Should we take things personally?

[JC Callender]

Years ago I read a book titled The Four Agreements about four principles to live a successful life, and one of these four agreements was "Don't take things personally". Would you agree or not and why?

 

[lizzie]

You can take things personally, but imo, it is unwise to do so. Since you have no control of anything besides your own reactions and responses, then by taking things personally, you are ceding power to someone else to negatively effect you.

 

[JC Callender]

You can take things personally, but imo, it is unwise to do so. Since you have no control of anything besides your own reactions and responses, then by taking things personally, you are ceding power to someone else to negatively effect you.

Well said Lizzie, and I agree, although it sure is nice taking compliments personally.

 

[specklebang]

Years ago I read a book titled The Four Agreements about four principles to live a successful life, and one of these four agreements was "Don't take things personally". Would you agree or not and why?

Of course I take things personally if they happen to me. I don't take things personally if they happen to you (although I might approve/disapprove).

So what does it even mean?

 

[lizzie]

Well said Lizzie, and I agree, although it sure is nice taking compliments personally.

Well quite frankly, compliments make us all feel good, assuming we are normally functional in a social manner. That being said, I think there is a difference in appreciating them, and taking them personally.

 

[Gathomas88]

Years ago I read a book titled The Four Agreements about four principles to live a successful life, and one of these four agreements was "Don't take things personally". Would you agree or not and why?

I would say that if something is clearly meant to be taken personally, it should probably be taken personally. A person should always stick up for themselves if possible.

Apart from that, however; I'd say that "don't make waves" is probably a good philosophy to live by.

 

[Perotista]

Years ago I read a book titled The Four Agreements about four principles to live a successful life, and one of these four agreements was "Don't take things personally". Would you agree or not and why?

for the most part, yes I agree especially on a site like this one. But if you boss tells you ways to improve, you better take it personally and to heart. I would say let most things just roll off your back, but there are times when it would be good to take things personally.

 

[JC Callender]

Of course I take things personally if they happen to me. I don't take things personally if they happen to you (although I might approve/disapprove).

So what does it even mean?

You don't know what it means to take things personally?

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Years ago I read a book titled The Four Agreements about four principles to live a successful life, and one of these four agreements was "Don't take things personally". Would you agree or not and why?

Have read that book hundreds of times - Ruiz's point is that nothing anyone else says or does is because of you, but is their problem (read: a projection of their own dream/fantasy/movie) and is not meant to be taken personally. Mind you, that includes both compliments and insults - I know what I am already, so I don't take it personally when someone says I am the best or when they say I am the worst.

I've become immune to the poison spread by black magicians, thus not taking things personally has set me free....

 

[JC Callender]

I would say that if something is clearly meant to be taken personally, it should probably be taken personally. A person should always stick up for themselves if possible.

Apart from that, however; I'd say that "don't make waves" is probably a good philosophy to live by.

What would be a good example of something clearly meant to be taken personally?

 

[specklebang]

You don't know what it means to take things personally?

So are you answering my question with a question?

It's you thread boo-boo. You could have just answered me.

So I'll try again. If I cut off your foot by accident, would you take it personally?

If I passed a law you didn't like, would you take it personally?

To hold a discussion, it helps to understand the topic. If you wish to assume me stupid, then no further explanation is needed. If you think I might be bright enough to discuss this, then help me out.

OK?

 

[Goshin]

You can take things personally, but imo, it is unwise to do so. Since you have no control of anything besides your own reactions and responses, then by taking things personally, you are ceding power to someone else to negatively effect you.

Exactly.


I had direct experience of this, in my LE days.

I had been a hotheaded young man... I took EVERYTHING personally. When I went into law enforcement, one thing that was hammered in early was that we had to be PROFESSIONAL at all times, and that a big part of that was not taking things personally. That when someone called me a GD MF SOB whose parents were never formally introduced, that I was "not to take it personally" and just "proceed with the job in a professional manner".

Now this wasn't easy sometimes... but I quickly saw the point. When someone called me a GDMFSOB/etc, they were attempting to MAKE it personal, to cloud my judgment with emotion, and most of all to DEFLECT me from doing my duty.

The military guys on my shift referred to "Mission Oriented Mindset"... where you were focused on performing your mission, refused to be deflected from it, and concentrated on overcoming any obstacles or resistance and completing the mission to the exclusion of any personal considerations.

I realized that taking things personally GIVES POWER TO OTHERS to manipulate you and influence your behavior. When you let it roll off your back like water and remain focused on your larger goals, you rob them of this power and enhance your own by remaining clear-headed and focused.

This is a huge advantage in many situations. Not to mention, a major stress-reducer.


It is, however, not easy sometimes. :mrgreen:

 

[Gathomas88]

What would be a good example of something clearly meant to be taken personally?

Someone blatantly insulting you, or screwing you over. You don't necessarily have to retaliate if it is inappropriate to do so, but I would argue that you should definitely make a note of the offense, and adjust your behavior towards that person accordingly.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

 

[JC Callender]

So are you answering my question with a question?

It's you thread boo-boo. You could have just answered me.

So I'll try again. If I cut off your foot by accident, would you take it personally?

If I passed a law you didn't like, would you take it personally?

To hold a discussion, it helps to understand the topic. If you wish to assume me stupid, then no further explanation is needed. If you think I might be bright enough to discuss this, then help me out.

OK?

Your entire angry reply is typical of someone taking something personally.

 

[lizzie]

Well said Lizzie, and I agree, although it sure is nice taking compliments personally.

Possible outcomes of a scenario in which someone compliments (or insults) you.

Mr X tells Mr Y: "you're an idiot".
Mr Y can take is personally, and get pissed off, and/or take it to heart, which causes suffering.
or
Mr Y can take it personally, and get back in his face, which shows Mr X that he has the power to ruffle Mr Y's feathers.
or
Mr Y can realize that Mr X's opinion of him is meaningless, in which no power play worked at all.


Mr X can tell Mr Y, "Hey, you're a cool dude. I want to be just like you."

Mr Y has the choice of accepting it graciously, and feeling good that he is well thought-of.
Mr Y can also take is personally to the point that he is swayed emotionally or influenced by Mr X, which is another act of ceding power to let someone else influence him. (Not bad in and of itself, but portrays a lack of principle).

 

[Goshin]

Someone blatantly insulting you, or screwing you over. You don't necessarily have to retaliate if it is inappropriate to do so, but I would argue that you should definitely make a note of the offense, and adjust your behavior towards that person accordingly.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

I would call that pragmatic self-interest, moreso than "taking it personally".

 

[specklebang]

Your entire angry reply is typical of someone taking something personal.

My ANGRY reply? I think maybe you're the one taking things personally. Which is, of course, your right and privilege.

Maybe another time....

 

[JC Callender]

Someone blatantly insulting you, or screwing you over. You don't necessarily have to retaliate if it is inappropriate to do so, but I would argue that you should definitely make a note of the offense, and adjust your behavior towards that person accordingly.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

I think taking something personally means letting someone else define you. I do agree that you could take offense at an extreme insult though.

 

[Gathomas88]

I think taking something personally means letting someone else define you. I do agree that you could take offense at an extreme insult though.

I'd say that it's more about simply acknowledging the fact that not everyone in the world is a fundamentally "nice" person, and being wary of people who have already demonstrated ill intent towards you.

A certain degree of caution is basically required around those sorts of people.

 

[lizzie]

I think taking something personally means letting someone else define you. I do agree that you could take offense at an extreme insult though.

You could take offense, but the question would be, what does it propel you to do? A good example would be the young woman that I saw in a retail store a few months ago, shopping with her mother, and rattling on (loudly) Jesus effing Christ. To me, that was offensive, but I was not personally offended by HER. Just irritated with her lack of manners and class. It prompted me to do nothing, except just be sad at how classless she appeared. If someone insults me personally, I don't care. My self-image is well-defined, and is not dependent on what others think, say, or how they act.

 

[JC Callender]

You could take offense, but the question would be, what does it propel you to do? A good example would be the young woman that I saw in a retail store a few months ago, shopping with her mother, and rattling on (loudly) Jesus effing Christ. To me, that was offensive, but I was not personally offended by HER. Just irritated with her lack of manners and class. It prompted me to do nothing, except just be sad at how classless she appeared. If someone insults me personally, I don't care. My self-image is well-defined, and is not dependent on what others think, say, or how they act.

That's a good question. I assumed that taking offense is simply acknowledging that a wrong has been done with the option of seeking justice or a solution. If I was walking down the street with an elderly woman and some jerk was throwing f bombs, I would take offense and ask him to stop, but I wouldn't take it personally.

 

[lizzie]

That's a good question. I assumed that taking offense is simply acknowledging that a wrong has been done with the option of seeking justice or a solution. If I was walking down the street with an elderly woman and some jerk was throwing f bombs, I would take offense and ask him to stop, but I wouldn't take it personally.

I consider taking offense, taking things personally, and letting my actions/thoughts/emotions be swayed by them.

In your scenario, I would think them crude, classless jerks, but their behavior would not compel me to action, unless they made it personal.

 

[JC Callender]

I consider taking offense, taking things personally, and letting my actions/thoughts/emotions be swayed by them.

In your scenario, I would think them crude, classless jerks, but their behavior would not compel me to action, unless they made it personal.

Would you consider the f bombs an offensive act, and if so, who would it offend?

 

[lizzie]

Would you consider the f bombs an offensive act, and if so, who would it offend?

It depends on the circumstances.

 

[JC Callender]

It depends on the circumstances.

Some guy out in a neighborhood shouting f bombs for the fun of it with elderly people around.