Question for homosexuals (1 Viewer)

[Thorgasm]

I am interested to hear about the conflict between being who you really are vs. being who people expect you to be. I am specifically asking about the conflict of being in a straight relationship and wanting out because you are gay. How did people around you react? How did the spouse react? Do you feel guilt for misleading your spouse?

No, I am not gay. I don't want this to turn into a flame-fest. I will report anyone who tries to derail this thread. This thread's purpose is to understand the struggle that homosexuals go through. Thank you.

 

[Morrow]

I am interested to hear about the conflict between being who you really are vs. being who people expect you to be. I am specifically asking about the conflict of being in a straight relationship and wanting out because you are gay. How did people around you react? How did the spouse react? Do you feel guilt for misleading your spouse?

No, I am not gay. I don't want this to turn into a flame-fest. I will report anyone who tries to derail this thread. This thread's purpose is to understand the struggle that homosexuals go through. Thank you.

I'm not gay, but I know the other side. Being aware someone was gay and married/engaged in a hetrosexual relationship. I knew two people like this in the military. I have to be honest, I ignored them for it. Not because they were gay, but because they were decieving and hurting someone else. I don't know if they knew why I pushed them away from me, I tried to tell them, not directly. I think one of them wouldn't even admit to himself he was gay, I don't know if he felt guilt. The other one did I think. He liked me alot, not because he was attracted to me, but because he was the type of person who followed whoever was in charge ...too closely. Basically he had a week ego. Even though socially I pushed him away, I knew him well enough to know he felt guilt, but it was more for being gay.

Another man in the AF with me told me was gay privately. He didn't have any hetrosexual relationships, although he harrassed girls alot to try to cover up, so no would think he was gay. We talked about this other guy, my friend seemed more concerned that the man was hating himself, rather than hurting his girl friend. I didn't agree with him, but it is a point worth noting.

 

[JustineCredible]

I am interested to hear about the conflict between being who you really are vs. being who people expect you to be. I am specifically asking about the conflict of being in a straight relationship and wanting out because you are gay. How did people around you react? How did the spouse react? Do you feel guilt for misleading your spouse?

No, I am not gay. I don't want this to turn into a flame-fest. I will report anyone who tries to derail this thread. This thread's purpose is to understand the struggle that homosexuals go through. Thank you.

This assumes the "gay" member of said marriage is willfully deciving the other without regard.
This is not usually the case in most instances where a gay person marries someone of the opposite gender.
It's much more likely that the gay person has done so due to some misguided attempt to self-cure their homosexual tendencies.

Myself for instance.
I did not get married at the same time I accepted being gay. I was not accepting of myself and therefore assumed that if I married a man it would somehow magically "cure" me. That I could deny I ever had homosexual thoughts, feelings and/or whatever else came along with it.
My marriage did not break up because I was gay, it broke up because he broke out marriage vows.
I probably would still be married and in denial if he had not been unfaithful.
It took me a few more years after my divorce to finally accept who I was and realize that if I was ever going to raise my son to be honest and to accept himself as a human being, I would have to lead by example.

 

[Gunface]

I am interested to hear about the conflict between being who you really are vs. being who people expect you to be. I am specifically asking about the conflict of being in a straight relationship and wanting out because you are gay. How did people around you react? How did the spouse react? Do you feel guilt for misleading your spouse?

I've never been in a straight relationship. At first, I attrributed this to me just being slow or something. Then I realised... yeah. That said, I've never been in a gay relationship either.

No, I am not gay. I don't want this to turn into a flame-fest. I will report anyone who tries to derail this thread. This thread's purpose is to understand the struggle that homosexuals go through. Thank you.

Oh, people expect you to be gay. When you are, you notice every little thing: the big deal that people make about boys chasing girls, all that romance crap in the movies, etc.
I'm not a person you'd expect to be gay though. I'm not the lispy, limp-wristed gay stereotype at all. I'm just... not.

 

[JustineCredible]

I am interested to hear about the conflict between being who you really are vs. being who people expect you to be. I am specifically asking about the conflict of being in a straight relationship and wanting out because you are gay. How did people around you react? How did the spouse react? Do you feel guilt for misleading your spouse?

No, I am not gay. I don't want this to turn into a flame-fest. I will report anyone who tries to derail this thread. This thread's purpose is to understand the struggle that homosexuals go through. Thank you.

Honestly, I never once mislead my spouce. I mislead myself.
I really wanted to believe that if I dated guys, married a man, had children and led a "straight" life I would magically become straight. :tink:

My marriage didn't end because of my being a lesbian. It ended because my husband was an abusive, lieing, cheating louse!
Nope, not one shred of guilt there, hon.

I don't even regret having been married to him either. I know, it sound weird. I used to harbor a lot of anger towards him, but I've come to realize that everything happens for a reason...or at least everyone that comes into your life does so for a reason. Even if it's not immediately apparent.
If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have my wonderful, honest, caring, compassionate, hard working, loyal, neighborly, talented...son.

I did worry about my ex finding out I was gay later on, after our divorce. My divorce was in a state that is actually known for stripping gay/lesbian parents of their parental rights. Even though I was living in a different state with my son, my ex still lived in the same state our divorce was in. If he wanted to, he could have petitioned the court of custody and I would have lost all parental rights and never seen my son again!
So, until my son was of the legal age to decide where he lived, the age of 13 in most states, I was terrified that my ex would find out and try to take my son from me.
Thankfully he turned out to be the coward I always knew him to be.
He did ask my son one time if I was gay...my son was only nine years old at the time and I had never coached him about the subject at all. I didn't think my ex would be quite that cowardly. But, my terrific and quick on his feet, son answered his father the best way he knew how. He simply looked at his dad and said: "Dad, you're going to have to ask Mom that." and he said nothing more.
My ex never did work up the courage to ask me.

So, now that my son is almost eightteen and about to graduate from high school, there's nothing he can do about it.

I had always encouraged him (my ex) to take an active role in his son's life. He chose not to.
I had always encouraged my son to have a good relationship with his father, which he tried to do...but my ex simply wasn't there for him.

My partner and I raised my son...and I damned fine job we did too, if I do say so myself. (I really accredit a lot of it to my partner)
Without her steady influence and even handed approach to him, I really don't think he would have turned out to be the young man he is today.

 

[The Wishmaster]

I haven't been in a lesbian relationship, nor a heterosexual relationship before, so I can't really say.

I have had a few boyfriends, when I was in High School, but this was only because I was desperate to fit in, and was afraid of other students knowing my true sexuality. Going out with boys, I was able to hide it.

People do expect you to be straight. I get so angered, and frustrated when my friends, or neighbours ask, 'Got a boyfriend yet?' I'd prefer they asked, 'Have a partner yet?', this way, it leaves it open for there being eithor a male or female.

The only peple who know about my sexuality are my parents, my sister, and her girlfriend. My sister also proclaims to be a lesbian, although I don't believe her. Bisexual, yes, but not gay. I have my reasons for believing this, it's not because I wish to be the only 'gay in the village'!:lol:

It's hard to hide who you are. You feel so proud of who you are, you don't give a damn, so it's easy to forget that other people might, and will, give a damn, and would judge you for it.

That's what bothers me, too, the fact that people judge your whole person just because of one thing that makes you that little bit different.

I am exactly the same as everyone else. I work, I sleep, I cry, I feel emotions. The only thing different about me is that I am attracted to members of my sex. Why should I have to hide that?

 

[Thorgasm]

This assumes the "gay" member of said marriage is willfully deciving the other without regard.
This is not usually the case in most instances where a gay person marries someone of the opposite gender.
It's much more likely that the gay person has done so due to some misguided attempt to self-cure their homosexual tendencies.

This is why people have to be honest with themselves before they can be honest with anyone else. Whether the dishonesty was willful or not, in the end, it is dishonesty.

As you have stated, you would still be in your lousy marriage if you hadn't caught him cheating. So therefore, you don't have that issue to feel guilty about. Although, if you are gay (not bisexual) then I would wonder if you gave yourself to your husband the way you do to your current partner. (I mean this from a mental aspect)

 

[imprtnrd]

Well, Iam gay. I was married to a female once, for 16 yrs. we had a boy and a girl. Only b/c back then 1980"s, that is the way it was suppose to be. Get married and have a family.

I knew I liked boys in grade school. Back then you sure wouldn't "come out". I was "in the closet" way to long.

Sure, my ex wife was devastated when she found out but we now have a good relationship, and Im in a commited gay realationship with a man. That was back in 1999.

 

[QueerNation]

I am interested to hear about the conflict between being who you really are vs. being who people expect you to be. I am specifically asking about the conflict of being in a straight relationship and wanting out because you are gay. How did people around you react? How did the spouse react? Do you feel guilt for misleading your spouse?

No, I am not gay. I don't want this to turn into a flame-fest. I will report anyone who tries to derail this thread. This thread's purpose is to understand the struggle that homosexuals go through. Thank you.

As a gay man, I can tell you that I haven't had to deal with this type of situation, though as a child, I knew I was gay and had girlfriends anyway. I DID kind of feel dishonest, but my girlfriend didn't seem to have any idea. We still kissed and were great friends, but I never had sex with her.

I know of a couple friends who have been in that situation and they did have a very stubborn guilt complex about not being honest, but also many of them were in a bit of denial usually brought on by the hatred that they see towards homosexuals in society. This is why it is very common for homophobia to be a problem withing the LGBT community as well as the hetero community.

I also know a couple gay people who had a very EASY 'coming out' even after admitting to their wives and kids. I think this is the best kind of way for it to turn out. The wife was very accepting and would even say that she thought he was gay too, and the kids were fine. This couple even stayed together even after he admitted he was gay. Which really is the most rational response. He did say that his wife was hurt, but it turned out that she was gay too!

;->)

 

[JustineCredible]

This is why people have to be honest with themselves before they can be honest with anyone else. Whether the dishonesty was willful or not, in the end, it is dishonesty.

As you have stated, you would still be in your lousy marriage if you hadn't caught him cheating. So therefore, you don't have that issue to feel guilty about. Although, if you are gay (not bisexual) then I would wonder if you gave yourself to your husband the way you do to your current partner. (I mean this from a mental aspect)

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you on this, but life sometimes gets in the way.


No, I wasn't as committed to my husband as I am to my current partner. But I wanted to be.
I wanted that same bond with him as I have now. I wanted him to need and want me they way I wanted to need and want him.
He never committed to me either, so, in the end it really was for the best that our marriage didn't last.

My son is happy and healthy, I'm in a happy and healthy relationship, and although I tried to make sure my son maintained a good relationship with his father..his father opted to not put in the same effort.
I look at this as a good thing only in that I know what kind of a person his father really is. He married for the fourth time before he turned thirty. He bounced from one woman to the next for several years. He has completely ignored or forgotten his eldest son's birthday three years in a row and has made promises he's not kept. I always knew this would happen, but kept my mouth shut. Now my son knows for himself that his father can't be trusted and has turned out so far, to be a much better person than his father. He's honest, loyal, caring, compassionate, generally happy and keeps his word.
As I have said before, I'm very happy for the way things have turned out and I harbor no guilt whatsoever.

 

[Patrickt]

I don't know about you but I've faced the conflict of who I am versus who others wanted me to be all my life. My father constantly told me I wasn't what he wanted until I was 45 and he gave up. My wife never tired of telling me I wasn't what she wanted. For me, and I suspect a lot of others, it's life.

It really doesn't matter why you want out of a relationship. It's going to be traumatic. I've known people who left a spouse for another of the opposite sex, same sex, different race, and the effect is always pretty much the same. A friend lost his wife to 80% of the men in town and another friend ran off with her husband's best friend. That was traumatic.

Then there's the question of how you break the news. I've had to tell a lot of people their loved ones had died unexpectedly and people asked me how to do it. They were looking for a nice way to do it. There is no nice way. You just do it, suffer through, and go on.

I had a friend who needed to tell his parents that he was gay. He beat around the bush so long that when he finally told them his mother screamed, "You nitwit. I thought you were dying."