So I Told My Friend He's a Drunk Today

[lurchadams]

I've known Cal for well over 20 years. We became friends at work, he went on to a different company but we remained friends. He used to coach our company softball team. He's got an undergrad, an MBA, and 2 PHD's. He's got a lot of knowledge but not as much common sense as I wish he could have. Anyway, he's my friend, and I love him.

Cal got divorced, roughly the same time as I did, 2 years ago. As friends, we stopped hanging out for awhile because his wife (now his ex) didn't like hanging around our kids. When Cal got divorced we started hanging out again. Cal is still not over his divorce. His ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. She had and has zero empathy for Cal. She announced she was dumping him at work, in the lobby of their office building, the day before Cal was going to head on vacation. He fainted. She couldn't wait to do it, in private, after Cal returned. Suffice to say, Cal had a pretty ****ing ****ty time on that vacation. Anyway, that's the kind of horrible person she is.

Anyway, Cal's still not over her, although me, his family and all his other friends tell him he does not want her back. He agrees and says, "keep telling me that". Well, ok. But he's got to realize it himself.

So, mourning the end of his marriage 2 years ago Cal started self-medicating with booze. Hard alcohol. Every time I've seen him the past 2 years he's had some kind of drink goin'.

He hosted me and my brother, and his former nephew Christmas for dinner. Cal passed out in his recliner right after dinner. We all ended up cleaning up, putting the food away, then we just left and locked him in. This is when I realized I had to do what I could do to stop this. I called Cal at work the next day and told him for the first time, "Cal, I'm worried about your drinking". He said, "Yeah, it's a bit of a problem".

Anyway, he lives between where my kids' mom lives and where I live. After dropping off the kids, I usually stop by and visit with Cal. Tonight I became a real asshole. When Cal let me in tonight, I said, "Hi, Cal! How's the drinking going?". He joked "it's still going, ha, ha, I'm still doing it!, ha ha". Then later this evening he said, "ha ha, a few hours into work I get the shakes, ha, ha".

And I just ****ing lost it. I said, "So Cal! You're a drunk!". He said, "Yeah, I'm a drunk". So I told him, "we're going to find a meeting by your house, when I get back Saturday you and I are going to an AA meeting". And he agreed. So we're going to Cal's first AA meeting this Saturday. It's a good start!

I'm hopeful!

 

[Keridan]

Good on you for being a real friend and calling him out! All you can do is show him a mirror and hope he makes the right choice. Assuming he doesn't, don't enable him. Assuming he does, hold his hand and help him any way you can.

I've been through this a couple times and it has gone both ways. I wish you and your friend the best of luck and a lot of strength!

 

[MovingPictures]

I've known Cal for well over 20 years. We became friends at work, he went on to a different company but we remained friends. He used to coach our company softball team. He's got an undergrad, an MBA, and 2 PHD's. He's got a lot of knowledge but not as much common sense as I wish he could have. Anyway, he's my friend, and I love him.

Cal got divorced, roughly the same time as I did, 2 years ago. As friends, we stopped hanging out for awhile because his wife (now his ex) didn't like hanging around our kids. When Cal got divorced we started hanging out again. Cal is still not over his divorce. His ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. She had and has zero empathy for Cal. She announced she was dumping him at work, in the lobby of their office building, the day before Cal was going to head on vacation. He fainted. She couldn't wait to do it, in private, after Cal returned. Suffice to say, Cal had a pretty ****ing ****ty time on that vacation. Anyway, that's the kind of horrible person she is.

Anyway, Cal's still not over her, although me, his family and all his other friends tell him he does not want her back. He agrees and says, "keep telling me that". Well, ok. But he's got to realize it himself.

So, mourning the end of his marriage 2 years ago Cal started self-medicating with booze. Hard alcohol. Every time I've seen him the past 2 years he's had some kind of drink goin'.

He hosted me and my brother, and his former nephew Christmas for dinner. Cal passed out in his recliner right after dinner. We all ended up cleaning up, putting the food away, then we just left and locked him in. This is when I realized I had to do what I could do to stop this. I called Cal at work the next day and told him for the first time, "Cal, I'm worried about your drinking". He said, "Yeah, it's a bit of a problem".

Anyway, he lives between where my kids' mom lives and where I live. After dropping off the kids, I usually stop by and visit with Cal. Tonight I became a real asshole. When Cal let me in tonight, I said, "Hi, Cal! How's the drinking going?". He joked "it's still going, ha, ha, I'm still doing it!, ha ha". Then later this evening he said, "ha ha, a few hours into work I get the shakes, ha, ha".

And I just ****ing lost it. I said, "So Cal! You're a drunk!". He said, "Yeah, I'm a drunk". So I told him, "we're going to find a meeting by your house, when I get back Saturday you and I are going to an AA meeting". And he agreed. So we're going to Cal's first AA meeting this Saturday. It's a good start!

I'm hopeful!

Sounds like he needs to get some grief counseling, first and foremost.

Yes, the drinking is a problem, but it's only a symptom of a much bigger problem, which is his overall mental well being.

See if he can find some counseling for divorced people in his area and be able to open up in privacy. Then maybe he should start revisiting some hobbies or activities (sports, concerts, etc) that his ex deprived him of, so he can see that his single life is going to offer him a lot of freedom.

Good luck to him.

 

[Winchester]

I've known Cal for well over 20 years. We became friends at work, he went on to a different company but we remained friends. He used to coach our company softball team. He's got an undergrad, an MBA, and 2 PHD's. He's got a lot of knowledge but not as much common sense as I wish he could have. Anyway, he's my friend, and I love him.

Cal got divorced, roughly the same time as I did, 2 years ago. As friends, we stopped hanging out for awhile because his wife (now his ex) didn't like hanging around our kids. When Cal got divorced we started hanging out again. Cal is still not over his divorce. His ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. She had and has zero empathy for Cal. She announced she was dumping him at work, in the lobby of their office building, the day before Cal was going to head on vacation. He fainted. She couldn't wait to do it, in private, after Cal returned. Suffice to say, Cal had a pretty ****ing ****ty time on that vacation. Anyway, that's the kind of horrible person she is.

Anyway, Cal's still not over her, although me, his family and all his other friends tell him he does not want her back. He agrees and says, "keep telling me that". Well, ok. But he's got to realize it himself.

So, mourning the end of his marriage 2 years ago Cal started self-medicating with booze. Hard alcohol. Every time I've seen him the past 2 years he's had some kind of drink goin'.

He hosted me and my brother, and his former nephew Christmas for dinner. Cal passed out in his recliner right after dinner. We all ended up cleaning up, putting the food away, then we just left and locked him in. This is when I realized I had to do what I could do to stop this. I called Cal at work the next day and told him for the first time, "Cal, I'm worried about your drinking". He said, "Yeah, it's a bit of a problem".

Anyway, he lives between where my kids' mom lives and where I live. After dropping off the kids, I usually stop by and visit with Cal. Tonight I became a real asshole. When Cal let me in tonight, I said, "Hi, Cal! How's the drinking going?". He joked "it's still going, ha, ha, I'm still doing it!, ha ha". Then later this evening he said, "ha ha, a few hours into work I get the shakes, ha, ha".

And I just ****ing lost it. I said, "So Cal! You're a drunk!". He said, "Yeah, I'm a drunk". So I told him, "we're going to find a meeting by your house, when I get back Saturday you and I are going to an AA meeting". And he agreed. So we're going to Cal's first AA meeting this Saturday. It's a good start!

I'm hopeful!

Good, sometimes people need a wakeup call. Has he been seeing a therapist to deal with the emotional pain he's been trying to numb with alcohol? If not he should try because that sounds like the root of his drinking problem.

Edit: I see MP beat me to it.

 

[lurchadams]

Sounds like he needs to get some grief counseling, first and foremost.

Yes, the drinking is a problem, but it's only a symptom of a much bigger problem, which is his overall mental well being.

See if he can find some counseling for divorced people in his area and be able to open up in privacy. Then maybe he should start revisiting some hobbies or activities (sports, concerts, etc) that his ex deprived him of, so he can see that his single life is going to offer him a lot of freedom.

Good luck to him.

He's seeing 2 different counselors, one I think who prescribes his meds (which I'm sure are being rendered ineffective by all his ****ing drinking) and a psychologist. He also speaks with his brother in San Francisco every night. Now he just needs to stop drinking.

 

[lurchadams]

Good, sometimes people need a wakeup call. Has he been seeing a therapist to deal with the emotional pain he's been trying to numb with alcohol? If not he should try because that sounds like the root of his drinking problem.

Edit: I see MP beat me to it.

Yeah, like I said - 2 counselors and his brother who is also a retired psychologist who used to counsel wounded warriors.

 

[Crovax]

I've known Cal for well over 20 years. We became friends at work, he went on to a different company but we remained friends. He used to coach our company softball team. He's got an undergrad, an MBA, and 2 PHD's. He's got a lot of knowledge but not as much common sense as I wish he could have. Anyway, he's my friend, and I love him.

Cal got divorced, roughly the same time as I did, 2 years ago. As friends, we stopped hanging out for awhile because his wife (now his ex) didn't like hanging around our kids. When Cal got divorced we started hanging out again. Cal is still not over his divorce. His ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. She had and has zero empathy for Cal. She announced she was dumping him at work, in the lobby of their office building, the day before Cal was going to head on vacation. He fainted. She couldn't wait to do it, in private, after Cal returned. Suffice to say, Cal had a pretty ****ing ****ty time on that vacation. Anyway, that's the kind of horrible person she is.

Anyway, Cal's still not over her, although me, his family and all his other friends tell him he does not want her back. He agrees and says, "keep telling me that". Well, ok. But he's got to realize it himself.

So, mourning the end of his marriage 2 years ago Cal started self-medicating with booze. Hard alcohol. Every time I've seen him the past 2 years he's had some kind of drink goin'.

He hosted me and my brother, and his former nephew Christmas for dinner. Cal passed out in his recliner right after dinner. We all ended up cleaning up, putting the food away, then we just left and locked him in. This is when I realized I had to do what I could do to stop this. I called Cal at work the next day and told him for the first time, "Cal, I'm worried about your drinking". He said, "Yeah, it's a bit of a problem".

Anyway, he lives between where my kids' mom lives and where I live. After dropping off the kids, I usually stop by and visit with Cal. Tonight I became a real asshole. When Cal let me in tonight, I said, "Hi, Cal! How's the drinking going?". He joked "it's still going, ha, ha, I'm still doing it!, ha ha". Then later this evening he said, "ha ha, a few hours into work I get the shakes, ha, ha".

And I just ****ing lost it. I said, "So Cal! You're a drunk!". He said, "Yeah, I'm a drunk". So I told him, "we're going to find a meeting by your house, when I get back Saturday you and I are going to an AA meeting". And he agreed. So we're going to Cal's first AA meeting this Saturday. It's a good start!

I'm hopeful!

:rofl: AA meetings, the group that has the same success rate as gay conversion therapy. AA just trades one addiction for another although doesnt sound like your friend is addicted hes just depressed

 

[lurchadams]

:rofl: AA meetings, the group that has the same success rate as gay conversion therapy. AA just trades one addiction for another although doesnt sound like your friend is addicted hes just depressed

You are seriously a ****ing asshole! Also, welcome to my ignore switch you pathetic human being! Mods, come and get me, this will be worth it!

 

[Crovax]

You are seriously a ****ing asshole! Mods, come and get me, this ****face deserves it. Also, welcome to my ignore switch you pathetic human being!

Lighten up man, sounds like you need a drink :cheers:

 

[Felis Leo]

I've known Cal for well over 20 years. We became friends at work, he went on to a different company but we remained friends. He used to coach our company softball team. He's got an undergrad, an MBA, and 2 PHD's. He's got a lot of knowledge but not as much common sense as I wish he could have. Anyway, he's my friend, and I love him.

Cal got divorced, roughly the same time as I did, 2 years ago. As friends, we stopped hanging out for awhile because his wife (now his ex) didn't like hanging around our kids. When Cal got divorced we started hanging out again. Cal is still not over his divorce. His ex-wife is a malignant narcissist. She had and has zero empathy for Cal. She announced she was dumping him at work, in the lobby of their office building, the day before Cal was going to head on vacation. He fainted. She couldn't wait to do it, in private, after Cal returned. Suffice to say, Cal had a pretty ****ing ****ty time on that vacation. Anyway, that's the kind of horrible person she is.

Anyway, Cal's still not over her, although me, his family and all his other friends tell him he does not want her back. He agrees and says, "keep telling me that". Well, ok. But he's got to realize it himself.

So, mourning the end of his marriage 2 years ago Cal started self-medicating with booze. Hard alcohol. Every time I've seen him the past 2 years he's had some kind of drink goin'.

He hosted me and my brother, and his former nephew Christmas for dinner. Cal passed out in his recliner right after dinner. We all ended up cleaning up, putting the food away, then we just left and locked him in. This is when I realized I had to do what I could do to stop this. I called Cal at work the next day and told him for the first time, "Cal, I'm worried about your drinking". He said, "Yeah, it's a bit of a problem".

Anyway, he lives between where my kids' mom lives and where I live. After dropping off the kids, I usually stop by and visit with Cal. Tonight I became a real asshole. When Cal let me in tonight, I said, "Hi, Cal! How's the drinking going?". He joked "it's still going, ha, ha, I'm still doing it!, ha ha". Then later this evening he said, "ha ha, a few hours into work I get the shakes, ha, ha".

And I just ****ing lost it. I said, "So Cal! You're a drunk!". He said, "Yeah, I'm a drunk". So I told him, "we're going to find a meeting by your house, when I get back Saturday you and I are going to an AA meeting". And he agreed. So we're going to Cal's first AA meeting this Saturday. It's a good start!

I'm hopeful!

From what you say, it sounds like he wants help. That is a very hopeful sign.

 

[Keridan]

Lighten up man, sounds like you need a drink :cheers:

What kind of sicko reads about someone trying to handle their disease and thinks it's a good time to mock them and also hit all those who are trying to help people in their position? I'm a jerk, but there are limits. This program has helped close friends. I had to find my own path, but I would still say it helped me. Why is that something to mock? Seriously. How sad of a human being are you?

You should take a minute to exam your choices.

 

[Airyaman]

 

[justabubba]

You are seriously a ****ing asshole! Also, welcome to my ignore switch you pathetic human being! Mods, come and get me, this will be worth it!

i hope your drunken friend accepts criticism better than you displayed in that post above

from the degrees he possesses, your buddy was a winner
and then he lost
maybe you or i would see her absence as a good thing, but possibly he sees her absence from his life as a major personal failure. for those who win all of the time, they never acquired the coping skills necessary to handle losing
is it a possibility that fixing his perspective about 'losing' a spouse could also cure the resultant drinking habit

anyway, good on you for trying to help a friend out

 

[Crovax]

What kind of sicko reads about someone trying to handle their disease and thinks it's a good time to mock them and also hit all those who are trying to help people in their position? I'm a jerk, but there are limits. This program has helped close friends. I had to find my own path, but I would still say it helped me. Why is that something to mock? Seriously. How sad of a human being are you?

You should take a minute to exam your choices.

Despite your anecdotal experience, AA is pretty much worthless and has a cult like mentality to boot. People who study addictions show the failure rate is north of 90%, yet the organization itself claims to be 75% successful.

 

[lurchadams]

i hope your drunken friend accepts criticism better than you displayed in that post above

from the degrees he possesses, your buddy was a winner
and then he lost
maybe you or i would see her absence as a good thing, but possibly he sees her absence from his life as a major personal failure. for those who win all of the time, they never acquired the coping skills necessary to handle losing
is it a possibility that fixing his perspective about 'losing' a spouse could also cure the resultant drinking habit

anyway, good on you for trying to help a friend out

Kay, big fella. Step into my shoes and see how you'll react when someone tells you what you're trying to do for your friend is hopeless.

I hope you, sir exude more empathy in your daily life than you just did here.

Thank you for your encouragement at the end.

 

[lurchadams]

Good on you for being a real friend and calling him out! All you can do is show him a mirror and hope he makes the right choice. Assuming he doesn't, don't enable him. Assuming he does, hold his hand and help him any way you can.

I've been through this a couple times and it has gone both ways. I wish you and your friend the best of luck and a lot of strength!

Might be coming to you for some guidance. Thanks, friend!

 

[Superfly]

Sounds like he needs to get some grief counseling, first and foremost.

Yes, the drinking is a problem, but it's only a symptom of a much bigger problem, which is his overall mental well being.

See if he can find some counseling for divorced people in his area and be able to open up in privacy. Then maybe he should start revisiting some hobbies or activities (sports, concerts, etc) that his ex deprived him of, so he can see that his single life is going to offer him a lot of freedom.

Good luck to him.

^^ This. The drinking is secondary. He's self-medicating to get over her, and he needs to fix that first. Once he is able to mourn their marriage and move on, hopefully the drinking will take care of itself. But you're a good friend - stay with him and make sure it resolves itself. If not, he'll need therapy and AA. Best of luck.

Edited to add: OK I see that he's getting counseling, but it might not be working. It may take several different counselors before you find one that can help you, and is a good fit. I hope the ones he is going to are helping him. Sounds like he might need to look into something else?

 

[lurchadams]

^^ This. The drinking is secondary. He's self-medicating to get over her, and he needs to fix that first. Once he is able to mourn their marriage and move on, hopefully the drinking will take care of itself. But you're a good friend - stay with him and make sure it resolves itself. If not, he'll need therapy and AA. Best of luck.

Edited to add: OK I see that he's getting counseling, but it might not be working. It may take several different counselors before you find one that can help you, and is a good fit. I hope the ones he is going to are helping him. Sounds like he might need to look into something else?

Did you mean to quote M.P. or me, Miss S.F.?

 

[Crovax]

Kay, big fella. Step into my shoes and see how you'll react when someone tells you what you're trying to do for your friend is hopeless.

I hope you, sir exude more empathy in your daily life than you just did here.

Thank you for your encouragement at the end.

Oh please. I didn’t say what you are trying to do for your friend is hopeless. I just pointed out that AA won’t help you achieve your goals

 

[MovingPictures]

:rofl: AA meetings, the group that has the same success rate as gay conversion therapy. AA just trades one addiction for another although doesnt sound like your friend is addicted hes just depressed

Sounds like you've got your own issues and having failed to resolve them, want some company for your misery.

And perhaps you could use some AA yourself, because your grammar reads like you've been drinking.

 

[Superfly]

Did you mean to quote M.P. or me, Miss S.F.?

I was agreeing with MP, but figuring you'd see it since it was your thread.

So both, I guess. :lol:

 

[JasperL]

:rofl: AA meetings, the group that has the same success rate as gay conversion therapy. AA just trades one addiction for another although doesnt sound like your friend is addicted hes just depressed

That's ignorance talking. What's the point of bringing that ignorant crap to this thread?

And you have no f'ing idea if he's addicted or not. If you had a clue, you'd know depression and addiction go hand in hand very frequently, often in a vicious cycle, drinking to self medicate depression, which makes the depression worse over time, leading to more drinking. But forgetting that, you cannot diagnose addiction third hand over the internet.

So every assertion is a fail. Nice job.

 

[JasperL]

Anyway, he lives between where my kids' mom lives and where I live. After dropping off the kids, I usually stop by and visit with Cal. Tonight I became a real asshole. When Cal let me in tonight, I said, "Hi, Cal! How's the drinking going?". He joked "it's still going, ha, ha, I'm still doing it!, ha ha". Then later this evening he said, "ha ha, a few hours into work I get the shakes, ha, ha".

And I just ****ing lost it. I said, "So Cal! You're a drunk!". He said, "Yeah, I'm a drunk". So I told him, "we're going to find a meeting by your house, when I get back Saturday you and I are going to an AA meeting". And he agreed. So we're going to Cal's first AA meeting this Saturday. It's a good start!

I'm hopeful!

That is a good start, and I think you know you weren't being an asshole but a good friend. A friend did that for me a few years ago and I'll always be in his debt for it. Best of luck. It's a tough thing all around. eace

I'll just edit to add that in my experience each group has a pretty distinct personality and way that it's run. There are no rules, really, so it's a reflection of the people in the group, and like any other gathering, will vary a lot depending on the people. Point is if your friend is serious, he should really try go to to a number of different meetings, different places and different times and different days. After a little while he'll know which ones suit him better than others. It makes a big difference, or it does for me.

Just for example, there are some 'purists' or ideologues out there (think self righteous religious people and you know what I'm talking about - there is only ONE way!!), and they sometimes try to run the meeting like little dictators, and I cannot stand it. Some are 'speaker' meetings, with formal talks, and an enforced structure, others are really informal, more like a gathering of friends in your living room. Whatever works.... Those I attend now tend to the latter, informal structure, with lots of leeway depending on what's going on with someone, etc...

 

[MovingPictures]

Yeah, like I said - 2 counselors and his brother who is also a retired psychologist who used to counsel wounded warriors.

It might not be a bad idea for you to offer to go with him to his counselor, or if he's not comfortable with you, perhaps another friend or family member.

Also, he should consider getting online and just sort of flirting with some women, so he can rebuild his confidence.

 

[JasperL]

What kind of sicko reads about someone trying to handle their disease and thinks it's a good time to mock them and also hit all those who are trying to help people in their position? I'm a jerk, but there are limits. This program has helped close friends. I had to find my own path, but I would still say it helped me. Why is that something to mock? Seriously. How sad of a human being are you?

You should take a minute to exam your choices.

I don't understand the pretty common hostility to AA that's out there. Bottom line is it's a self help group, and they differ from group to group, city to city, sometimes dramatically. I've been to maybe 15 different groups and 10-12 of them weren't for me at all, a few I felt worse coming out than going in, with some real assholes leading them, but others were and are a great source of support for hundreds or thousands of people in my area. I've got a couple dozen good friends through the program, and it's a good thing. eace