Jermaine
Banned
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2005
- Messages
- 4
- Reaction score
- 0
- Gender
- Undisclosed
- Political Leaning
- Undisclosed
The adventures of Jermaine Colmes:
LICENCE TO JUCK
DAY 1: Royal Lane HQ
The very sway of the way he walked oozed with a calculative manner. PI/male-model Jermaine J. Colmes (the man with a licence to Juck people in their headpieces) sat there at his desk trying to unravel the mysteries of the Daily telegraph crossword puzzle. Within two minutes he had completed it. His intellect was such that he never had to break sweat. His attention turned to his trusty assistant who was seated across the table from him. Dr Christopher W. Motson was a plump, slow-witted man with a balding scalp. Wide-open, languid eyes contributed to his ever-dopey aura. Both Inspector Colmes and Dr Motson were 19 year-old students at Brunel University. However when they were not engaged with their studies they devoted their spare time to the pursuit of crime solving. Criminals and terrorists all over the Uxbridge area quaked upon the mere mention of their names. Colmes turned to his assistant.
COLMES: “Motson what are you doing over there”?
MOTSON: “Do you mind Colmes. I’m just entertaining myself with the latest copy of ‘Nuts’. There is an array of pictures of the most beautiful, buxom beauties in all of England”.
COLMES: “Motson whilst you neurologically masturbate, may I remind you that there are pressing problems which face this country. For example it has come to my attention that the great mafia boss Jugvinder Boparai-Singh is exerting a stranglehold of crime over Brunel University. That Asian has plans to take over Brunel campus with his pimping industry. Never again will innocent-minded, sperm-filled boys go to the academy without the danger of being confronted by a prostitute. He must be stopped at all costs. Otherwise a new outbreak of aids will start from Brunel”.
MOTSON: “I can’t say I think too much of this Mr Jugs Boparai”.
COLMES: “ My friend. He is an extremely astute, cold-blooded businessman. A drugs/alcohol-filled environment such as a university nightclub is a perfect ground for this plan. Motson I’m sending you into the academy tonight undercover as hotdog salesmen. Observe any unusual activity you see in the academy and report back to me. I will hang around in Clifton R and play some ISS with the current tenants. We must move quickly”…
Academy, Brunel
Motson stood there at the Hotdog stand looking a tad uncomfortable. It was around 12:00 and he hadn’t sold as many hotdogs as the Indian man usually sells. He decided that it was time to call it a day. He sat down on the sofa and watched the teenagers perform their dances. Then a beautiful girl came and sat next to him. Although she was of a coloured complexion and did possess a substantial amount of make-up Motson was enticed by her beauty. The two of them made conversation for approximately half an hour. Then the girl asked Motson to go to the toilet with her. When they were alone Motson made his move. Just as he was about to kiss her she smacked him in the face. Motson was bemused. The women pulled her make-up off.
COLMES: “It’s me Motson. I was in disguise the whole time”.
MOTSON: “Colmes. How could you play such an insidious trick on me”?
COLMES: “ I wanted to demonstrate to you how easy it is to fall for a girl in this environment. Anyway my time as a member of the fairer sex has not been in vain. I have learned from several of the other whores that a women known as Marissa Stevens is the ringleader. The plan hinges upon her. I will pretend to be interested in her, take her back to Clifton and then after giving her a good pummelling I will make her lead me to Boparai. Once I apprehend Boparai and bring down his evil empire I will hand him over to ENGLAND YARD and inspector Retarde”.
All of a sudden the big Asian bouncer burst into the toilet. He looked at Colmes who was still dressed in women’s attire.
BOUNCER: “There’s a cross-dresser in here. Back-up back up. I need back up. Within seconds a swarm of 5 bouncers descended upon the toilet and attacked Colmes. Colmes, a man who relied on his intellect to help him succeed in life as opposed to his brawn, was easily defeated. The bouncers dragged him out of the lavatory and up onto the stage by his legs. The DJ stopped playing the music to the anger of the crowd. They proceeded to tight Colmes up against a stake. Relentlessly the crowded pounded him with hotdogs and Smirnoff bottles. The big Asian bouncer, Mohammed, put a microphone to his mouth.
MOHAMMED: “Ladies and gentlemen we have amongst us a cross-dresser. I caught this transvestite in the toilets being disgusting. We won’t stand for this sort of thing in the academy. What shall we do with him”?
CROWD: “Kill! Kill! Kill!”.
Mohammed placed 5 car tires around Colmes and the stake, which he was attached to and then, doused them with petroleum. The DJ started playing ritualistic tribe music just as Mohammed set the base of the tires alit. Quickly the flames began to engulf Colmes. Then a shot was fired across the room catching Mohammed clean in the temple. It was Motson. Motson quickly ran up onto the stage and freed Colmes from his entrapment. The two men ran out the academy with an entire crowd of transvestite-bashers behind them in close pursuit. They ran around to the side of the library, smashed open the window and hid inside.
COLMES: “Thanks for rescuing me there Motson. I thought that I was done for. Oh well it looks like we’re going to have to sleep in here tonight. We’ll reassume our investigation tomorrow morning. We’ll begin by looking for this Marissa Stevens girl. Good night Motson”.
MOTSON: “Good night Colmes”.
DAY 2: Brunel University
Chris Motson awoke the next morning to see Jermaine Colmes staring out of the library window. It was around 9:00 am.
MOTSON: “what are you looking at Colmes”?
COLMES: “ It is an intriguing site observing the on goings of a university during the day. Hundreds of students walking around, intent only upon the realisation of pleasure. No one here cares a wit about anything beyond their own menial existence… Hallo what’s that”?
A noise was coming from the staircase area. Someone was coming up. Colmes assumed a position, behind a bookshelf, whereby he could see who it was but they couldn’t see him. It was the librarian with a machine-gun in his hand. If the librarian found them he was surely kill them. They quickly shuffled their way through the isles so as to avoid him. Then all of a sudden Motson fell over. There was some pepper on the floor. He sneezed.
The librarian ran around and saw Motson. Just as he was about to shoot Motson Colmes pushed over the shelf nearest to the Librarian. It crushed the ailing man in a single swoop.
MOTSON: “Thanks for that Colmes”.
COLMES: “ That’s 1 all. Now we’re even. Let’s stop wasting time here and proceed with our investigation”.
They both went to the Wilfred Brown building. Colmes showed his badge to the women receptionist at the front desk. Colmes asked where he could find a Marissa Stevens.
RECEPTIONIST: “She lives at number 40, Staircase M, Saltash”.
Colmes deduced that she was being fallacious with him. He feigned that he was credulous in regards to what she had said. Then he and Motson walked outside. Slow-minded as usual Dr Motson was unaware that the woman who had told them Mrs Stevens’s address had lied.
MOTSON: “Lets go to Saltash and question Mrs Stevens now”.
COLMES:” Wrong! Motson your lack of perception perturbs me. That receptionist who spoke to us is obviously a phoney. She is an agent of Jugvinder Borparai who has been put in place to throw you and me off the track. She is not the real receptionist. If my deductions are correct I would say that that women hasn’t been a receptionist for more than two hours”.
MOTSON: “How could you possibly know that Colmes”?
COLMES: “ Because her name tag read Mao Chang and she was Indian. Obviously the real receptionist is Chinese and considering that she certainly wasn’t Chinese I knew that she was a phoney”.
MOTSON: “Well done Colmes. But how do you know that she hadn’t worked there for more that two hours”.
COLMES: “Because it’s 11:00 and the Wilfred Brown building only opened two hours ago. Elementary really! We must let her believe that she fooled us and therefore our antagonists will think that we are on the wrong track. I have a contact called Zee. He may be able to help us find Mrs Stevens”.
bread.
LICENCE TO JUCK
DAY 1: Royal Lane HQ
The very sway of the way he walked oozed with a calculative manner. PI/male-model Jermaine J. Colmes (the man with a licence to Juck people in their headpieces) sat there at his desk trying to unravel the mysteries of the Daily telegraph crossword puzzle. Within two minutes he had completed it. His intellect was such that he never had to break sweat. His attention turned to his trusty assistant who was seated across the table from him. Dr Christopher W. Motson was a plump, slow-witted man with a balding scalp. Wide-open, languid eyes contributed to his ever-dopey aura. Both Inspector Colmes and Dr Motson were 19 year-old students at Brunel University. However when they were not engaged with their studies they devoted their spare time to the pursuit of crime solving. Criminals and terrorists all over the Uxbridge area quaked upon the mere mention of their names. Colmes turned to his assistant.
COLMES: “Motson what are you doing over there”?
MOTSON: “Do you mind Colmes. I’m just entertaining myself with the latest copy of ‘Nuts’. There is an array of pictures of the most beautiful, buxom beauties in all of England”.
COLMES: “Motson whilst you neurologically masturbate, may I remind you that there are pressing problems which face this country. For example it has come to my attention that the great mafia boss Jugvinder Boparai-Singh is exerting a stranglehold of crime over Brunel University. That Asian has plans to take over Brunel campus with his pimping industry. Never again will innocent-minded, sperm-filled boys go to the academy without the danger of being confronted by a prostitute. He must be stopped at all costs. Otherwise a new outbreak of aids will start from Brunel”.
MOTSON: “I can’t say I think too much of this Mr Jugs Boparai”.
COLMES: “ My friend. He is an extremely astute, cold-blooded businessman. A drugs/alcohol-filled environment such as a university nightclub is a perfect ground for this plan. Motson I’m sending you into the academy tonight undercover as hotdog salesmen. Observe any unusual activity you see in the academy and report back to me. I will hang around in Clifton R and play some ISS with the current tenants. We must move quickly”…
Academy, Brunel
Motson stood there at the Hotdog stand looking a tad uncomfortable. It was around 12:00 and he hadn’t sold as many hotdogs as the Indian man usually sells. He decided that it was time to call it a day. He sat down on the sofa and watched the teenagers perform their dances. Then a beautiful girl came and sat next to him. Although she was of a coloured complexion and did possess a substantial amount of make-up Motson was enticed by her beauty. The two of them made conversation for approximately half an hour. Then the girl asked Motson to go to the toilet with her. When they were alone Motson made his move. Just as he was about to kiss her she smacked him in the face. Motson was bemused. The women pulled her make-up off.
COLMES: “It’s me Motson. I was in disguise the whole time”.
MOTSON: “Colmes. How could you play such an insidious trick on me”?
COLMES: “ I wanted to demonstrate to you how easy it is to fall for a girl in this environment. Anyway my time as a member of the fairer sex has not been in vain. I have learned from several of the other whores that a women known as Marissa Stevens is the ringleader. The plan hinges upon her. I will pretend to be interested in her, take her back to Clifton and then after giving her a good pummelling I will make her lead me to Boparai. Once I apprehend Boparai and bring down his evil empire I will hand him over to ENGLAND YARD and inspector Retarde”.
All of a sudden the big Asian bouncer burst into the toilet. He looked at Colmes who was still dressed in women’s attire.
BOUNCER: “There’s a cross-dresser in here. Back-up back up. I need back up. Within seconds a swarm of 5 bouncers descended upon the toilet and attacked Colmes. Colmes, a man who relied on his intellect to help him succeed in life as opposed to his brawn, was easily defeated. The bouncers dragged him out of the lavatory and up onto the stage by his legs. The DJ stopped playing the music to the anger of the crowd. They proceeded to tight Colmes up against a stake. Relentlessly the crowded pounded him with hotdogs and Smirnoff bottles. The big Asian bouncer, Mohammed, put a microphone to his mouth.
MOHAMMED: “Ladies and gentlemen we have amongst us a cross-dresser. I caught this transvestite in the toilets being disgusting. We won’t stand for this sort of thing in the academy. What shall we do with him”?
CROWD: “Kill! Kill! Kill!”.
Mohammed placed 5 car tires around Colmes and the stake, which he was attached to and then, doused them with petroleum. The DJ started playing ritualistic tribe music just as Mohammed set the base of the tires alit. Quickly the flames began to engulf Colmes. Then a shot was fired across the room catching Mohammed clean in the temple. It was Motson. Motson quickly ran up onto the stage and freed Colmes from his entrapment. The two men ran out the academy with an entire crowd of transvestite-bashers behind them in close pursuit. They ran around to the side of the library, smashed open the window and hid inside.
COLMES: “Thanks for rescuing me there Motson. I thought that I was done for. Oh well it looks like we’re going to have to sleep in here tonight. We’ll reassume our investigation tomorrow morning. We’ll begin by looking for this Marissa Stevens girl. Good night Motson”.
MOTSON: “Good night Colmes”.
DAY 2: Brunel University
Chris Motson awoke the next morning to see Jermaine Colmes staring out of the library window. It was around 9:00 am.
MOTSON: “what are you looking at Colmes”?
COLMES: “ It is an intriguing site observing the on goings of a university during the day. Hundreds of students walking around, intent only upon the realisation of pleasure. No one here cares a wit about anything beyond their own menial existence… Hallo what’s that”?
A noise was coming from the staircase area. Someone was coming up. Colmes assumed a position, behind a bookshelf, whereby he could see who it was but they couldn’t see him. It was the librarian with a machine-gun in his hand. If the librarian found them he was surely kill them. They quickly shuffled their way through the isles so as to avoid him. Then all of a sudden Motson fell over. There was some pepper on the floor. He sneezed.
The librarian ran around and saw Motson. Just as he was about to shoot Motson Colmes pushed over the shelf nearest to the Librarian. It crushed the ailing man in a single swoop.
MOTSON: “Thanks for that Colmes”.
COLMES: “ That’s 1 all. Now we’re even. Let’s stop wasting time here and proceed with our investigation”.
They both went to the Wilfred Brown building. Colmes showed his badge to the women receptionist at the front desk. Colmes asked where he could find a Marissa Stevens.
RECEPTIONIST: “She lives at number 40, Staircase M, Saltash”.
Colmes deduced that she was being fallacious with him. He feigned that he was credulous in regards to what she had said. Then he and Motson walked outside. Slow-minded as usual Dr Motson was unaware that the woman who had told them Mrs Stevens’s address had lied.
MOTSON: “Lets go to Saltash and question Mrs Stevens now”.
COLMES:” Wrong! Motson your lack of perception perturbs me. That receptionist who spoke to us is obviously a phoney. She is an agent of Jugvinder Borparai who has been put in place to throw you and me off the track. She is not the real receptionist. If my deductions are correct I would say that that women hasn’t been a receptionist for more than two hours”.
MOTSON: “How could you possibly know that Colmes”?
COLMES: “ Because her name tag read Mao Chang and she was Indian. Obviously the real receptionist is Chinese and considering that she certainly wasn’t Chinese I knew that she was a phoney”.
MOTSON: “Well done Colmes. But how do you know that she hadn’t worked there for more that two hours”.
COLMES: “Because it’s 11:00 and the Wilfred Brown building only opened two hours ago. Elementary really! We must let her believe that she fooled us and therefore our antagonists will think that we are on the wrong track. I have a contact called Zee. He may be able to help us find Mrs Stevens”.
bread.