Setting Expectations and Having Standards

[Burning Giraffe]

I'm interested in what expectations people have of the opposite sex and what standards they have for themselves for monogamous relationships. I have noticed that most relationships are mutually beneficial arrangements, until they aren't and end. This leads me to believe that there is very little else going on in most relationships beside mutual benefit. While I love mutual benefit and think, as an idea, it has single-handedly made the world a better place to live in, it is not enough to base a relationship on.

 

[Wiseone]

Mutual benefit is what every relationship is based on, its practically the definition of the word "relationship" when it comes to people. Two individuals are seeking something, whether love, sex, money, status, family, company, etc etc etc and they ideally met each other and can give each other the things the other desires. That includes "being there" "caring" etc etc that everyone else will want to add.

As for monogamy, I expect a girl to be monogamous if in a relationship with me and I will do the same. And if she feels that the relationship must end for whatever reason I expect her, as I would do, to tell me rather than cheating or trying to play two games at once.

 

[Burning Giraffe]

Mutual benefit is what every relationship is based on, its practically the definition of the word "relationship" when it comes to people. Two individuals are seeking something, whether love, sex, money, status, family, company, etc etc etc and they ideally met each other and can give each other the things the other desires. That includes "being there" "caring" etc etc that everyone else will want to add.

As for monogamy, I expect a girl to be monogamous if in a relationship with me and I will do the same. And if she feels that the relationship must end for whatever reason I expect her, as I would do, to tell me rather than cheating or trying to play two games at once.

I wasn't arguing that mutual benefit isn't an important part of a relationship, but it can't be all there is. There must be shared values and goals. There must be a mutual reason for being together, whether that is "love" or something like it. If a relationship is not built upon something other than mutual benefit, then those relationships tend to fail during the rough times.

Outside of not cheating on you, do you have any standards or expectations that are important to you?

 

[Slartibartfast]

Before I fell in love, I had a whole list of expectations, but in the end, I think the only thing that matters is that they make you happy.

 

[Gray_Fox_86]

The reason I'am with someone is because I feel special that someone can love me so much and that I can return that love as well. I also enjoy sharing our view on the world and knowing that when we sleep together we can wake up easily knowing that there is someone in this world who loves us. You know life is hard and cruel the best thing on this planet is love.

 

[Burning Giraffe]

Before I fell in love, I had a whole list of expectations, but in the end, I think the only thing that matters is that they make you happy.

What makes you happy?

 

[Slartibartfast]

What makes you happy?

I terms of relationships, I don't exactly know because I am constantly discovering new things about them. Thats the trick of it. What I thought I wanted was not what I needed and as I grow as a person my needs are changing. However, I am fortunate in that my wife changes with me. Given that I am changing, I am constantly discovering new aspects of the relationship.

 

[Goshin]

Yes, people have expectations and standards. Those are going to vary wildly from individual to individual, but probably with some common themes.

Yes, I think shared values and goals are also important, and you can lump that under standards/expectations.

Mutual benefit is very important...but I'd say that a good many people stay in a marriage even when the benefits are largely running one-way... the other way. I've seen it many many times. Why do they do this? Sometimes it is out of love for the other person and hope that things will change for the better. Sometimes it is "for the kids". Sometimes it is out of fear that leaving the person would end up worse. :shrug:

A rope that has more strands is stronger rope than one with few strands. Relationships are also like that; the more ties and shared values/norms/goals/expectations/wants/needs/hopes/dreams/etc that you have, the stronger it is likely to be.

I personally think that one of the big ones is a belief in something larger than yourselves. A common shared belief in a certain religion seems to help people make it through hard times and maintain their marriage. Belief in the sanctity of marriage itself is, IMO, a big reason that divorce used to be rather rare. Raising children as the next generation of humanity can be a shared value that transcends mere self-intrest also. There are other possibilities, like a couple I knew who spent most of their first decade together serving as missionaries and aid workers in poor nations.

My own expectations? Well, that could be a long list. Shared values: similar religious beliefs, similar morals, compatible "pace" and many shared intrests. Agreement on children and childrearing issues (although I'm almost past the "children" issue and approaching the "grandchildren" phase, lol). Some degree of intellectual parity. Monogamy, honesty, respect, companionship, mutual support of our shared prosperity. Doing many things together, but not being adverse to spending some amount of time apart each week (ie not needy or clingy). Someone who likes to "go and do" and have fun, but who can also enjoy a day spent watching the river flow past.

Well, I could go on at some length but you get the general idea.

The most vital ingredient is love, however. Love alone is not enough, but without love nothing else matters as much. When I say "love", I don't mean infatuation, lust, or simple emotion. I mean a devotion to the other person that surpasses reason and explanation, where the other person's happiness is vital to your own. Emotions come and go, wax and wane and wax again... true love is a committment made willingly.

 

[Gipper]

Mutual benefit.

 

[Goshin]

Mutual benefit.

Well, HE looks happy.

I suppose her attitude might improve after he's dead and she's got the money... :doh

 

[Aunt Spiker]

I'm interested in what expectations people have of the opposite sex and what standards they have for themselves for monogamous relationships. I have noticed that most relationships are mutually beneficial arrangements, until they aren't and end. This leads me to believe that there is very little else going on in most relationships beside mutual benefit. While I love mutual benefit and think, as an idea, it has single-handedly made the world a better place to live in, it is not enough to base a relationship on.

Expectations of my husband?
Stay sane with his workload, avoid other women like they were clap having Jesabells and we're fine - especially the last part, that would be a dire violation of trust.

Expectations my husband has of me?
Deal with everything else he doesn't have time to deal with - don't snoop to ensure he's not banging some bitch because that, too, would violate trust.

We're quite basic - these few things are set in stone and seeing to them are the only way we function well together. We didn't use to have these standards to follow but because of some ****, now we do.

 

[Mell]

''I'm interested in what expectations people have of the opposite sex and what standards they have for themselves for monogamous relationships.''

I expect the person I am in a relationship with to be a decent human being. And, he is too, otherwise I would not be in a relationship with him.



''While I love mutual benefit and think, as an idea, it has single-handedly made the world a better place to live in, it is not enough to base a relationship on. ''

I think opposites tend to attract, and mutual benefit is the outcome. Generally people are attracted to a mate who is developed in an area in which they themselves are not. There is nothing wrong with this, as it creates attraction and the couple are a better whole and than they are as individuals. They tend to bring out the best in each other. Of course, skilled communication in relationships has to be there, for this to happen, otherwise the opposites will pull against each other after some time in the relationship.



Also, deep down, the values of soul mates tend to resonnate, even if on the surface the individuals are opposites.



And, I do think there is genuine love between soul mates, rather than just mutually benefitting from each others services in the relationship.

 

[Justice44]

I'm interested in what expectations people have of the opposite sex and what standards they have for themselves for monogamous relationships. I have noticed that most relationships are mutually beneficial arrangements, until they aren't and end. This leads me to believe that there is very little else going on in most relationships beside mutual benefit. While I love mutual benefit and think, as an idea, it has single-handedly made the world a better place to live in, it is not enough to base a relationship on.

What would be enough to base a relationship on and why would it be enough? I am curious. I am not sure what the central message of your thread is.

 

[rivrrat]

I think mutual benefit is the ONLY thing to base a relationship on. What else is there? If I'm in a relationship, it's because it's beneficial to me. When it ceases being beneficial to me, the relationship ends.

My only expectation, really, is honesty.

 

[Burning Giraffe]

I think mutual benefit is the ONLY thing to base a relationship on. What else is there? If I'm in a relationship, it's because it's beneficial to me. When it ceases being beneficial to me, the relationship ends.

My only expectation, really, is honesty.

Mutual values, mutual passions... I suppose sharing these things are to our mutual benefit. I suppose, in the end, mutual benefit is the umbrella over all the other shared positives of a relationship. I suppose what I am trying to understand is how love functions seperately from selfishness. Mutual-Benefit is recognized rationally, logically... something people can pursue selfishly without using or harming others. Trust, Honesty, Loyalty, Compassion, Kindness... these are all mutually-benefial virtues associated with strong, loving relationships. I'm trying to imagine something else... how do relationships continue after trust, honesty, loyalty, compassion, kindness have been destroyed? Can a relationship survive when it is no longer mutually-beneficial? If so, on the basis of what?

 

[BamaBrat]

Mutual values, mutual passions... I suppose sharing these things are to our mutual benefit. I suppose, in the end, mutual benefit is the umbrella over all the other shared positives of a relationship. I suppose what I am trying to understand is how love functions seperately from selfishness. Mutual-Benefit is recognized rationally, logically... something people can pursue selfishly without using or harming others. Trust, Honesty, Loyalty, Compassion, Kindness... these are all mutually-benefial virtues associated with strong, loving relationships. I'm trying to imagine something else... how do relationships continue after trust, honesty, loyalty, compassion, kindness have been destroyed? Can a relationship survive when it is no longer mutually-beneficial? If so, on the basis of what?

Are you asking if a relationship can survive the selfishness of infidelity and things like that???

 

[rivrrat]

Mutual values, mutual passions... I suppose sharing these things are to our mutual benefit. I suppose, in the end, mutual benefit is the umbrella over all the other shared positives of a relationship. I suppose what I am trying to understand is how love functions seperately from selfishness. Mutual-Benefit is recognized rationally, logically... something people can pursue selfishly without using or harming others. Trust, Honesty, Loyalty, Compassion, Kindness... these are all mutually-benefial virtues associated with strong, loving relationships. I'm trying to imagine something else... how do relationships continue after trust, honesty, loyalty, compassion, kindness have been destroyed? Can a relationship survive when it is no longer mutually-beneficial? If so, on the basis of what?

People only do things because they get something out of it. If people remain together, there's a reason. A reason that benefits them in some way.

 

[Gray_Fox_86]

People only do things because they get something out of it. If people remain together, there's a reason. A reason that benefits them in some way.

Such as the feeling of having someone in the world who cares for you?

 

[rivrrat]

Such as the feeling of having someone in the world who cares for you?

That could be one, yes.

 

[Kali]

Well, HE looks happy.

I suppose her attitude might improve after he's dead and she's got the money... :doh

She is dead too