. We've all been foolish and immoral, I get it now. We're sorry, so can we please have our erections back?"
In order to have appreciation for your wife and your heterosexuality, you must spend one week walking in the foot steps of a gay man's shoes: Literally. Here is a pair of rainbow colored boots with silky shoelaces, sprinkled with designs of pink flowers.
And so Hans wore those rainbow colored shoes around the village for an entire week, enduring constant jokes and teases from his fellow villagers. But Hans was remembered by his peers as the brave man that had lifted the curse of the Melty Man.
Some people to this day in Denmark, particularly those in their 80's, claim that the Melty Man has visited them.
Remember: If you're about to do the nasty...don't think about him. Don't even say his name. Or...
I am speaking of he who I dare not say his name, lest he come...
I am talking about...
The Melty Man
Old Danish mythology speaks of a man so evil, possibly the son of Satan himself, that is a dark enemy of all that is good. This Melty Man is said to be the destroyer of mens' erections, the hater of reproduction, and the abolitionist of love making. The old Danish saying goes...
"Don't say his name. Don't even think it or else he'll come...and take your erection."
It all started in a small town in northern Denmark back sometime around 1000 A.D. There was man named Hans Vagner. He lived happily with his wife until one day he was out walking through the Black Forest of Impotency, when he stumbled upon a very large and tall figure. The next thing he knew, he went unconscious. When he awoke several hours later, he felt strange, as if all of the testosterone in his body had left him.
Hans went back to his village. He went about his business and for several months, everything seemed ok. Until one day, he noticed the same look of sexual frustration on every male in the village!
The towns people were frantic. They called a meeting to discuss why all of the men in the village had been rendered sterile and impotent. No one could figure it out, not even the wisest elders of the village.
"Hey, you got it up lately, Bob?"
"Not in months, Paul. How about you?"
"Nope. My wife thinks I've become gay."
"I always thought you were?"
"Go to hell."
After several hours of arguing and bickering in the council, the wise elders of the village summoned Hans Vagner to the front of the room. Through their wisdom, they knew that Hans had dared to venture into the Black Forest of Impotency. Because it was Hans who had caused the curse to befall the village in the first place, he should be the one to lift it. So they sent him back into the Black Forest of Impotency, this time with a sword. Hans walked for hours through the dark forest but he could not find anything or anyone, until finally, at the stroke of midnight, the ominous figure he had met several months ago was standing right in front of him!
This man was dressed in a long, black robe. The man then proceeded to take off his robe to reveal...
...a spandex pink jumpsuit lined with stylish, 70's retro Studio 54 glitter.
Who dares disturb the almighty destroyer of reproduction and enemy of free love, the Melty Man ?!
Hans Vagner shook uncontrollably in his boots. He was absolutely terrified of the huge figure in glitter and disco platform shoes.
"M-me, I...I...my name is Hans."
Of course I know your name, puny mortal. I know everything about you. I am all knowing.
"R-really? Prove it."
Remember that time in high school when you drilled a hole in the women's shower house?
"Alright, so you're all knowing. Anyway, I've come to find out what has happened to my village."
Ah. Puny human mortal thinks he can seek answers where none can be found. Bwahahahahaha!
"Would you stop with the cheesy, stereotypical god-talk? What is this, that low budget film, "Hercules in New York" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger?"
Yes, I know of how the men in your village have suddenly become, 'less manly'...hahahahahha.
"Don't mock us! Have you no conscious? Why have you taken our erections from us?"
Because I am doing research for my doctoral thesis.
"Really?"
No, you fool! This only 1000 A.D. We don't have doctorate degrees yet.
"Oh, right. So why have you done this to us?"
Because you petty, warmongering, and foolish mortals have no appreciation for what the gods have granted you!
"But how?"
Because while you guys are with your wives, you lust for other women in your hearts.
"That's not true!"
Yeah, right. You've never thought of that hot Spanish girl that lives down the street from you?
"Ok, ok. We've all been foolish and immoral, I get it now. We're sorry, so can we please have our erections back?"
In order to have appreciation for your wife and your heterosexuality, you must spend one week walking in the foot steps of a gay man's shoes: Literally. Here is a pair of rainbow colored boots with silky shoelaces, sprinkled with designs of pink flowers.
And so Hans wore those rainbow colored shoes around the village for an entire week, enduring constant jokes and teases from his fellow villagers. But Hans was remembered by his peers as the brave man that had lifted the curse of the Melty Man.
Some people to this day in Denmark, particularly those in their 80's, claim that the Melty Man has visited them.
Remember: If you're about to do the nasty...don't think about him. Don't even say his name. Or...
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