My mom has dementia

[Birdzeye]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

 

[Bum]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

Please keep in mind that the belligerence and anger generally manifest out of fear ; these are adults that have been used to doing for themselves and are feeling not only thier autonomy slipping away, but themselves....thier memories, perceptions...everything that makes them a person is slowly fading away.

Personally, I find that pretty terrifying...death of self without actually dying.

 

[Divine_Wind]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

Sorry to hear that, it's a tough row to hoe. Hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but she's 98?....and just lost her drivers license??? All my family die by 85. Since she's spry enough to fight it, I admire the longevity and spirit in your family tree!

My dad is 82 and was diagnosed with dementia at 79. He now has full blown Alzheimer's. His failing heart and back issues (probably due to an Army jeep accident in 1962) aren't helping his longevity. He's in Hospice care now and I expect to lose him sometime in 2020. Due to the Alzheimer's, it would be a blessing.

When he was first diagnosed, the state APS advised I apply for guardianship. When I was granted it I moved him into an independent living facility. Due to his deteriorating condition, I moved him about once a year to assisted living then memory care, which is the lock down side so they don't wander off.

 

[Divine_Wind]

Please keep in mind that the belligerence and anger generally manifest out of fear ; these are adults that have been used to doing for themselves and are feeling not only thier autonomy slipping away, but themselves....thier memories, perceptions...everything that makes them a person is slowly fading away.

Personally, I find that pretty terrifying...death of self without actually dying.

Agreed 100% here; it's "fight or flight syndrome". Some people give up but others will get pissed off when scared.

My dad said his first big scare was coming out of a bank, getting into his truck and then not remembering how to get home.

 

[Airyaman]

98 is pretty darn good. My mother was diagnosed with dementia before her 75th birthday. She is actually better now than a few months ago, but she has some occasions where she seems to backtrack. I think the medication they are giving her helps.

 

[beefheart]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

I feel for you, I have several friends who are in that situation, or have been. I have a friend that is early alzheimers at age 55. Its tough, its sad, as your mother gets worse, realize, that isn't her personality anymore, but it is her.

I hope for the best for you.

 

[Drawdown]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

Some people like assisted living when they get there and realize it is not the same as a nursing home because it gives them more daily social interactions and still allows them some degree of independence and autonomy. Just a word of caution, the POA may not be enough if the doctors think she is competent. You may still have to have her declared incompetent and a guardian appointed for her.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

My Italian "Mama-mia" was one of the strongest women I've ever known.
She made it to 88, lost her driver's license. (a relief for us all because it had been "Bumper Cars" since about age 86 or so)

Then came the broken hip and several surgeries and rehab in a Medicare facility at age 90.5.
That experience did her in. Her memory went to crap and although she remained her usual loving self, it was clear she had become quite depressed at becoming a frail and dependent old lady. She had been strong and sharp as a tack all the way up until 91 years old.

At the age of 92, after undergoing another "battery of tests" she finally sat down in her doctor's office and when her doctor (a dear and trusted friend of some 30 years) said, "Albina, we still have another eight or nine tests", she responded with "Basta...enough, no more tests, no more anything."

"Albina, if we don't do these tests, you might die."

"Then I die, I am 92 years old and I can barely do for myself anymore...enough."

The end came quickly and mercifully and she "went home" six weeks before her 93rd birthday.
We had a hospice nurse and she just began to fade away, with intervening moments of lucidity and some rallying, but in the waning hours one evening, she just took her last breath and was gone.

As she was so fond of saying, she "went out with her head held high".
She died with dignity.

 

[Birdzeye]

Some people like assisted living when they get there and realize it is not the same as a nursing home because it gives them more daily social interactions and still allows them some degree of independence and autonomy. Just a word of caution, the POA may not be enough if the doctors think she is competent. You may still have to have her declared incompetent and a guardian appointed for her.

That’s what concerns me.

I’m glad for her that she got into her nineties with her mind intact, but I frankly anticipated that she’d be carrying on as usual till she got taken down by a heart attack or stroke. Her sister lived alone, mind intact, with a daughter living nearby checking on her periodically, and died at age 101 of a stroke.

It doesn’t help that my husband and I are also dealing with health issues as well.

 

[Birdzeye]

My Italian "Mama-mia" was one of the strongest women I've ever known.
She made it to 88, lost her driver's license. (a relief for us all because it had been "Bumper Cars" since about age 86 or so)

Then came the broken hip and several surgeries and rehab in a Medicare facility at age 90.5.
That experience did her in. Her memory went to crap and although she remained her usual loving self, it was clear she had become quite depressed at becoming a frail and dependent old lady. She had been strong and sharp as a tack all the way up until 91 years old.

At the age of 92, after undergoing another "battery of tests" she finally sat down in her doctor's office and when her doctor (a dear and trusted friend of some 30 years) said, "Albina, we still have another eight or nine tests", she responded with "Basta...enough, no more tests, no more anything."

"Albina, if we don't do these tests, you might die."

"Then I die, I am 92 years old and I can barely do for myself anymore...enough."

The end came quickly and mercifully and she "went home" six weeks before her 93rd birthday.
We had a hospice nurse and she just began to fade away, with intervening moments of lucidity and some rallying, but in the waning hours one evening, she just took her last breath and was gone.

As she was so fond of saying, she "went out with her head held high".
She died with dignity.

What a touching story. I heard a similar story, this time about a much younger (60s) woman whose cancer had come back. She decided that she didn’t want to do any more chemo but instead to “go home.” She died under what her husband described as wonderful hospice care.

 

[Drawdown]

That’s what concerns me.

I’m glad for her that she got into her nineties with her mind intact, but I frankly anticipated that she’d be carrying on as usual till she got taken down by a heart attack or stroke. Her sister lived alone, mind intact, with a daughter living nearby checking on her periodically, and died at age 101 of a stroke.

It doesn’t help that my husband and I are also dealing with health issues as well.

I just know of one family that thought that POA gave them final say until they found out their 96 year old mother who still mowed her grass every week revoked it because they felt it was time for her to be put in a nursing home and she wasn't ready to go. Competency is a pretty low bar to get across and when they lost that fight too, their inheritances died on the mountain as she immediately cut them all out of her will. Paranoia does not necessarily result in incompetence.

 

[WillyPete]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

That's a tough one, and my heart goes out to you. 98's a great run anyone should be proud of, and she sounds real feisty, even with her troubles.

These are the tests of family bonds, and love in general. Do your best by her now, and you'll know that about yourself for the rest of your life.

Also, free advice, if you go with assisted living try to see that she's visited as often as possible, even if not by yourself. Apart from the comfort (unless you're going top shelf) the nurses will tend to give her better care if there are outside people there often.

 

[maxparrish]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

This isn't easy on anyone. My own mother (93) was diagnosed with vascular dementia six to nine months ago. Until this year she drove, did her own books, and was the most meticulous life manager I've ever known. For a few years prior she had a problem with forgetting words, on occasion, but otherwise was high functioning. This year she plunged, caused in part by extreme hospital delirium. She couldn't tolerate the team of doctors repeatedly asking her the same questions, the male nurses tending to her personal needs, the alarms that went off every time she got out of bed on her own.

After several visits to the hospital for various non-threatening needs she was close total mental incapacitation. She recovered at home somewhat but never to her original baseline. Thankfully her "routine" skills and ability is intact. She can cook, clean, shop, and pay her bills. She has a good memory on appointments, dates, etc (probably better than mine). And she has a good attitude considering her challenges.

However, her loss for words is profound, especially in the PM and night. Her addition is terrible. She can't handle even the slightest pressure without falling apart in tears. And getting her to give power of attorney and intervene is her book-keeping was horrible - lots of tears, resentment, etc. She never had a cell phone so when I got a jitterbug for her it would ring and she would stare at it.

This dementia is better than Alzheimer's because some folks can continue to function by a lifetime of rote - on the other hand, it is progressive. At the moment she is slowly learning to use the cell phone, the new TV remote, and changes to her TV. But at this rate of decline, it seems certain that either I will have to move in as a caregiver or hire a live-in. Fortunately she accepts that as inevitable if she lives long enough.

So while she is still lucid I am asking her as many questions about the far past as she can tolerate - her WWII homefront experiences, growing up in the depression, even the first boy she kissed (who, along with his brother, died in combat in the war).

Although it is too late now, its interesting to discover the risk factors behind this form of dementia - a history of smoking (even many decades ago) being the highest (others include deafness, a lack of exercise, and sleep apnea).

Anyway, you have my sympathies.

 

[Old 'N Chill]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

My heart goes out to you and your mother. Many years ago I lost an aunt who had Alzheimer's, she had to be put in a nursing home for her last years. She should be in assisted living, but as already mentioned here, please be sure it's a higher quality reputable facility and make sure that she has regular visits from family to monitor how she's being treated there. Good luck in whatever you decide, it's good that she's lived already to 98, many in my family die before their 80s. Thinking of you....good luck.

 

[Linc]

1. As you are seeing, you are NOT alone. Many people besides yourself will benefit from your strength in starting this thread. At this exact moment, I’m texting a life-long friend whose Mother has regressed from assisted living/memory care to 24/7 skilled nursing. For the first time ever, she didn’t recognize him yesterday.

2. By the end of January, we will have to move my Mother from assisted to a nursing home, after 7+ years in assisted. She had a great run. She started the Namenda/Aricept regimen 7+ years ago. The Doctor gave us 5 years of stable but sliding mental capacity. She’s now at a mentally combative stage, doesn’t clean herself, etc. TMI.

3. We four siblings have always been on the same page. My Sister has the Health POA, I have the financial. It is of ultimate importance that you siblings be on the same page. Wherever your Mother goes, she will probably have to pass some sort of cognitive and physical tests. All States and Levels of Care are different.

4. We had a wonderful family friend who was a lawyer and he really helped us selling Mom’s house, etc. Personally, we will always be Grateful to Medicaid and Tri-Care-for-Life. You’re doing all of the correct things, getting your papers in order.

 

[vesper]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

Oh my goodness 98! Just a suggestion at her age is there anyway possible for you and your siblings to bring the assisted living to her in her familiar surroundings and let her live the rest of her days there?

 

[jamesbyoung]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

Yes, it will be nasty. Accept that fact. We had to with my wife's Mother. Dementia does not get better only worse over time. Her physical control and balance will continue to fail. She will worry about non-existent matters (fuel oil for a natural gas furnace), and those concerns will only grown. Make sure she does not go wandering off into the night.

Consider in-home hospice care, but it was have to be 24-hr a day, and it is expensive.

Be grateful you have the POA. If it does not control her finances, consult with your sibs, and move for immediate conservatorship of her finances IAW state laws.,

 

[hermit]

Oh my goodness 98! Just a suggestion at her age is there anyway possible for you and your siblings to bring the assisted living to her in her familiar surroundings and let her live the rest of her days there?

I used to caregive for a 101 yr old woman. I was paid $1,200 a month. I lived there for free and they paid my meals since I cooked for her 3 times a day. I took her to church and to doctors appointments in her car with her gas. I did the grocery shopping. Is it possible that you could get live-in help like this? I also had two days off a week. Another helper came in the two days I was off and cooked her meals and was her companion during the day.

I did not do the housecleaning or the personal hygiene care, this family paid for others to come in and do that. There are all types of caregivers out there who do work like this. Maybe something like this could work for Birdzeye.

 

[mike2810]

She’s 98 yo, a bit frail, nearly deaf, and walks with a cane. She’s been living alone in her own house since Dad died 30+ years ago.

Her decline started within the past year. Last spring, she failed a driver’s evaluation and had to trade in her driver’s license for a non-driver’s ID card. At that time, I detected a bit of memory loss, but not too bad.

Now, her memory is really impaired. She’s paranoid, sometimes belligerent, has hysterical fits every day, and has some delusions. She keeps fretting about the pilot light being off on the furnace, but the furnace has no pilot light. She frets about having to order oil - for a natural gas furnace.

One of my brothers and my sister went to see her last week for an appointment with a neurologist. The day of the appointment, Mom refused to get out of bed and get dressed for the appointment. She ordered my sister to cancel the appointment, and when my sister refused, got very nasty. My brother and sister went to the neurologist’s office and asked if they could use the appointment slot to talk with the doctor. Their request was granted.

They described Mom’s behavior, and, based on that, the doctor said that 1) the behavior would not get better, 2) there is no medication to help, and 3) from what he heard, she should not be allowed to live alone.

my siblings and I are in agreement that she has to go into assisted living, and intend to sell her house to cover costs. One brother has power of attorney. Mom is adamant that she’s NOT going into assisted living. None of us is in a position to have her move in with us (for example, in my house, the stairway to the upper floor is 16 steps - too many for her). We all live at least 150-900 miles away. I fear that moving her is going to be a very disagreeable affair.

My dad who past away more than 10 years ago had a form of dementia. It doesn't get better for them. It is hard on the family.

- If you all live 150-900 miles away I would recommend you find an assisted living place for your mom that is close to one of you. Close enough so one of you can see her on a regular basis. It will help your mom in getting use to the new place. It may reduce the feeling of being forgotten.

- We placed our mom in an assisted living place about 8 years ago. She kept falling and hurting her self. She also was going blind. One of us had the durable power of attorney and a medical power of attorney. So she really didn't have a choice. At first she was reluctant to go and was made at us. Now she says it is the best
place for her for her. We moved her to a place close to my brother so he can see her often.

- While it is hard to watch a parent with dementia. Remember to take care of yourself. You can easily neglect your own health worrying about her and trying to care for her. Another reason for a care facility.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[vesper]

I used to caregive for a 101 yr old woman. I was paid $1,200 a month. I lived there for free and they paid my meals since I cooked for her 3 times a day. I took her to church and to doctors appointments in her car with her gas. I did the grocery shopping. Is it possible that you could get live-in help like this? I also had two days off a week. Another helper came in the two days I was off and cooked her meals and was her companion during the day.

I did not do the housecleaning or the personal hygiene care, this family paid for others to come in and do that. There are all types of caregivers out there who do work like this. Maybe something like this could work for Birdzeye.

I hope so . If at all possible to allow an elderly parent to stay in their home around familiar surroundings especially with dementia is important as long as possible in my opinion. With multiple siblings they could take turns rotating weekends with their mother, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping or get her out of the house for a meal etc. Someone 98, their children are likely in their 60's and 70's. They likely have kids that are in their 40's 50's. They could pitch in too that would cut down on the cost. Medicare would pay part. I hope Birdzeye considers that option.

 

[hermit]

I hope so . If at all possible to allow an elderly parent to stay in their home around familiar surroundings especially with dementia is important as long as possible in my opinion. With multiple siblings they could take turns rotating weekends with their mother, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping or get her out of the house for a meal etc. Someone 98, their children are likely in their 60's and 70's. They likely have kids that are in their 40's 50's. They could pitch in too that would cut down on the cost. Medicare would pay part. I hope Birdzeye considers that option.

Does Medicare pay for part of cost for caregiving?

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

What a touching story. I heard a similar story, this time about a much younger (60s) woman whose cancer had come back. She decided that she didn’t want to do any more chemo but instead to “go home.” She died under what her husband described as wonderful hospice care.

For my Mom it was sort of similar to the way HER mother (who by the way, gave birth to her IN the Old Country at age fifteen) passed away. Her mother developed similar issues and...same exact thing...she just stopped eating and refused treatment while in advanced care, saying "Basta, basta" (enough, enough) and she too passed a week or so later, also around age 94 or 95.

Italian stubbornness...I guess I will be lucky if I get to go out the same way, except I hope it's many years from now.

 

[vesper]

Does Medicare pay for part of cost for caregiving?

I am on Medicare and had to look it up...


They are currently under the care of a doctor and getting services under a plan of care that was established and regularly reviewed by a doctor.
They require (and a doctor must also certify that they require) one or more of the following:
Intermittent Skilled Nursing Care – other than drawing blood
Physical Therapy
Speech-Language Pathology Services
Continued Occupational Therapy
The home health care agency you choose is approved by Medicare.
They are homebound, and the doctor certifies they are homebound – meaning they are unable, have difficulty, or are instructed not to leave the home.
A doctor or healthcare professional that works with a doctor has met with them face to face regarding the need for home health services.

 

[hermit]

I am on Medicare and had to look it up...


They are currently under the care of a doctor and getting services under a plan of care that was established and regularly reviewed by a doctor.
They require (and a doctor must also certify that they require) one or more of the following:
Intermittent Skilled Nursing Care – other than drawing blood
Physical Therapy
Speech-Language Pathology Services
Continued Occupational Therapy
The home health care agency you choose is approved by Medicare.
They are homebound, and the doctor certifies they are homebound – meaning they are unable, have difficulty, or are instructed not to leave the home.
A doctor or healthcare professional that works with a doctor has met with them face to face regarding the need for home health services.

Thank you for taking the time to gather this information. So many people out there need help with aging parents....

Speaking for myself, my father died when I was 17 but my mother lived to be only 73. She died in her favorite chair, never went through a prolonged illness. It's like she just knew it was her time. She had called all her friends previously, made sure everyone was OK, and then she died. Kind of weird, but true. Me and my siblings never had to go through the heartache of an aging parent like Birdzeye and so many people do. But as a caregiver, I have seen what families go through and it can be really hard on everyone. It's nice to know that there are helpers out there who can assist in an aging parent's needs.

 

[btthegreat]

Sorry to hear that, it's a tough row to hoe. Hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but she's 98?....and just lost her drivers license??? All my family die by 85. Since she's spry enough to fight it, I admire the longevity and spirit in your family tree!

My dad is 82 and was diagnosed with dementia at 79. He now has full blown Alzheimer's. His failing heart and back issues (probably due to an Army jeep accident in 1962) aren't helping his longevity. He's in Hospice care now and I expect to lose him sometime in 2020. Due to the Alzheimer's, it would be a blessing.

When he was first diagnosed, the state APS advised I apply for guardianship. When I was granted it I moved him into an independent living facility. Due to his deteriorating condition, I moved him about once a year to assisted living then memory care, which is the lock down side so they don't wander off.

I have worked with these residents in all sorts of settings as a certified dietary manager for decades. This really is in my wheelhouse. It sounds as though her decline is rather rapid in one year. That is not likely to change. You definitely will need to get her a proper diagnosis . There are several forms of dementia including Alzheimers, Lewy Body, vascular etc and you will need a doctor who has seen her, to sort through this. Her aggression and paranoia is going to complicate care a lot and there are definite limits to how long assisted living facility will be able to constructively engage her. You might want to skip the intermediate step of assisted living and have her assessed for memory care living. The staff at an ALF do not really have the expertise to handle some of these symptoms and they do not have the same access to resources such as speech, occupational or physical therapy. In addition, they do not cater their activities program and meals to dementia sufferers.

If you have questions, please feel free to Pm me.