Please read my intellectual novel

[Jermaine]

The adventures of Jermaine Colmes:
LICENCE TO JUCK

DAY 1: Royal Lane HQ
The very sway of the way he walked oozed with a calculative manner. PI/male-model Jermaine J. Colmes (the man with a licence to Juck people in their headpieces) sat there at his desk trying to unravel the mysteries of the Daily telegraph crossword puzzle. Within two minutes he had completed it. His intellect was such that he never had to break sweat. His attention turned to his trusty assistant who was seated across the table from him. Dr Christopher W. Motson was a plump, slow-witted man with a balding scalp. Wide-open, languid eyes contributed to his ever-dopey aura. Both Inspector Colmes and Dr Motson were 19 year-old students at Brunel University. However when they were not engaged with their studies they devoted their spare time to the pursuit of crime solving. Criminals and terrorists all over the Uxbridge area quaked upon the mere mention of their names. Colmes turned to his assistant.
COLMES: “Motson what are you doing over there”?
MOTSON: “Do you mind Colmes. I’m just entertaining myself with the latest copy of ‘Nuts’. There is an array of pictures of the most beautiful, buxom beauties in all of England”.
COLMES: “Motson whilst you neurologically masturbate, may I remind you that there are pressing problems which face this country. For example it has come to my attention that the great mafia boss Jugvinder Boparai-Singh is exerting a stranglehold of crime over Brunel University. That Asian has plans to take over Brunel campus with his pimping industry. Never again will innocent-minded, sperm-filled boys go to the academy without the danger of being confronted by a prostitute. He must be stopped at all costs. Otherwise a new outbreak of aids will start from Brunel”.
MOTSON: “I can’t say I think too much of this Mr Jugs Boparai”.
COLMES: “ My friend. He is an extremely astute, cold-blooded businessman. A drugs/alcohol-filled environment such as a university nightclub is a perfect ground for this plan. Motson I’m sending you into the academy tonight undercover as hotdog salesmen. Observe any unusual activity you see in the academy and report back to me. I will hang around in Clifton R and play some ISS with the current tenants. We must move quickly”…

Academy, Brunel
Motson stood there at the Hotdog stand looking a tad uncomfortable. It was around 12:00 and he hadn’t sold as many hotdogs as the Indian man usually sells. He decided that it was time to call it a day. He sat down on the sofa and watched the teenagers perform their dances. Then a beautiful girl came and sat next to him. Although she was of a coloured complexion and did possess a substantial amount of make-up Motson was enticed by her beauty. The two of them made conversation for approximately half an hour. Then the girl asked Motson to go to the toilet with her. When they were alone Motson made his move. Just as he was about to kiss her she smacked him in the face. Motson was bemused. The women pulled her make-up off.
COLMES: “It’s me Motson. I was in disguise the whole time”.
MOTSON: “Colmes. How could you play such an insidious trick on me”?
COLMES: “ I wanted to demonstrate to you how easy it is to fall for a girl in this environment. Anyway my time as a member of the fairer sex has not been in vain. I have learned from several of the other whores that a women known as Marissa Stevens is the ringleader. The plan hinges upon her. I will pretend to be interested in her, take her back to Clifton and then after giving her a good pummelling I will make her lead me to Boparai. Once I apprehend Boparai and bring down his evil empire I will hand him over to ENGLAND YARD and inspector Retarde”.
All of a sudden the big Asian bouncer burst into the toilet. He looked at Colmes who was still dressed in women’s attire.
BOUNCER: “There’s a cross-dresser in here. Back-up back up. I need back up. Within seconds a swarm of 5 bouncers descended upon the toilet and attacked Colmes. Colmes, a man who relied on his intellect to help him succeed in life as opposed to his brawn, was easily defeated. The bouncers dragged him out of the lavatory and up onto the stage by his legs. The DJ stopped playing the music to the anger of the crowd. They proceeded to tight Colmes up against a stake. Relentlessly the crowded pounded him with hotdogs and Smirnoff bottles. The big Asian bouncer, Mohammed, put a microphone to his mouth.
MOHAMMED: “Ladies and gentlemen we have amongst us a cross-dresser. I caught this transvestite in the toilets being disgusting. We won’t stand for this sort of thing in the academy. What shall we do with him”?
CROWD: “Kill! Kill! Kill!”.
Mohammed placed 5 car tires around Colmes and the stake, which he was attached to and then, doused them with petroleum. The DJ started playing ritualistic tribe music just as Mohammed set the base of the tires alit. Quickly the flames began to engulf Colmes. Then a shot was fired across the room catching Mohammed clean in the temple. It was Motson. Motson quickly ran up onto the stage and freed Colmes from his entrapment. The two men ran out the academy with an entire crowd of transvestite-bashers behind them in close pursuit. They ran around to the side of the library, smashed open the window and hid inside.
COLMES: “Thanks for rescuing me there Motson. I thought that I was done for. Oh well it looks like we’re going to have to sleep in here tonight. We’ll reassume our investigation tomorrow morning. We’ll begin by looking for this Marissa Stevens girl. Good night Motson”.
MOTSON: “Good night Colmes”.


DAY 2: Brunel University
Chris Motson awoke the next morning to see Jermaine Colmes staring out of the library window. It was around 9:00 am.
MOTSON: “what are you looking at Colmes”?
COLMES: “ It is an intriguing site observing the on goings of a university during the day. Hundreds of students walking around, intent only upon the realisation of pleasure. No one here cares a wit about anything beyond their own menial existence… Hallo what’s that”?
A noise was coming from the staircase area. Someone was coming up. Colmes assumed a position, behind a bookshelf, whereby he could see who it was but they couldn’t see him. It was the librarian with a machine-gun in his hand. If the librarian found them he was surely kill them. They quickly shuffled their way through the isles so as to avoid him. Then all of a sudden Motson fell over. There was some pepper on the floor. He sneezed.
The librarian ran around and saw Motson. Just as he was about to shoot Motson Colmes pushed over the shelf nearest to the Librarian. It crushed the ailing man in a single swoop.
MOTSON: “Thanks for that Colmes”.
COLMES: “ That’s 1 all. Now we’re even. Let’s stop wasting time here and proceed with our investigation”.
They both went to the Wilfred Brown building. Colmes showed his badge to the women receptionist at the front desk. Colmes asked where he could find a Marissa Stevens.
RECEPTIONIST: “She lives at number 40, Staircase M, Saltash”.
Colmes deduced that she was being fallacious with him. He feigned that he was credulous in regards to what she had said. Then he and Motson walked outside. Slow-minded as usual Dr Motson was unaware that the woman who had told them Mrs Stevens’s address had lied.
MOTSON: “Lets go to Saltash and question Mrs Stevens now”.
COLMES:” Wrong! Motson your lack of perception perturbs me. That receptionist who spoke to us is obviously a phoney. She is an agent of Jugvinder Borparai who has been put in place to throw you and me off the track. She is not the real receptionist. If my deductions are correct I would say that that women hasn’t been a receptionist for more than two hours”.
MOTSON: “How could you possibly know that Colmes”?
COLMES: “ Because her name tag read Mao Chang and she was Indian. Obviously the real receptionist is Chinese and considering that she certainly wasn’t Chinese I knew that she was a phoney”.
MOTSON: “Well done Colmes. But how do you know that she hadn’t worked there for more that two hours”.
COLMES: “Because it’s 11:00 and the Wilfred Brown building only opened two hours ago. Elementary really! We must let her believe that she fooled us and therefore our antagonists will think that we are on the wrong track. I have a contact called Zee. He may be able to help us find Mrs Stevens”.
bread.

 

[Jermaine]

Part 2
Colmes and Motson made the 2-minute walk to Chepstow. However when they walked past Clifton, staircase R Colmes noticed something odd was in the air. He could smell a bizarre smell. It was a smell that he had smelt only once in his life when he was in Leicester. He looked up to see a blond man leaning out of a first-floor window. It was the very appropriately named Cockman an old friend of Colmes. Cockman was a failed footballer and had turned to a life of crime after he had been laughed out of Yeading football club when he attended a trial. Cockman threw a T.V out of the window, but having anticipated an attack, Colmes dove for cover.
Colmes hurled a stone right at Cockman’s window. The stone hit the midlander smack in the face and he was unconsciously. Colmes and Motson made their way into Clifton and grabbed the dazed Cockman and took him into the shower. They stripped him and took photographs of his penis. They then woke him up.
COLMES: “ Listen here you mole-infested failure tell me why you were trying to kill us. If you don’t me and my friend will publish pictures of your modesty in the school newspaper”.
COCKMAN: “We don’t go to school we go to University”.
COLMES: “Don’t get smart with me. Tell me what I want to know now”!
COCKMAN: “I was hired by an Asian man to kill you. He didn’t tell me why he wanted you dead. He only told me that you were snooping around where you didn’t belong”.
MOTSON: “What was his name”?
COCKMAN: “His name was Singh”.
COLMES: “That really narrows it down! Can you give me any identifying marks about him”.
COCKMAN: “Not really… Oh yeah! Wait a minute. Now I remember. He only had one arm. He was about 4 feet tall and had dyed-pink hair”.
COLMES: “Excellent Cockman. Lets go Motson”.
Colmes smacked Cockman in the face, set fire to his room and with that the two of them left.
The next port of call was to Chepstow. Colmes knocked on Zee’s door. The Asian man answered the door… Immediately he embraced the private detective. Colmes walked into the room with a smile, which suggested an air of thought. He was deductive mode.
COLMES: “was she fit”?
ZEE: “What do u mean”?
COLMES: “The girl you brought back here last night. Was she attractive”?
MOTSON: “How do you know that Zee had a girl here in his room last night. I see no signs of a girl being here. No johnnies, no clothing, no feminine smell”?
COLMES: “Elementary my dear Motson! On Zee’s bedside table there is the unmistakeable evidence of wax drippings. I would say by the texture and the moistness of it that it was lit around 10 hours ago at about 2:30. Zee would only have lit those had a girl been here”.
ZEE: “Once again you amaze me. You are spot-on. I did have a girl, well actually 2 girls here last night”.
COLMES: “ Ha ha. Zee I am a legend of the detective world and you are legend of the social world. Now tell me where I can find a girl called Marissa Stevens”.
ZEE: “Did you say Marissa. One of the girls I slept with last night was called Marissa. I don’t know her surname but she was a 3rd year”.
Colmes immediately turned on Zee’s laptop and went onto the Brunel web mail site. There were two Marissa’s at the Uni but the one who they sought Marissa Stevens was a third year whilst the other one was a 1st year. Colmes turned to Zee with a saddened look on his face.
COLMES: “I’m sorry Zee but one of the girls you knobbed last night was Marissa Stevens. She is a prostitute. That means you’ve been infected with Aids. I’m sorry”.
At that moment Zee dropped to the floor. Quickly Motson held him upright.
MOTSON: “Tell us where she lives. Where does she live”?
ZEE: “ 23 Royal Lane. Blap! Blap! Blap!”…
Those were Zee’s last words. He died right there and then. Colmes and Motson knew that they would have to apprehend Borparai imminently if they were to save many others from sharing Zee’s fate.
COLMES: “ This is where we split up Motson. You go around Uni to find out if you can find this pink-haired, 4-foot tall, one-armed Asian guy and I’ll go back to Royal Lane and question this girl. You give me a call on your mobile. Also call Retarde and tell him to help…. Hallo what’s this?”
Colmes found Zee’s mobile on the floor. He logically inferred that Zee’s pin code was his Birthday 1408. When he turned on the phone he looked through Zee’s pictures and found a photo labelled’ Marissa’.
COLMES: “Excellent Motson. Now we know what she looks like”…

23 Royal Lane, UXBRIDGE
Jermaine Colmes had decided on his 15-minute walk down to 23 Royal lane that he would wait outside for Mrs Stevens to show up. He decided to go over to road to the house of Will Evans (a close Uni friend) and spy out of the window to see when Mrs Stevens left her house. When he rang the doorbell Mrs Kathleen Evans opened the door.
COLMES: “ Good morning Mrs Evans is your husband Evans in? Oh Evans there you are. I need to commandeer your lounge so I can spy on number 23 over the road. Is that okay with you”?
EVANS: “Hello there Colmes! Of course you can come in and use my house. Would you like something to drink”?
COLMES: “ Ribena please”.
Colmes sat there in sombre silence trying not to make eye contact with Mrs Evans in the knowledge that the slightest glance would mean that they would have to make small talk. She looked at him. There was only one thing for it…
COLMES: “ Kat have you been watching Eastenders lately”?
Mrs EVANS: “Oh yeah of course”
They spoke about Eastenders and the pressing social repercussions, which it was attached to it for around half an hour. He then received a phone call from Motson who had succeeded in tracking down the pink-haired Asian man who had ordered Cockman to assassinate Colmes. He’d traced him to a room in Mill Hall. The man’s name was Pradesh Johal. He was a 1st year Law student from Bradford.
MOTSON: “ Me and Retarde are interrogating the suspect as we speak”.
COLMES: “Excellent Motson. You and Retarde see what you can do there. I’ll stay here and see what I can pick up from this end”.
Mill Hall, Brunel University
20 Year-old Detective-Inspector Matthew A. Retarde walked into the room. The pink-haired Asian man (Johal) was sat there in his room strapped to the wall. DI Retarde, a criminology student, was a veteran of the Brunel security staff. He’d got a job there in his freshers’ week. His muscular appearance and past career as a Rugby player had endowed him well in his interview. He lived on the same floor as Colmes and the two of them had met each other on the first night of Uni. They had enjoyed many an intellectual conversation on the arts of criminology, logic and deduction.
Retarde looked scornfully at Johal. Johal, a devout Muslim, began to lapse into a prayer in the hope that Allah would save him. It was just he, Retarde and Dr Motson and a couple of the security staff in the room. Retarde gestured to his men to leave him and Motson alone in the room with the suspect. They did as he asked. The DI bent down over the Bradfordian.
RETARDE: “ Tell me what I need to know what I want to know now. Where is your boss Borparai”?
JOHAL: “ I’ll tell you but you have to promise me immunity and I want free pass into the academy for a month”!
RETARDE: “Okay we’ll give you all of that. Now tell me where can I find him. We need to arrest him and get all the prozzies off the streets that he’s been pimping ”?
JOHAL: “ You can find him….”.

 

[Jermaine]

PART 3
At that moment Johal’s face began to contort and convulsions overtook him. Foam frothed forth from his mouth. The blood-shot eyes reminded Motson of when he was in Vietnam and he spilt ketchup all over Colmes’s coat. It was a horrible incident and Colmes’s had never let Motson live it down. The lifeless Johal fell to the floor. In the back of his neck was a dart. Retarde looked up to the window. A small hole had been pierced through the glass. An assassin had obviously fired the dart through the window to stop Johal from talking. Retarde ran to the window and saw a masked figure running away. Hurriedly Retarde fired a few shots at the fleeing figure but it was to no avail. He escaped.
RETARDE: “what do we do now Dr Motson? We’ll never find Jugvinder Borparai now! Our only lead is dead”.
MOTSON: “All we can do is hope that Colmes comes up trumps with his lead down at Royal lane”…

Royal Lane, UXBRIDGE
It was around 8 o’clock in the evening when the front door of 23 Royal lane opened. Jermaine Colmes strained his eyes to peer through the shades. It was Marissa Stevens for sure. Colmes turned around and made for the door.
He followed Mrs Stevens on foot down the dimly lit Royal lane. As he reached Hillingdon hospital some hooded youths approached Colmes.
YOUTH 1: “Yo’ blood let me see your phone before I step to you and Juck you in your uncle Ned”.
YOUTH 2: “Yo you bes hurry up and hand over your phone homie”.
Colmes fly-kicked the youth nearest to him in the jaw. Then he charged the next one and head-butted him in the mid rift. Both of them were left laying there in agony.
Colmes resumed his shadowing of Mrs Stevens. After around five minutes they reached an estate. Once they were inside the estate a certain waft of curry was discernable in the air. Colmes deduced that there was a large Asian presence in the vicinity. Marissa walked over to a house and knocked on the door.
Colmes was watching the whole thing from behind a parked car. A man came to the door and let here in. Loud music was playing and a neon light was evident in an upstairs window. Colmes deduced through his powers of extreme logic that there was only one conclusion to be made. A party was underway. He knew that in order to gain access to the house he would have to approach from the rear. He went around to the back of the row of houses in front of him. After a while he came to a garden entrance to the house where the party was being held. He scaled the fence and made his way across the lawn to the house. Then all of a sudden a dog came roaring out a kennel. It was a huge Great Dane. It had obviously been mutated because it was 10 foot high. Colmes looked around as the fiend drew closer and closer. He was very afraid. Then he saw a stray hotdog on the floor. He picked it up and threw it in the opposite direction. The Great Dane decided to go and eat the hotdog instead of Colmes. Relieved that his decoy had scared away the hund he made his way into the house. He quickly disguised himself as an Asian and took the identity of Punjab Singh.


Secret location, Uxbridge
Borparai sat there in his secret evil chamber talking to his henchmen.
BORPARAI: “How is our operation to flood the market with fake academy tickets going”?
His second in command Phil Crooks replied to his boss’s inquiry.
CROOKS: “We’ve printed a load of fake tickets which have already been sold to unsuspecting students. As well as ensuring a lot of money for us it will destroy the economy of Brunel. Ha ha ha ha!”
BORPARAI: “And our pimping activities are going according to plan as well it seems. Marissa Stevens (the leader of the whores) is doing a fine job. Nothing can stop us in our plan of dominating Brunel and then maybe one day the whole of Uxbridge. Blap! Blap! Blap!”…


Estate, Uxbridge
Colmes was walking around the house still in the guise of an Asian man. He had been successfully making a good degree of small talk with the revellers. He had also refuted several efforts by people offering him alcohol. He needed to be in full control of his faculties when he was on detective work. There was only one thing missing… Marissa! He walked to the top floor. He smelt the distinct smell of Marijuana coming from an upstairs bedroom. He carefully opened the door and bent his head into the room. There were 10 people, all smoking Marijuana, in the room. A man of Negro appearance gestured Colmes into the room. Marissa Stevens was sitting in the room.
BLACK MAN: “Yo homie come in and kotch on the couch wid us. We is gonna get smashed”.
Colmes took in the man’s offer to sit down but declined. He continued to speak in an Indian accent, thus keeping himself within the persona of an Asian. Then he noticed one of the men in the corner. It was Jugvinder Borparai himself! There were 3 security guards all with machine guns sitting next to the great Mafia king. Colmes knew that his actions over the next ten minutes would be the difference between failure and success. He went over and, after at first being thoroughly frisked, started speaking to Borparai and introduced himself as Punjab Singh. He knew he needed to establish some common ground in order to gain his antagonists trust so he opted to pass himself of as a bit of a gangster himself. Colmes proposed a plan to join forces in the drug market with Mr Borparai. After around 3 minutes of seeming interest by Borparai, Colmes noticed a slight frown. The eyes of the gangster supreme lit up. Something was unusually familiar about this man Punjab Singh before him. Borparai stood up imperiously, walked over to the alleged Punjab Singh and ripped off his fake moustache.
BORPARAI: “You are no drug-dealer. What have you really come here for my dear MR JERMAINE COLMES”?
COLMES: “Mr Jugvinder Borparai-Singh! It is a statement lacking fallaciousness to say that you deserve your prestigious reputation. How did you deduce that it was really me”?
The whole room burst into laughter. These un-intellectual people were not used to being in the presence of someone with as superior a vocabulary as Jermaine Colmes. Borparai, smug as ever, confronted Colmes.
BORPARAI: “My dear Mr Colmes your first slip was when you walked into the room and said your name was Punjab Singh. Every red-blooded Asian breadrin knows that the Punjab is a state in India. It is not a name however. However it was after that slip that I began to analyse your face carefully. Despite the fact that your disguise is impressive, I could see your face. Therefore I ‘deduced’ that it was you”. Is that a good piece of logic Colmes”?
COLMES: “Quite”!
BORPARAI: “I take it you were sent here by ENGLAND YARD to try to apprehend me and stop me in my plans to take total control over the Uni”.
COLMES: “Borparai lets dispense with all of this small talk and banter. If you are going to kill just kill me already and get it over with. I can’t sit here and listen to you bore me with your plans of domination”.
BORPARAI: “Okay Colmes I will let you have a choice how I shall kill you. Option A- I stab you to death. Option B- get my moans to batter you to death or option C a simple bullet into your headpiece. The choice is yours”!
COLMES: “Mr Borparai your suggestions disappoint me. They are very simplistic and unoriginal. I should have hoped that for a detective of such legendary status such as myself that you would have had something a tad more sophisticated”.
Borparai sat there for a moment in contemplation. Then he came up with an idea.
BORPARAI: “Okay Mr Colmes I have an idea. I will place you in an empty swimming pool in the garden with three of my finest Great Danes. Gladiator style hey Colmes! You won’t last two minutes”.
COLMES: “Fair enough! Do what you must”.

Minutes later Jermaine Colmes found himself being lowered into an emptied swimming pool. Around a hundred student (mainly of an ethnic background) were cheering the staged execution. As the soles of Colmes’s feet impressed upon the ground the harness which had lowered him into the pool released its grip. Colmes peered around frantically and to his horror he saw a gate opening up. 3 lions came made their way into the arena. They licked their lips as they closed in on their prey. Colmes knew that if he did act quickly he would brown bread.

 

[Kelzie]

Good writing style. Nice copying of the old detective novel style.

Story moves too fast though.