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Rules for crowd surfers


DP Veteran
Oct 24, 2009
Reaction score
Southeast Michigan
Political Leaning
Slightly Liberal
After spending my weekend at Rock on the Range (which was ****ing awesome) I came to the realization that although people seem to love crowd surfing at concerts, most of them don't have a damn clue what they're doing. So to try and help remedy this problem, I have devised the following rules for crowd surfers.

1. No Fatties: Sorry fat people, but crowd surfing just ain't for you. There's not a hard weight limit here, since height is a factor too, but if you weigh over 200 pounds, 99 times out of 100, you need to keep your ass on the ground. This rule can also apply to extremely muscular short guys.

2. Keep your shirt on: It's hot as hell up there in the pit, and your sweaty naked torso is slippery. Taking your shirt off greatly increases your risk of getting dropped on your face.

3. If you're a girl, don't get pissed if I grab your tits or ass: 9 times out of 10 you aren't hot enough for me to want to purposely grope you, I'm just grabbing what's there to grab, so you don't get dropped on your face. And even if I do grope you intentionally, well, it just kind of goes with the territory when you're crowd surfing.

4. You're going over the fence: Purposely trying to get dropped right at the fence so you're close to the band makes you a colossal douche, and you're likely to get your ass kicked by the people who have been standing in the crowd for 6 hours to get there.

5. Don't curl up in a ball: Crowd surfing works on the principle of spreading your weight out over lots of people. If you curl up into a ball, not as many people can hold onto you, and you're more likely to get dropped on your face. Instead, spread your arms and legs out and keep them rigid, so people can hold onto them.

6. Another one for the ladies: If you don't want people to see your panties (or your vag if you aren't wearing any), don't crowd surf in a skirt. You look like a moron trying to hold your skirt down as you go overhead.

7. Don't crowd surf with a drink in your hand: This is for both your benefit and mine. I don't really want beer poured on my head, and you probably don't really want to waste that beer you paid 8 bucks for.
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